BrokenHearted (12 page)

Trevor

Against every sensible thought, I started going to my parents’ house on the days I knew Ryann would be there. Luckily, my mother always seemed to need something when she knew she would have company. Or maybe it was just pure coincidence.

Something about her spoke to me, yet I couldn’t put my thumb on it. Sometimes, I would get there just as they were finishing up, and sometimes, I would be leaving just when they were starting, depending on my shift. One thing for sure was if I could be in her presence on any particular day, I was a better man that day.

“You’re here again today? Not that I am complaining but …” Mom asks, and although she was asking the question, I knew she already knew the answer.

“I wanted to check on things around here. Dad and you … and the stables.”

“And Ryann Payne?”

“No,” I respond. This to the woman who knew when I was lying by a simple wrinkle on my face, even when I was trying to keep a straight, serious face.

“Son … you don’t have to admit it to me, but I would love to see you fall—”

“I’m not falling in anything. I just think she is a beautiful woman.”

“Oh yes, she is. And sweeter than any sugar. Good to the core. You know she comes to check on your father and me?”

“No, I didn’t know.”

“Yep. She is good as gold.”

“I had a pretty good feeling she was. She—”

“—has hair the color of sunshine and eyes the color of the sky. She is precious.”

I don’t respond.

“Trevor … have you dated anyone since Leah?”

“Mom, I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“I know you don’t like to talk about it, and that is why I have kept my mouth shut, but that’s not going to happen anymore.” She pauses. “Are you going to find someone to spend the rest of your life with or are you going to die a lonely old man?”

“Seriously, Mom? A little graphic, don’t you think?”

“You see people come in the hospital all the time who have no one—they have no loved ones, no one to call, no one to take care of them, no one. Do you want that?”

“No, I don’t.”

“So … you got dealt a bad hand early on. You got your heart broken, but you are older now, wiser, and I must say much better looking. And I would like nothing more than to see my son married to a woman I know will take care of him just as you will take care of her. And it’s obvious you like Ryann…”

“What’s not to like?”

“You know she had a rough go at life too?”

“Yes, I know some of it … not all.”

“I adore her. And Trevor … she likes you too.”

“I doubt that.  I have been a … someone I am not proud of a lot of the times I am around her.”

“So? Show her the side I know.”

“Well, I have several times but took things too far.”

My mom doesn’t respond to that but rather continues. I assume she knows what I meant by that.

“Trust me, son, you are going to look back one day when you are happily married and starting a family, and you aren’t going to remember anything but what you have with that woman. You aren’t going to remember what you had been through before. And if you do, you will see how insignificant it was.”

“I don’t agree.”

“I know you don’t. But can you at the very least lie to me and tell me you are going to try?”

“Sure, I’ll try.”

“Lying to your mama. Shame on you. But … joke’s on you because you never know when love is going to sneak in.”

And it already has. But I wasn’t sure I was going to do anything about it.

“And by the way … you know what is worse than loneliness?”

“What?”

“Regret.” She pauses. “Is it easier to be shattered, broken, and closed off than let someone in? And will you look back one day and realize that the person you didn’t let in was the life of your life and not the one that you thought had broken you heart?”

I’ll be damned if my mother isn’t usually right too. She walks off quietly.

I walk myself out to the fence line pretending to look at the fence. In reality, I was trying to get at some distance from Ryann. I prop my arms up and watch her every move. She was as graceful as she was skilled while tending to the horses.

I knew scanning the land that I’d have to be honest with myself for the first time in years. Did I want to take the risk and try to make her mine? Yes, I did.  But once I felt her in my arms, would I be able to resist loving her? No. And I knew I would want her even more than I do now.  It might be easier to be broken and closed off rather than trying. Chicken shit? Yes.

*****

I met Maxwell at his place for fight night, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I needed to talk about myself, and there was no one better to listen. He knew me in and out. He knew how I operated and what I needed to hear, although he didn’t always say it. But I didn’t either with him. That was a true fucking friendship. You said what they needed to hear whether they wanted to hear it or not.

We had a couple of beers, played some darts, and then killed a little more time before the fight. He had placed a few bets on the winners, but I was just along for the ride. A disadvantage of being a trauma physician is with every hit I saw, the blood and the bones moving, I knew what would heal the fighters, but I also knew when they weren’t going to recover. It never seemed worth it to me, but to most, it did.

“You and Sadie still hot and heavy?” I ask.

“She is crazy in the sack. I can’t get enough,” he responds.

“Usually, you start to lose interest, but it seems she is keeping you on your toes.”

“To say the least. What about you and Ryann?”

“I don’t know … I think she is beautiful.”

“She is.”

“I know she is a good person.”

“Okay … you aren’t hiring her to work for you, stupid ass. Are you going to make a move and actually follow through?”

“So hear me out. I have been thinking a lot on this … Do you think a person really does heal from heartbreak? Like do you think I am just living in the past, or do you think I am really fucked up?” Balls to the floor, I was going all in.

“Yes, people heal from heartbreak. Even when they don’t think they can, they do. Yes, you are living in the fucking past, and I have been drilling that into your hard ass head for years now. And no, I don’t think you are all fucked up. I think you need to let things go…”

“Easier said than done…” I respond.

“When I went to my friend at APD to find out what I could about Leah, I did it for me because I was curious as to what really happened. You didn’t know, but I knew that if your dad was trying to stop it, there had to be more going on. You weren’t thinking right, and all you could see was the hurt and the betrayal, but I saw more of the big picture.”

“So?” I respond.

“Anyway, when I went to find out what I could and did find out what I did, I wanted to do it to help you. I wanted you to be able to let this all go and move on. What I don’t understand is why you haven’t? I mean shit—”

“Just because I know the things she did now doesn’t mean I don’t still love her.”

“No … and I get that, but it should make you realize, maybe, just maybe, things weren’t as they seemed. She had … and … I just think you are making her into something she wasn’t, and that is making it harder to get over her.”

“I have thought about it, and although I can’t take back the years I was away, the years I have hurt, the anger is starting to override it all. I still think she may have taken my ability away to love. I know that sounds like a total pussy thing to say, but that is how I feel.”

“How about you get Ryann in bed and then reevaluate?”

“Do you ever think about anything else but your dick?” I ask, knowing the answer.

“No. And it wouldn’t kill you to use a little less of your brain, Dr. James, and a little more of the dick.”

“I’ll give that some thought,” I smart back.

“See, that is where you are fucking up. You are thinking too much.”

“And you think too little, my friend.”

“Yeah, like my mother used to say. Shit in one hand and hope in the other. See which fills up quicker.”

“I don’t shit in my hand …”

“Of course, you don’t, Dr. James. That would be unsanitary.”

Trevor

I woke up this morning determined to clear the air with my father. No matter how hard I had tried to run from it, it was time.

We were finally going to have the conversation we should have had years ago. Things needed to be said, and I knew that time was running out. His time was short, and I couldn’t handle him not knowing how I felt. I’ve always considered myself a man with little fear, but I feared this deeply.

I drank a couple of cups of coffee with Mom in the kitchen and then went to sit with him in the room.

“Hi, son.” His shaky voice spoke volumes in the way he was feeling.

“Dad.”

“You think you might want to move out to the porch for a while for some fresh air?” I ask hoping he would oblige. It was hard to see him sitting up in bed trying to pretend he was feeling better than he was. One thing my father wasn’t was a wimp. He could take any amount of pain, and that concerned me more than I had shown. He is a tough bastard, for sure.

He nods, and I help him to the porch and sit him in the rocking chair with floral printed cushions my mother must have made. It was totally her style.

“You okay?” I ask the stupid question, knowing he isn’t.

“As good as can be. Stopping worrying about me.”

“I—”

He didn’t say anything but just turned his head toward me.

“I wanted to thank you for everything you did for me. I haven’t been the best son, and I wish I could turn back time.”

“Is this a goodbye, good riddance talk? Because frankly, son, I’m not throwing in the towel. I’m a tough ole bird.”

“Yes, I know you are. And I am not saying anything like that. I just want to clear the air.”

“For you or for me?” he asks. I didn’t know what answer would be the right one, so I was honest.

“For me and for you.”

“Then let’s talk. This is long overdue, wouldn’t you say?” He grins weakly.

Mom brings out iced tea and cookies then leaves as if she didn’t want to be in the line of crossfire.

“That damn woman thinks homemade cookies and sweet tea can take the edge off anything.”

We both chuckle.

“I wish I would’ve known you were so sick.”

“Why? I wanted you home before you left. That is just how it is. I knew I had to let you go, just as your mother did. Although I’ll admit your stubbornness was hard on both of us.”

“I learn from the best, wouldn’t you say?”

“Yep.”

I take a deep breath and jump right in. No going back. “About Leah.”

He sits back in his chair and stops rocking as if the wind had been sucked out of him.

“What do you want to know?”

“I know you knew she was trying to trap me. I know you knew she wasn’t pregnant. But I didn’t know you knew she was with another guy already. That she was using me.”

“I didn’t know she was with another guy until—”

“Until the wreck,” I finish. “You knew all of it yet—”

“I couldn’t break your heart even more. I knew she was up to no good, and I told you that. Hell, we fought over that more than I have ever fought over anything in my entire life. I wanted to protect you. I didn’t want you to marry for any reason other than love like your mother and I had.”

“But I did love her.”

“But she didn’t love you, son.”

“So all this time, I had to be away. I went to college, came home for the holidays, and not once did we have this conversation. To put things to rest.”

“You weren’t ready, Trevor.”

“I am just so mad at myself, at us, for letting it go so far.”

“Trevor, when did you find out that she wasn’t pregnant?”

“I had Maxwell do some snooping. All this time, I have been mourning her and our child, angry with you for keeping us apart, and then I find out the things I should have known all along. That she wasn’t pregnant, and if she was, there was a good chance it wasn’t even mine. She was with another man in the wreck, and they were leaving town.  Leaving me.”

“I don’t speak ill of the dead, but she was a horrible human being. She saw an opportunity, and she was going to take it no matter what it cost you. For God’s sake, son, you were going to give up your life.”

“Yes and I would have gladly for her. I thought I loved her.”

“You did, son, just not as strongly as you thought. Life has a way of doing that for you. God does that on purpose. Not usually to the extremes that you went through, but he gives you something to think you love so when the real thing comes along, you recognize it. It can’t be imitated.”

“She broke me.”

“No, she didn’t.” He leans up to touch my shoulder.

I take a deep breath, letting his words reach me.

“I love you, Dad. I am so sorry.”

I look back at him so he could see I meant it. He always said if a man couldn’t make eye contact, he was full of shit. Eye contact and a handshake.

I was tearing up looking at my father, who was ill and wouldn’t be here on earth much longer, and I had spent years mad, wasting the time I could have had with him and my mother.

His eyes filled with tears, and I thought I saw a tear fall down his cheek.

“No reason to be sorry. One day, you will have a child, and you will do everything for that child, just as I did for you. I just didn’t do it the right way. I thought by telling you what I knew you would come to your senses and see I was just trying to protect you. Instead—”

“I was a childish shit.”

And we laugh.

“Yes, that stage of your life lasted much longer than it should have.”

“Listen,” he says, and I do as if it were the last words I would ever hear from him.

“All is forgiven. I do need your word on something, though.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I need you to promise me you will take care of the love of my life when I move on.”

“Dad—”

“I’m not a fool, son. I know that my time is coming. I know more than you think I know.”

”I don’t doubt that,” I answer.

I try to crack a joke to get him out of his state of mind.

“I thought you were going to say to take care of those damn horses.” I laugh.

“That too. I know you thought that those horses meant more to me than you did, didn’t you?”

I don’t answer him. I wasn’t going to insult him or admit of my silliness.

“I loved those horses because they needed the love. Most of them were beat, starved, deprived, and frightened. I worked with them, and they trusted me just like you do with people. They need you just as those horses needed me. And like you do with people, I get great satisfaction from healing them.”

I got the message loud and clear.

He struggles to stand up, and I rush to his side to help him for fear of a fall from his weakness.

“There will never be another person who will love you as much as your mother and I do.”

“And I you and Mom.” I smile, trying to hold back my tears.

“See, I told you that you weren’t broken. If you were broken, you couldn’t love at all. But you have to want to be loved.”

Yep, that was my father. Always getting in the last word even when barely able to walk.