Breathless Promises (Alluring Promises Series Book 3) (15 page)

“It’ll be all right, Aub,” I whispered. She nodded into my shoulder as I squeezed her tight. I felt wet drops on my shirt and knew she was breaking down again.

Her body fit right into mine and I had to admit, consoling her gave me a sense of satisfaction. This was something that I couldn’t even explain to myself. I wanted to take her pain; I wanted to make her feel better. I wanted…her. I mean, I usually want the chick I’m calming down, but this wasn’t my initial intent. Okay, maybe a little bit of what I wanted to do to Aub. Hell, that’s just a given with her.

Aub nuzzled into the crook of my shirt and tightened her grip around me as she continued to cry. My shirt became soaked as she let it all out. In response, I hugged her tight, hoping to help lessen her pain.

My fingers ran through the silky black strands of her hair as I hoped that would help calm her a little. She shifted the weight of her body, fitting perfectly with mine. The heat of her breath as she calmed down from crying, the way her fingers stroked the back of my neck and the way her body felt perfect on top of me made my mind wander to other things. Things I usually do when I’m comforting a girl. I was trying to hold back from doing something like that with Aub since she was so upset. But, man, the way this whole thing was going I might not be able to last too much longer.

As soon as I felt her lips graze along my neck, my breath hitched as if it were a green light for me. The moment I felt her tongue along that sensitive spot on my neck, my cock twitched. My heart beat faster as I turned my head wanting more and my need to give her the same. I ran my lips along her neck before finally placing a kiss on her tender skin.

I tried not to groan when I felt her hot breath on my neck. Couple that with the way her chest pressed harder against my mine as her breathing picked up, I wanted to take her right then. My next mistake was inhaling deeply. Her sexy scent was just as intoxicating as her voice.

Fuck it.
She made the first move, right? I ran my mouth along her cheek searching for her mouth, needing her soft lips that I remembered so well from our night together. My hands threaded through her silky hair as I brought her closer to me. I wanted everything she had. I wanted to take away all her pain and give her something sweet in return to fill that void.

Her mouth opened hungrily the moment my lips touched hers. Our tongues mingled, brushing against one another in the sweetest, but intense way. She moaned into my mouth sending shivers down my body, making me hard just from that small vibration. I remembered her sounds so well, but before they were erotic and hungry. The sounds she made now were soft and needy, showing a completely different side to her.

And I really liked it.

The moment she pulled away, I opened my eyes wondering why she ended this. It was perfect. It was something I never felt with anyone else. I was ticked that I couldn't put my finger on it.

I searched her eyes while trying to figure out how I felt and why she pulled back. Panic and confusion flooded me as I watched her swallow and her brown eyes glistened as more tears filled her rims. 

“This is what you do, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“This.” She gestured between us. “You…this is how you get girls into bed. Consoling them and bringing them into your confidence.” She stood up the moment it dawned on me what she was thinking.

“No! No, no, no, no,” I sputtered, finally realizing what she was getting at. I gestured to the couch that we both were glancing at as I tried to explain, “That wasn’t what you think it was. I mean. It was consoling, yeah, but it wasn’t the usual thing that I do.” Her face contorted and I knew I hadn’t explained myself right. “I mean.” I swayed my head. “Yeah, I was consoling you. But it wasn’t what I usually do to get girls in bed.” She rolled her eyes as her mouth gaped in disgust.

“No! I…shit!” I ran my hands through my hair knowing I couldn’t really explain what just happened without her thinking otherwise.

“That.” I pointed to the couch. “I was consoling you. As a friend. But what happened after that, that was us.” I swallowed hoping she was getting it.

“It wasn’t what you think it was.” I stepped forward and she took a small step back. It was my turn to roll my eyes. “I’m not…I wasn’t taking advantage of you like I do the other girls.” That still didn’t sound right, but how else could I explain it? There really was something between us. Something that I had no idea how to explain.

“You really mean that?” Her brows pulled together and she bit her lip.

I gave her a small smile and stepped forward to pull her to me. That same comforting feeling swept over me as I wrapped my arms around her body and held her tight. I kissed the top of her head and inhaled her scent again. “I don’t know how to explain what just happened, but it wasn’t what you thought it was.” I looked down at her and touched her chin so she would look at me. “That actually felt pretty cool to me. It wasn’t something I usually feel with someone.” I bent down to taste her again, needing to prove to her that she wasn’t like the others, nor was this like the last time we were together. This made my heart pound in a different way. It liked it and it also scared the crap out of me at the same time.

She pulled back and I glanced at her lips. My mouth watered wanting more of that kiss we just had. I bent my head down, needing to taste her again. Her lips parted and my heart pounded in anticipation. My whole body craved that feeling she gave me just a moment ago.

“I’m sorry.” She stopped me cold. My body trembled with confusion of being blocked like that. “Clark. Even if you do feel something more, I can’t right now. I just can’t stop thinking about Gregory.”

My jaw clenched just hearing his name.
That asshole.
He breaks her heart and she just lets it take over her life.
See what happens when you let someone in?
Then I realized I almost did the same thing.

I took a deep breath and shook what just happened off. Obviously it wasn’t anything to her. I wasn’t about to show her she affected me in any way. 

“That’s fine. Umm, do you wanna go grab something to eat? I mean, after you’ve showered. When’s the last time you showered?” My questions rambled out of my mouth. I couldn’t resist asking since her makeup was still smeared since Sunday.

A small chuckle tumbled from her lips. Lips that I was trying hard not to think about. That small sound was more than familiar since we live together, but for some reason it sounded just a little more charming. It had to be because she was so upset and maybe I was glad to hear some sort of happiness from her.

“I think I’m gonna go lie down. I still don’t feel like going out right now.”

I nodded. The awkward silence between us was more than uncomfortable. I had no idea how to leave things. I didn’t want to talk about what happened again, nor did I want to think about it anymore. So we just stood there facing each other. 

I probably exhaled in relief when my phone chimed. I watched Aub start walking toward her room before I glanced at the text.

Matt:
We’re heading down to meet everyone out for dinner at the Dive. You and Aubrey in?

Me:
I’m coming, but Aub still hasn’t snapped out of it. I tried to get her to go. Have Vanessa text her or talk to her, would you?

Just as I sent that I realized my mistake. Vanessa didn’t know about the guy she was dating, let alone about the engagement. I quickly shot another text trying to get out of that one. I couldn’t break Aub’s trust.

Matt:
Snapped out of what? Vanessa wants to know.

Shit
.

Me:
Never mind. I guess something happened at work and she’s been a little off. She went to lie down, so tell Vanessa not to bother her yet.

The apartment was eerily quiet as I neared Aub’s door. I knocked, but didn’t get a response. I tried the knob to see if it was locked and was relieved that it wasn’t. I turned the knob and pushed the door open. Hell, maybe she was naked in the shower and I could get a glimpse, even though I didn’t hear the water running.

Peeking through the door, I noticed Aub lying on her bed, facing the window. A pit formed in my stomach that she’s really in this much pain. I’ve never seen her like this over a guy.

“Aub.” I walked over to her side of the bed. She didn’t answer, so I squatted down in front of her. “We’re all heading out to dinner at the Dive. You feel like coming with us? Vanessa’s going and so is everyone else.” It almost felt like I was whispering, but I couldn’t help but keep my voice low to match the way the room felt.

Staring past me, I watched her eyes close for a moment before opening them again. “Clark. Do you ever feel like it’s just not worth it?”

“What’s not worth it? Dating?”

Her beautiful brown eyes seemed dazed as she stared at what seemed to be absolutely nothing. “Everything.” She closed her swollen lids briefly before opening back up, fixed on the same blankness as before.

“Everything? That’s a lot of shit to lump together. You mean life?” I paused as I looked around, not really wanting to get into some philosophical discussion of life. I was pretty sure that would just depress her further and pull me down too. “What’s going on with you? It was a guy. A stupid idiot and you let him in. He fucked you over. Fuck him back over. Let’s go out and have some dinner with friends and have some fun. You’re in here wallowing and it’s not getting you anywhere.”

A faint smile graced her lips and she finally turned her warm brown eyes to mine. “You go ahead. I’m still not feeling like being around people.”

“You gonna be all right?” A stupid thought flashed through my mind and it scared the shit out of me. “You’re not gonna try killing yourself or something stupid, right?” Relief flooded me as she chuckled softly convincing me she wasn’t going off the deep end. “You want me to bring something back for you to eat? Have you eaten anything lately?”

“No, I’ll be fine.”

I nodded and stood up.

“Clark?” There was a certain lilt to her voice. For a split second, I hoped she was going to tell me she liked what happened on the couch. I swallowed, unsure if I wanted to discuss it. Or maybe I did.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.” I nodded back, relieved she wasn’t going to bring it up. I paused a moment as I debated something. I had reservations about letting her know this part of me, but seeing how sad she was I just wanted to help her out a little.

I scratched my head and pressed my lips together. My stomach knotted knowing this was going to sound stupid for a guy, but I couldn’t help it. I liked Aub and respected her as a friend. I knew she was hurting and if this might help her, I thought I might just tell her. I swallowed as my heart pounded and I felt ridiculous for feeling so anxious about telling her this.

“Um. Hey Aub?”

“Yeah,” she replied, but didn’t look my direction. I walked back over to the bed and squatted back down in front of her.

“When I was little, I went through some tough times. I had a great teacher who kind of helped me get through it.” I shrugged feeling really stupid about what I was about to tell her. “She told me to write letters to the person I was upset with.”

“Letters?” Her brows pulled in her eyes resting back on mine, questioning me.

I gave a fake laugh trying to make this sound less crazy than it really did. “Yeah. I…uh, wrote letters just letting them know how much they hurt me and how pissed off I am at them.” I swallowed as her face softened. “I don’t send them. Sometimes I rip them up. Sometimes I save them. It…” I swallowed again. “Just depends.” I looked at the floor and then stood up quick to leave; completely embarrassed and feeling like an idiot for admitting what I do.

“Letters, huh?” Aub’s soft voice filled the room as I stopped in my tracks. I turned to see the corners of her mouth form a sweet smile that relaxed me immediately. “Thanks, Clark. I might try that.” I breathed a sigh of relief as I left her room and felt just a little less crazy about telling her my strange secret.

Aubrey

I tried to close my eyes after Clark left. Mostly, I stared at the walls wondering how I was almost fooled by him and his charm. Oddly, he really can be very sweet. It’s no wonder how he gets so many girls—especially after a break-up. Knowing a little more about Tina, I can see why she’s so easily drawn back to him. And, let’s face it, the guy has the most amazing lips and really knows how to use them.

My stomach churned as I ran through our conversation and what we did. I admit that I started our make-out session. Years of being the initiator seemed to be ingrained in me so much that even when being comforted, I resorted to sex. All of that was my own fault. There was no way any man would feel something more than just sexual attraction to me considering that’s my first response. Why would I expect Clark not to assume that?

I created my own world and I’m the only one to blame for everything. I left a good job and one that I was happy with. I left it in hopes of Gregory possibly loving me for who I really am. And in the end, I was the one who destroyed that possibility of love because of my past. Who I’ve become was a person created only by how I felt inside. Shallow. Desperate for love. Needing to be touched. Craving a connection that would never happen. My uncle was right. My body was everything. Any man that nears me will only want my body for pleasure. Obviously, that’s all Clark even felt for me from our kiss. Not that I should have expected anything more from him.

My eyes darted around my room, staring at the white blank walls. I was too scared to close my eyes as I was sure the nightmares would return even worse than before. Going over all the events that led me to all my revelations, it felt like impending doom. The nightmares won’t stop now. Now they’ll be there in full force haunting me every night. Tormenting me every time I close my eyes.

Staring into space, I had no idea how much time passed since Clark left. The sun was setting and the orange glow was peeking through the slats of my blinds. I inhaled deeply as I tried to think of how to get over Gregory. If I closed my eyes again, I would see the hate in his eyes. The disgust he had for me from how I let men use me, my body and then discard me like trash.

That’s how I felt—like yesterday’s trash. Once beautiful and then after being used, crumpled and destroyed to be thrown away. Depression was setting in and I could barely lift my body to even attempt to workout. All these years I had always cheered Vanessa up by making her workout and now, I couldn’t even sit up to think about putting my workout clothes on.

My phone chimed. The light from the display illuminated my room that was now growing darker with every passing minute. Not that I knew how much time had passed. I didn’t bother looking to see whom it was from. About a minute later, the same thing occurred. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling, deliberately ignoring whoever was calling.

I finally had love right in my reach and then it was snatched away like a rug from under my feet, toppling me over and falling hard to the floor. I missed Gregory. Not the way he yelled at me, but that night we were together as a real couple. The small touches, the connection between us just using our eyes. It was what I had seen my friends have that I wanted to be mine also. And then it was gone in an instant.

And I only had myself to blame.

“Aubrey?” I heard Vanessa’s soft voice accompanied with a small knock on my door. I didn’t bother answering, knowing she would come in anyway. I felt the bed dip as she crawled onto it and lay beside me. “We missed you at dinner,” she told me. I didn’t bother responding and felt horrible that I still couldn’t tell her what happened. I didn’t want to talk about it yet. She would probably just say it was well deserved since it was with Gregory.

“Clark said you’re not feeling yourself. You wanna talk about it?” I felt her reach over and swipe away tears that were now slowly running down the side of my face and slipping into my hair.

“Whatever happened with that guy, he’s not worth it. He’s not worth the pain you’re feeling. You’re so much better off without him if this is how he makes you feel,” Vanessa tried to console me. It only made matters worse though. Because the truth was, this was my fault. When I was with Gregory, I felt better. Only she didn’t know any of this. She didn’t know how much I had wanted it to work out with Gregory. And now the guilt for not telling her was beginning to consume me. Self-hatred was sinking in and the more I thought about the lies I built around me, the more I hated my entire existence.

“I’ve never seen you like this, Aubrey.” She paused and I felt her inhale deeply with a small sniffle. Her crying only added to my pain, my guilt. “We can workout together. I’ll even do yoga, if you want.” She chuckled. “Although, I can’t do all the positions. My balance is a bit off with this little one in me.” That made me smile.

I turned my head to gaze at her belly that held the life she was creating inside of her. And all I wanted to do was to leave the life I have. She was creating a perfect little person within her and yet mine was such a wasted shell of one. I reached over and placed my hand on her baby, attempting to transfer some sort of worth to me.

I felt it then, a small movement as if her baby were trying to reach out to me. Vanessa giggled. “It’s so early that I can’t tell if that’s the baby actually moving. They told me that it would feel like gas.” I glanced to see her smile. “I had a quesadilla for dinner.”

I couldn’t help but smile a little.

After a long pause, with me still staring at her belly, her voice cut through the air, begging me. “Talk to me, Aubrey. Let me be there for you, like you’ve always been there for me.” I saw the pain in her eyes for me and knew I wasn’t worth any of it. I swallowed as I rolled to my back again to stare up at the ceiling.

“I just thought he was the one. That’s all. I just put too much into one basket.”

“Will you see this guy at work when you go back? Is that adding to your heartache?”

Work
. Another thing I never told her. All my lies just keep adding up more and more. I was silent as I contemplated telling her I left my job a while ago. How do I explain that when the guy I was in love with was supposed to work there?

“I’m sorry, Vanessa. I just need to be alone. Can we just not talk about it right now?” I asked, hoping not to go any further so I could avoid burying myself in more lies.

I heard the hesitance in her voice, but she still agreed. “Sure. I understand. I’ll be right across the way.” As if I didn’t know where she lived, but I knew she was trying to make the point that I could come to her if I needed. I nodded and felt the bed move as she stood to leave my room. 

The darkness continued to filter into my room and now that I was alone again, it seemed to consume me. I rolled over and turned on my light so as not to be devoured by my depressing thoughts. The light helped, but I was still terrified to close my eyes and have my nightmares start up.

The sound of the apartment door opening and closing followed by high-pitched giggles of a woman broke through my thoughts. Clark’s bedroom door closed and seemed to echo through the apartment. I stared out the window for what seemed like forever listening to the faint moans throughout the apartment.

Finally annoyed with the noises, I stood up and stared out my large bedroom window. Lights flickered from the buildings across the city skyline. The same thoughts from earlier crept through my mind about breaking the glass and falling to the pavement. How painful would it feel to hit the concrete below? Or would I pass out before reaching the sidewalk? The more I contemplated these questions, the more frightened I became of what I might do. I backed away from the window, terrified that I was even thinking these thoughts.

Walking out of my bedroom, the squeals of delight were much louder. A small pit of jealousy welled up inside of me, but I forced it from my thoughts. After all, I pushed him away earlier. Although the memories of what he could do to elicit those sounds made me smile.

I walked out of our apartment and into the hallway with no idea where I would go. I looked at the stairway going down and had no desire to see anyone in the lobby nor was I dressed for the gym. My other option was to climb up the stairs and explore the rooftop. At least that would occupy my thoughts and get me away from the sounds of a live porno in our apartment.

Eight flights up and I finally reached the door to the rooftop. A single door that seemed ominous because of what it represented—a door to the unknown; Or in this case to the unknown rooftop. A gust of warm air rushed at me forcing air into my lungs as I pushed the heavy door open. Unsure if the door would open again and realizing I didn’t bring my key with me, I placed a nearby brick in the doorway.

As I stood up from propping the door open, I took in the scene before me. The city skyline lay before me without the separation of a big glass window. Sounds of the cars and people in the distance could be heard. I was in my own world and I suddenly felt an overwhelming calm. I breathed in deeply and just accepted that peace. I smiled knowing this would now be my new haven. This would be my new place to come to take away my fears and my nightmares.

I walked over to the wall of the building and gazed at the view before me. When I looked down, my heart jumped into my throat. Looking to the pavement far below me was just as I thought it would be, minus the glass window. This time I wouldn’t have to break the barrier before jumping to my death. Without that protection, the intensity of what I could do was real. And I’m higher up. I swallowed as my heart continued to pound out of my chest. A simple jump and it would all be over. A simple swan dive off this wall to the concrete below and I wouldn’t have any more nightmares.

I wouldn’t fear him anymore.

That rush of panic swept over me. My heart continued to race as I closed my eyes and felt the breeze and city air on my skin. I rocked my body back and forth and then leaned over the concrete wall, feeling the coolness as it hit my thighs. The waist-high barrier was the only thing that was stopping me right now from falling forward to an instant and final calm.  I swallowed knowing that I was losing control of my feelings; thoughts of ending it all were taking over. My heart pounded out of my chest and my mouth was completely dry. I couldn’t control my breathing.

Whether I took a step back wanting to get a running start or in an attempt to contain my thoughts, I wasn’t sure. But that step back helped to try and reel in the urge of jumping that was now driving my thoughts.

You know you want it.

I stepped forward, my toes flush against the wall.

You’re built just for sex.
His voice whispered into my thoughts as I felt his hand over my mouth, just as real as it was that night.

Jump.
A new whisper interrupted his voice from somewhere in the back of my mind. If I jumped, I’d finally be free.

I placed my hands on the concrete wall attempting to stop myself from free falling forward. I closed my eyes as the tears slipped down my cheeks. The wind whipped at my face and body, almost strong enough to push me back.
Almost.
I sniffled as I looked down again and realized how scary it was this high up. I walked backward trying to get away from my impulse to fall forward.

I stood in front of the doorway back to the stairs. The steel door blurred my vision as I stared at it for a long time. If I didn’t leave right now, the desire to end it all would come back and next time I might not be able to tell myself not to jump.

I fled down the stairs, the echo of my own steps haunting me the faster I went. Finally reaching the lobby door, I pushed it open, starving for reality. Craving the escape from memories of him and my compulsion to end it all.

I looked around the lobby. There were only a few people coming and going. The large clock, meant more as an artistic piece rather than it’s supposed function, read eleven-thirty. Mindlessly I wandered to the small bar that was one of the many amenities that helped sway Vanessa and my decision to rent here when we searched for our apartment. I continued inside and pulled myself onto a stool.

“Hey Aubrey,” Ian called to me. His sweet smile and green eyes brought me some comfort. “What’ll you have tonight?” He wiped the towel quickly over a small water spot near me. Ian knows me pretty well since Vanessa and I meet down here for drinks sometimes. Well, we used to before she became pregnant. The thought hit me that we haven’t been down here in awhile for our little talks.

I glanced around the room debating what to drink. All the women had their frou-frou drinks; the pink cosmo-type drinks I used to convince Vanessa to drink. I didn’t want that tonight. I wanted something to numb my pain and to quiet the voices screaming inside my head. I needed to completely be without any feeling tonight. That was the only thing I knew that could help me get my calm another way—and to ensure that I didn’t return to the roof and jump off. Although, if I had enough alcohol, would I go back up there? That thought scared me too, but not enough to stop me from ordering just one drink.

I swallowed. “Jack, neat.” I noticed he paused for a moment, but then Ian turned to grab the bottle. I looked down at the counter and stared at the marble slab, noticing the swirls of cream, grey, and black. My eyes focused on the black. Black like my thoughts.

As he set my drink in front of me, the amber liquid swirled slightly leaving a glossy coat along the inside of the glass; almost like a crescent upside down. I smiled to myself as I brought the glass to my lips and inhaled the strong scent. As soon as the taste filled my mouth, I felt the numbness flow through me. The heat of the liquid ran down my throat, coating it with the calm I craved.