Breathless (The Breathe Series) (10 page)

When the door closed behind Sav, I swung around towards Tanzi and glared at her. “What the fuck was that?”

“I love Sav, I love that you two are together, and I couldn’t think of a better person for you. Don’t even get me started on Jellybean. I love that kid and it’s not even here yet. The issue I have is that you have this perfect life in front of you. You have the perfect girl and a baby on the way but you are choosing to risk it by making contact with the one person who doesn’t give a shit about us. He is the one person who could destroy all of this. That is my issue, Tate.”

I grabbed Tanzi’s hands. This was affecting her more than she was letting on. My arms squeezed her in a cocoon to offer protection. I hated that this was going to hurt her. She buried her face into my chest and let out a deep sigh, and I felt the wetness of her tears seep through my shirt. She was crying and I was the cause.

“I need to do this. He is hurting me now and I haven’t even seen him. I am constantly in a state of panic, walking on eggshells, thinking that something is going to happen and I will mess this up with Sav. I don’t believe I deserve someone like her and it’s because of him. I need to know why he left; I need to know it wasn’t because of me, because of us. If I am going to be able to provide the life I want for Sav and Jellybean, then I need to do this.”

“But what happens when it blows up in your face? When he fucks this up again? When you lose Sav and Jellybean? Who will be there to pick up the pieces, Tate? Me! That’s who will be there. I can’t support this. ”

Quickly spinning around, Tanzi stormed through the room and out the door, slamming it with such force that it rattled the pictures on the wall. I stood, mouth agape, looking at the door. I had never seen Tanzi like this. My fists clenched and anger swamped me. Fuck it! I was doing it. With or without her support.

The door
of the hotel room slowly opened and Sav’s head nervously looked around scoping the room. Sitting on the couch, I tried to get my whirlwind of unpredictable emotions in check. I offered Sav a weak smile because it was all I could muster. I watched her closely as she walked through the door without a word and placed her handbag on the edge of the couch, her eyes darting between me and every other corner of the room.

Swallowing hard, I spoke up. “Tanzi didn’t mean anything by what she said.”

“I know, Tate.”

Sav’s eyes dropped from mine, and I watched her closely. Walking through the room, she aimlessly started to fuss, cleaning the already clean kitchen, straightening up the bed that was already made, and scrolling through her phone. Clearly she was avoiding a confrontation. Looking at her with a heavy heart, I let a heavy sigh bounce through the air. Would our relationship ever be easy?

“Stop overanalyzing things,” she said from across the room.

“Stop reading my mind,” I shot back, a smile heard in my words.

“We are going out for dinner with Jack and Tanzi.”

“Sav, I don’t think that will be the best thing to do.”

“I have no idea what you two were fighting about but Jack, I, and this little person
—
” she rubbed her stomach
—
“want Mexican, and the three of us are having Mexican. If you don’t come, I am going with Jack. The decision is yours.”

“You are such a ball-breaker.”

“And that’s why you love me.”

Ariba Mexican Bar was located in lower Manhattan. It was one of those restaurants that everyone knew because it was that damn good. The music pulsated onto the sidewalk, and the chatter of the other patrons could be heard from around the corner. I grasped Sav’s hand tightly as we walked the block to the restaurant. The trip was quiet, neither of us saying anything, and to be honest, I didn’t know what I could say. Sav needed to know my plans, but the reaction of Tanzi and knowing that Sav was almost at her breaking point had me pissing my pants in fear. She rubbed her thumb over my hand and looked up at me with a smile.

“I am craving some serious nachos.”

“You are having cravings already?” I questioned with a smile.

“I always crave nachos.” She gave me a wink and pulled me through the door of Ariba. My eyes darted through the restaurant and landed on a table towards the back where Tanzi and Jack were sitting in quiet conversation. Jack’s arm was rested over Tanzi’s shoulder, and she looked at him with a frown etched on her face. Pulling my hand, Sav pulled led me through the jam-packed restaurant towards the table.

Jack stood when we got to the table and held his hand out. “Hey, man,” he said with a peaceful smile. I shook his hand and looked down at Tanzi. Her eyes flashed at mine quickly before turning her attention to Sav.

Pulling out Savs chair before I took a seat, I sat and began fidgeting with the menu my eyes roaming over the words but not taking anything in. The tension in the air was palpable. I didn’t want to be here, I could think of a thousand different things that I would prefer to be doing but Sav wanted to be here and I needed to be a man and suck it up.

“Can I talk to you for a minute, Sav?” Tanzi asked, grabbing Sav’s hand across the table. Sav nodded and pulled out her chair to stand.

I looked between both girls and panicked. Sav couldn’t find out like this. “Tanzi, just leave it.”

Standing from her seat, Tanzi threw her napkin on the table and glared at me. “Tate, this isn’t about you.”

Sav shot me a look before pushing back her chair and following Tanzi towards the bar.

I ran my hands over my face, groaning in frustration. “Fuck,” I hissed between my teeth. My eyes followed the direction Tanzi and Sav had gone and found them sitting at the bar in in deep conversation.

“Can I give you my opinion?”

I turned towards Jack. “Yeah, why not,” I scoffed. “Everyone else is so why don’t you?”

“Don’t be a prick,” Jack spat, his eyes narrowing at me. He lifted his scotch to his mouth and took a drink before focusing back on me. “For a matter of fact, I think you are doing the right thing. Fuck, I’d do anything to ensure my relationship with T was perfect, and if you need to contact your father to make that happen for you and Sav, then that’s what you gotta do. T is just scared. You are her world, Tate. She doesn’t want you to get hurt. That’s why she is reacting like this.”

“I don’t want this to hurt Tanzi but I need to have a future with Sav and this is the only way I can see a future with her. Sav owns me, Jack. She owns every piece of me.”

“I know, man. Just let Tanzi cool down.”

Jack’s eyes lifted from mine and looked over my shoulder. I shifted in my seat. Tanzi and Sav walked through the restaurant, laughing and holding on to each other’s hand. I was assuming by Sav’s laughter that Tanzi had decided against informing her of my thoughts. Sav pulled out the seat beside me and kissed my cheek softly. Instantly I relaxed.

The conversation flowed freely between Sav and Jack, their laughter colliding with the chill between Tanzi and me. It was suffocating. My eyes never left Tanzi’s, and she was pissed. We all ordered our dinner but still Tanzi and I didn’t say a word to each other. Jack and Sav talked about stories of when they were babies, and Jack was set in his ways that he was going to be taking Jellybean to look for either chicks or dicks when they were older. Seriously, it concerned me that my child was going to have him as an uncle. I couldn’t even enjoy the conversation with Sav and Jack, not with my twin shooting daggers of hatred at me from across the table.

I leaned in towards Sav, my mouth resting close to her ear. “Can we just get out of here?”

Pulling away from me, she twisted in her chair, allowing her eyes to scan my blank face for reasoning. Pursing my lips, I looked at her, begging her to grab my hand and pull me out of the atrocity that was Tanzi and me. Suddenly her gaze was pulled from mine, and she looked over my shoulder towards Tanzi, who I knew was watching us closely. I swallowed hard and lifted my eyes, focusing on my twin. Her face was covered in shadows of anger.

“Don’t stay on our account. You’ll do whatever you want anyway.” Tanzi’s voice flittered over the table and stabbed me in the heart. Fuck this shit. As I stood from my seat, the metal legs screeched as they scraped along the tiled floor below me, causing a scene I didn’t want to make. I leaned over the table, glaring at my sister but the words I wanted to say wouldn’t surface.

“I’m outta here,” I seethed through gritted teeth.

Turning, I stormed towards the exit and I didn’t look back once. My breath hitched at the sound of Sav’s pleads behind me, begging me to stay. I couldn’t allow her to see me like this. My anger for this whole fucked up situation was rocketing, my fear of what I would do or say increasing like the never before. Once again, Tate Connors was fucking things up. Story of my life. Dropping my head, I barged through the glass doors of Aribas and stepped onto the sidewalk. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was going to do
—
I just knew that I couldn’t be here.

Darkness
and silence hit me as I sneaked through the door of the hotel room. The only light cascading through the room was from the city- outside peeking in through the windows. My eyes focused on the green numbers illuminated on the microwave sitting on the kitchen counter. It was two in the morning. I had walked the streets of New York in a daze for the past four hours. I was at my worst, I was swarming with anger, and I was scared, aggressive, and temperamental. My emotions were running wild and Tanzi had been right
—
our father was already fucking things up for me.

I placed my wallet, phone, and room key quietly on the bench and placed my shaky hands on the marbled top, my head dropping in defeat. The sound of a deep sigh echoing from deep within my chest filled the silence around me. My eyes closed under the emotions of the day as I tried to contain the rumble of thoughts terrifying my mind. I was fighting with my twin, I had walked away from my girlfriend, and suddenly I felt the lowest I had for a very long time.

Bright light suddenly illuminated the living room. My head swung around and my gaze landed on the concerned eyes of Sav. I felt myself breaking under her watchful stare. I needed to remove my eyes from hers, but they were holding on tightly, gripping me to the point of dissolving into a puddle of emotions on the floor below me. As she walked towards me wearing one of my shirts with her hair piled messily on top of her head, her eyes didn’t falter from mine and mine stayed glued to hers. She was breaking me down. She stood before me, barely an inch of distance between us. The hairs on my arms stood at the intensity of the air around us. When her arms suddenly wrapped around my waist and pulled me in, I stiffened. I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve her concern.

“Sav, you don…” I choked, fighting back the emotions that threatened to spill from me.

Her grip tightened and she clutched at my shirt. “Don’t say anything. Just let me hold you, Tate.”

“Sav, please just le
—
”

“No, Tate, it’s my turn to be here for you. I want to hold you. Please.”

“I can’t do this anymore, Sav. It’s killing me.” My face dropped to the nape of her neck and I breathed in deeply, hoping her familiar scent would bring a sense of calm to my turbulent self. The beating of her heart increased against my chest and I held on to her like my life counted on it. I was scared. Scared that everything was going to implode, scared that I couldn’t take the first step I needed to move on from my past. But mostly I was scared that I could never be the man Sav needed and the father Jellybean deserved.

We stood in silence in the middle of the living room. My eyes remained locked around her, and she didn’t move an inch. Sav pulled away slowly, looking at me with hopeful eyes that sparkled with love. Rising on her tiptoes, she brushed her lips with mine in a peaceful kiss, and I melted against her. The sound of the door opening with a squeak startled me and my body flung around at the intrusion.

Tanzi.

“You two are talking, and whatever is going on needs to be sorted out. I’m going to bed, but please wake me when you come in. No matter what is going on, I love you. Don’t forget that.” With a light kiss, she pulled away and her eyes pleaded with me to resolve this. Sav walked towards Tanzi and whispered something, causing Tanzi to nod as she looked at me. Without another word, Sav slipped into the bedroom and closed the door behind her.

I sighed deeply. It was late, I was exhausted, and I didn’t have the strength to go head to head with Tanzi.

Tanzi stood nervously in the living room, watching me closely. “Why didn’t you want to find him when you were with Candice?” she asked quietly.

Just hearing her name shot a pain through my heart.
Candice
. Rubbing the back of my neck with my now shaking hands, I tried to keep my emotions in check. It still felt so raw even after all these years.

“This is different,” I breathed, dropping my eyes from Tanzi’s.

“How is it different Tate, tell me. I need to understand?”

I looked at Tanzi, and we stood in silence. My next words would make everything real. It had the potential to cause the emotions and feelings I had suffered with for the past four years to almost dissipate. “I have never felt this way about anyone before. There will be no one else for me, Tanzi. I…” I took a deep breath and felt my lungs compress. “I have never loved like this.”

The moment I said the words, my emotions bubbled over. I felt my eyes glaze over and I began to shake. After all these years of craving to go back in time to Candice, to relive the life we were going to have, I was now finally moving on and admitting that my heart had been healed by a beautiful Australian by the name of Savannah. My words to Tanzi were utter truth. Everything I was doing was for Sav and Jellybean.

I averted my eyes from Tanzi’s and rushed towards the window. I needed a distraction before I completely lost all control. Standing by the window, I pressed my hands against the glass and my head dipped low. Every emotion was running through my body.

“Tate, look at me.”

“I can’t.”

She grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. “Tate.”

I lifted my face, and the moment I looked into the same eyes as mine, I lost it. Every emotion I had held in for the past four years bubbled over. Tears ran down my cheeks, and I couldn’t ignore the sound of the deep sob leaving my chest. Tanzi’s arms encased me, pulling me towards her. I buried my face in her hair and cried. I was crying for Candice and the last four years. I was crying for Savannah, Jellybean, and for my future. I was crying for the loss of my childhood at the hands of my father and the sacrifices my mom made. Mostly I was crying for the man I had become, for the man I should be, and for the life I so desperately wanted but felt I didn’t deserve.

“If this is what you need to do then I’ll support you. I might not fully understand but you are my life, Tate. I can’t see him though. Please don’t make me see him.” Tanzi’s voice cracked under her words, and as I wrapped my arms tightly around her and held her close to me, I knew we were both consumed with fears of the unknown of what our father could bring.