Breathing For The First Time (6 page)

Jon and Jessica sit down across from us before we say anything, and the awkwardness drifts away. I’m distracted and know I always will be when Brooke is in the room.

Jon asks if I’m feeling better and I tell him a little, hoping to keep the ruse up for my after dinner escape.

Rachel slips her hand on my knee, letting it rest there while she talks to Jessica about the wedding. A part of me believes that Rachel is hoping I’ll propose to her, but the idea of marriage with her is nowhere on my radar. I look across the room and the image of Brooke in a wedding gown stops my heart.

What am I thinking?

I’ve got it bad. Worse than I thought. I need to talk to her. Tonight.

I watch Brooke and her friends get up from their table at the end of dinner. I clutch my stomach and tell my friends I’m suddenly not feeling well again and that I need to go. I rush out of the dining room, ignoring Rachel’s offer to go with me.

Brooke is gone when I reach the common room. But I see a flash of blue, the color of her dress, and I follow it.

I have no idea if I’m following the right person, but I have to take a chance. When I finally get closer, I know those legs are hers. My eyes travel up her body, appreciating her from behind. I want that body pressed against me again.

They are going in to watch tonight’s show. I get to the door just in time to see them sit down, without a free seat anywhere close to them. I find an empty chair in the corner of the theater, in the darkness where I won’t be seen.

And wait.

The show is good, but I barely watch it. I’m focused on Brooke, her face lighting up with laughter, her lips moving as she whispers to her friends, and her eyes shining in the lights from the stage.

When the show is over, I step into the hallway, waiting for Brooke. They walk past me before I realize they went through the other door, and I’m chasing her again. I freeze when I see the three women enter the club. I’ve never danced with Brooke, but the idea of her dancing with someone else, his hands on her body... I can’t take it.

I throw the door open and look around. The brilliant blue of her dress shines in the flickering lights and the rest of the world disappears.

CHAPTER NINE

Brooke

Despite Tyler and his girlfriend, I’ve managed to have a really good time. Tyler has tried to talk to me a few times, but Paige and Tiffany are blocking him. A part of me wants to talk to him, to understand what the hell is going on, but I can’t. I know if I do I might not be strong enough to keep from giving in to him. I’m still hurt and confused.

The last three days have been full of shore excursions and lots of fun. During the day I completely forget about Tyler, but at night I dream about him. I know I can’t have him, but I really felt like we had something going on. God, I imagined forever with him. But that’s never going to happen.

I need to shake this funk. It’s going to get worse when we’re back at school. I won’t have Paige and Tiffany around to keep me safe, keep my heart safe.

The music fills me as we walk inside the club and onto the dance floor. I feel my body let go, letting the music wash over me. I lose myself completely and don’t think twice when he comes up behind me, my skin sizzling under his touch. I lean into him and he wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me into him. 

I don’t have to look; I know it’s Tyler.

Paige and Tiffany turn and see me and their eyes widen into saucers. They approach me, but I shake my head and they stay put. I close my eyes and let the music fill me again, dancing, and forgetting that I’m mad at Tyler just for a moment.

When I turn around to him, his blue eyes are dark, filled with lust and possessiveness. He keeps his arm tight against me, pressing my body into his. I let my arms fall to my side and drop my head back. Tyler pulls me tighter into him and drops kisses along my neck. My body shivers and responds to him, more than I’d like to admit.

I force myself to remember that I’m mad at him and I push away from him. He tries to pull me back to him, but I stand my ground. The look of defeat in his eyes tells me I won’t have to try hard to keep him away. “What can I do Brooke? What can I do to show you that I want to be here with you?”

“You can tell me what the hell is going on.” I put my hands on my hips, daring him to challenge me.

He looks around and spots a free table at the edge of the dance floor and asks me to sit with him. I turn back to Paige and Tiffany and point to the table. They nod and I let Tyler guide me to the table.

He runs his hand through his hair when we sit down, buying time before he speaks. I want my hands running through his hair, to feel him close to me again. It’s not fair that he looks so amazing. His dark hair is pushed back form his face, but his chiseled jar shows a rough shadow that makes him look undeniably sexy. His blue shirt makes his eyes pop and I watch his muscles dance under the fabric. He’s nervous. His crystal blue eyes meet mine and I can see the regret on his face. I almost forgive him before I even hear what he has to say, but I stop myself.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” I ask. I can’t sit here without answers. Being this close to him is like skydiving; it’s a rush that only stops when your feet hit the ground.

He drops his shoulder, looking defeated. “I planned this trip months ago. Over summer break last year Rachel came to visit me at my parents’ house. We were still together. We talked about a cruise, going away with some friends, for spring break. Rachel is in her senior year, you know that, and she wanted a great last trip before she graduated. I thought it sounded fun, so I agreed. I didn’t even know you then.”

I nod, understanding it was a long time ago, but I know there’s more so I keep quiet.

“When we broke up over Christmas break, I told her I didn’t want to go on the trip. I knew she would still have fun since we’re here with her best friend and her boyfriend, but they’re also people I’m close friends with.

“Rachel protested, saying I should still come and we can be friends. I told her I would think about it.”

I get wanting to be friends with your ex. It’s hard to let go of someone you’ve shared so much with. But it still doesn’t tell me why he’s here.

“When I asked you out, I decided I wasn’t going to go. I didn’t want to be in a position with her that would seem like, well, like it seems. I called Jon and told him I wasn’t going to come on the trip. He told me he was planning to propose to Jessica as we pulled out of the dock and he really wanted me to be here. I told him about my issues with Rachel, and about you, but he pushed hard. I didn’t want to let my friend down.”

Tyler always does what others want, instead of what he wants. For once I wish he wasn’t such a nice guy.

He continues, “When we left the dock, Jon proposed like he planned. Jessica said yes, of course. When you saw us that first night, we were celebrating.”

“You looked pretty comfortable with her,” I try not to let the anger show through, but he hears it.

He takes my hand in his and meets my eyes, “I’m sorry about that. A part of me fell back into what we had. She’s a good person, and we were celebrating with friends. I got wrapped up in the moment, and that’s when you walked in. Nothing is going on with her.”

He stops and takes a deep breath. His eyes are pleading with me to forgive him, to accept what he’s telling me, but I know it’s not that easy.

“Are you sharing a room with her?”

Tyler opens his mouth to speak, but no sound comes out. He drops his head and I know the answer before he confirms it. When he looks up at me again, his eyes are different, panicked.

“Nothing is going on, I promise. She’s sleeping in her bed and I’m in mine. She knows it’s over between us. We’re friends, I swear. Do you have any guy friends?”

I nod, thinking back to our group of friends in college. I’ve shared a bed with some of my friends before and nothing happened. But we also hadn’t been sleeping together a few months earlier.

“I want to believe you, but this is hard for me. I felt like... I thought...”

“I did, too, Brooke. I felt all the same things you did when we slept together. It felt right, we felt right. And I don’t want to mess that up. Please, Brooke, please give me another chance.”

He takes my hands in his, his eyes begging me to trust him. I want to believe him. I want to know he’s telling me the truth. But I need time to process all this, maybe even Paige and Tiffany’s help.

“I need some time. I want to believe you, but this is all hard. Seeing you with her is difficult. She’s still in love with you, and I don’t blame her. You’re comfortable with her, and you say it’s over, but watching you two, I’d never know that.”

“I promise you, it’s over. I would never lie to you, Brooke. I care too much about you to risk what we have, what I hope we have.”

I turn away from him, trying to keep it together. If I believe him, there’s no reason to stay away from him. But I still see the way they are together. I need time.

Tyler says he understands when I ask him to give me some time. He says he won’t bother me again on the cruise and it’s up to me when I’m ready to talk again. He thanks me for listening to him, for giving him a chance to speak. But I can tell he was hoping I would jump in his arms and forgive the whole thing. He walks to the door with a defeated slump to his broad shoulders. He stops before he pushes through to look back at me. I give him a small smile and he looks lost, like he doesn’t know where he is or where to go.

I know I’ve hurt him, but I need to make sure I don’t get hurt anymore.

Once the door closes behind him, Paige and Tiffany are at my side. “Are you okay?” “Do you want to leave?”

I tell them, “I’m not sure what I want. I think I’m going to head back to the room for a little while. Y’all have fun.”

I get up and walk out of the club, climbing the stairs slowly to my room. I let the door close behind me and walk to the balcony to think. And to cry.

CHAPTER TEN

Tyler

Twenty-four hours. It’s been twenty-four hours since I told Brooke the truth about everything. She said she would let me know something, but she still isn’t talking to me. I’ve seen her on the boat more today than any other day, at breakfast this morning, then at dinner. She glanced my way after dinner. And flashed me a look of pity.

I’ve spent the time wishing there was something else I could say. If I could talk to her friends, or talk to her again I could convince her to give me another chance. If I could kiss her, she would know how much I want her, how much I want to be with her. She’s the only one I want. Even if she denies me now, I will find a way back to her. Brooke admitted that she felt the same way, she felt the same connection. If she felt it once, she will feel it again.

But for now, I think I got my answer. This is too much. If she wanted to be with me, she would have told me by now. She’s had chances today. She doesn’t want me. I know there’s nothing I can do while we’re on this ship, surrounded by her friends. I need her alone, back at school. She’s got Jen, but Jen is my friend, too. Maybe she’ll help.

I beg off plans with my friends after dinner, telling them I’m still not feeling well. It’s not a lie at this point. I’m sick. I can’t get Brooke out of my head. I can’t breathe without her.

I find myself at one of the bars and sit down and ask for a drink. At this point I don’t even care what it is, I just want to be numb from the pain. The bartender asks if I’m okay, but I can’t explain what’s going on. I shake my head, but he gets it that I’m not going to talk.

It only takes about three drinks before I start feeling better, feeling free. A few more drinks and memories of Brooke start to fade into the distance. It won’t take many more to forget her completely, at least for tonight.

I spin my stool toward the rest of the room and take in the crowd. Most of the people out this late are couples cuddling against each other at small tables scattered throughout the space. The dance floor in here is pretty small, nothing like the dance club, but it’s still crowded. I think to last night when I was dancing with Brooke. Having her in my arms, feeling like we were okay, even for a few minutes, was enough to give me hope. But today, that’s gone.

Brooke breezes into the bar, oblivious of my presence. It’s definitely over if she can walk into a room and not know I’m here. My body lights up every time she’s within a mile of me. But she doesn’t want me.

She and her friends go straight to the dance floor. They are moving with the music and I can’t stand to watch her, and know I can’t touch her, go to her. I see a few guys at the bar watching them and know I need to leave before I have to watch her flirt with someone else.

I find another bar and keep drinking, pushing away my thoughts of Brooke. She’s probably laughing with her friends, talking about how pathetic I was to think this would all go away. I’ll make it right one day. I have to.

No matter how hard I try to push Brooke out of my head, she keeps coming back. I swallow each memory of her with another drink. I have no idea how many drinks I’ve had, but I can barely stand. With a nod to the bartender, I wobble away from the bar, knowing I need to find my room.

I manage to locate the right floor and then walk it a few times before discovering my door. It takes a few tries, but I finally get the key in the lock and push through the door. I stumble to my bed and drop my clothes to the floor. I fall to the bed and the room spins violently. I’m not sure if it’s the boat or the alcohol, or both. The room stabilizes when I set my foot on the floor.

I drift off quickly, falling into a deep sleep. And dream about Brooke.

She enters my room. Her impossibly short dress is still dancing just below her ass. She walks to my side and asks if I’m okay. I tell her I can’t be okay unless she’s mine again. That nothing in life is okay without her. She whispers, “I’ll always be yours,” and my heart begins to heal.

Brooke bends forward and presses a kiss to my forehead. I grab her wrist, not letting her get away. This may be a dream, but it’s my dream, and she’s the only thing I want.