By Force of Instinct (35 page)

elizabeth had thought herself relatively calm; but, as soon as she was en-closed in Darcy’s arms, she felt an upwelling of panic. she could not have said why, when it seemed her only surety was with him, she felt so much more frightened and overwhelmed than she had only a few moments before. she barely noticed Bingley’s departure as she sought to control her trembling.

“My poor sweet love,” said Darcy softly. “I am so sorry that she was so hateful to you. I hope you know better than to listen to anything she says.”

on receiving no reply, he experienced a moment of fear. Finally he tipped her chin up to look at him and said, “Please, my heart, will you not at least talk to me?” He brushed his lips lightly against hers.

It was more than she could bear; she burst into tears, pressing her face against the fabric of his coat. Wrenching sobs shook her uncontrollably. All that had happened—her father’s overt hostility towards Darcy, his unwillingness to listen to her, and now his readiness to allow her to bear Lady catherine’s insufferable insults, seemed far too much for her. It seemed not only would she be leaving behind her family in only a few weeks, but the family she had believed in had never truly existed. What would there be for her at Longbourn ever again? Jane would be at netherfield, and as for the rest … she could not even complete the thought.

Darcy, having never seen her in such a state before, could only say something indistinctly of his concern and murmur endearments in her ear. He felt helpless to relieve her suffering, a feeling which did not sit well with him, and it made him angry both at his aunt for hurting her and at himself for failing to somehow protect her. As the minutes passed and her tears continued unabated, he led her to a chair and, after a moment of hesitation, situated her on his lap.

212

By FoRce oF InstInct

she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder. A thought sprang unbidden into her mind—
I must stop this! My mother
always said that gentlemen despise a weeping woman!
she struggled valiantly to control herself, but it only led to another storm of sobs as she heard him whisper tender reassurances to her. Finally, after what seemed to be a lifetime, it appeared that all her tears were spent.

Darcy, feeling quite at a loss in this situation, could do nothing but take comfort in the feeling of her body so close to his. He had longed so to be alone with her; and, now that he was, his only thought was to take away her pain, little as he understood it. He was relieved as she grew calmer and her breathing became more regular. He reached for his handkerchief and placed it gently in her hand.

Feeling as if she had been quite foolish, elizabeth wiped her eyes. Finally looking up at him with a tear-stained face, she said wretchedly, “I am sorry—I have quite soaked your coat.”

“Damn the coat, my dearest! you are my only concern,” he said, not particularly articulately.

“It is
I
that should be concerned for
you
!” she exclaimed contritely. “How must it be for you to have your aunt casting you off!”

He laughed softly. “Put your mind at rest, my heart. I have known for years that it would come to this as soon as I made up my mind to marry; her accusations vary only in the particulars from what I have always expected. My aunt’s good opinion is not worth the price it costs.” He frowned.

“What I find unforgivable, though, is that she hurt
you
.”

she touched his cheek lightly. “It was not as bad as all that. I did not expect her to call on me, but once she did I knew that she would be vitriolic.”

He kissed her tenderly, wishing that she felt more able to confide in him.

Perhaps that would only come with time. “you do not need to pretend for me—it is quite obvious she upset you badly. I know how cruel she can be.”

elizabeth looked down and fell silent for a moment. Her feelings about her father were so personal and so raw that she did not know if she could share them, yet he deserved an answer that was closer to the truth. And what did
she
deserve? she looked at him again and, to Darcy’s surprise, kissed him fiercely. “It was not Lady catherine who upset me so,” she said slowly, not quite able to look him in the eye. “It was my father. He was 213

Abigail Reynolds

there, and he stood by and did nothing. nothing at all. He let her call me all sorts of despicable names, and he smiled as she did it! It was Bingley—

Bingley!—who heard her from outside and rushed in to tell her she could not speak to me so! He would defend me when my own father would not!”

Her voice trembled again at the last of this.

Darcy drew in a sharp breath of anger. He would certainly have some words to say to Mr. Bennet when he saw him next! He would not tolerate this, even if it meant taking elizabeth away. He was about to tell her as much when he saw the look of pain on her face and realized with a startling new insight that she did not need his righteous anger or his defence, but rather his sympathy and affection. He gathered her closer to him. “My dearest,” he said, feeling quite lost for words. “I can only imagine how hurtful that would be. It should not have happened.”

elizabeth let out a long sigh. “It should not have been so unexpected.

He has been so
different
of late, and I cannot understand at all why he has taken against you so and why he has no faith in my judgment.” she paused, then continued, “I was always his favourite, and that meant a great deal to me; but I can see now that it was more that I was a favoured companion rather than someone whose worth he truly valued. It is … bitter.”

“your worth is beyond precious jewels to me,” he said, moved by her confidence. He was silent for a moment, nuzzling her hair. “When I was young, I idolized my parents, and lived for their praise. It was not until I was older that I realized their interest in me, and later in Georgiana, was only as deep as wishing me to be a good reflection upon them and not to cause trouble.

I remember one time—I must have been perhaps fourteen or fifteen and home from school for the summer—I finally mastered some feat of horsemanship I had been struggling with for some time. I was terribly proud of myself, and raced off to tell my father—my mother cared nothing for horsemanship. I discovered him playing cards in his study, with George Wickham, as it happened, who knew how to flatter and entertain him in a way I never did. I announced my news, and he barely looked in my direction to give the very briefest of praise and a caution not to interrupt him again as it would throw him off his game. I think it was at that moment that I realized I was little more than a pawn to him, and I remember going out to the lake and sitting on the bank, resolving that I would never allow Georgiana to feel so uncared for as I felt at that moment.” It was not a story 214

By FoRce oF InstInct

he had ever told before; it made him feel both oddly safe and vulnerable at the same time. He laid his head against her chest, taking comfort in the firm sound of her heartbeat.

His confession, in addition to soothing some of her own heartache, elicited a protective instinct in elizabeth. she had never seen him open up so, and it touched her deeply. she stroked his hair gently, realizing for the first time in her heart that he needed
her
, not just for her wit or her appearance or her kisses, but for her very self, and that she had an intrinsic value to him, quite separate from all the externals. It was an eye-opening concept, so different from how she had ever experienced love in the past; and she could see that, unlike her father, he found relief rather than a burden in sharing her pain. she did not know how to accept such a love, how to permit herself the emotional honesty he clearly desired from her; but she remembered, as far back as the library at rosings, even when they were most at odds, that he had acknowledged and accepted her feelings. she felt a profound rush of affection for him, and found the courage somehow to say, “How I love you, my dearest!”

He stiffened slightly at her words. she had told him as much before, but he could hear the qualitative difference in her voice and in the way her body seemed to melt into his, and he heard it for the first time as a feeling, not an abstract comment or as a platitude to soothe his sensibilities.

Instinctively he could feel that it had been this he had been longing for from her since the very beginning, even without knowing it. He caught her face in his hands and kissed her fervently. Laying his forehead against hers, he spoke the words that he had often thought in regard to her, “ ‘Thou hast ravished my heart!’ ”1

she could feel his hands trembling, and the recognition of the true strength of his devotion to her broke over her in a wave which washed away the last of her resistance. she could not put words to her thoughts, but she could put those thoughts into her eyes as she gazed at him, at least until such a point as they filled with tears of mingled joy and sorrow.

“I wish there were something I could do to make it better,” he said in a husky voice, holding her close to him.

“you
do
make it better,” she whispered. she leaned against him, allowing herself just to be held and to bask in the warmth of his affection. she felt 1 song of solomon, 4:9

215

Abigail Reynolds

that she could stay there forever; and, indeed, they sat together for quite some time in a close silence and stillness broken only by the occasional caress or light kiss.

At last Darcy, who, in addition to his joy in her presence, was beginning to feel desires which he thought elizabeth still too upset to be troubled with, said idly, “Will you unpin your hair, my heart?”

she gave him a knowing smile, and reached back to remove her hairpins.

When her dark curls came tumbling over her shoulders, he buried his face and hands in the silky mass. “I love your hair, my Lizzy,” he said, his voice slightly muffled.

Her heart seemed to skip a beat when he named her so familiarly for the first time; he had never been so informal with her before, and it seemed an almost unbearable intimacy now when he did. she pressed light kisses on his head in response, until he raised his face to claim her mouth with a kiss which expressed ardent passion without demand.

They sat there together for some time, sharing the comfort of each other’s nearness, with kisses and endearments as their primary form of communication. The interlude eased elizabeth’s spirits yet further, but after a time Darcy found his mind wandering back to the challenges they would face once they emerged into the world again. elizabeth, noting that he was becoming increasingly less relaxed, asked him gently whether anything was troubling him.

Darcy sighed heavily. “I was thinking about your father, and it reminded me that I do not know what it is I should do regarding Georgiana,” he said slowly. “she has not replied to my letter.”

elizabeth had wondered about this very matter several times but, recognizing how strongly protective Darcy could be of his sister, had felt it best to leave the matter completely to him. recognizing what a step it was for him to be turning to her with his feelings in this matter, she resolved to proceed cautiously. “What have your thoughts been on the matter?” she asked gently, nuzzling his neck.

Her actions provoked the response she had hoped for as he smiled tenderly at her for a moment before speaking. “I do not know
what
to think!

she was always a very sweet child, but her behaviour in the past year or two has been steadily deteriorating. I have no doubt been more tolerant of it than I should, but it cannot continue. What she said to you …” His mouth 216

By FoRce oF InstInct

hardened as he thought of her comment, and all the pain which had followed. “That was unforgivable, and I cannot let it go.”

“she may be very well aware of that, and I imagine she would find it quite frightening,” interposed elizabeth. she herself would have a difficult enough time forgiving Georgiana, but she did understand something of the mind of a 16-year-old girl.

Darcy frowned. “she cannot, though, neglect her responsibilities. I must take some action soon; if nothing else, I must know what her plans are regarding our wedding.” It was evident how painful he found the possibility that his sister might not attend.

“Will you write to her again, then?”

He looked distinctly displeased by this question, and elizabeth, disliking seeing his discomfort, began to kiss the side of his face and his ear until his body relaxed a bit. “I know that I
ought
to ride to Derby and discuss it with her directly, but I dislike leaving you for so long, my heart, especially with what has happened today. so perhaps it would be best to write, although I know not what to say.” He wound his fingers more deeply in her hair, thinking how difficult it would be to let her even return to Longbourn after what they had shared. He wanted only the intoxication of being in her presence and feeling her love, and was quite ready to damn all the proprieties in order to keep her with him.

elizabeth thought for a moment, then said unwillingly, “Much though I would prefer it to be otherwise, I think that you should go to Derby. There is too much at stake for a letter.”

Impulsively he said, “Go with me, then.”

elizabeth’s eyebrows shot up with surprise, and then she smiled with amusement. “As tempting as that idea might be, I fear it is hardly prudent.”

“We could go to London first and be married immediately, and then no one could complain,” he said hopefully, knowing that she would never agree.

“Apart from my family and the entirety of my acquaintance, indeed there would be none to complain,” she teased.

His face took on a rakish look she recognized well. “Perhaps I should try to … persuade you otherwise,” he said, his hand drifting down to her breast.

“While I have no doubt that you could persuade me to
something
, I doubt 217

Abigail Reynolds

it would take me as far as London,” she said archly.

“
You
are a temptress,” he said, scattering kisses across her face.