BrokenHearted (2 page)

She rolls her eyes at me. Her dark brown eyes could possess clergymen. And I know because she has.

The phone rings, and I give the orders to her real quick. I point at the drinks on the tray. “These two beers are for Mr. Cocky and Mr. Intense plus the two shots.” I point at the other orders next. “Make sure you do not get them screwed up because I am not in the mood to deal with...”

“Jesus, Ry. I can handle taking some drinks over to men. Knock your shit off. Go get the damn phone,” she answers me condescendingly.

I turn and head back behind the bar and answer the phone while watching Sadie work the crowd effortlessly. Even when she doesn’t try, she can work a crowd.

I watch how the guys give her the exact attention she was hoping for except Mr. Intense. His eyes remain on Mr. Cocky; he isn’t the least bit interested in her. What in the hell is wrong with him? Only one explanation, he must be gay. I see many men on a nightly basis, but this one stands out to me.

Sadie is beautiful, and the only woman I know who is completely comfortable in her skin. Her long thick brown hair is pulled to one shoulder, and her chocolate eyes have the intensity of a death wish.

She finishes delivering the other orders and makes her way back to me, always leaving her audience begging for more.

“Holy mother of God, did you see those two guys checking me out?” She smiles her wicked smile that only a person who knows her so excellently would love while showing off her perfect white veneers she paid a fortune for.

“I saw one checking you out, but the other was not the least bit interested. Could it be that you are losing your voodoo?” I ask teasingly.

“Hmmm … well, you know I love a good challenge.”

I smiled. And she did.  “Mr. Cocky seemed interested. Mr. Intense barely looked at you.”

“Oh, he looked.” She smirked.

Lewis spoke up. “No, sweet pea, he didn’t.” He took another sip of his beer he had been nursing for longer than Sadie had been there, and then turned his attention back to the TV, reading the headlines of the different sports scores. 

“Is he as good looking up close as he is from a distance?” I ask.

“Why do you care? You haven’t paid attention to the opposite sex since …” she asks, but it was more of a statement.

“I can say a man looks good, for heaven’s sake. I mean, hell, I’m not dead.” I roll my eyes.             

Sadie looks slightly peeved as she turns to me, ignoring Lou’s statement. “How about that beer, Ry? Or do I need to come back there and get it myself.”

“Hold your horses, Ms. Bossy.”

“And get me a shot while you’re at it. I need to catch up with the guys over there before I deliver some shots on me.”

I roll my eyes because I knew exactly what she was doing. I knew the entertainment brought to me by Sadie Wilson would not be dull tonight.

Trevor

As I drink down my beer and listen to Maxwell carry on about the beautiful brunette who delivered our drinks, I interrupt the conversation to remind him why we are here.

“Max … listen … I have had two fucking hours of sleep. I didn’t come here to watch you get a hard-on over some woman. I came to talk to you.”

“Take your shot, asswipe, and shut up.”

“I’m serious. I am running on zero energy on top of all the stress. I don’t have time to fuck around.”

“Fine … finish …”

He sits back and actually attempts to be interested in what I am saying, but it was like talking to a distracted child. Not sure how long he’ll last before he decides to pay attention to Miss Half top again. She did have a nice rack and beautiful hair, though. Ass was a little too small for me. And flip-flops with jeans? What in the hell is she thinking? It was hot in Arizona too, but women weren’t wearing that there and for good reason. It looks stupid. Or hell maybe they were, and I didn’t notice.

“I know the minute I step in my parents’ house, they are going to tell me how they need help. That is the only reason I am here …”

“My fucking ass. You got offered a once in a lifetime opportunity at the hospital, and that is why you are back.”

“Bullshit,” I spat. “I was offered several positions, but I took this one because my mother is stressing and needs me. And she is everything to me …”

“And she should be. She is the only one who stood by you when …”

I raise my voice. “Don’t you fucking say it. I did not come here to discuss that.”

“Sure, don’t discuss it. I’m betting my ass her headstone was the first place you went when you got back in Austin. Even after I told you …”

Maxwell pauses but begins again before I have a chance to defend myself.

“Trev, you’ve got to get the fuck over it. I told you what I told you after looking into what really happened with Leah, hoping it would help you get that woman out of your head.”

I stand up staring him in his eyes to make sure he sees the anger in my eyes. “I will NEVER get over it. That was my LIFE.”

He doesn’t speak and only watches my expression. I know he was thinking about what he had said before. We had been in this situation many times over the years. He was the only one who knew the entire story. What had happened … what will haunt me … what made me brokenhearted. And I will never recover.

I walk over to the bar needing a breather and to order another shot of Fireball. I loved the way it burned going down my throat. It was symbolic of how my heart felt. Burned … hollow … empty.

The woman behind the bar was steadily making drinks with a smile on her face. Her blond hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and her blue eyes looked happy. Joyous almost. I couldn’t remember the last time I was happy like that. I was an accomplished physician, yes, but I didn’t genuinely want to wake up the next day. I didn’t really have anything to live for other than my career. I wondered if I’d ever feel that way again, but being honest with myself, I had little hope.

An old man at the end of the bar was telling her jokes, and she was acting like she was really enjoying it, letting out a light laugh and looking up every once in a while to see the man’s face. She was trying to make him feel good.

She saw me take a seat at the bar and made eye contact with me immediately.

“I’ll be with you in just a minute, hon.” I watch as she finishes the order she was working on and walks it toward the end of the bar.

“What can I get for ya?”

“Fireball shot.”

“Okay, that all?”

She looks at Maxwell in the back of the bar.

“For now.”

I watch her pour it and then another.

She hands me mine, and then lifts the second one that she poured.

She lifts it up against mine and toasts. I watch her lost in a trance trying to see what she is doing.

“To life.” She clanks our small glasses then drinks hers down, and I follow.

“Yeah, okay,” I remark like a smartass.

I know she was just trying to be nice … or maybe she just wanted a drink. God only knows. I stopped reading women a long time ago. Clearly, I sucked at it. Leah had played me like a fool, and I wasn’t up for another round of that mockery.

She acted as if she was going to say something but then stopped.

I give her a rude look, daring her to speak.

“You know, it wouldn’t kill you to smile.”

“You smile when you have something to smile about …”

“And you don’t?” she responds giving me no sympathy.

I shake my head coldly, irritatingly.

Maxwell comes up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder. I move my shoulder to show I wasn’t ready for his gesture, hoping he would sense my irritation.

The girl behind the bar reads the body language like a pro and begins to fill other orders that were coming in, half listening but half occupied.

The brunette walks up beside us and stands there waiting for us to notice her with one hand tucked in her back pocket casually.

Maxwell does, but her existence doesn’t make any difference to me.

She sticks her hand out to introduce herself, and Maxwell takes the bait. I look at the large TV positioned behind the bar.

“Hey, I’m Sadie, and this is my friend Ryann. Y'all from Austin?”

“Maxwell, and this is my friend Trevor. Yeah, you?”

“Born and raised. I live just a couple of blocks away, off Nueces. Ry here drives in from Dripping.”

Maxwell smiles, putting on the charm. I roll my eyes. That is where my parents lived, and he knows I will be listening now. I glare at him, advising him without speaking to keep his mouth shut.

“Hell … that’s a far drive. I live in town too, and Trev …”

I stand up, ready to leave, since I didn’t come to Smith’s to chat. I had tons on my mind and was more concerned about seeing my parents tomorrow than the worst trauma I had faced in the ER. Disfigured limbs, burns, blood, all of it—I would take it over going back to my parents’ house. Those injuries weren’t of people I knew or people I had abandoned. And I knew why. My job, hell, I knew I was good at it. A son… not too good at. If only I would have known what I know now … I guess at one time, I probably was, but after … I couldn’t forgive and forget. I couldn’t help but think that my dear old dad helped to destroy a part of me when he forbid what he knew I had to do as a man and what my heart told me.

Truthfully, he was always disappointed that I didn’t follow in his footsteps … and then when I lost … my heart … there was no reason for me to try to be what he wanted me to be. He wanted me to be him. And I didn’t want to be my father.

“Max, we will have to catch up another time. I have to get some sleep before my long day tomorrow. I’m heading to my parents for breakfast.”

“Let me know how it goes. I am going to stick around a while longer to get to know Sadie here…” He smiles and winks and I knew exactly what he meant. I knew that once he started the “I’m a lieutenant with the AFD” line, she would strip for him there. He loved to brag about his position and how he saved people. Hell, I saved people … too bad I couldn’t save myself.

The woman behind the bar looked up to sweetly say, “Nice to meet you,” but I was already walking away, oblivious to her kindness. I heard her friend’s smartass remark as I made my way to the door, and then Max trying to change the subject. “Is he always such an asshole?”

“Nah … he has his reasons,” Max commented.

Reasons that Maxwell had better not speak of. Hell, what did I care if he did? I wouldn’t be back in here anytime soon.

Ryann

As most mothers are, my mother was the one blessing in my life I could never take for granted. Not to say I haven’t before, because I have, especially when Jake was in my life.  You know how they say your mama is always right? Yeah … one shouldn’t roll their eyes at that comment because it is true. I had learned to block out many people in my life with the exception of my mother, Sadie, and my aunt. Good or bad, that was the woman I had become.

Mom and I had just left Sunday mass and were going over to her place to have lunch. I don’t always make it to church with her, but you can find my mother sitting in the fifth pew from the front at St. Mary’s Catholic Church every single Sunday. She has gone there all her life.

“So Sadie came by the hotel the other day to say hi, said she was in the area. She brought me a cold drink knowing how hot I would be in this hellish weather.”

“That was nice of her. You know she thinks of you as her own mother.”

“Yes, I know, dear. Anyway, she told me about some fellow named Maxwell? And a Trevor, is it?”

“I guess. I didn’t pay too much attention. Actually, I think I named them Mr. Cocky and Mr. Intense.”

“Heavens, Ry.”

“Whatever, Mom. Not a big deal. I see guys like them all the time at Smith’s.”

“I still hate you working there.”

“We aren’t having this conversation.”

“Just so you know, I bet you could reapply at some colleges, and I could help …”

“That is not me anymore. I don’t want that. I am happy with what I am doing, and then I have the days I can help Jackie with her stables.”

“Ry …”

“What, Mama?”

“You know I prayed for you today. I do every day, but I prayed that you would be happy.”

“I am truly happy. My life isn’t what I planned, but I am making the best of it.” And I really was. Just like she did. So it hadn’t turned out as planned. Big deal.

“You know … Jake’s parents were at the church meeting Monday night. They said that he has finally settled down and is working for the State.”

“Good for him.”

“I’m not telling you this to upset you.”

“I’m not upset. I just don’t know why you would think I would care what he is doing.”

“Because I just thought if I told you that, you would move on.”

“That is where you are wrong, Mama. I have moved on.”

“Really? I don’t remember the last time I heard you gush over a gentleman.”

“I don’t remember the last time you gushed over a man?”

“Don’t you sass me, missy. I’m an old woman. Besides, I’ve had a few dates with William at the hotel. He is a sweetheart.”

“I know, I know. Southern charm.”

“Yes, ma’am.” She smiled.

“I will get there, Mom. It will happen when it happens.”

“While we are on the subject … how long do you plan on living on the piece of crap land in Dripping in that trailer?”

“Until I am ready to move … which won’t be anytime soon.”

“I know you are making a good living working, and Jackie tells me she pays you well to help at the stables.”

“I love it out there, and I love my home.”

“But it was where you and Jake were going to live?”

“And we didn’t, but I did.”

“But …”

“Mama …. enough, okay? We don’t need to go through this every couple of weeks. It is mine out there. All mine. I don’t have to answer to anyone. Don’t you think I earned it after going through what I went through with him?”

“Yes, certainly. Not a doubt in my mind you ‘earned’ it. If that is what you mean by getting your heart trampled on then losing all the things you had worked so hard for until that asshat came in and turned your world upset down.”

I was speechless.

“I’m sorry, Ry … That wasn’t right for me to say.” She reaches her hand out to hold mine. “I guess I will always be bitter.”

“I’ve let that go.”

“Good for you. I guess I need to work on that too,” she remarks, but I know as well as she does that probably wasn’t going to happen. She sees it one way, and that is someone hurt her little girl.

“Just promise me one thing …”

“Maybe …” I smile as if I was a child about to promise her mother that she wouldn’t eat any more candy, knowing it was highly likely she would. Fingers crossed.

“Remember that you have a lot to give … love … and that you will give it a try again and not be so hardheaded like me.”

“Possibly.” I grin.

“So tell me about these guys that Sadie went on about. They must have been something to write home about because I know she isn’t like you. She loves men.”

“You make it sound like I am a nun. I’ve gone on dates.”

“Two in four years is not putting yourself out there.”

Okay, she had me there.

Trevor

As I pull up to my parents’ house, I recognize the old mailbox beside the wooden sign that read “James’ Rehabilitation for Horses.” It reminded me of the life my parents wanted me to live and the life I ran from. The rustic sign looked freshly done, a symbolism of what they had achieved with the horses they had taken in. They returned them to a normal state of physical and mental health. The thought wasn’t lost on me that I would be one lucky man if the same could be done for my mental state. To delete my glimpses of the hurt and return me to a newer state void of heartbreak.

I drove my motorcycle slowly to avoid kicking up the dirt and covering my blue jeans and shoes with the brown rocky material. The half a mile of gravel driveway that ran along my parents’ house seemed to be longer than my drive from Arizona. The white fence surrounded the property lines, and I was glad to see that my father had kept them even through the expense. I knew they were hard to maintain, and he spent a lot of time doing that through my life.

I fight the urge to speed away in the other direction instead of facing it head-on, fearful of what I was in for.

I finally pull up to my parents’ house with an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had talked to my father very little since I left. I had come back for the holidays and here and there while I was in college, but … now, I was a doctor. I was exactly what my father didn’t want. He wanted me to live here and live as he had. But not with Leah. He didn’t want that.

I walk up to the door nervously, apprehensive of what I am going to see. I pull on the screen door, and my mother is standing right on the other side, taking me in for a long needed hug.

“Trevor, I’m so happy to see you.” She hugs me tight, and I could feel her body shaking.

I hug her tightly and don’t let go. It feels so good to hug the woman who has been on my side for all my life.

We finally pull from each other, but she takes my hand and doesn’t let go while leading me to the kitchen. “Let me pour you a cup of coffee while I finish frying up the bacon. Your father should be out here in a few minutes.”

I don’t say anything. I had actually hoped I would have some time with just my mother.

“He is moving a little slow this morning so that means I am running behind.”

“Mom, that’s okay. How is he?”

“As good as to be expected. He is hanging in there. Seeing you will buoy his spirits, though, whether he admits it or not.”

I nod my head slightly and don’t speak. She brings me my coffee and adds the cream and two scoops of sugar. The exact same way I have taken it since I was old enough to drink it, which was when my father made me get up at dawn and help around the stables. Shoveling horse shit and cleaning out any stalls that needed it. To say I got the hired hand work was an understatement.

“You look exhausted, dear.”

“Yeah … I don’t get much sleep. My shifts are complete crap at the hospital, but honestly, I don’t sleep much anyway. Maybe five hours a night? On a good night.”

“You, as a doctor, should know that isn’t good for you. You are going to age yourself.”

“Probably,” I agree and know she is right. I just don’t care. I live to work, and that was about it.

“Margaret.” I hear Dad calling for Mom.

“Coming, dear,” Mom responds with a bit of frustration.

“Do you want me to go help him?” I ask hesitating.

“No, Trev, but can you run out to the stables and make sure Jackie doesn’t need any more coffee? I always try to at least give her coffee and some food. She works for free around here.”

“Who is Jackie?”

“She helps with the horses right now. Hank has had to go into Austin more in the mornings and on the weekends, so Jackie has been coming over to help cover his work since your father …”

“Margaret!”

“I am coming!” She responds.

I shake my head with frustration and walk out to see if I can get Jackie anything.

I walk across the green lawn to the wooden stalls that have been there for as long as I can remember. I used to walk through there and stand in the middle looking at the horses with confusion. I never really connected with them. Why? Because when I was younger, it felt like my father loved them more than he loved me.

I round the corner of the stalls and hear two ladies’ voices arguing.

“For all that is holy, Ry, grab the bastard and don’t let him go. Show him he doesn’t have a choice.”

“Does it not look like I am trying?” The younger woman snaps back.

I stand watching an older lady taking hold of a stubborn old horse while the younger one watches in frustration.

“You don’t let him take control and lead you.  YOU are the boss. You take him, and you show him you are the boss.” This must be Jackie.

“Yes, ma’am,” the younger one responds deflated.

I watch the younger one start to talk to the horse trying to be stern.

“Ladies …”

They both turn to me and look frustrated that I interrupted.

“What do you need?” Jackie grumbles.

“My mother sent me out to see if you need anything.”

She huffs as if my statement was an unwelcome interruption.

“Yeah, for my niece to stop pussy footin’ around and show Henry here who is boss.”

“Enough, Jackie,” the younger one responds.

She smirks.

“Some coffee would be great,” she relents.

“You?” I ask the younger one.

“Trevor?” I hear her ask.
Good God.

“Do I know you?”

“Yeah … I met you at Smith’s. You were with Mr. Cocky.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Shit … Maxfield? I think his name was?”

“Maxwell. And he is Mr. Cocky?”

“He isn’t?” she asks, holding on to the horse’s reins.

I walk a little closer and see it is the woman from the bar last night. I didn’t recognize her since she had a baseball cap on that covered her face. Her eyes are determined and sparkling at the same time. And yes, I noticed how her tank top barely covered her breasts. Her legs are a dark tan as if she has worked her days in the summer heat. I follow her legs down to her boots that have seen better days.

“That’s a good one,” I respond. She could tell that just by that little bit of time that night? Of course, she could. She works at a bar. She probably sees all kinds of losers nightly.

“Could you take your rear into the house and get that coffee, son? I don’t have all day, and we have to get these horses out of here and to the far pasture so we can finish what we have to do before it gets too hot.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I respond, and the woman smiles; she’s embarrassed but apparently is used to Jackie’s brashness.

*****

I make it back out to the stables with coffee and a few bottles of water. It is already getting warm, and I wasn’t sure how Jackie could drink coffee while sweating. But … that is one question I’m not going to ask the mean grouch.

They are standing outside the stalls appearing to be waiting for me.

“What took you so long?” Jackie asks.

“Thank you,” says the younger woman after reaching for the bottled water and opening it to take a long gulp.

Damn. What in the hell was her name?

“You ready to get back to work, Ryann?” Jackie demands not really asking.

“Yep.”

They turn, walking away toward the stall they were in earlier to relocate the horses.

“Ryann?” I ask.

“Yeah?” Turning around not really too concerned about what I was going to ask her.

“I was just curious. If Maxwell was Mr. Cocky, what was I?”

“Mr. Intense.”

“Ah …” I respond. I would say she nailed it.

“See ya around,” she responds and walks away, leaving me to ponder for a second before I hear my mother calling me from the back door.

And yes, I watch her walk away … And for a split second, I think about how beautiful she is. But then I remind myself that I won’t ever let myself care for another being, no matter how pretty and kind she is.