Breathing For The First Time (16 page)

Brooke pulls the instrument off Rachel’s stomach and wipes the gel off. She hands Rachel a box of tissues “just in case” and leaves the room.

My eyes don’t leave the screen as I stare at the frozen image of our child. Rachel buttons her shorts and lowers her shirt, wiping the last of the gel from her skin and tossing the tissues away. She picks up the pictures technician Brooke handed over and gives me one.

“Are you sure?” I ask her.

“Yeah, you are the baby’s father, after all. You deserve to have pictures, too.”

Relieved, and much more relaxed, Rachel and I leave the office.

“Are you up for lunch? I’m starving and would rather eat before I head home.”

Rachel nods and looks at me, agreeing to lunch.

I follow Rachel’s directions to a local favorite. She isn’t supposed to eat much seafood so it’s been hard to find places to eat in southern Louisiana. We sit opposite each other in a booth and order steaks, carrots, and broccoli, both with water.

Rachel sips her water and looks out at the river flowing past us. Awkwardness has settled in around us again as the excitement of the baby is wearing off. I try to think of something to say when Rachel interrupts my thoughts, “Are you happy, Ty? I mean really happy? With Brooke?”

Rachel hasn’t mentioned Brooke since our last morning on the cruise. During all of this stuff with the baby, she hasn’t asked if we’re together, or anything about Brooke. I feel like she’s intruding on my life, but it’s Rachel. And of all people, she has a right to ask me questions about my life.

“Yeah, Rach, I am. She’s great, you know. She makes me laugh, and lets me cry.” I wince at the words, not meeting Rachel’s eyes. “We understand each other, and she’s the best part of me.”

Rachel nods, turning her focus to the water again. “Is she okay with all of this?” She gestures between the two of us, letting me interpret her implication.

I can’t lie to Rachel, but the truth isn’t easy to say. “Honestly, no, not really. This has been really hard for us to figure out. I guess we’re still trying to see what it means, for us and whatever future we might have.”

Rachel’s eyes show sympathy I never expected to see. “I’m sorry I put you in this mess.”

I hold up my hand to stop her, knowing it’s not her fault. “Rach, you didn’t do anything wrong. Yeah, I was drunk, but that doesn’t mean I don’t own the responsibility for what happened. Don’t blame yourself. Brooke and I will figure it out.”

“And what about us, will we figure it out?” There’s a bite to her words. She tried to hide it, but it slipped out.

“Figure what out? How to raise a child when we’re not together? People do it all the time.” I feel a little defensive and know that it’s going to be the talk, the one we need to have, but that I couldn’t bring myself to mention.

She lets out her breath in a huff, “It’s not how I wanted to raise my kids. I wanted to give them a home with two loving parents, not a split home with their father living 1000 miles away.”

I sigh, this is going to be worse than I thought. “Rachel, I’m sorry this worked out the way it did, but our child will always know how much I love him or her. And I don’t know where I’m going to end up. I might be right back here when I finish school next year.”

“What happened between us, Ty? Was it Brooke?”

I don’t know if I can tell her the truth, but I know I can’t lie to her either. “Yes,” I whisper, knowing she’s likely to blow up.

A tear streaks down her cheek. Her head bounces up and down multiple times before she steadies it. Her green eyes pierce mine, “You told me there wasn’t anyone else. I thought, if anything, we would always be honest with each other.”

“I know,” I pause. We’re going through this now. “I realized after I met Brooke that being with her was what love was supposed to be like. I mean, I loved you, Rachel, but it was different. I should have told you, but there wasn’t anything going on when we broke up. Even if Brooke never wanted to go out with me, I knew being with you wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair to you, and you deserve love.”

“I loved you, Ty. I thought you loved me, too. I was blindsided when you broke up with me, and it ripped my heart out. I thought the cruise was going to be a good time for us to figure things out, get back together. If I had known how it all would have ended, I don’t think I would have gone.”

Rachel is openly crying now. I’m not sure if it’s the pregnancy hormones or me, but I know better than to ask. Of course, this is when the waitress brings our food over. If the look she flashes me is any indication there’s a side of spit in mine.

I reach for Rachel’s hand but she pulls it out of my reach. I take a deep breath, knowing I’m going to spend the rest of my life catering to her emotions. If I want a life that involves my child, I need to make sure Rachel knows I care about her and our child.

“I know this is hard for you, but Rachel, I don’t regret the cruise. I don’t regret our child. This life is a gift, and we will love this child. I’ve never felt love like I did today looking at that swirling little thing on the screen. I love our baby.”

Rachel stops crying while I talk, meeting my eyes, trying to figure out if I’m being honest. She knows me well enough to know I’m telling her the truth. She finally closes her eyes and sighs, a sign that I know means she’s giving up the fight.

She looks back up at me and says, “Okay.”

That’s it. One little word. I know we still have a lot to work out, but at least now I know Rachel, the baby, and I will be okay. We’ll figure it out.

Now, I have to figure it out with Brooke.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Brooke

I still don’t know what I should do. Talking with Sean was insightful, but I haven’t been able to act on it. Tyler is coming home tomorrow. I couldn’t go to Texas to find him. I wanted to but couldn’t stand to see him with Rachel. I know I’ll see him soon. Then again, I haven’t heard much from him so maybe he’s worked things out with Rachel.

My phone rings and interrupts my thoughts. I look around and realize I left it in my bedroom. I rush in and slide to answer my phone, knowing it’s Paige. She’s supposed to call me today so we can plan a weekend to search for her wedding dress. Tiffany is going to fly down so we can all go looking for wedding and bridesmaid dresses.

“Hi!” I say.

“Brooke?”

I suck in a deep breath. It’s not Paige, it’s Tyler.

“Oh, uh, hi Tyler. I’m sorry, I thought you were going to be someone else.”

I smack my forehead, knowing how he’s going to take it. Before I can retract my statement he says, “You’re not happy to hear from me. I’m sorry.”

Shit, I’m an idiot. Not the way to go about fighting for him. “No, it’s not that. I thought you were Paige. She’s supposed to be calling today to set up a dress search weekend.” I pause, mustering all the courage I have, “I’m glad you called.”

“Oh, good. Um, how’s the wedding planning going?”

Great, small talk. He’s away for a month, coming back tomorrow, and we’re reduced to small talk.

“It’s great. Paige is really excited, of course. She’s lucky. Dante is perfect for her and they are great together. She’s really happy.”

“What about you, Brooke? Are you happy?”

His voice fills me with hope, but the familiar doubt of everything going on creeps in. He’s heading straight to serious now. First small talk, and now this. I guess I thought there would be a middle ground. “Right now, Ty, no. I’m not happy.” Time to start the fight, “I miss you. Everything is screwed up around us, but I still miss you. I want to be with you, and have you tell me we’ll figure all this out together.”

Tyler exhales loudly and I fear I’ve pushed too far. I guess I should have waited until he told me that things are going great with Rachel and avoided the embarrassing declaration.

“Good,” he tells me. “I was hoping you would say that. Listen, I’ll be home tomorrow. Do you think I could come over? I’d really like to see you.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe I won’t have to fight so hard. “Yeah, that would be great.”

*******

Why does this feel like a blind date? Or at least a first date? I’m anxious like I was before our first study session. Heck, our first date I was at ease. Why am I a wreck now?

Tyler’s flight was supposed to land a little over an hour ago. I didn’t think to ask him how he was getting home from the airport, but I’m assuming one of his roommates picked him up. Hopefully he’ll be here soon.

I busy myself with organizing my books and cleaning the kitchen. I find myself watching the clock, counting the minutes as they pass by.

I change the sheets on my bed, unsure why I’m bothering. Tyler and I are not going to have sex tonight. Even if I am going to fight for him, he’s just spent a month with Rachel, doing God knows what, and I’m not willing to jump back into bed with him. At least it will feel good to lie down on clean sheets tonight.

I finally drop to my couch and flip on the TV. I’m not really watching it, but at least the noise is keeping me from hearing the voices bouncing around in my head telling me I’m crazy.

A knock on the door makes me jump, even though I’ve been waiting for his knock for hours. I take a deep breath and push myself off the couch. I twist the knob and open the door.

Tyler looks exactly the same as the last time I saw him. His blue baseball style t-shirt matches the brilliance in his eyes and the cargo shorts he’s wearing give me the chance to admire his amazing calves. His biceps bulge under the fabric of his shirt as he shifts his weight. He gives me a look that say he’s happy to be here, but feels awkward.

I step back to let him pass me. He leans down when he steps through the door and drops a kiss on my cheek. The familiar burn of our skin meeting warms my entire body.

I close the door and turn to face Tyler. He looks just as uncomfortable as I feel. I follow his glance around the room and remember him pressing me against the wall for a kiss, pulling me in tight in front of the TV to hug me, and cooking naked in the kitchen. I shake my head, unable to clear thoughts of the man standing in front of me. Then I remember I don’t want to.

I step toward him, looking up to him from under my lashes. His expression changes to one of curiosity before heating up just before my lips touch his. Tyler wraps his familiar arms around me and pulls me tight to him. All the desire I’ve felt for him over the last month spills over into our kiss and I feel the same passion pouring from him. I pull him in closer, letting myself get wrapped into him.

After an endless kiss, I pull back from him and look into his eyes. “I’m really happy you’re back.” I tell him. He smiles at me and pulls me back to him for a hug. The world feels like it’s right again now that I’m back in his arms.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Tyler

Being back here with Brooke again has felt so right. I missed her when I was in Texas, but it never occurred to me that life could be this perfect. It almost feels like we picked up where we left off, like I hoped.

Unfortunately she’s gone now though. It’s her shopping weekend with Paige and Tiffany. She was really excited about this. We’ve only had two weeks together since I’ve been home with her, but I couldn’t ask her to miss this weekend. Plus, it’ll only be a few days.

Brooke left early this morning but gave me a key to her apartment so I could stay here while she’s gone. Yesterday was July 4th and we spent the day together. Her apartment is feeling like home again, and we’re getting back to normal.

The only thing missing is our sex life. It’s pretty shitty of me to be missing it, but after the way she kissed me when I got back I thought everything would go back to how it was before. Instead, we’re skirting around anything sexual. I love being with her, but I miss sharing that part of our relationship. But I’m not going to push. I know she’s still hurt, and I wouldn’t dare mess this up. There’s nothing that is going to keep us apart again.

Brooke has asked a few questions about my trip, and about the baby. I didn’t go into much detail about it all, knowing she’s just asking to be polite. A part of me would love to tell her about the ultrasound and seeing the baby, but it was a moment I shared with Rachel, a moment I don’t think Brooke would want to hear about.

Brooke keeps asking me about Texas though, and I’m starting to wonder what she’s after. At first it felt like she was being curious, but lately I’m wondering if she’s trying to figure out if there is more to it than there is. When she gets back we need to sit down and talk about everything.

Maybe that’s why we’re not back to normal. Maybe she thinks something happened between Rachel and me.

My phone lights up and I reach for it. Rachel’s name flashes across the screen and I slide to answer the call.

“Hi, Rachel,” I say into the phone.

“Tyler?” a familiar voice asks, but it’s not Rachel.

“Yeah?” I respond, trying to place the voice.

“Tyler, I’m sorry to bother you. This is Rachel’s mom, Heather. Rachel’s in the hospital. She came home last night and said she wasn’t feeling well. She went up to bed, but when I checked on her this morning, she was bleeding. We’re here now and the doctors are trying to figure out what’s going on.” Her voice comes out in a rush, like she’s trying to say everything before she runs out of courage.

“The baby, is the baby okay?” My throat is dry, fear gripping me.

Heather doesn’t answer right away. I hear her exhale and she says, “We don’t know yet.”

She chokes back a sob and my heart skips.

“Okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

I hang up the phone and panic. Shit, I’m 1000 miles away. I grab a bag and start throwing clothes in, barely paying attention to what I’m doing. I snatch my phone charger from the outlet in the kitchen and throw it in my bag, along with my toothbrush and toothpaste.

I push through the door and lock Brooke’s apartment behind me. I climb in my truck, a daze still heavily covering me. I drive to the airport and pull into a parking space, leaping from the truck almost before I turn it off.