By Force of Instinct (39 page)

He responded as she hoped to her boldness and teasing; with a wicked smile, he reversed their positions before she could protest. Punctuating his words with kisses, he said, “It tells me many things, my heart—it tells me that you are as generous as you are lovely, that you know how passionately I adore you, and,” he added significantly, “that you
are
my wife, even if I cannot persuade you to run off to London with me.” He kissed 236

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her deeply, and then, abruptly serious, held her face between his hands and looked into her lovely eyes. “There is very little in life which frightens me, elizabeth; but the possibility that I might somehow lose you—or lose your affection—is one that terrifies me.”

“oh, my love, you cannot lose me so easily!” she whispered, touched by his admission. In truth, she wanted nothing more than to be with him, and found the idea of running off with him all too appealing; yet she knew that an inability to tolerate being apart was the wrong reason to do so. she was forced to admit to herself that part of wanting to be with him always was her own fear, a fear born of a love so deep as to carry the power of hurting her just as deeply, and her own need for a constant reassurance within it. It was acutely difficult to trust, not so much
him
as the world itself, for if anything were to happen to him she did not know how she would bear it.

How intimately love is bound to pain,
she thought,
that this same love which
brings such happiness when we are together carries also the ache of absence and
the fear of loss!
It was a conundrum without a solution.

Darcy was idly drawing lines with his finger down her body. “It is going to become more difficult for us to have time alone,” he said, “since Georgiana arrives tomorrow. I will attempt to find some way for us to spend some time together, but much will depend on how she is taking this, and that I cannot predict.” He gave her a sidelong look, then added, “of course, we could always return here.”

elizabeth laughed. “And when do you propose that we sleep, my love?

you would not wish for a bride with dark circles under her eyes, I daresay.”

He kissed her slowly and tantalizingly. “If it meant you were spending your nights with me, I could tolerate a great deal,” he said with a smile.

elizabeth could not help but be amused at how quickly he could melt her resistance.
What do you expect,
she asked herself,
when he is only suggesting
those things that you yourself want as wel ?
“Well, perhaps not
every
night,”

she said with a smile.

“you drive a hard bargain, madam,” he said. He began pressing light kisses on neck, choosing all those places in which she was most sensitive to his persuasion, and working his way gradually downwards. “I hope you understand, then, that I will not be inclined to let you go quickly.”

she gasped as his lips reached her breast. “no,” she said, “do not let me go.”

237

Abigail Reynolds

elizabeth was already missing Darcy when she finally returned to Longbourn. It still lacked some hours before dawn, and longer yet until the household would arise, so she had no concerns as she entered into the house as silently as she could. she was therefore quite startled, and indeed took a step backwards, her hand over her heart, when her father appeared at the door of his library in his nightshirt and robe, a candle in his hand.

His mouth twisted with irony. “Did you have a nice walk, Lizzy?” he asked.

caught unawares, the only thought she had was that she wished she had agreed to go off to London with Darcy. recovering herself, she said, “yes, I did; the night air was very refreshing.”

“refreshing, is it?” said her father cynically. “And how is Mr. Darcy?”

she would not give him the satisfaction of a confession. “When last I saw him, he was quite well. Good night, sir.” she walked toward the stairs.

“elizabeth!” he called after her. When she turned to look at him, he said,

“There will be no more night-time walks.”

Had it not been for the mocking tone of his voice, she would likely have accepted the restriction without argument as well within his rights. As it was, all her feelings of injury and offence came to the fore with a sudden anger, and she said defiantly, “Perhaps a trip to London would be preferable.” she ran up the stairs, failing to see the look of pain on his face.

Mr. Bennet looked after her for a minute, then slowly turned and went back into his library.

elizabeth would have liked to sleep in the following morning, but knew that her absence from the breakfast table would only be subject for further comments from her father, so she rose only a little later than her usual, and was downstairs on time. she had no intention of acting on her threat of the previous night, knowing that it would only hurt Jane and her mother, who were quite innocent in this regard. Mr. Bennet mercifully spared her from any further barbs, for which elizabeth was grateful. she had enough to consider in the fact that Miss Darcy was due to arrive at netherfield that morning, and she had not yet decided how to approach her after their last meeting when Georgiana had spread her disturbing information.

By the time she went to netherfield to greet her that afternoon, she was no more resolved than to watch how Georgiana responded and decide how 238

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to behave from there. When she arrived, elizabeth shared a look of longing with Darcy, and then greeted Georgiana equably, asking after her journey.

The girl seemed even more withdrawn than she had when elizabeth had first met her at rosings, barely even looking up when elizabeth spoke to her and replying in a voice just above a whisper. Questions about her stay at Derby and her music received monosyllabic answers.

elizabeth looked over at Darcy with a question in her eyes, and he shrugged slightly, as if baffled by his sister’s behaviour. It was evident to her that he was unhappy about the situation, but she felt at a loss to understand the circumstances and wished she could speak with him alone even for a few minutes. In order to disguise the uncomfortable silence, she initiated a conversation with him regarding the arrival of other guests for the wedding. He answered stiffly at first—
I shall have to remember that they
can make one another more reserved!
thought elizabeth—but at length he became easier, and more the man she had grown to know.

The discussion turned to Pemberley, and elizabeth expressed her eagerness to see it at last. “or at least I am eager to be shown it,” she said with rueful amusement. “I am quite intimidated by the idea of the house itself—

I fear from all I have heard that I shall become hopelessly lost in it, and you will have to bring in the hunting dogs to find me!”

The corners of Darcy’s mouth turned up. “The hounds may be so delighted to have the run of the house that they will take a goodly while to find you,” he teased. “I will have to have a map made and provide you with a compass, just in case.”

elizabeth laughed. “I will depend upon it!” she glanced at Georgiana to include her in the jest and, to her dismay, discovered that she was in tears.

Darcy, feeling the contentment of being in elizabeth’s company after the stress of dealing with a nearly mute sister, at first noticed nothing, as he was enjoying the pleasure of resting his eyes on the woman he loved.

He could not miss the look of concern that crossed her face, though, and was horrified to see Georgiana’s distress as he followed her gaze. elizabeth quickly crossed the room to sit beside her and placed her arm gently around her shoulders.

“My dear Georgiana,” she said soothingly. “Whatever is the matter?”

Georgiana made no reply. Darcy knelt at her feet and took her hand between both of his, which only made the girl cry harder.

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Abigail Reynolds

elizabeth made a quick decision. “Fitzwilliam, would you see if someone could bring us some tea?” At his puzzled look, she gestured to the door with her head.

“excuse me, Georgiana. I will return in a few minutes,” he said, uncertain, but willing to rely on elizabeth’s wisdom regarding his sister.

“Thank you,” said elizabeth. As he left, she turned once again to his sister. “now, Georgiana, what is all this about?” she asked gently.

It took several minutes before Georgiana was calm enough to manage a few words. “What I said that day—I am
so
sorry—I have felt
terrible
about it—I never thought you would take me seriously; you are so strong, I thought you would just go to him and demand the truth, and he would be embarrassed—I never meant to hurt you!” she said brokenly, between sobs.

elizabeth squeezed her hand gently. “I think we all have gained in understanding since that episode, and I hope we can put it behind us.”

“I cannot understand why you are being so kind to me—why you would ever wish to see me again,” said Georgiana, and as she finished she was overtaken by sobs so intense that she could scarcely breathe.

There was nothing elizabeth could do for her until she became somewhat calmer, so she merely sat with her and chafed her hands while reassuring her of her welcome. Finally she settled, but into a state of numb dispirit rather than a true peace. “My dear Georgiana,” said elizabeth, “if there is something else troubling you, I will be happy to listen, but I have no wish to force your confidence.”

Georgiana shook her head slowly, her eyes on no object other than the floor. “It is only that … I never thought it could ever be that he would not want me anymore. I know that I deserve it, I just never thought he would … but I know he has you now, and he is so much happier with you than he ever was with me, and I will be with my aunt and uncle …” Her voice trailed off.

elizabeth looked at her in amused exasperation. “Are you attempting to suggest that you think your brother does not want you to live with him anymore?” The absolute silence which met her question was a clear indica-tor that this was, in fact, Georgiana’s understanding. “Wherever did you get such an idea?”

For the first time, Georgiana looked up at elizabeth. “He wrote me a 240

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letter. you must not think that I blame him; I know that he has done more than his duty for me for years, and I have been so … difficult of late,” she said hopelessly.

“I believe that what he offered you was a choice,” replied elizabeth, not unkindly. “He wants you to be happy, you know; and it has seemed that you have been less than content in his care. It was a difficult offer for him to make.”

“I am not happy because I am all wrong for everything, not because of him!” she cried.

“What makes you say that?” asked elizabeth, sensing that they were approaching the heart of the matter.

“Because it is true—there is no one less suited than I to be Miss Darcy of Pemberley. I will never be able to meet my duties. I am terrified of balls and society, I do not understand fashion or the
ton
, and the idea of men seeking me for my fortune makes me feel ill. I have had nightmares about coming out ever since I was old enough to know what it meant! I will be a disgrace to my brother and my family, and some poor man will find he has a pitiable bargain in me when he discovers that I cannot manage a grand household or host a ball. some other girl should be me, and I should be living in some quiet backwater with no demands upon me beyond everyday ones,” she said in distress.

elizabeth looked at her closely. “It sounds as if you have been very unhappy,” she said. It was now apparent why the idea of eloping with George Wickham had such appeal for her; it had been her escape from her responsibilities, or so she must have thought.

“The only time I am happy is when I am at my piano-forte and I can forget all this!” said Georgiana. “oh, but please do not tell my brother—I should not have said any of this, and I do not want him to know how badly I have disappointed his every expectation. If he will only have me back—if
you
will only have me back—I promise I will try harder, and I will do everything he says.” she looked at elizabeth beseechingly.

“I am trying very hard to convince your brother that he need
not
be in charge of everything—please do not undo all my good work!” said elizabeth with a smile. “It does him good to be questioned from time to time.”

Georgiana looked at her in disbelief for a moment before gaining an 241

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inkling that she was being teased. she could not quite smile, but her eyes brightened a little. “He does like to have matters just as he pleases,” she said shyly, watching elizabeth closely to be certain she had not offended her.

“He does indeed,” said elizabeth comfortably. “But do you think that your brother would not understand your fear of balls and society?”

“He wants me to make a good marriage,” she replied sadly.

“I am sure he does; but, given that he himself is never at his best among large groups and I think would be perfectly happy never to attend another ball in his life, I imagine he might understand better than you think.”

Her countenance lightened briefly at this idea and then fell again. “It would make no difference, though; even if he understands, it will not change my responsibilities.”

“That, perhaps, is grounds for a different discussion, one which I am not qualified to enter into,” elizabeth said thoughtfully. “Perhaps we could take this one step at a time.”

Darcy chose that moment to reappear at the door, looking quizzically at elizabeth. she gave him a reassuring smile, but Georgiana steadfastly refused to look at him. There was an uncomfortable moment of silence, then elizabeth, feeling that directness was called for, said, “There seems to have been a misunderstanding, Fitzwilliam. Georgiana is under the impression that you would prefer that she not live with us.”

He looked disbelieving for a moment, then came to take his sister in his arms. “of course that is not the case, sweetheart!” he said, distressed that she should ever think such a thing. “I would never wish such a thing.”