BrokenHearted (14 page)

“Thanks for giving me a ride home.” I slam the door defeated. I am alone just as Mom said I would be. And most likely would continue to be for the rest of my pathetic life.

Fourteen

Ryann

I lay in bed on both of my days off rethinking what I had said to Trevor. I cried, I yelled, and I prayed. Not for me, though, for him.

My mother unexpectedly showed up to my trailer after leaving Jackie’s at one p.m.

“Ry, dear… why are you still in your night clothes?” she asks sitting beside me on my couch. I’m still holding my coffee that had been cold for longer than it had been hot.

“I just haven’t been feeling well … tired …”

“Because you work too much.” She did just as she did when I was younger and moved my hair over from my forehead to feel if I had a temperature.

“I’m not sick, Mother,” I remark with agitation.

She backed up, looking at me. “What can I do to help you then?” That was my mother—always extending the olive branch.

“Nothing … I just … I’m afraid I let myself love, and it got me nowhere but hurt again …”

I didn’t cry only because I had nothing left.

“ Trevor?”

“Yes. How did you know?”

“Jackie said y’all were flirting at the James’. I’m not blind, dear. I’ve seen how you look at him and he you.”

“Doesn’t matter anyway. It’s done.”

“Why are you so sure?”

“Because I told him I was done. And I am.”

“Then why are you here moping?” she asks, going in for the kill proving her point.

“Mom, what did you need? And why are you off today anyway?”

“I needed to see if you’d come by before work tonight. I need your help with something at the hotel.”

I had helped her arrange some things at the hotel a few times or get ideas on what could change. She was always trying to make things better.

“I'll even buy you dinner and then we can get to work afterward.”

“Okay.”

*****

Four hours later, I walk into The Regency dining room, and I see someone else sitting with her—a man—but I can’t see who it is. I suddenly become nervous and lost in wonderment as I observe her with this unknown person. I haven’t seen her with a man in a very long time. She seems to be smiling. Maybe she has found someone.

I walk to the table somewhat slower than I normally would, nervous to see the man’s face.

Lewis.

I smile. It is a familiar face, and a man I have come to know well. “Lewis? What are you doing here?”

Mom takes the lead, motioning me to join them. “Baby girl, sit down so we can have a little chat.”

I take my seat but become more anxious as the seconds pass.

“We need to talk to you,” she says, and her hands are almost in a slow shake.

“We? Since when are you and Lou a we? What am I missing?”

“Lewis is your father.”

I feel lightheaded; I was going to faint. This was too much. I have not seen my father other than an old picture that was faded from a distance. It was nothing like what I had remembered or imagined. We had zero resemblance.

“Ryann, please listen to our side,” Lewis interrupts.

“Please excuse me.” I stand up and haul ass to the bathroom. I had to get away from the table and away from my “Dad” and Mom. All these years … why now?

I sit in the bathroom, lightly patting my face and neck with a wet cloth trying to keep myself from fainting. I naturally was claustrophobic, but I don’t really get myself in situations to make me react. Today was the worst it has ever been.

After ten minutes, Mom comes in to look for me and convince me to return to the table.

“I really don’t want to deal with this today. Nothing has gone right these last two days, and I can’t handle all this.”

“Dear, don’t be so dramatic. You are a grown woman. We are telling you as a courtesy because we want you to know. Now, be an adult and come back to the table so we can talk this out and you can see our side.”

“Yes, Mom, just give me a minute, please.”

“Okay. One minute and I will be coming back to get you.”

The door shuts, and I knew I had to pull myself together. She was right. I was a grown woman, and this really wasn’t going to affect my life. Unless I let it.

***

“So you sat at the bar so much because you were trying to get to know me … you were …”

“Yes, as pathetic as it sounds. I didn’t want to come waltzing in and say hey, I’m your father. I’m well aware that I was a chicken shit and walked out. I was the epitome of bad fathers, and I can admit that. I can’t change that, but I can be here for you now. If not as your father, then as your friend. The old man at the bar who likes the person you have become.”

“How did you know where I was, what I was doing?”

“Your mother. She contacted me after you dropped out of college after that asshole you dated. She was afraid you weren’t going to heal and might need some help.”

“Really, I think I just needed to talk to you about our daughter,” Mom responds.

“But Lou, you were never there. Why now? Mom worked two jobs to support us. It was hard on her and on me.”

“Because I was an immature and selfish bastard. Tammy said if I couldn’t keep myself off the booze, then I wasn’t allowed in your life or hers. And she meant it. I tried to come back several times, and she said you were better off without a father than with an alcoholic one, and she was right.”

I am speechless. O’Doul’s is all he has ever ordered.

“I don’t know how to handle all this, take this all in. Mom, did Jackie know he was my father?”

“Yes, of course, Jackie knew.”

“That crazy lady is the one who tracked me down,” Lewis says.

“So you want to be here now?”  I ask Lewis.

“More than anything in the world.” His response with that sweet smile is one I had seen nightly since I had started to work at Smith’s.

“You were going to tell me … trying to tell me that one night, weren’t you?” I ask.

“Never could find the right words—”

And he was right. Were there ever the right words for this?

*****

I stayed awake all night thinking about my father. I blamed him all my childhood for abandoning me. He was still at fault, but it bothered me that she didn’t tell me the truth from the get-go. And furthermore, she knew who he was the entire time and didn’t tell me. There has to be something to say for that.

I drove over to Mom’s and planned to tell her off—the woman who I had hardly ever fought with, the woman who I thought raised me on her own because she didn’t have a choice.

I slid in the key that I had to her room and found her sitting on her bed. She was still in her nightgown, drinking a cup of coffee.

“Are you okay?” I ask, but I already know the answer. I can tell by her expression and her appearance.

“No. I am not okay, Ryann.”

I take a seat beside her and wait for her to vent. My anger becomes sorrow, but I could still feel the frustration for the answers I needed, that I deserved to know.

“Why are you here?” she asks, and it seems out of character. She has never asked why I came to her place.

I take a deep breath. “I am here because—”

“You want answers.” She finishes my sentence just as she has so many other times in my life.

“I wish I had them for you, but I don’t. I have regret, I have anger, and most of all, I have an emptiness in my chest. When I met with you and Lewis yesterday, I remembered why I loved him; how when we were young, we could have had it all … but I sent him away.”

I put my arm around her trying to soothe her without words.

“I have never loved another man like I loved him, but I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t have it around my daughter.”

“Maybe he would have changed? Did you give him a chance?”

“About a million.” She smirks.

“Then maybe you did the right thing? Maybe you did what you had to do? You sacrificed yourself for me.”

“Yes, and I would do it again in a heartbeat, but now … I just wish I would have done some things differently. You will find the older you get, that is just the way it is. And unfortunately, once that ship has sailed, there isn’t a cotton pickin’ thing you can do about it.”

“You could tell him you still love him,” I suggest.

“I have. And he still loves me. Said I am the only woman he has ever loved.”

“Then what is the problem?” I ask.

“I don’t know. If I did, I wouldn’t be here whining about it.”

“You know you used to always tell me to sleep on it, to think deeply before making that final decision, and then to put myself out there and believe with all my heart that I can achieve anything. And in most cases, I did.”

“Yes, you did, baby girl. Yes, you did.”

“So if you still love him, go for it.” I smile at her. The daughter comforting the mother, the shoes have reversed.

“Dear … now, what did you need? I could tell you were determined when you came in that door.”

“Yes … I actually was just frustrated—”

“About what?”

“I was upset because you didn’t tell me the truth. I had only seen one picture of Dad, and then yesterday, I find out the man sitting at the bar watching me all this time is my father. I was just … Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“You are acting normal. I didn’t plan this out; I did what I thought was right at the time. I was trying to protect you and keep you safe. And although I regret it now, I am glad that I did it because I love you. You didn’t need to know when you were younger what had happened. I did what I needed to do as your mother, and it wasn’t your concern … until now.”

“I love you, Mom.”

“And I love you.”

Ryann

After my late night call last night, Sadie knew I needed my best friend. She didn’t resist for a minute, and we made plans to meet at the coffee shop the following morning.

Sadie was already waiting for me at Starbucks on Sunday morning. I rarely come here since I feel it’s a waste of money, but she picked where we were meeting this time. She had a yoga class right next door this morning, so it was convenient. I wanted to fill her in on Lewis, a mystery finally solved.

“Hey, Ry … I already ordered you a caramel macchiato. Should be ready in a minute.”

“Thank you, sweetie!” I hug her, and we sit together on a two-person chair against the window.

“I just had the most amazing yoga class. I burned like a thousand calories. You have to try it with me soon.”

“Yoga is not for me, Sadie.”

“Okay, well … fill me in on what happened with your mother.”

“You are never going to believe this. Lewis is my father.”

“Excuse me? Lewis from Smith’s?”

“One and the same. Mom cut him out of our lives because he was an alcoholic.”

“I didn’t see that coming,” Sadie responds. “So how do you feel about it?”

“Not really sure … I know she had her reasons, but that doesn’t take away from the fact I didn’t have my father.”

“I get that. But just because he is a nice guy now doesn’t mean he would have been that way with you growing up.”

“True.”

I change the subject. “How are things with Maxwell?”

“Haven’t seen him. He is out of town but should be home tonight. I actually can’t wait to see him.”

“I thought I saw him the other night … must have been wrong. So it is serious?”

“Why does it have to have a label with you?” Our coffee was delivered, and I added a little cinnamon to mine to give it an extra kick. She had also ordered coffee cake. We both dug in, just as we did when we were younger and would eat an after-school treat from my mother.

“It doesn’t. I just like to know where I stand is all,” I respond defending myself. “Like with Trevor, I am standing right in front of him, and he can’t get over the past enough to see what we could have. It just sucks. I’m finally ready, and the guy I WAS falling for—”

I take a deep breath and finish. “You know as well as I do that I said I wouldn’t let another man in, but somehow, the love snuck in. It isn’t like what I had with Jake. I can’t figure it out; maybe it was from what he had been through in the past, maybe watching him with his family, maybe because we are both passionate people. Or maybe because I had started to fall for him even against every fiber of my being.”

“Yes, it does,” she agrees. “We all know he likes you; he just has a shitty way of showing it.”

Sadie makes a shocked face, and I follow her eyes glaring at something over my shoulder. I see exactly what she sees.

“Hi, Trevor,” she states, taking a sip of her drink cool as a cucumber.

Holy hell. Kill me the fuck right now. I got carried away talking about how I have been feeling and look where it got me.

“Hi, ladies. You enjoying your Sunday?” I haven’t seen him since the night at the Zac Brown Band concert when he told me we were two people just living in the same town. Is this how he acts with all his “friends”?

“Yes,” I answer, and Sadie nods.

“I’ll be right back; let me go order my coffee.” He assumes we want him to join us, which I don’t. Well, sort of …

“Okay.”

“Please tell me he was not standing there when I said what I said. Please GOD.” I put my head in my hands.

“I doubt he heard you. You had already stopped. I am almost positive.” And she ate the rest of the coffee cake not paying attention to my panic.

“I just got out of church and was stopping by for some coffee,” Trevor says while taking a seat.

“You go to church?” Sadie asks, winking at me.

“Of course,” he says. Something else to adds to his list of charm, but that isn’t important any longer.

“Shit … I didn’t realize how late it was. I had better get going,” Sadie says as if she isn’t being obvious. Lovely, thanks a lot.

If looks could kill, she would’ve dropped dead in a second flat from my glare. She waves as she walks out the door and looks back through the window at us. I would be calling her later to let her know how much I appreciated this.

“Fiber of your being, huh?” Trevor said.

Humiliating. Lovely.

He looks smug, and I need to put a stop to that. “You must have missed the beginning of that sentence. ‘Was’ was said, as in the past.”

“So you were falling for me?” he asks. I get the feeling he is enjoying this.

“Does it matter now?” I ask trying to play hardball.

“I think you’re beautiful.”

“Yeah, I am, aren’t I?” See what he does? I would never say this out loud. In fact, I have never thought I was beautiful, and even if I did, I would have NEVER said it out loud. Sadie, yes, but not me.

I smile, and he smiles back.

But Trevor today was playful, and I didn’t want to have the awkwardness if we were around our two friends again, so it was time to get over it. I wish he would apologize for being so hateful, but I guess I have to look past that.

“For the record, though, I do see you right in front of me. And yes, I wish that I would have met you before I was broken.”

I fight the temptation to roll my eyes. Give me a break. But I will give him points for sincerity.

“Can we just have a not-so-serious conversation right now?” I ask.

“Yes. What are you doing today?” he asks.

“Not a damn thing,” I respond.

“I’ve got to work in about two hours.” He looks down at his watch to look at the time.

“You work a lot.”

“Yeah, so do you.”

“I like to work. Keeps me busy.”

“Me too.”

“Trevor, for what it is worth, I see you too. And I think you are a pretty good man despite—”

He doesn’t say anything but just stares into my eyes and then he puts his hand over mine on the table softly.

“That is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me,” he says, and it totally catches me off guard.

“Seriously?” I ask.

“Yeah, seriously.”

“The night at the concert, I got carried away … And we are friends, right? I mean I want us to be.” I was taking the high road for the sake of my own selfish reasons.

“Friends, huh?” He grins, sipping his coffee.

“Do you not know the difference between friendship and caring for people and wanting to take them to bed?”

He smirks.

“Believe it or not … I can resist you. And honestly, you are not my type. You are conceited and frankly too domineering. You are always ‘poor me, poor me.’”

“I wasn’t asking your opinion.”

“Well, I’m giving it to you.”  I got right in his face, so close I could smell his coffee, to let him know how serious I was. In no way in hell was I backing down.

Trevor takes the back of my neck and pulls me to him, kissing me.

When he stopped and pulled back, I slowly looked at him and the people staring at us smiling.

“I can tell by your expression that you have absolutely no interest in a man like me.” He winks and takes another sip of his coffee. I could hear my heart beat pounding in my temples.

“Looks can be deceiving,” I mutter.

“Is that so? So if I leaned in and kissed you again, you would hesitate?”

For Pete’s sake. The hell I wouldn’t. I suddenly visualize him throwing me on the table, kissing my neck, and slowly going further down my body.

“Ry!” I hear him yell to wake me up from my daydream.

“What?” I answer.

“Yep. That’s what I thought.” He smiles.

“I’ll see you at the stables tomorrow around nine am.”

“What makes you think I will be at the stables tomorrow?”

“Because my mother called Jackie to make sure that she would have help out there. And you always help on days she comes to my parents’ house.”

“Huh?” Damn it, Jackie. Mouth of the South. Lord help me with that woman.

And he got up smiling from ear to ear. And yes, I watched every step he took out the door. It was the first time I had seen him in clothes other than blue jeans or scrubs. He cleans up nicely.

Here we go again.