Breathe (28 page)

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

He stared at his mom, trying to read the stern look on her face. For the first

time in his life, he understood her. Cunning. Conniving. Whatever she had done,

she had done on her own. She didn"t want either her husband or her new favorite

son to know.

She sat on the couch next to Jay. “Even if you believe this man is sorry, the

truth is your wife isn"t here, and he"s to blame. Do you think about the future you

were supposed to have together? About the children you were planning to have? Do

you think about her?”

Yeah. His mom was crazy. He felt like the only one who thought about Katie.

Until he met Lincoln.

His mom stood and pulled him off the couch. He fought her on it at first, but

she held firm and led him to the fireplace. He kept his back to the burning flames.

She glanced behind him and tears filled her eyes. He wanted to know what she was

staring at, but something told him not to turn around.
There’s nothing to see.

He tugged his hand free from her grip.

She said, “She"ll never be twenty-five. Or thirty. Or fifty. She"ll never be a

nurse. She"ll never be a mother. She was so good at taking care of people. She

would"ve been a wonderful mother to your children.”

The tears pooled in Jay"s eyes. He squeezed them shut, tilted his head back—

anything to make it all stop.

“You never say her name.”

He said her name. He was the only one who did.

“You never talk about her.”

He talked about her. To Lincoln. The one person who had really listened.

“You never look at that picture.” She stared behind him. “She was so lovely. I

bet your daughter would have looked like her.”

He pictured Katie when he"d first met her. She had moved to town halfway

through the third grade. On her first day of school, she wore a green dress, her long

red hair in braids, which she told him she hated but her mother wouldn"t let her cut

her hair. He envisioned the smile she had given him when she sat next to him

during their history class and the laugh she had carried with her from that day

until the day she died. Would their daughter have had that same laugh? Would her

hair have been as long? Her smile as sweet?

“Look at her, Jacob.” His mom shoved at his shoulder.

He let her turn him, and the gasp tore out of him—nothing he wanted them to

hear.

On the fireplace mantel sat a framed photograph. The last one.

He had seen it there the day of the funeral and had looked away, never

wanting to see the last picture of her again, never wanting to see how happy they"d

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been that day, never wanting to remember any part of her final hours. Somehow

he"d let himself forget the photo existed.

Too late to forget again. The flood of memories burst through the dam.

The moments leading up to the flash of the camera slammed into him. Lunch

with his parents at Manichello"s, Katie"s favorite restaurant. He and Katie had just

announced they were planning to try for a baby. His mom had hugged them both,

clinging to them as she cried and squealed and cried more. His dad signaled to the

waitress. That"s when Jay had teased Katie as he spotted the ice cream the waitress

brought with the cake. He and Katie were smiling when his mom snapped the

photo, Jay"s arm around Katie, her hand on his knee.

Eight hours later, he sat beside a hospital gurney holding his dead wife"s hand.

The guilt crashed into him. He had failed her in so many ways. Letting her

leave that night. Having sex with Lincoln, developing feelings for him. Jay stared at

the photo over the fireplace. Her smile wide, her eyes crinkling at the corners. The

joke was several years old. He shouldn"t have teased, shouldn"t have said those

words that he could never take back. It was late, and still he let her go. He never

even said good-bye. Hadn"t kissed her. Hadn"t hugged her. Hadn"t been there with

her when she took her last breath.

But Lincoln had.

Jay sank to the chair where his mom had tried to force him earlier. He was

betraying his wife—in the worst possible way.

His mom knelt beside him and gripped the wooden arm of the chair he sat in.

He ignored her and kept staring at the picture. Even if he wanted to stand, to leave,

he couldn"t. Denial was no longer possible. The blinders were off, and he was too

startled to make his escape.

When his mom finally spoke again, she said, “She would never have let your

life be what it is now. Don"t you see what he"s taken from you? You"ve got nothing.”

“Mom!” Todd stepped forward.

She looked up at him. “Look at what your brother"s life is like. They were going

to have a baby.”

“She wasn"t pregnant,” Todd said.

Jay threw him a grateful look. The talking had to stop. He wanted to go home,

crawl into bed, and forget the last two hours. Forget what he had learned about his

mom. Forget what she had forced him to see.

“It doesn"t matter,” she said. “That would"ve been our first grandchild.”

Jay bounded out of the chair, his legs unsteady. “You"re still going to have a

grandchild. Todd"s baby—”

“One can"t replace the other.” The expression on her face demonstrated, for

her, there"d be no comparisons between his and Todd"s kids. Maybe Todd hadn"t

become the favored son after all.

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The disappointment all too clear on Todd"s face, he backed away from her,

turned, and left the room.

“Susan,” his dad said, “don"t you hurt Todd over this.”

Too little too late?

His dad sighed, and he went after Todd.

How much could she prove her craziness in a single day? “You"re talking like a

baby died with her.” Jay squeezed his eyes shut, trying to clear the grief, the

misery. Was there any hope of stopping her from hurting Lincoln or the man"s

family? Jay had one way to end this.

“I"ll…” The words were harder to say than he expected. “I"ll stop seeing him if

you leave him alone, if you stop talking about him like he"s a killer.”

He could do this to protect Lincoln. Although, it was more than that. He and

Lincoln had been kidding themselves spending time together, jumping into bed,

pretending they"d ever be anything more than who they were, who they"d always be

to each other—a widower and the man who had caused his wife"s accident. They

couldn"t avoid that. Jay had finally opened his eyes to the reality surrounding them.

His mom stared at him, her eyebrows drawn in. She opened her mouth as if

she wanted to speak and then clamped it shut again. Finally, she nodded. “I think

the best thing for you is not to have that man in your life.”

Jay walked away from the fireplace and his mom still kneeling on the floor, the

crackling and pops of burning wood growing softer behind him. Without looking at

her, he said, “It all stops, Mom. No one in this family will have anything more to do

with Lincoln McCaw.”

He left their house without a good-bye. He couldn"t say anything else, not

another word, and when he stopped off at the Late Night Paradise Plaza

convenience store, he didn"t speak to the clerk as he paid for the beers.

Yet, no matter how many of the beers he drank, he couldn"t work up the words

he"d need next. He hoped they"d come to him in the morning.

One way or the other, he had to end it with Lincoln. Time to bury the past and

let them all be free.

* * *

the cell to his other ear, and added, “I"m sick.”

“What"s wrong?” Why did Lincoln have to sound so damn good? That throaty

whisper did shit to Jay, even when he hoped to avoid any sexual thoughts.

“Just a headache. Had it all day. Sorry about tonight.”

“How did it go with your folks?”

“Fine.”

“Fine? That"s it?”

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145

“I just called to cancel for tonight and to tell you…”
What? That my mom’s a

crazy psycho?

“What?” Lincoln asked.

“No one will bother you anymore.”

“How do you mean?”

“There won"t be any more threats. It"s over.” Jay paused. “Listen, I"ll give you

the details later. I"m a little out of it right now. I just wanted you to know you don"t

have to worry.”

“I understand.”

Did he? How could Lincoln really? He knew nothing of the darkness Jay had

fallen into since he"d recalled the last moments he"d spent with Katie. “I"ll talk to

you later.”

“Sure,” Lincoln said. “Give me a call if you need something to get you feeling

good again.” No missing the innuendo in the tone.

“Will do.” Jay pressed the Power button on his cell, flung it onto the coffee

table, and draped his forearm over his eyes. There was no one else he needed to

hear from.

How do you break up with someone
? There were more words he needed to

share with Lincoln than, “it"s been fun.” The man deserved to hear the truth about

the threats. To hear Jay"s part in the day Katie died.

Maybe he should make his mom break it off with Lincoln for him. It was her

fault he"d been unable to face the man, too afraid he"d look at Lincoln differently

than he had since their first night in the bar—too afraid he"d hate him even after all

they"d shared.

But Lincoln didn"t deserve to deal with her. And if Jay"s mom kept to the

bargain, he wouldn"t have to again.

Hopefully, it was over. For all of them.

* * *

Volume button dug into his palm. He let up. He"d just gotten the damn phone. He

didn"t need to bust it.

He hadn"t seen Jay in a week. He longed to touch him, to kiss him, to come

inside the man without a rubber like he"d been dreaming of every night. Lincoln

shifted on the small bed and adjusted his cock. Blood had begun pooling south as

soon as he"d dialed the number. Five days back, he had planned to ask Jay if he

wanted to get tested and forgo the condoms. Lincoln was sick of dealing with the

rubbers. He and Jay had been celibate for a year after both coming off monogamous

relationships. It didn"t pose a huge risk.

He silently laughed at that. Maybe for any other two guys things could be that

simple. Not for Jay and him. Yet since the idea had crossed Lincoln"s mind, he

couldn"t let it go.

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And in the meantime, Jay had disappeared. So had the notes and threats.

Maybe Jay was right when he said it was all over. Lincoln wanted to know why. He

wanted to see Jay again.

“I was about to head over to Todd"s,” Jay said. “He"s helping me work on my

Jeep"s brakes.”

“And that"s more fun than spending the night fucking?” The tone was shitty,

but Lincoln couldn"t control it. His sexual frustration had reached the point it"d

been at when he stepped out of the jail.

No. It was worse than that. Then he didn"t want sex. The release wasn"t

something he deserved. Now, he craved being with Jay. He ached for it.

Jay didn"t respond.

“I can help you with your brakes.”

“Todd said he"d do it.”

“And we wouldn"t want to what? Hurt Todd"s feelings?”

“Don"t be an ass about it.”

Lincoln scoffed. He calmed himself and tried a different tack. “I miss you.”

Jay"s deep breath came across the line loud and clear.

“Jay?”

“I have to go, Linc.”

“Jay?”

Nothing. The line went dead.

Fuck that bullshit.

“Nance,” he called out and stormed into the kitchen where she worked with the

kids on their homework. “Can I get a ride?”

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Chapter Twenty-one

Jay tossed the empty beer bottle across the room. It bounced off the bookshelf

and dropped to the floor, knocking down a couple of the books with it.

He laughed as the hardcover books hit the carpet and splayed open, pages

bending here and there.

Those stupid books used to mean something to him. Most of them Katie had

bought for him, scouring used bookstores, library sales, and auctions. She supported

and listened to every silly idea he had about continuing on to get his master"s

degree and what he"d write his thesis on. He laughed again. He was a community

college dropout, and those books didn"t mean shit to him now. He"d keep them

forever, though. Gifts from another life he"d never be able to part with.

The sound of a vehicle pulling into the driveway forced Jay to drag himself off

the couch and to the window. Lincoln got out of the passenger side of a compact car

that looked older than Jay and waved to Nancy as she backed out of the drive.

Great
. Jay turned away from the window. He ran a hand over the two-day-old

stubble on his chin. He grabbed his T-shirt off the arm of the couch and slid it on,