Broken Wings (Cruel and Beautiful World, Book One 1) (47 page)

"I fucking forced you, Deryn! I forced you to be with me, just like him!"

"You would never -"

"But I did. You were vulnerable and I didn't care!” he shouted. “I fucking took what I wanted anyway. I
knew
. Deep down I knew that my father raped you and I fucked you anyway!"

Deryn went white. Her whole body felt heavy as he slowly stepped away from her. "Xander, please." She reached out for him but he only pulled away again.

"I'm selfish. I'm so fucking selfish that I chose not to see. But I can't be selfish when it comes to you, Deryn. Not anymore."

Xander stared deep into her eyes, the whites of them bloodshot while her sea-green irises were dim behind the tears. He hated seeing her like this.

"I'm getting you out," he said. "As soon as I can."

Deryn started to take a step forward, but stopped when Xander took a step back. "Xander, please. This is why I didn't want to tell you. You're already looking at me differently."

"How can I not?" His heart sank as she looked at him so desperately. "I need some air." He headed for the door but quickly stopped. "If I go, will you still be here when I get back?"

Deryn whimpered and nodded. "Should I move back to the guestroom?"

Xander tried to say yes, but he couldn't. "I don't want you to, but if that's what you -"

"I want to stay with you."

"Then stay. I'll be back shortly."

Without waiting for a response, Xander headed for the front door. He put on his coat and his shoes, stopping for a moment to punch the wall with all he had, not caring that he hit it so hard his knuckles started to bleed. He needed to hurt something and his father wasn't there.

Feeling himself losing control, Xander opened the door and ran out. As he leapt down the stairs two at a time, he started to think about where he should go. He didn't want to be alone right now, but he knew he couldn't stay there with Deryn since he was only moments away from breaking. As much as it pained him to admit it, there was only one other person he wanted to see.

Once outside, Xander went into the garage, took out his hover-bike and rode off in the direction of Luka's house.

When he arrived at the Voclains front door, their wave let him in and he hurried towards Luka's bedroom. Luka's father Barath was sitting by the fireplace in the living room, drinking some brandy.

"Ah, young Ruby. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Obviously I'm not here for you, you sick fuck," said Xander as he passed on by.

When he got to Luka's room, Luka was lying on the bed, his head hanging over the edge with a half-finished bottle of gin in his hands. He looked at him upside-down.

" Long time no see. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Xander grunted. "Like father, like fucking son," he said, shutting the door behind him. He walked over and tore the bottle from Luka's hands, taking several large gulps while his friend watched in amazement. By the time he came up for air, the bottle was pretty much empty. "Why are you drinking here? You should be out finding some girl or something."

Luka sat up and took the bottle back. He frowned at the small swish of liquid left. "Well, you see, the asshole I used to go drinking with recently fell for this girl, and I haven't really seen much of him since."

"I doubt I've been that bad."

Luka raised his eyebrows.

Xander grunted. "Fine. I've been an ass, but you don't have to worry about that anymore because it's over." He winced at the words, grabbed the bottle again and drank the last bit of gin to stop himself from breaking down.

"Really?"

Luka froze suddenly. He stared at his door for a moment, then jumped up and walked over to it. He threw it open with such a force that Barath nearly toppled over.

"Is there something you needed, Father?"

"Uh, no," said Barath as he stood up straight. "Xander seemed distressed when he came through just now so I thought I would see if everything's alright."

"Everything's fine," said Luka, slamming the door in his father's face and locking it. "So why is it over?" he asked, leading Xander into a small study connected to his room. This was the only entrance, so they would actually have some privacy. "You finally smuggle her out of Utopia or something?"

"No," said Xander, his eyes glossy as he took a seat on the chaise lounge in the corner. "She's still here."

"Then what -"

"It's my father." Just the mention of Atticus was enough to make Xander's tears spill over. He wiped them. "He ... he raped her. He fucking raped her, Luka."

Luka gaped at him. "She told you that?"

Xander nodded. "After I asked. My father came by my apartment. He didn't see her or anything, but after he left she began acting crazy. I suspected it before but I didn't really want to know."

"Why not?"

After taking several deep breaths, Xander looked at his friend sadly and said, "Because I'm in love with her." His words were sharp and painful.

Luka's eyes widened in surprise. He looked off to the side. This was awkward.

"I'm fucking in love with her, Luka. I've
been
in love with her but I don't know what to do now. This changes everything. I want to kill my father for what he did to her. I want him fucking dead! I want them all fucking dead for ever thinking they could touch her and get away with it! I want them all to suffer!"

Luka smiled at the floor. "It's good to know you're as cold as ever."

"You were right before," said Xander. "When you said I took advantage of her. I didn't think I did but -"

He gulped.

"- but what girl in her right mind would ever want to be with the son of a man who raped her unless pushed? I pushed her into this. When I first started feeling something for her, I knew she felt it too, but she kept denying it so I pushed. I pushed her to the point of pinning her against a fucking wall and holding her there until she admitted she wanted me."

"Sounds kinky."

"It's not kinky!" shouted Xander. "It's sick! I'm sick!"

Luka took a deep breath and sat beside Xander. They stayed there awkwardly for a moment before he lifted his arm and patted his friend on the back, nearly knocking him forward.

"What are you doing?"

"Being comforting," said Luka, continuing to pat.

"You're doing a lousy fucking job."

"Yeah, well, I've never done this before so you're going to have to deal." Luka stopped his patting. "For what it's worth, I was angry the other day. You were in the middle of installing a fucking mind control chip in my band. But I don't actually think you're taking advantage of her. Not from what I've seen, anyway."

"You don't?" asked Xander hopefully.

"Yeah," said Luka. "Don't get me wrong, what the two of you are doing is fucking twisted. But the whole world is fucking twisted right now, so it's kinda hard to place any proper judgment on you."

Xander laughed halfheartedly.

Luka smiled. "So you're really in love with her?"

With a shallow nod, Xander said, "Yes."

"Is it just, like, amazing sex or something?"

Xander smirked. "It's fucking mind-blowing, but it's not just that. It's everything. Just being around her makes me happier than I've ever been."

Luka crinkled his nose. "This is weird."

"I know."

"Xander Ruby with feelings. Never thought I'd see the day."

"You and me both."

"It's kind of unsettling, isn't it?" asked Luka with a smile.

Xander smiled back and nodded. "I hate it."

As the two of them were overcome with a bit of an awkward silence, Luka opened the small cabinet beside the chaise lounge and took out a new bottle of gin. He popped it open and took a swig before handing it to Xander.

"When did you start hoarding this shit in your room?" asked Xander as he took a large gulp.

"When I found out my father wants to kill me, and it started to get really uncomfortable drinking with him in the living room. It really puts a damper on things."

"Why don't you ask Saevus if you can move into your own place in Middle City? He offered a few years back, didn't he?"

"Yes, but I'm trying not to look suspicious, remember? You're the one who ordered me to act this way and I must obey," said Luka scornfully.

Xander frowned and handed back the bottle. "It's not that I don't trust you."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you not the one who said I couldn't be trusted that night your girlfriend
tied me to a fucking chair
?"

"I didn't want to install that chip. I didn't want you to be any fucking part of this, but, if you're going to be, it's safer this way."

"Safer my ass! You know I would never do anything to -"

"Safer for
you
," said Xander sternly. "You and I both know that Deryn's not getting out of here without some shit blowing up in our faces first. I don't expect to survive this, Luka, and when I don't they'll come for you. At least if you have this chip installed they won't think you were a spy or something. It's your safety net. Fucking embrace it."

Luka laughed. "So this is all for
my
benefit? Liar." He took a swig.

"It's a partial truth," said Xander. "I do trust you. And Deryn told me what you did for her when she was your father's slave. She told me what you've done for all of them. And the old woman with the knife ..."

Luka tensed beside him.

"I made it quick for her, Luka. She didn't feel much. I promise."

Luka gulped and gave a shallow nod, but he didn't say anything. Because, he knew if he did, he wouldn't be able to hold back the tears he was currently fighting.

A bright streak of lightning shot across the sky outside of Luka's window. Loud thunder followed, resonating through the room.

Xander winced. "Shit. I didn't know there was going to be a thunderstorm tonight."

"Why does that matter?"

"Deryn's afraid of thunder." Xander shot to his feet. "I shouldn't have left her alone in the first place. Just more proof that I'm a selfish bastard."

"You won't hear any arguments from me," said Luka, taking another swig. He swallowed hard. "But, for what it's worth, I don't think you should give up on this twisted romance of yours just yet. Your father's a bastard. You've known this your entire life. And I kind of like this lovelorn Xander. You've been pretty fucking miserable these past five years. At least now you're mildly happy, which is more than I can say for me."

With a faint smile, Xander said, "We'll get you out of this house, Luka. But, for now, just stay out of your father's way."

"Yeah, yeah." Luka waved him off as he fell back on the chaise lounge. "Night, Xan. Go protect your girlfriend from the big, bad thunder."

Xander flipped him off.

"I saw that."

"You were meant to."

Xander returned to the living room, where Barath was sitting once more. He watched in curiosity as Xander more-or-less ignored him and ran out the front door.

It was not a long walk to the gate and then a ride home, but he still got soaked.

When he arrived at his apartment, thunder was echoing loudly throughout it. He tore off his coat and shoes, tossed them aside and hurried to his bedroom. His bed was bare of its comforter, and the gentle sound of weeping came from behind his bathroom door.

Xander opened the door, tiptoed inside, and climbed into his large, round bathtub. He slumped down next to the heap of blankets, rummaging through them until he found the warm body he was seeking.

"Hi, Deryn," he said, lifting the comforter so he could see her face.

She looked at him with tear-filled eyes and sniffled.

"Are you alright?"

She nodded.

"I'm sorry I left," he said, wrapping his arms around her. He found comfort in the feeling of the oversized, flannel pajamas she wore so often.

"I-it's okay," she said, whimpering as she buried her head in his shoulder. "I understand why you're mad at me."

"Is that what you think?" he asked, stroking her hair out of her face. "That I'm mad at you?"

"Aren't you? For not telling you -"

"You shouldn't have to tell me, Deryn. I should've known. But I just -"

Xander gulped.

"I don't understand when it happened. My father's never owned a slave. I would've known if he -"

"I was never his slave, Xander. His house is where they kept me in the beginning. Before Elvira recommended I join the slave trade."

"They kept you in his house? While I still lived there?"

Deryn nodded. "They kept me in the basement. I could hear your voice sometimes."

Tears filled Xander's eyes as he continued to gaze at her. "Deryn, if I'd known -"