Bring Me the Head of Sergio Garcia (17 page)

Lewton was lucky: his scholarship was of the 100 per cent variety, worth £30,000. His main living expenses were in the form of his airfares to and from America. The owner of no fewer than six high-spec golf bags, he couldn't remember the last time he'd had to pay for any of his equipment. ‘They throw all sorts of stuff at me,' he said, pointing to his latest pair of £200 golf shoes. ‘The coaches out there tend to have deals with all the big manufacturers, on top of their salaries.' He made a beeline for my bag and began to finger my clubs suspiciously. ‘What do you think of these Taylor Made RACs?'

I frowned and pretended to consider the question for a second, then said, ‘I like them!' This was a stock answer that I'd had the chance to perfect during the fourteen or fifteen times, since the end of winter, that James had asked me the same question. The truth was, since I'd got my new irons, I hadn't really given a lot of thought to their ‘performance'. The way it seemed to me was that they were golf clubs and, like most other golf clubs, if you swung them well, they would help the ball go more or less where you wanted it.

‘Driver's nice. Maybe put a bit of lead on the shaft? Putter looks kind of offset.'

Four years ago, Lewton had played as an amateur in a couple of Europro Tour events (amateurs of two handicap and better can enter tournaments, although, not being able to win any money, the incentive is low), and had also missed out on qualifying for the European Tour by a shot. He hadn't enjoyed the former much (‘I didn't find it very friendly – people seemed to keep themselves to themselves'), and the latter had proved to be a blessing in disguise, as it allowed him to take up his scholarship at North Carolina State University.

‘I love it out there,' he said. ‘The courses are in out-of-this-world condition and the practice facilities are like nothing in the UK. The greens are about 13 or 14 on the stimpmeter. They're so fast that sometimes the ball will roll away if you don't press it into the grass when you mark it.' Being on a scholarship (the academic part of his degree was in Business Management) meant that Steve would have to wait longer than many to start earning money as a golfer, but one only had to look at the career of Luke Donald – a former American college
golf
number one, and now one of the top ten players in the world – to see the benefits of this kind of golfing apprenticeship.

When Steve was at school in the UK, he'd known it wasn't wise to admit that he liked golf – particularly to girls. In America, he said, it was very different. ‘When you say you're on the golf team, the women out there are like, “Cool.”' They love my accent as well. But it's not quite like being one of the American football guys. They can have virtually any girl they want. And they've got the biggest gym you've ever seen all to themselves. We have to share ours with the basketball team.' He said he worked out five times a week on average – three times under supervision, twice on his own.

I knew that the notion that golf wasn't an athletic sport was one that had become outmoded somewhere between Tiger Woods's first green jacket and Craig ‘The Walrus' Stadler's final season as a PGA Tour regular, but Steve's intrinsic sportiness still surprised me. It wasn't just that he had all-round talent – he'd considered becoming a professional footballer too, and had only chosen golf after sustaining a knee injury whilst skiing – but that he was a completely alien golfing being to the ones I'd been taught to idolise while growing up. I'd already noticed that the world's best golfers were fitter and taller and more positive than they had been when I was in my youth, but my game with Steve was the first time I'd been up close to someone with the whole package: pure-bred confirmation that the days when a belly was OK providing it didn't impede your swing and the ideal golfer's height was just under six foot and long hitting wasn't necessarily an advantage and it was considered ‘bigheaded'
to
talk about your inherent greatness were long gone.

Steve was six foot three, he hit his drives well over three hundred yards with an ease bordering on the comical, he talked frankly about how ‘Every time I stand up to the ball, I just know I'm going to hit a good shot … and it was obvious that every one of these things worked hugely in his favour. If I didn't add anything to my post-Belfry golfing to-do list after meeting him, it was because doing so would have been too depressing: achieving that Lee Westwood glow was a mere enigma; growing three and a quarter inches was a biological impossibility.

I played poorly at Woburn. It was one of those days – with which I was becoming worryingly familiar – when I had so little sense where my hands were at the top of my swing that, for all the good they were doing, they might as well have been back at home, twiddling the keypad on my Nintendo. Only minutes after my round, though, I looked back at it and found that, oddly, I couldn't remember much about it at all – not even the destructive bits. Had I scored 76? 78? 81? There was the pleasing moment on the eighteenth when Steve had told me to widen my stance, and I'd promptly belted my drive three hundred yards (only about forty yards behind his, that time). And then the moment before that when his dad, Mike, showed me a famous bit of tree trunk that looked like male genitalia. And … that was about it. Had I actually been on the course, or just haunting it from the sidelines, an appreciative ghostly spectator to Lewton's languorous birdie-making and Mike's fond
tales
of his son's endless childhood brilliance?
⁹
I couldn't be sure. Whatever the case, I'd had a great day.

There should have been something terrifying, mortifying about playing with Lewton. And, on some level, I knew the facts. I knew that he was bigger than me, stronger than me, more technically adept than me, seven years younger than me. I knew that, although I'd had rounds under 70, and (two) rounds with seven birdies in them, I had never had a round under 70 with seven birdies where I had been able to say, in all truth, that I could easily have had seven more. I knew that he had a dad who believed in him so much that he'd never made him do a day's work in his life. I knew that, for Steve, golf made everything else go out of focus, in a way it didn't for me. I had first-hand experience of appendicitis, and I knew that suffering from it and still managing to shoot two rounds of 75 in a tournament, as Steve had done, was an achievement of mind-boggling stamina. I knew that he was
that
good – so good that, just last year, he'd been tussling with the new star of the PGA Tour, Camillo Villegas; so good that he was in line for a Walker Cup call-up next year; so good that he'd been given a scholarship that thousands of other young British golfers would have killed for – and he
still
wasn't sure if he was going to be able to make a career in golf pay. And I knew that
all of that really should have been
telling
me something
, and that it was enough to cancel – no, not cancel, STOMP – out all those moments when I'd played with a pro and beat him or hit the ball more sweetly, and thought, ‘I could do this!' And, finally, I knew that the most worrying thing of all was that none of this dampened my spirits or detracted from the fact that it was perfect golfing weather and it wasn't often you got to see ball-striking of that quality for free and I was lucky to be playing Woburn.

But, like I said, I really did have ever such a nice day.

It's only later that you're able to take a balanced look at what happened. Only later that you think about statements like ‘I really did have ever such a nice day' and ‘I felt lucky to be playing Woburn.' Only later that you ask yourself, ‘Do these honestly sound like the statements of a man who is about to show no mercy, wrestle the rest of the Open qualifying field to the floor and beat his chest in victory?' That's where before and after are like two separate camera angles: the close-up, showing the man walking into the cave, which he thinks is a little bit scary and stalactitey and damp but sort of cosy too; and the long shot, which reveals the cave to be not a cave at all, but the mouth of a gargantuan extra-terrestrial, ready for its supper.

1
Of course, I didn't actually represent Diss in any official capacity. I did not even represent Zentex Fabrics. I represented me. Whatever the case, since my Europro Tour debut, I had clearly been demoted from representing ‘England'. Perhaps England had complained.

2
Local, in this instance, meaning ‘local to the course where The Open is held', as opposed to ‘local to the player.

3
e.g. ‘Minutes of the Thetford Golf Club AGM, 2004', aka ‘How We can Solve the Badger Problem on the Tenth Fairway: A Ten-Page Treatise'.

4
Not that teeth were necessarily thought of as a major asset in north Nottinghamshire. My own grandma, who was from that neck of the woods, had got rid of hers when she was in her early twenties. ‘There wasn't anything wrong with them,' she once told me. ‘It just seemed more convenient to be done with them. And I knew a nice man who could do it on the cheap.'

5
The notable exceptions were Ian Poulter, who gets his clothes tailor-made, and the spectator in his early fifties standing just to our left modelling the ‘Golf Hipster in Mid-Life Crisis' look: fluorescent bri-nylon orange shirt, jeans and golf shoes. You could put the combination of the first two items down to mere male menopausal disarray, but not the footwear. Why on earth was he wearing them? Was he hoping for a spot in the tournament?

6
Fact: all county-funded junior golf meals consist of sausage, egg, chips and beans.

7
Holder of the record for the Most Frequent Use of the Phrase ‘Y'know' in a five-minute period (see US Masters, third round, 1991, BBC archives).

8
Sample product: ‘Cheat golf pants, replete with a hole in their pocket, to enable players to drop new balls in the rough when their partners aren't looking.

9
e.g. The time when Steve was twelve and he won a junior tournament at Wentworth and Ryder Cup captain Bernard Gallagher, who was announcing the final European line-up on TV from the club's putting green that day, pretended that Steve was one of his two captain's picks.

THERE ARE SOME
great golf courses – St Andrews, for example – that announce themselves matter-of-factly to the world. Others demand a grand entrance. Hollinwell, like Augusta and Wentworth, is among the latter. It is reached by driving almost a mile down a private lane, through a five-hundred-yard wall of pines so opaque it formed a convenient hiding place for one of Nottinghamshire's most infamous modern-day murderers. However, you don't ever really just ‘reach' Hollinwell; you always
arrive.
The trees clear dramatically, and from an elevated vantage point you look down a hill to a characterful, if slightly spooky-looking, clubhouse built in the 1930s (the underacknowledged heyday of nineteenth-hole architecture). To your left and right, enough of the cascading third and eighteenth holes are visible to offer an immediate assurance that this is true golfing terrain – if not built by the gods, then considerably nudged along by them.

I'd had numerous dreams about that moment at the top of the hill, and had spent considerable time mentally preparing myself for it. It was no surprise that, when it
finally
arrived, it gave me a cold feeling in my throat, as if I'd just gone for a jog after eating a packet of Fox's Glacier Mints. What I wasn't prepared for was the realisation that over the years, the vista had not shrunk. Hollinwell still seemed vast, important, not the kind of course that squeezed its holes parsimoniously into the smallest possible amount of space. It might have had attitude, but unlike most other restricted golfing hideaways, you could sort of see its point. Much as it pained me to admit it, I had to face up to the fact that if I was a golf course like this, I probably wouldn't want some south Nottinghamshire ne'er-do-well sullying my environs with his stinky golf bag and his dad's rotting car either.

I used to imagine that a day would come when I'd feel a sense of bold belonging upon arriving in the car park of a golf club, but it has yet to transpire. Time has taught me that, in the same way that most car accidents happen within a mile of home, most golf bollockings happen within a minute of parking your car. At times like this I am unable to distinguish between pre-tournament nerves and pre-authoritarian nerves – it is all one heady, terrifying cocktail. It is, however, one of golf's many contradictions that the more prestigious the tournament, the less suspicious that tournament's venue is of outsiders. Had Hollinwell merely been playing host to the Captain's Greensome Stableford, I'm sure that as I drove past the pro shop the man standing outside it with the blazer badge and comb-over would have already been on the phone to the local constabulary about my breach of headgear regulations or contravention of Local Rule 136.13: Minimum Permissible Visiting Vehicle Engine
Size
. As it was, he barely twitched a buttery jowl in my direction.

In fact, on practice day for The Open Championship Regional Qualifying, Hollinwell took on a reposeful, almost welcoming quality. As I drove vigilantly past the clubhouse entrance, careful not to run over the golf bags of any immediate past captains, a couple of youths cleaning the grooves on their irons with tee-pegs outside the shop even smiled at me. I smiled back and, seeing that one of them was my old friend Jamie Daniel, waved.

Jamie gave me a ‘Who the fuck do you think you're waving at, you bum onion?' kind of look, and returned to his grooves.

I then noticed that he wasn't Jamie at all, but a facsimile of a younger Jamie, only with louder trousers and soggier hair.

It seemed appropriate that in considering what my old golfing adversary would look like, I had not factored in the ageing process. Youth, after all, had once been his Thing – in the same way that smoking a cigar or being sarcastic might be other people's Things. He'd honed it, become renowned for it.