Bring Me Back (9 page)

“Damn it Ally!”  He bangs his hand so hard on the counter that it makes me jump. “That’s just it!  I
want
to know more about you!  I want you to trust me enough to tell me what happened to you.”  He walks toward me and reaches out.  At first I think he’s going to touch my face, but instead he reaches to the right side of my head and slowly drags his finger across my scar. He is so close to me that I can feel the warmth of his breath on my forehead as he looks down at me. “Please Ally, trust me.  What happened?  Why are you here like this?”  Without taking my eyes off of his, I reach up and move his hand away from my head, dropping it back to his side.  “I’m here—like this—because I didn’t die when I had the chance.”

Chapter 24

~Ian

I watch her turn and walk to her bedroom.  I am stunned.  I stand there, by myself in the kitchen for at least ten minutes before I feel the need to get away.  I pull on my boots and walk out the door.  I walk across the gravel drive without a destination in mind, until I come to a large tree stump, feeling crushed, I let myself just drop down. 

I put my head in my hands, and for once I don’t feel like crying.  She’s right, why
am
I out here?  The sad part is that I think I
did
choose this.  I chose to be alone and wallow in my grief.  I chose to stop living after I lost Laney.   I chose to turn away from everything and everyone I ever knew. 

Here is a woman, who I genuinely care about, who
didn’t
choose this.  I don’t know why she is this way, but I do know whatever it is, it was bad—maybe even horrific.  Somehow, she fought past whatever it was, and continues to do so every day.  She didn’t give up like me.

I either need to get to living or get to dying because this just existing thing I’ve been doing since Laney died, just isn’t cutting it anymore.

***

I don’t know how long I have been out here, and just how cold it is, until I feel my coat around my shoulders.  I slip my hands into the sleeves as Ally sits down next to me. We sit there in silence for what seems like hours, when I finally reach out and take her cold hand in mine.  “I’m sorry Ally.”  I feel her lay her head on my shoulder. “I know Ian, me too.  I just can’t…..not yet.”  I squeeze her hand.  “When you’re ready Ally, I’ll be here.”

***

I take Ally into town for her appointment the next day.  The surgeon is very pleased with how she has healed, and gives her permission to slowly start exercising again. 

I am more aware at what a huge step it is to have Ally here, away from our houses, so I don’t push any extra stops on her.  When we are finished at the doctors, I drive us straight home.  On the drive back, the snow begins to fall, and by the time we are pulling into the drive, it looks like a full blown white out.

I have been sleeping at Ally’s house since she came home from the hospital, and now that she is better, I feel almost sad at the thought of returning to my own home.

Nothing inappropriate has ever taken place between Ally and I.  Other than occasionally holding hands, we have always kept it platonic.  She is not the first woman I have ever shared a bed with, but she is definitely the first
friend
I have shared a bed with.  I keep telling myself that I am sleeping with her to protect her from her nightmares, but I think it might be as much for me as for her.  As crazy as our issues are, being with Ally has always felt so easy. 

***

“Let’s get you inside.”  I say as we park in front of her house.  I walk around and open Ally’s door, and help her out.  I start to walk up the stairs, but before I make it to the top, I feel a cold smack in the back of my head and snow trickle down the neck of my shirt.  Stunned, I slowly turn around and find Ally standing by the car with her eyebrow raised and a very poor attempt at an innocent look.  Smiling, I cock my head to the side, “Really?  Really Ally?  Do you
really
want to play this game?”  I say as I
leisurely
walk back down the steps toward her.  She is calmly backing away from me, as to further the gap between us, then I lunge and she screams.

Turning, Ally begins to run, laughing hysterically, toward a large tree about twenty feet away.  I grab a handful of snow, forming a solid ball as I chase her.  Launching it in her direction, it smacks against the tree as she springs behind it just in time. 

Before I can take cover, she hits me square in the chest with another frozen ball.  I decide a full on pursuit is in order and begin to charge, and as she peeks around the tree again, she screams when she realizes how close I am.  She runs around the other side of the tree and attempts to pass by me, but I reach out, grabbing her coat, and swing her back around.  Her momentum puts me off balance and we stumble backwards until I fall flat on my back, dragging Ally right on top of me.

“Oooh.”  I hear her gasp as she lands, prone, on top of me.  Looking up, I see her wet, snow covered hair cascade around her face and mine.  I can feel her heart beating wildly through both of our shirts, and I see something in her eyes, longing, making me want to pull her down and kiss her cold wet lips.  I shift under her and grab her waist underneath her coat, trying to ease her closer, but as I grip her sides, she winces.  “Oh shit Ally, did I hurt you?”  I say as I set us both upright.  She doesn’t say anything.  Realizing what I almost did, I quickly stand and pull her up.  “Come on, you’re going to catch a cold out here and then I’ll have to drag you back into town for the doctor.”  I say as I pull her towards the stairs.

When we get through the door, I peel her coat off of her and have her balance by leaning on my back as I pull her boots off.  I do the same and then we walk into the living room.  Her cheeks are flushed from the cold and her hair is wet with snow matted in it.  “Ally, you need to get in the shower and warm up.”  I’m going to get a fire going and then do the same.”  She nods and turns toward her bedroom.

I walk over to the fireplace and start building a fire. 
Damn it Ian!
I scold myself.  What am I doing?  Ally is my friend—the only friend I have had since Laney died.  I won’t allow myself to mess this up by crossing the lines of friendship. 

Once the fire is roaring, I grab a change of clothes and head to the bathroom, thinking I may need a cold shower rather than a hot one.

Chapter 25

~Ally

What are you doing Ally?
I question myself as I stand under the hot water.  What started as a harmless game turned into me coming close—too close to kissing Ian.  It is a good thing my body protested in pain when it did, or I may have messed up the only friendship I’ve had in over three years.

His eyes were so dark as he looked up at me, and his lips looked so soft.  I felt his warmth on every surface on the front of my body as I lay on him.   I have slept with this man for two weeks and never touched him like that.  Technically I am well enough to be on my own now, but the thought of Ian going back to his own house leaves a small void in my heart.  I love having him here.  My life went from letting absolutely no one in, to essentially having a roommate—that I felt so comfortable with almost instantly.

There is very little that is right in my screwed up life.  I won’t allow myself to mess this up with Ian.  He is my friend, that’s it.

***

“Hmmm, what is that smell?”  I asked as I came around the corner.  Ian turned around and smiled. “I made beef stew. Ronnie brought everything we needed when he came last.”  I sat down at the breakfast bar and watched him move comfortably around my kitchen.  “Can I help?”  I asked.  Shaking his head, “Nope.”    As he put a couple of things in the sink, Ian turned and looked at me.  “How are you feeling?”  He asked as he furrowed his eyebrows.  “A little sore.”  Smiling as I remembered our earlier snow ball fight.  “I know better, I just couldn’t help myself.”  Ian’s mouth quirked up. “You’re lucky you’re an invalid, or I would have been forced to bring out the big guns.”  He laughs as he flexes his biceps.  I laugh, “You’re right, we wouldn’t want that!” 

When I look back up, Ian is regarding me with an inquisitive look.  “What?”  I ask, feeling kind of nervous.  “Nothing…I umm, I just like to hear you laugh.  It’s nice.” He turns around to dish up our bowls, without expecting a response.

***

  Dinner was great, and as we clean up the kitchen, I take a look out the window.  “Wow Ian, it’s really coming down out there!”  He walks over to the window and looks off to the left.  “Man, I can’t even see my house.”  I sneak a look at him, “I guess you aren’t going to make it home tonight.”  I turn and walk away so he doesn’t see my face. “Yeah, I guess not.”  He says very softly, and my heart falls just a little at what sounds like disappointment in his voice.

I walk over to the couch and look at the fire that Ian built.  “Good job on the fire Ian.”  I say as I prop my feet on the coffee table.  “Yeah, it feels great, doesn’t it?”  He says as he comes and sits on the other side of the couch.  “Do you want to watch some TV?”  I ask handing him the remote.  “No, I think I want to talk.”  I look at him, trying to figure out where he is going with this.  “Oh?  What about?”  He turns toward me.  “Well, I just realized that I don’t even know how old you are.”  He says smiling.  “We’ve gotten to be pretty good friends over these past couple weeks, but we managed to skip right over the basic information.”  I laugh, “I guess we have, huh?”  He nods. “Well?”  He waggles his eyebrows at me.  Smiling and shaking my head, I answer him.  “I’m twenty-two, as of August.  You?”  He smiles, “Twenty-four. March birthday.”  I take the next question, “Siblings?”  He shakes his head. “Only child.”  I nod, “Me too.”  He asks his next question. “Where did you grow up?”  I look at him, biting my bottom lip a little, “Umm, Denver. What about you?” 

I can tell he noticed my pause before the last answer because he is watching me closely, the way he does when he’s trying to figure something out. “Colorado Springs.”  He finally says.  Still watching me, he asks, “Your parents?  Are they still in Denver?” I start to shake—first my hands and then my entire body.  “Ian?” I whisper, and I see him fly across the couch to me, pulling me into his arms.  “I’m sorry Ally. Shit!  I’m so sorry baby.”  He says as he rocks me.  I close my eyes and press my face into his chest.
Breathe Ally. Come back.  Come back.  
I tell myself over and over.  I try to concentrate on Ian—his arms around me, his voice soothing me.  I try to list what I know is real—the smell of the fire, the sound of Ian’s voice, the smell of freshly laundered clothes from Ian’s shirt. 

Slowly the trembling subsides and I begin to pull away from Ian. “Ally, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to….I didn’t know.”  I try to smile at him, but I know it doesn’t look right.  “It’s okay Ian.  Should we watch some TV now?”  I ask, as he continues watching me.  He nods, reaching for the remote, but not letting me go.    He places a pillow on his lap and pulls me down so my head rests on it.  Turning on the remote and flipping through the channels, he starts to run his fingers through my hair as he searches for a show.

Chapter 26

~Ian

I pushed her too far.  I was hoping to get a little more from her—find out more about who she is, and I took an innocent and fun conversation and made it traumatic for her. 
I’m such an asshole!

I’m hardly paying attention to the movie that’s on.  I’m so distracted by how soft Ally’s hair is against my fingers, how much I love how she curls her hands underneath her chin when she lays down.  Her little giggle as she watches silly sitcoms and movies, and her laughter.  I have heard her laugh more and more in the past few days, but this afternoon was the first time I ever saw
playful Ally
.  I hope when I close my eyes, I will see her playful face again in my mind.