Bunches (15 page)

I shake my head and follow her up
the stairs. From outside the door of Lizzy’s apartment I can smell food; Aimee
must be home, I realize. I can visit for a little while, but then I need to
head home soon to check on Snick. He’s gotten out already this summer and I’ve
had to scour the neighborhood to find the little rascal.

“Hey,” says Lizzy after unlocking
the door. I follow her inside. Aimee is sitting at the kitchen table, munching
on pizza.

“Hey,” she says, grinning. “How
was the concert? Does that count as something you can check off the bucket
list?”

“Oh, yes,” says Lizzy. “And Nora
went on a date, so that’s two things.”

“I did not,” I protest, holding
up my hands in defense against the idea. “Definitely not. No way. I’m not that
kind of girl.”

“What kind of girl is that?”
Lizzy asks, grabbing a slice of pizza.

“The kind of girl who goes on a
date with someone else’s boyfriend,” I say, sitting down.

“Want tea?” Aimee offers. There’s
a pot in the middle of the table, and I pour myself some. I find the swirling
of sugar into the hot water relaxing.

“I don’t see why you’re pushing
this,” I say quietly to Lizzy. “You act like he’s single.”

“He’s obviously into you,” says
Lizzy stubbornly. “Like, he just looks at you with these pretty puppy dog eyes,
like he can’t wait to see what you’re going to say and do next and he’ll do
anything you ask. It’s all kinds of adorable.”

I feel panic washing over me at
the very thought of JJ and me . . . as anything.

“You’re just using the fact that
he has a girlfriend as an excuse not to get close to him. Did you ever think
about that?” Lizzy demands. “I mean, seriously. If you like him and he likes
you. . . .”

I push my chair back blindly.
Maybe she’s right, a little bit. Maybe, but I’m not sure I’m ready for anything
with anyone else. I thought for years that I never would be, that Michael was
it, but since I met JJ, yes, Lizzy’s right and I’m not so sure about that any
more.

I’m starting to panic.

“Lizzy,” I say warningly, staring
at the table. “Just stop. Unless JJ and Jessie break up, nothing is going to
change.”

Frustrated, Lizzy tosses her
pizza down. “Whatever,” she says. “You like him and you just won’t admit it.”

I sit in silence for a long time.
There’s really nothing else to say. JJ stirs any number of emotions I’ve had
buried deep inside me. He makes me remember that night, for one thing, but that
isn’t the first thing I think of when I think of him. Luckily, I saw him, and
he was nice to me, and we didn’t even know about our connection at that point.

Finally, I just leave. Lizzy calls
out after me, but I ignore her. We’re both right. She’s right that I need to
move past Michael, at least stop using him as an excuse. And I’m right that JJ
isn’t the answer. He has a girlfriend.

I walk home slowly, taking deep
breaths and trying to calm the riot in my mind. Once I’m home I say hi to my
cat, brush my teeth, and climb into bed. But it’s a long time before I can fall
asleep. I just pull the covers up to my chin and wait.

I need to break up with Jessie.
That much is clear. She apparently heard from someone at the concert that I was
there with a few friends, some of whom were female, and she had a fit.

But that isn’t even the reason I
need to break up with her.

The real reason is that I don’t
think about her anymore. I don’t get a tightness in my chest and my dick
doesn’t get hard. I don’t look forward to seeing her, it feels more like a
chore. Now whenever I work at the Remember, I hope Nora comes in.

I worry when I’m not with her
that she’s not okay, and I think about ways to cheer her up and bring her out
of her shell. I know it’s a tricky situation, because I don’t ever want her to
forget about Michael, but I do want her to be happy.

It’s been over a week and she and
her friends haven’t come into the Remember. We’ve texted a few jokes back and
forth, but nothing more. We don’t talk about plans.

They also haven’t come into the
coffee shop, and I haven’t seen them anywhere else.  I’ve chatted with Noah a
couple of times and he tells me with a knowing look that Nora is fine.

Sylvan, at least, claims to have
seen Lizzy, so I know nothing bad has happened, but I’m having a hard time
standing it. I miss Nora. I miss the way she makes me feel and I miss hearing
her unintentional jokes that just so happen to be adorable, and I miss knowing
how her day has gone and I miss knowing what she’s going to do tomorrow.

“Man, you can’t act like this,”
is what Noah tells me, shaking his head.

“Act like what?” I ask, shocked.
“What did I do?”

“You have a girlfriend,” says
Noah, his voice filled with exasperation. “You can’t do this to Nora.” After he
says that I walk home in a daze, mostly because my heart knows he’s right.

Which is why I have to break it
off with Jessie. Even if Nora doesn’t want anything from me, and Noah’s words
are the first hint that I might have hope there, what I’m feeling is a betrayal
of my girlfriend, and she deserves better.

My phone buzzes. For a split
second I hope it’s Nora, but it isn’t. It’s Jessie. She wants to talk. I sigh.
Maybe she’s feeling the same things that I am.

She’s outside and she wants to
come up. I sigh and check for Anabella. Since my cat doesn’t like my
girlfriend, I usually hope she’s sleeping when Jessie comes over, but no,
Anabella is curled up in the living room. I go down and let Jessie in. She
looks about as happy as I feel.

I feel the tension in my
shoulders and the tightness of my mouth and try to relax. I don’t want to hurt
her, but I know this is the right thing to do.

“So,” says Jessie, when she comes
into my living room, crossing her arms over her chest and ignoring the cat.
She’s wearing a dark green blouse and jeans, with flats. She looks cool and put
together. She really is beautiful. “You went to a concert?”

I sigh. This is going to be
harder than I thought. “I don’t want to fight, Jess.”

“What am I supposed to think?”
she asks. I motion for her to sit down and her eyes go wide. She isn’t stupid,
far from it. She can see in my body language what’s coming.

It’s going to be a long night.

After Jessie leaves I trudge to
the diner, where Sylvan and Ben are meeting me. I’ve sent Nora several texts,
but she hasn’t responded to any of them. I worry that I’ve already hurt her,
but I have to see her. I need to hear her voice, if only to know that she’s
okay and she doesn’t hate me.

“Hey,” I say, sitting down
heavily in the chair across from Sylvan. My old friend gives me a nod as Ben
takes another big bite of sandwich.

“You look like hell,” says Ben
after he swallows. “Katie would say you should go find Jessie and spend some alone
time.”

“That would be awkward,” I say
after ordering a sandwich, “since we just broke up.”

I proceed to tell my friends what
happened. Sylvan especially is curious, and I want to ask him why, but I don’t
get the chance. Guys aren’t like girls. We don’t like rehashing events over and
over, so once I’ve gotten the details out I sit back and listen to Ben talk
about how he and Katie are getting ready to move. At one point he gives me an
apologetic look, like he knows it must be hard to listen to this with my
relationship just having crumbled around me. I shrug. Life. It’s been worse.

Right before we’re about to
finish, my phone buzzes. Knowing that it can’t be Jessie, I allow myself a
moment of hope. When I see Nora’s name pop up on the screen I give a sigh of
relief. I asked her in one of my many texts if she’d go for a walk with me
tonight, and she’s texting to say yes. It’s short, but I don’t care. I excuse
myself from the guys and virtually race to her apartment. She’s already waiting
for me outside, and just seeing her calms my racing heart.

“Hey,” I say, coming up to her.
She gives me a soft look and I nearly melt. Almost unable to contain myself, I
fall into step by her side.

She turns to face me. The street
light streams over her face and hair, making it shine even in the dark, like my
very own beacon of light.

There’s a frown line between her
eyes and I want to kiss it away, but I content myself with just being near her.

I’m avoiding JJ. I call Ellis
again and he reminds me that I’m a twenty-one-year-old young woman and I’m
allowed to find a man attractive.

“Stop whining,” he orders me over
the phone. “Most girls would kill to have a bartender always give them free
drinks.”

“I’m not most girls,” I mumble.

“No kidding,” he says.

But I can’t stay away. After
taking a week to think about it, I reach a conclusion and there is only one
thing to do.

“JJ,” I say, as he walks up. He
looks happy.

“How are you?” he asks as we
start walking. “I haven’t seen you and I was starting to worry.”

“You think you should see me
every week?” I ask.

He pauses. “I was just worried
about you.”

“Well,” I say, feeling bolder.
“You don’t need to be. In fact, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Okay,” says JJ, shifting from
foot to foot.

“I think we should be friends,” I
say in a rush, because I need to get it all out. “I mean, I know we’re friends,
but we can’t keep hanging out alone. Only in groups. I mean, I think that would
be best. I don’t really know what’s definitely best, but I think that’s best. I
mean. . . .”

JJ steps forward and puts his
hands on my shoulders. I shut up instantly at his touch and his nearness. He
smells a little like aftershave and coffee and I inhale. My eyelids flutter. I
don’t dare look at him.

“Nora,” he murmurs. “Breathe.”

I flush and nod, still staring at
my shoes.

“I wanted to see you tonight to
make sure you were okay. I miss you, and I wanted to tell you in person that
Jessie and I broke up.”

I can’t help it. My head snaps up
and I stare at him with wide eyes.

“Huh?” I say.

He grins. “I was hoping for that
reaction. Jessie and I broke up.”

“You were?” I’m literally
dumbfounded.

“Yes,” he says. “We were together
for a while and I care about her, but I don’t love her, and the feelings I have
for someone else just aren’t fair to her.” He searches my face, looking for
something.

My heart is racing, and I
remember that I didn’t brush my teeth before I came out to meet him. Is that
what girls think about at times like this? Why don’t I know what girls think
about?

I had no idea he was going to
stand so close to me. What if he smells my bad breath and doesn’t want anything
to do with me after this? He and Jessie broke up. I feel dazed. I take another
breathe and start to shrug, but that only serves to press the pads of his hands
more firmly into my shoulders. I stop moving.
Breathe
.

“I care about someone else,” he
continues softly, never breaking eye contact. His gray eyes look like soft
brushstrokes on a white canvas. “I want to be respectful of Jessie and of the
person I care about and not rush anything, but I wanted you to know,” he says.
“I’m going to be busy and traveling a lot over the next couple of weeks, but
when I get back maybe we could have dinner?” He says all of it as if it’s a
perfectly normal thing to say to me, but all I can do is nod. He takes that as
enough of an agreement and breathes a sigh of relief.

“Good,” he says, smiling now.
“I’ll walk you back to your door.”

We turn around and walk to my
door. He’s isn’t touching me anymore, but I’ve never been so aware of anyone’s
physical presence in my life. He’s my only focus. Every movement of his body
makes me react, and I wonder if he’s going to touch me again.

We stop outside my door. Still in
a daze, I notice after a moment that he isn’t next to me. I keep walking for a
few steps, but then, confused, I turn around. He’s standing there watching me.

“I want you to know,” he says,
taking a step closer, “I’m not going anywhere. You can’t push me away. I won’t
go. I saw your face when you came out tonight, and I know you were about to
tell me to shove off. That’s understandable, because I had a girlfriend and
it’s not fair to anyone that way, but I don’t anymore. Jessie and I are done
and we aren’t getting back together. I hope you can trust that, and maybe
eventually trust me.”

He places his hands on my cheeks.
I feel their warmth and close my eyes. His touch is so soft I want to weep.

“I shouldn’t be doing this,” he
murmurs, his voice filled with heat. I shiver happily and open my eyes to meet
his.

“Doing what?” I ask, breathless.
My knees are shaking and my whole body is screaming for something, but I don’t
know what. My hands dangle uselessly at my sides and I’m afraid to breathe in
case it wakes me up.

I walk into my apartment in a
daze and stare at Snick. My cat is glaring at me because I’ve interrupted his
nap. I murmur an apology and sit on the couch, staring at nothing. I can feel
my lips stretched into a small smile, but inside my body there’s a jumble of
confused emotions.

JJ Curtis, bartender, bar owner,
old savior, newly single, the only man since Michael to set my heart racing,
just kissed me . . . and then I ran away, like a five year old. But I’m not
five. I’m twenty-one.

When I saw JJ coming toward me a
little while ago, before he kissed me, I turned my phone to silent. But now I
have to talk to Lizzy, so I click my phone on, about to call her and wake her
up, and see that I have a missed call and a voicemail.

My life has now splintered again.
Once was when Michael died: there was before I lost Michael, and there was my
life after I lost Michael. Now, irrevocably, I’m sure it has splintered yet
again: my life before JJ Curtis kissed me and my life after. I wonder why I
feel the need to use his last name now that our lips have touched. You would
think my lips, my mind, could feel and think more personal things about the man
who held my face in his warm hands.

I spend the day pacing back and
forth, watching the clock. I can’t even bake. I ignore texts from my friends.
Noah wants me to come by the coffee shop; apparently JJ has been there asking
about me.

I’m in my room, curled up on my
bed with Snick, when I hear a sharp rapping on my apartment door that makes me
jump.

It must be my unlucky weekend
that this is the first time Nancy is actually here. Nancy lets in whoever is at
the door and I groan, afraid that it’s JJ.

But it isn’t.

Lizzy comes barging into my room.
She’s wearing jogging clothes, so she must have run here. Her hair is in a
messy ponytail and she looks mad.

“Did you break your phone or
something?” she demands, bracing her hands on her hips.

I glance up at her and roll my
eyes.

“No,” I say. “I just didn’t feel
like seeing anyone. Thanks for respecting that.”

“I didn’t know you didn’t want to
see anyone,” she snaps. “For me to know that you would have to have
communicated with me, and you haven’t. I’ve been worried sick.”

“Sorry,” I mutter into the
pillow.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” her voice
noticeably softens. “You look like shit.”

I groan. “Thanks.”

“You know what I mean,” she says.
I hear footsteps and then the bed sags next to me.

Gently she rests a hand on my
shoulder. “Are you upset about Michael?” she murmurs. She knows exactly when
the anniversary is.

“No,” I say. “I have that penned
in for next week.”

“Come on,” groans Lizzy. “Tell me
everything.”

So I tell her. I spare no detail.
I tell her how I was trying to keep distance between JJ and me, because I don’t
understand the feelings I have for him, and how I was about to explain all of
that to him when he told me he and Jessie had broken up, and then he kissed me.
Then I tell her how I, in my infinite maturity, ran away.

Lizzy whistles softly.

“He kissed you? No WAY,” she
breathes. I can tell from the tremble in her voice that she’s desperately
trying to control her emotions.

“You know that if he hadn’t just
broken up with his girlfriend, and if you didn’t have Michael in your past, I’d
be doing a happy dance right now?”

“Yeah, I’m aware of that,” I say.
“But the fact of the matter is that I’m too screwed up and he might just be too
screwed up. I mean, when is a recent ex-girlfriend supposed to be the least of
a new couples problems?”

“Oh, couple, is it?” Lizzy bursts
out.

I glare up at her. “You know what
I mean. I’m not capable of a relationship. We know this. It was Michael or
nothing.”

“It’s not fair that your life
ended when you were sixteen,” says Lizzy stubbornly. “You can’t live like
that.”

I sit up, dislodging my cat.
“That’s the whole point!” I cry. “I don’t deserve to live, do I?”

“Stop it,” Lizzy scolds. “Of
course you do. But if you need some time, you deserve it.”

“I definitely need time,” I say.
“Lots.”

“No,” says Lizzy. “Not that much.
JJ isn’t going to wait around forever.”

“He said he would,” I say,
thinking back to the night before and shivering with heat. Lizzy notices and
quirks an eyebrows at me, giving me a knowing smile.

“Yeah, well, guys like sex too
much to wait forever. Trust me on that,” she says.

“You’ve always had Steven, so
what would you know about what other guys need?” I demand.

Lizzy fluffs her hair. “Oh, well
Steven. . . .”

“Isn’t he supposed to come for
Michael’s anniversary?” I ask.

“Yeah,” she says. “He said he
bought his train ticket today, so he should be coming.”

“Great,” I mutter. “Under no
circumstances are we going to the Remember.”

“Are you going to tell JJ that
you need space?” Lizzy asks.

“I think I just need to get
through Michael’s anniversary,” I say. “And that will give him a little time to
think about Jessie. It wouldn’t surprise me if he went back to her.”

“HA,” says Lizzy. “He never liked
her. I saw them together and he didn’t look happy. He looked like he was
pretending.”

“Pretending?”

“Yeah. He looked natural with you
from the first moment. It looked like he was trying to fake that with her. Besides,
you’re supposed to go on a date this summer.”

Heat fills my face and I’m
overcome with a desperate need to see JJ and have him wrap his strong arms
around me, and to have those hands that I so love to watch moving up and down
my body. . . .

Lizzy snaps her fingers in front
of my face. “Earth to Nora, come back, Nora. Are you going to be able to
contain yourself for the next two weeks?” She’s laughing as she says it, but I
still give her a playful shove.

“Shut up,” I say, blushing more.
“Of course.”

“I know,” she says, giving me
another comforting pat. “But you gotta do this, and JJ, he knows your past, he
knows his own troubles. He’s a good one to do it with.”

“I just don’t want Michael to
think I didn’t love him,” I say, feeling tears prick my eyes. Snick, sensing my
pain, starts to wash my hand, which only serves to make the tears spill out of
my eyes.

“Oh, sweetie,” says Lizzy, and
she leans over and wraps her arms around my shoulders. I don’t know how long
she comforts me while I cry. It’s been so long since it happened that sometimes
it feels crazy that I still cry, but I do. Since I saw JJ, all of these new
emotions, emotions I didn’t think I could have anymore, have coursed through
me. Part of me wants to stop them and part of me desperately wants them to keep
going.

I take a deep breath and sit up.
Snick makes an annoyed sound and jumps off the bed. I stare sadly after my cat,
his tail high in the air as he walks out of my bedroom.

“I think you should try to have
something with JJ,” says Lizzy. “Maybe even before Michael’s anniversary.”

“Yeah, great, sorry the first two
weeks we were dating you had just broken up with your ex and I was a crying
mess,” I say, giving a gurgly laugh. “That’s a real great start to a
relationship.”

“At least you’re saying things
like relationship,” says Lizzy, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes.

“I know. I need to try to have
something with him. If I ever want to have a life again . . . it’s time.
Michael wouldn’t want me to be like this, even if his mom does blame me. He
always wanted me to be happy. We even talk once about what we’d do if anything
happened to one of us, and he made me promise I’d try to be happy regardless.”

Lizzy nods sympathetically, but
there’s really nothing else for her to say.