Bring Me Back (8 page)

Chapter 21

~Ally

I can’t believe how sore I am.  If the pain from the surgery wasn’t enough, I had a full on breakdown after my nightmare that has every muscle in my body screaming. 

I am so confused.  This man I hardly know has taken me on like it’s nothing.  After witnessing only one of my nightmares, my own family shoved me off onto the first therapist and backed away, sure that I was too crazy to be helped, and this man had stepped into two of them and hadn’t left during, or after.  I’m not sure why, but I am thankful either way.  This morning I woke up in his arms, and I had never felt so safe.  If my bladder hadn’t been screaming for relief, I could have laid there all day.

Now we sit side by side on the couch, eating toast, drinking coffee and watching TV.  “I need to run home and grab my computer and some work in a bit.”  He said while standing to take our plates to the kitchen.  “Ian, please don’t feel like you need to stay.  You can just leave your number and I can call you if I need something.”  I feel bad making him feel like he has to babysit me.  “Ally?”  He says, turning to face me, behind the kitchen counter. “Do you have a problem with me being here?”  He asks so seriously.  “What? No, of course not, I just….”  “Okay then, discussion over, I’m staying for as long as you need me.”  He interrupts me and ends the conversation before I can respond with anything else.  After loading the dishes into the dishwasher, he grabs his keys and says he’ll be back in about a half an hour.

***

This is crazy
! I closed my eyes, trying to talk myself into standing and walking.  As sore as I was when we came home last night, it paled in comparison with what I felt right now.  I am always sore after a nightmare, but this is ridiculous.  The uncontrollable shaking racks straight through all of my muscles, and although I am aware of bits and pieces of what is happening, I am not able to control it.  Last night, I could hear Ian—feel his arms around me—rocking me, and then I could feel his tears against my cheek. What I would give to be able to cry.  I groan as I finally pull myself up into a standing position, but before I can move, a sharp pain shoots up my right side.  I gasp and almost fall back before I feel two hands steady me and then scoop me up.  Slowly I look up and see a look on Ian’s face, which I’m sure I haven’t seen before.

“What the hell Ally!” 
Oh crap!
  He’s angry.  “I just….umm, I need the bathroom again.”  It takes me a second to realize that small voice is my own.  Ian takes a long breath and finally starts to move toward the bathroom.  He sets me down by the counter and I suck in air as my feet hit the ground. 
Damn these sore muscles!
 “Put your arm on my waist, like before.” Ian walks in a little further until we are in front of the toilet, where he turns around again and waits.  
God this is humiliating!
Before this morning, I had
never
peed in front of a man, and now I’ve done it twice in one day!  I cringe at the thought of having to relieve myself in another way.  There is
NO
way I’m doing
that
with an audience! 

I use Ian’s belt to pull myself up and drag my underwear and sweatpants up with my other hand.  After I flush the toilet, he asks over his shoulder, “Okay?”  “Okay.”  I say as he turns around and helps me walk to the sink.  I wash and dry my hands and once again meet his eyes in the mirror.  He nods again, and I do the same and then I am scooped up into his arms and carried out.  I fully expect him to take me back to the couch, but instead he turns right and walks into my bedroom.  After he set me on the bed, he walked out to the living room and is just as quickly back with his laptop and a folder in tow.

“I assume you sleep okay during the day?”  He asks with such compassion.  “Umm, yes.”  I say as he pulls the un-made comforter down further so I can climb under it.  “Okay Ally, in you go. You need to sleep.”  I scoot down and he puts his hand behind my shoulders and helps me lay back.  I watch him walk around the bed, kick off his shoes and lay down next to me.

Chapter 22

~Ian

Boy this woman can be stubborn!
I was gone only for forty minutes and when I walk back in she is doubled over against the couch. I don’t know why it infuriated me so much, when she didn’t ask me to stay here—I’m the one who insisted on staying. 

Now I’m sitting here on her bed working while she is sleeping next to me.  I could easily work from the other room, but I don’t want to leave her here, in this bedroom where the nightmares find her.  She says they happen if she sleeps at night, but I can’t take that chance.  I can’t watch her do that again. 

Her room is bright.  The walls are a very warm crème color and her bed and furniture is a light oak.  She has the same hardwood floors as I do, and has a huge plush crème colored rug at the foot of the bed.  There are several beautiful art pieces around the room, mosaics that catch the light and reflect it back into the room.  It is a very soothing room, at least for me.

I hadn’t planned on stopping in at the office until Monday, so when my eyes start to droop when I’m only half way through the document I’m working on, I decide to save it and take a nap too.  If I’m going to help Ally stay awake tonight, I’m going to need my rest.

After setting my computer and papers on the nightstand, I climb under the comforter and roll to my side.  Ally is lying on her left side facing me.  Her hair is fanned around her face and her lips are slightly parted, and I lay there just watching her breathe for several minutes.  She seems so peaceful right now, and I don’t want to disturb her, but I can’t help myself as I reach out and gently place her hair behind her ear. When she doesn’t move, I move my hand gently over her scar. “Oh Ally, who did this to you?”  I whisper. I want to know more about this woman.  She seems so strong at times and so completely broken at others.  

***

“Please don’t go! Please don’t leave me!” 

“Ian?”  “Ian, wake up.” I don’t want to open my eyes, I want so badly to see Laney like she was just in my dream—healthy, happy but walking away? Why was she walking away from me?  “Ian?”  My eyes flutter open, and instead of seeing Laney, I see a very concerned Ally.  Before I can stop it, the tears consume me again and I feel like my heart is breaking all over.  

I feel Ally shifting next to me, and then her hand gently covers mine.  She doesn’t talk or ask questions, she just waits.

“I’m sorry.”  I whisper as I sneak a look at Ally.  She is looking back at me with compassion and understanding, not the pity that I am so used to in situations like this.  “Don’t be Ian. Never be sorry for feeling, its how we know we are still alive.”  She is so right.  “I’m a mess Ally.  I lost someone, and my world came to a stop.  I cry more now than I ever did as a child, it’s pathetic.” Shaking my head, I turn and look at the wall, trying to get myself together. 

“I would give anything to be able to cry. I want to cry so badly, but I can't get that first tear to fall.  I think I’ve been holding it in for too long.”  I turn to Ally and see that she is looking at the ceiling, deep in thought. I turn my hand over, still underneath hers, so I can hold it for a moment. “Ally, it hurts more to cry on the inside, than it does to cry on the outside.”    She nods and looks over at me, and for reasons I can’t possibly explain, I laugh.  I see her mouth turn up and she begins to laugh too.  “We are a sad sight, aren’t we?”  I ask Ally, trying to compose myself.  This is the first time I think I have seen Ally smile, much less laugh.  It is a beautiful sound.

“Ian?” she becomes serious for a moment.  “Yes?”  “Umm, I need the bathroom again.”

Chapter 23

~Ally

“I’d like to try to walk this time.”  I say as Ian helps me stand.  The pain is still quite bad, but I know that I need to keep moving if I am going to get better.  “Okay, put your arm around my waist, and we’ll give it a try.”  He says.  I am able to make it slowly to the bathroom door, and when I look up at Ian, he is watching me closely.  He raises his right eyebrow and I nod.  He nods back and allows me to grab the counter top and maneuver myself toward the toilet.  “Call if you need me Ally, I’m going to go put some coffee on, okay?”  “Thanks Ian,” I say as I close the door.

I’ve never met anyone like Ian.  The man is obviously hurting, yet he still has enough to give—to be there for someone else.  It amazes me that someone I hardly know can do this when my own friends and family didn’t know how.

When I open the door, Ian is standing there waiting.  “Ready?”  He asks, walking toward me.  I put my arm around his waist and we slowly walk out to the living room.  I sit on the couch and Ian hands me my pills to take.  “Hungry?”  He asks.  “What time is it?”  I ask, looking out the window.  “Almost 3:00 p.m.”  He says as he brings me a cup of coffee.   “Wow, we slept for quite awhile.”  I say more to myself than him.  “Mmm hmm.”  He says as he rummages through the refrigerator.

***

“So, I brought a couple movies from my house that I thought we could watch tonight.”  I look at Ian as he takes another bite of his grilled cheese sandwich.  “We?”  I ask curiously.  “Yes,
we
.”  He says with a nod.  I set my plate down on the coffee table and look at him.  “Ian, you don’t need to do this.”  I run my fingers through my hair, making a mental note to somehow get it washed today.  “This is not new, Ian—I’ve been doing this by myself for over two years.”   The look on his face is almost comical.  “Two years, huh?”  He says, taking another bite.  I nod.  “Well, now we try it together.”  He nods back.

v
   
 

We settle into a routine of being together.  We eat together, watch TV together, and sleep together.  With Ian’s help, the next two weeks fly by free of nightmares.  He hasn’t had them either, and day by day, we form a friendship that would be hard to define if we ever needed to explain it. 

“You have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow Ally.”  Ian says over dinner.  “What?”  I am shocked.  I didn’t realize I needed to go back.  “Yes, it is a post op appointment with the surgeon.” “Oh.”  I say, biting my lip.  “Do you need me to take you, or do you want to drive yourself?”  He asks as he helps himself to more meatloaf.  “Umm, I don’t have a car.”  I mumble.  “Really?” He seems honestly surprised.  “Ally, how can you not have a car and live out here?  What if you need to get something? Go somewhere?” 
Great, he looks concerned now. 
“I don’t go anywhere.”  I say simply.  “What do you mean you don’t go
anywhere
?  I take a slow breath. “Exactly what I said. I. Don’t. Go. Anywhere.”  Ian puts his fork down and grabs my hand from across the table.  “When was the last time you left your house Ally—I mean before the surgery?”  I look down at my plate, trying to think of a way to answer this without him seeing how crazy I am.  I have a million things running through my head, and then I feel a small squeeze on my hand. Looking up into his dark eyes, I say “Before the surgery, I hadn’t been off my land for almost 2 years.” 

“Shit Ally!”  He gasps, and I pull my hand away from him—like I had been burned, as he stares at me.  He takes his hands and runs them through his hair. I can tell he is trying to sound calm, and it just pisses me off. “Look Ally, I didn’t mean…” Standing up, I carry my plate to the trash and scrape it.  “Stop it Ian!  Look, I don’t need your pity, and I don’t need you to tell me I’m screwed up!  Trust me, I am
well
aware of it!”  Standing and walking toward me, Ian softly says, “Ally, I didn’t mean that, it just surprised me, that’s all.” 

Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath.  “Ally, I just wish I knew why.  I wish I could understand—know why you choose to be so alone.”  “Choose?” I can’t help it, everything he says right now just infuriates me. “You think I
choose
this?”  I say swinging my hand around my surroundings.  “Why are you out here Ian?  Did you
choose
this?  Choose to be alone and tortured?” He looks like I just hit him.  I take a break, try to calm down, but I can’t. “If you think I am here, like
this
because I want to be, you haven’t learned a damn thing about me in the past 2 weeks!”