BrokenHearted (9 page)

“That is nice to say, Trevor.”

“Seriously … I am sure he regrets whatever he did—”

“Too late.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“Why?”

“I’d like to get to know you … like I told you earlier. I don’t mean like childish kids … which clearly your ex was—”

“We were kids when we dated. I was in college.”

“Hmmm … I do want to know more about you. I just think we have some things we should clear up first.”

“Here?” I looked around as if I was shocked he was going to start a conversation so personal here. For Pete’s sake, Lewis was at the end of the bar leaning back so he could hear us. That old man acts as if he is watching TV but eavesdrops on all the conversations to be had.

“No, not here.” He smiled.

I give him a few beers to take to the group, and he delivers them, leaving me with my own thoughts.

Trevor … Trevor … Trevor … He has me mad, frustrated, lusting, crushing but then pissed again. I feel like a yo-yo.

*****

Trevor

I jump in the car to ride with Ryann to Dripping Springs instead of with Maxwell and Sadie. She drives a two-door Chevy Cavalier that has seen better days. The once black paint was faded and blotchy. It looked like she had been driving it since high school, but she seemed happy with it.  When I asked her, she said it got the job done, was paid off, and had never failed her; that was more than she could say for many things.

Maxwell plans for Sadie to give him head on the way to Ryann’s trailer. He’s always had a way of one, finding the girls who would do it, and two, getting what he wanted from those said girls. They were always willing to please him. I was just thankful he had enough courtesy to tell me so I wasn’t in the truck with them. It wouldn’t be the first time, unfortunately.

Everything about Ryann seemed to shock me, keeping me guessing on every detail of her life. I knew very little about her other than what my mom had said, and what I had seen firsthand. 

We start toward her house, and I am quietly sneaking peeks at her as she drives.

“You know, Trevor, I appreciate you doing what you did tonight, but you don’t have to come home with me. I am fine.”

“I know.”

“Then why are you doing this?”

“I want to go to your place,” I tell her.

“Bullshit.” She snorts.

“I just wanted to spend some time with you. Is that so wrong?”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Does there have to be a reason?” I ask.

“No, but you see me at the bar. I mean I’m not complaining. I—”

“Sounds like it,” I say frustrated.

“I just don’t want anyone to do anything out of obligation.”

“This is not out of obligation.”

“Okay.”

The strange thing is I don’t often start to feel things for people. For Ryann, I was … and tonight when I saw Jake, and then Sadie said who he was, I was frustrated and jealous. I didn’t want him around her because I didn’t know if he was still a threat. I hadn’t even told her I was interested, and I didn’t know if she was, but when I saw him talking to her, it bothered me. I had feelings for her even though I wasn’t ready to identify them yet. I don’t want a relationship per se, but I didn’t want some scumbag coming back from her past.

He clearly hurt her badly, and that pissed me off. She was too sweet, too true, and too beautiful to be treated badly. She had become my sunshine on my cloudy day even when I tried to keep her covered by my overcast.

After seeing him tonight, I was positive I had to at the very least tell her I liked her. Yes, I would make sure she knew that we would only be friends, but I had to attempt it, to be honest. She had to know I cared. After what happened since I’ve been back in Austin, regrets were something I was not going to let happen. I had committed enough for a lifetime.

Sitting in the car with her and listening to her hum along to the radio was peaceful, and I knew right then I needed to get to know her even more. She was a good person, and I only wished some of that would rub off on me. Maybe her wholeness would repair some of my pieces.

***

“This is your home?” I ask her and look in front of me like I am missing something.

“Yes.” She smiles ear to ear.

“You live in a trailer?”

“Got a problem with it?” she asks me, and I can see she is ready to debate about it.

“No. I just have never …” I say.

“Never what? Been in a mobile home?” she questions.

“Okay, you could say that,” I answer.

She laughs and gets out of her car slamming her door twice since it was resisting closure.

I follow Ryann to the front door of her home and look side to side taking in the surroundings.

Maxwell often talks about how Sadie likes to “stretch the truth,” but she most definitely was not exaggerating her description of Ry’s house. It is indeed a cracker box. The single-wide trailer has bricks laid all around it for a foundation feel, and it is painted a dark gray color. Every single detail looks like Ryann did it. She had several stick flamingos, and you couldn’t help but smile when you visualized them. Every detail was Ryann. It wasn’t trashy by definition, just not what I expected for her to live in. Cracker box, yes. She had flowers planted along the side of a walkway, lush green grass that looked better than many of the houses I have seen in high-end neighborhoods, and two wind chimes lightly dinging. I laughed when I got to her front door and saw her doormat. “If you have no wine, go away.” Only Ryann could get away with that.

She opens the door and lays her purse down on the designated table. The smell in her home was of a light floral with a touch of fresh fruit, making it sweet and inviting. Very feminine. “Y’all come on in.” She walks over to her fridge and takes out a few things placing them on her rustic kitchen table for display.

“You hungry?” She asks while we are studying her and the goods that look to die for.

“I just baked these earlier, and I thought we could finish them up so I can start on something new.”

Sadie questions. “Blueberry muffins, lemon bars, and banana nut bread?”

“Yep.” She smiles with pride.

“Are you still—” Sadie asks Ryann.

“We are not talking about this right now,” she mutters giving her a reprimanding look.

Maxwell speaks up. “Let’s talk …” he says, acting as if he was a part of this conversation.

Sadie starts in as we sit around the table without Ryann’s approval. “Her ex … the chump that was at Smith’s earlier. They met in college. He was a fucker on sooo many levels … but … he told her she was getting fat.”

Ryann rolls her eyes. “Okay, everyone knows now, thanks. So can we move on?”

I don’t say anything after I glance at Maxwell. We both know you never say that to a woman. Her ex sounds like a real asshole.

Ryann cuts the slices of dessert and serves it. She doesn’t say a word, watching as we take a bite.

“This is really good,” I say. And I mean it.

“Damn good,” Maxwell seconds.

“We need milk,” Sadie says, and she gets up to help herself.

Ryann gets up and goes to her living room to turn on the TV, herself not eating any of her desserts.

We all join her on the couch and chair watching TV. I secure my spot next to Ry. I put my arm around her, and it feels so natural. I was man enough to admit it was often the little things I missed so much. Yes, I missed the regular sex, but I also missed the everyday things. I kept looking over at her, watching her face and the way she blinked. Her eyelashes met her eyebrows like a cartoon character. No doubt about it, she was beautiful.

Maxwell stands up, interrupting my gawking to announce we would leave after he went to the restroom. I nod my head agreeing.

“Ryann, can you come out so we can talk for a minute before I leave?”

“Sure.”

*****

Ryann

“Come sit over here.” I lead Trevor to the bench I had strategically placed so I could see my favorite flowers. I was getting tired and trying to cover up my yawns. I loved having his arm around me on the couch, though, being in his nook. But when he asked if I could talk, I suddenly became wide awake.

“Thanks for coming home with me. It was really nice of you,” I tell him, and I mean it. It was really sweet. I’m not going to lie, though, I wished he was coming over to stay the night and not getting ready to leave. I like him here. I like Trevor James anywhere around me.

“You bet. Don’t mention it.”

“You like my home?”

He laughs. “It’s you.”

It is my turn to laugh. “I love it. It’s mine, so it means even more to me.”

“Good for you,” he responds.

“Thanks.”

“About earlier, what I told you at the bar. I do want to get to know you, Ryann. I just want to lay out some things first.”

“You mean rules?”

“Hell no, this isn’t Dating 101. And if it was … you wouldn’t want me setting the rules.”

“Whew.” I run my hand over my forehead.

“I like you, Ryann. I just don’t want you to think it will go any further than just really good friends. I really appreciate all you do to help my parents, and I think you are a nice person. I know this seems odd but just me letting you in as a friend is huge. You are a lot of things, Ryann—beautiful, sweet, caring …”

“Okay … that is …”

“I’m not proud of what I am … I just can’t love anyone, and I won’t hurt you. I’ve been hurt, and I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy.”

“So you are telling me this so if I start to have feelings for you, you can walk away with your conscience?”

“I am telling you this in as much as I am broken, Ryann. My heart is broken.”

“Give me a break, Trevor. I have heard some real good ones through the years but … saying you are broken?”

“I don’t act fucking broken, Ryann. I am broken.”

“That’s a shame,” I say.

“I mean it. I can’t love … It hurts too much … so I don’t.” He looks at me with such seriousness that I want to cry. I could feel the lumps in my throat forming, and I was speechless. I didn’t love the man, so it was hard for me to fathom, to grasp why I was so concerned.

I couldn’t think of a single word to say. He was confessing, being honest and truthful, and I had wished for the first time that a person wasn’t. Maybe honesty isn’t always the best policy. I didn’t love him now … I liked him … what I knew. But to say I couldn’t only made me want to. I don’t let anyone tell me what I can and can’t do.

I lean into him, putting my hands on his face, and bring him to me and kiss him. It wasn’t a passionate kiss or a kiss you could write home about, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel it in my toes. I pull back to see his reaction, and his eyes were still closed. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was trying to filter it all or if he wasn’t sure how to react.

“Sorry … I just … I needed to do that,” I tell him. Being beside him after this confession, I felt like I was sitting on a grade school bench. I wasn’t sure how my body was feeling, as if I had no control.

And then Trevor leaned in and kissed me. It was all Trevor. Maybe passion, maybe admiration, or maybe desire. I put my arms around his neck and held the position. It was a hungry kiss and the kind of kiss that you hope will lead to something more. I didn’t pull back, and neither did he, and the only thing you could hear were the crickets chirping in the country fields surrounding us.

When we both pulled back, I opened my eyes and saw Maxwell and Sadie standing there watching as if we were putting on a show for them.

“That was one hell of a kiss!” Sadie announced. “Maxwell, why you don’t kiss me like that?”

“Shut it, woman. You want me to show you a good kiss? Come here!” As he reached for her, she ran to the truck being playful. You could hear her shoes clicking on the rocks lining the walkway.

Trevor stands, and I follow. His back is to me, and I motion to Sadie yelling, “Are you going to say bye?”

She waves from the truck and blows me a kiss. She is in the passenger side of his truck, and Maxwell is standing beside the door.

I turn back to Trevor. “Well, you had better get going. Maybe sometime you can come out and watch the sunrise with me. It is a beautiful sight.”

“Yeah, I’d better. I see a beautiful sight right in front of me, though. Not sure that the sunrise can beat that,” Trevor responds and smiles genuinely. “See ya around?”

“I hope so,” I respond.

I watch as he gets into Maxwell’s truck and they drive away. I was beginning to miss him before he was out of my sight, miss someone I knew didn’t belong to me. And wouldn’t.

My heart has never been so heavy and light at the same time.

*****

Trevor

I slide into Max’s truck, still watching Ryann standing in her yard. My face hasn’t been in this position in a long time. I think it was a smile, but it was almost painful. Actually, that isn’t true. The last time I smiled like this was when I was in the presence of Ryann. She was the one who had put it there. I claimed I wanted nothing but friendship, but after tonight …