By Force of Instinct (16 page)

elizabeth’s lack of spirits became so apparent by this point as to penetrate even to Mr. Bennet, who after some days of deliberating, called his favourite daughter to the library. “Lizzy,” he said, eyeing her over his glasses,

“even a foolish old man like myself can hardly avoid noticing that you have not been yourself of late. What is it that is troubling you so, my dear?”

In none too articulate a manner, she gave him to understand that the circumstances of her sister’s wedding still troubled her, and that she dreaded the arrival of Lydia and Wickham at Longbourn. Mr. Bennet, whose first transports of rage and guilt had long since passed to be replaced by his normal indolence, disliked this reminder of his own failures; he wished to think of it no more than to acknowledge the welcome surprise that the match had been made with such trifling exertion on his side. “come, Lizzy, what is done is done; the worst has been averted, and I must confess that I am quite looking forward to seeing how brazen Mr. Wickham shall be when faced by our massed family, and you in particular, my love.”

elizabeth looked heavenward; the last thing she could wish for was to be reminded of her former favouritism for Wickham, for which misjudgment she had already paid dearly. Her sense of humour could not in this case extend so far as her father’s. she made one last attempt to justify her position, despite an awareness that it was unlikely to be convincing without a confession of the entire reason for her reluctance. “It is easier to laugh at it, sir, when you are not one of those who have been placed at great disadvantage by Lydia’s actions. Jane has the good fortune to already be engaged, but I do not delude myself that my own chances of matrimony, as well as that of my other sisters, have not been substantially altered by these events. I fear that it is beyond me, sir, to play the gracious hostess to those who have for 96

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their own pleasure injured me and those I love to this extent; do not ask it of me, I pray you, for I shall not pretend to spirits which I do not have.”

“Lizzy,” said her father cajolingly, seeing that her whole heart was in the subject, “Do not make yourself uneasy about the future. Wherever you are known, you must be respected and valued. Any man squeamish enough to be frightened away by a little absurdity in the family is not worth the having.”

elizabeth knew better than to expect commiseration from her father, but it was several moments before she could recover sufficient composure to respond to this remark which cut far too close for her comfort. “sir, you asked what is troubling me; I have told you, and if there is anything further, I am at your disposal.”

This was as near to insolence as Mr. Bennet had ever heard from his Lizzy, and it did not please him. He curtly dismissed her, and elizabeth, vexation now adding to her other distresses, did not hesitate to take herself off on a long walk, despite weather which was unseasonably damp and chilly.

she did not return until dinnertime, and had little to contribute to the conversation at that meal, which was primarily concerned with the raptures of Mrs. Bennet over the pleasant notion of having two daughters married. Just before her father escaped again to his library, he said, “It occurs to me, Lizzy, that you were deprived of part of your tour with your aunt and uncle by this unhappy business. Perhaps you would like to join them in London for a time—if you go to them just after Lydia returns here, I am certain that they will be happy to be reminded that they have some sensible nieces left.”

elizabeth was pleasantly startled by this suggestion, having thought the matter closed. on further thought, she realized with some cynicism that her father was looking to his own comfort—he would no doubt be relieved by her absence; her resentful presence during Lydia’s visit would be a painful reminder of his own shirked responsibility. But to go to London would run the risk of happening upon Mr. Darcy himself, which would be even worse—but no, Bingley had said that he would be returning to Pemberley once his business was concluded, and surely it could not last so very long.

And London was a large place. Jane had, after all, been in London for the entire winter without catching a sight of Mr. Bingley. It would require a great coincidence for them to meet by chance, even if he should still be 97

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in town. she resolved that the slight risk was well worth the chance to be away from Longbourn, and indicated to her father that the plan met with her approval. It was determined that she should go to town on the very day after Lydia’s return home.

When her sister’s wedding day finally came, elizabeth dreaded the arrival of the newlyweds. The family was assembled in the breakfast room to receive them. smiles decked the face of Mrs. Bennet, as the carriage drove up to the door; her husband looked impenetrably grave; her daughters, alarmed, anxious, uneasy.

Lydia’s voice was heard in the vestibule; the door was thrown open, and she ran into the room. Her mother stepped forwards, embraced her, and welcomed her with rapture; and gave her hand with an affectionate smile to Wickham, who followed his lady. Mrs. Bennet wished them both joy, with an alacrity which showed no doubt of their happiness.

Their reception from Mr. Bennet, to whom they then turned, was not quite so cordial. The easy assurance of the young couple, indeed, was enough to provoke even him. Lydia was Lydia still; untamed, unabashed, wild, noisy, and fearless. she turned from sister to sister, demanding their congratulations. Wickham was not at all more distressed than herself, but his manners were always so pleasing, that had his character and his marriage been exactly what they ought, his smiles and his easy address, while he claimed their relationship, would have delighted them all. elizabeth had not before believed him quite equal to such assurance, and she resolved within herself to draw no limits in future to the impudence of an impudent man.

Wickham’s gallant greeting of his new mother was enough to make elizabeth blush for both their sakes, but when he turned to her to claim a brother’s right with a look bold enough to show hints of his old admiration for her, the warmth of her embarrassment turned to the heat of anger.

As she looked into the face that had spelled the death of all her hopes, she could not comprehend how she had ever failed to detect the evidence of affectation in him, and she saw with revulsion all the depth of his self-involvement and dissolution.

The distasteful sight of his slyly admiring countenance was suddenly overtaken in her mind by a vivid memory of dark eyes gazing at her intently, as if with the purpose of laying claim to her very soul. she felt it 98

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almost as a physical blow, knocking the breath from her body. she wished, oh, how she wished, for one last opportunity to tell him how she felt, to see the light of forgiveness and affection in his face once again, but she knew it was too late; and she knew as well that his suffering must be as great as her own, if not greater, owing to the long history of injury perpetrated upon him by Mr. Wickham.

Fortunately, there was no want of discourse from the others to cover her silence. The bride and her mother could neither of them talk fast enough.

Wickham, who happened to sit near elizabeth, began inquiring after his acquaintance in that neighbourhood with a good humoured ease which she felt very unable to equal in her replies. He seemed to have the happiest memories in the world, and she could not help but contrast his demeanour with her knowledge of the pain he had caused, and was continuing to cause, to the man who held her heart. recalling the look of pain she had seen on Darcy’s face at rosings, her feelings of need for him blossomed into an aching wound. At that moment, faced with a man not worthy to speak his name, she knew that she would never be able to forget him, and that there was a part of herself which she had given to him which would always be his, even if they never met again.

Wickham, sensing her distraction, and perhaps misinterpreting it, favoured her with a winning smile. “I hear you are for London tomorrow. I am sorry for it; I had hoped for the opportunity to renew our acquaintance.

We
were always good friends, and now we are better,” he said, watching her reaction closely.

His open flirtation could only serve to disgust her further, and she knew not what reply she made.
If he knew the truth of my feelings, both for himself
and for Mr. Darcy, what would he say then?
she wondered in angry confusion. With an icy sensation, she realized that had Wickham known of Darcy’s interest in her, he would not have been above using that connection against him, and she saw once more the bitter truth of why Darcy had no choice but to leave her.

Lydia’s piercing voice broke into her reverie. “only think of it being three months,” she cried, “since I went away. It seems but a fortnight I declare; and yet there have been things enough happened in the time. Good gracious! When I went away, I am sure I had no more idea of being married till I came back again! Though I thought it would be very good fun if I was.”

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elizabeth could bear it no longer. she got up, and ran out of the room.

But even hiding herself away in her room, a sense of Darcy’s presence continued to haunt her, and she wept once again for what she had lost. But it was a pain too acute to allow free rein for long; and when at last she calmed herself, she resolved that these would be the last tears she would shed for what was past, and she set her mind firmly on the matter of the morning’s journey to London.

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Chapter 6

elizabeth reached London the following afternoon, after bidding a far from heartbroken farewell to Lydia and her husband. It was a relief to be in town; she was thankful to be away from the reminders of her woe at Longbourn. There were certainly more distractions to be had at the Gardiners’ home, and elizabeth could put aside her own cares to play with her young cousins. she no longer had to observe Jane’s happiness on a daily basis when it contrasted so starkly with her own state, nor help prepare for a wedding such as she herself would never have. she was grateful for the frequent callers and the lively conversation at the Gardiners’ which sometimes succeeded at diverting her attention for a few hours.

It was more difficult when she was alone with her aunt and uncle; being more perceptive than her parents, it was more apparent to them that she was out of spirits, however much she tried to disguise it. Their gentle concern almost broke her reserve, but she dared not reveal to them any of what had occurred given their own occasional connection with Mr. Darcy, and she shuddered to think of what her uncle, an upholder of the strictest propriety, would say if he knew how she had behaved.

The Gardiners did their best to offer her diversion, taking her to concerts and plays as well as to gatherings of their friends. she enjoyed these cultural delights until the night she spotted Mr. Darcy in a box at the theatre. she had dreaded the possibility that their paths might cross, but London was a large city, and she had thought it likely that he had already 101

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departed for Derbyshire. The agonizing feelings of loss that flooded her at the sight of him took her breath away; she could hardly bear the pain. He was seated with two other gentlemen and a fashionably dressed young lady; with a stab of pain, she saw that he occasionally leaned towards his fair companion, apparently to point out some item of interest. she could not keep herself from stealing glances at him even though it caused her heart to ache, until on one look she found that he had discovered her presence as well. Their eyes met for a moment across the theatre, then elizabeth deliberately looked away. she could not imagine that he would seek her out, but she kept to the background in the interval, and managed to survive the evening with no other contact. It had the effect however of spoiling the enjoyment she was beginning to take in the pleasures of town, bringing the raw feelings of rejection back to the surface.

one day her aunt informed her that they would be attending a small party that afternoon to meet Mr. edwards, a painter who was beginning to make his mark in London. Although elizabeth knew but little about painting, she had no objection to the activity. They hired a carriage for the occasion, since it was apparently at some distance, and it was not until they were well into the fashionable neighbourhood near Grosvenor square that elizabeth asked with a sudden suspicion who was to be their host. Her aunt and uncle exchanged a brief glance; Mrs. Gardiner had deliberately avoided revealing this information, having developed a sense that her niece might be suffering from a disappointment in love.

“Why, it is at Mr. Darcy’s home, Lizzy; I thought you knew. Mr. edwards is from Derby, and Mr. Darcy is one of his patrons,” said Mr. Gardiner jovially. on seeing elizabeth’s sudden pallor, he enquired, “Is anything wrong, my dear?”

elizabeth hastened to reassure him despite the waves of anxiety racing through her. she would see him—the face that haunted her dreams, the arms that had held her and would never do so again—how was she to tolerate it? And what would Mr. Darcy think of her appearance on his doorstep?

Would he think that she was deliberately putting herself in his way? The humiliation would be more than she could bear; she would have to be certain to avoid any manifestation of interest in him. “I feel rather that I will be intruding,” she explained weakly.

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of her suspicions. she could not but think that there must be some misunderstanding; she had an excellent sense of Mr. Darcy’s feelings toward her niece. It had, in fact, been quite a surprise to discover that he did not come to call after elizabeth’s arrival in London, and to find that elizabeth was pretending to no connection whatsoever. “Do you not think that your friend Miss Darcy will be pleased to see you?” she suggested gently, not wishing to press her.

elizabeth’s fears would not be soothed, though, and in fact grew as they arrived at the door and were shown in by the butler. elizabeth was relieved to see that it was a largish assembly; it included several persons she recognized from their visits to the Gardiners, offering her at least the protection of numbers. It pained her that, despite her embarrassment and apprehension, part of her was longing desperately to see him.