By Force of Instinct (31 page)

Unfortunately, she knew that they would be lucky to have the chance for anything more than private discourse. From the way Darcy’s eyes were caressing her, she did not know how either of them would maintain their distance. she wondered how it was that he could with a mere look make her feel as if he were removing her clothing and making love to her.

They managed somehow to carry on an appropriate conversation for a time in the presence of Mrs. Gardiner, although the subtext of their tête-187

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à-tête would have read quite differently. It was a relief to them both when Mrs. Gardiner suggested that they walk out despite its being a cold day.

As soon as they had walked far enough to have even a modicum of privacy, Darcy looked at her and said, “elizabeth!” as if the syllables of her name could carry all the desire, the longing, and the pleasure he felt in knowing that she was his.

she gave him a sweetly arch smile. “yes, Fitzwilliam?” she said.

His eyes seemed to look through her to her very soul. “I missed you in my bed last night,” he murmured intimately.

His words, as he had no doubt hoped, threw her into turmoil, and made her long to be much closer to him than was proper. she said lightly, “only last night? I am disappointed.”

Purposely misunderstanding her, he replied in her ear, “no, I also missed you there this morning. I would have far preferred to have awakened in your arms—I would have enjoyed reacquainting myself with every lovely inch of you, and discovering even more ways for your pleasure to become mine.”

elizabeth’s cheeks flamed. she was too embarrassed to speak, and felt this to be just as well, since she would not have known what to say if she could.

she knew only that his words awoke her desire, and that although it might be best if he were to stop this discussion, she did not truly wish for it.

“Did you think of
me
this morning, my heart?” he asked.

elizabeth was caught off guard by his question. When she had been alone in her room she had indeed thought of him and what they had shared, recalling the closeness she had felt to him and the astonishing pleasures to which he had introduced her. embarrassed almost beyond the ability to answer with honesty, she murmured without looking at him, “yes, I did.”

He seemed to consider her answer for a moment, and then said intimately, “I hope it was with pleasure, then.” He touched her cheek lightly, encouraging her to turn to look at him.

she was immediately caught in the depth of his dark eyes. Almost breathlessly, she responded slowly, “yes, it was.”

His look of gratification at her words could not be denied, and it only added to the heat within her. “Thank you,” he said softly. “I do not know what good angel brought you to me yesterday, but I shall be grateful for your gift forever.”

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she felt as if she were trembling inside. That they were having this conversation at all, much less on a public street, even if none could overhear, was both shocking and exciting at the same time. It was as if his words were touching her as intimately as his hands had the previous day; this very conversation was forbidden by a propriety to which she no longer felt bound. she looked at him as if entrusting him with a secret, her lips tingling as if in anticipation of kisses they were not to receive. “I am glad that you were not outraged by my actions,” she said.

she would not have thought that his gaze could become more intense.

“I shall never forget, elizabeth, that you came to me of your own choice, rather than as a duty of our marriage,” he said, his voice conveying the depth of his feeling. “to know that the pleasure I took in you I was able to repay in some measure brings me great happiness.”

“I …” she began, finding herself lost for words as desire for him mounted within her. “I am glad you were … pleased.”

His eyes moved slowly down her body, seeming to caress her and manifestly recalling with appreciation the discoveries he had made. “Pleased beyond measure,” he said slowly. “My loveliest elizabeth, you do not know what you do to me.”

Feeling almost faint from the exquisite tension between them, elizabeth could do nothing but cast her eyes down.

He seemed to read her sentiments in her countenance. “elizabeth!” he said, as if laying claim to her name since he could do no more. “This will be a painfully long engagement, no matter how short in time it may be—until I have the right to have you in my house, in my arms, and in my bed, I know I shall not be content.”

she raised her eyes tentatively to meet his. “nor shall I, my love,” she said softly, the endearment seeming to come naturally to her lips.

His eyes flared in response to her admission, but instead of responding, he placed his free hand gently over hers and accelerated their pace.

she followed his lead, although her expression posed a question as to his reason.

“This would be an excellent time to raise a new topic of conversation,” he said after a pause. “We are in public, my heart, and my self-control is
seriously
endangered at the moment.”

Despite the surge of desire his words sent through her, elizabeth’s re-189

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sponse was an amused look. “I shall try not to tempt you further, then,”

she said playfully.

He drew in a deep breath. His voice carried an earnest warning as he said, “Do you realize how very little it would take for me to bring you back to my house this minute and damn the consequences?”

elizabeth looked aside, astonished and dismayed at the extent to which she longed to tell him to do just that. she closed her eyes a moment in an attempt to calm herself, and conjured an image of her aunt’s disappointment in her were she to risk her family’s disgrace by going openly with him.

This was enough to break the spell upon her, and left her able to respond to him without compromising them further. “Then by all means let us choose another subject,” she began. “you were telling me last week of your plans for your tenants; I have been wondering how the other gentry in the district will respond to them.”

He seized upon the distraction with gratitude, and talked of it with great perseverance until both were able to feel the comfort of one another’s company without the danger of their earlier feelings.

All too soon came the day of elizabeth’s departure for Hertfordshire.

Although she would be pleased to be at home, and to have the opportunity to explain herself at last to her family, the idea of even a few days without Darcy’s company was making her feel near-panicked with distress. When he arrived for his daily visit, she found it nearly impossible to so much as smile at him, and she wanted nothing more than to throw herself into his arms and never let him go.

Darcy himself was no happier; each day without elizabeth in his arms seemed to last an eternity, but at least he had the consolation of her company while she was in London. There were moments when he almost felt regret for their tryst, not because he would have chosen to do anything differently, but rather because it had only increased his desire for her and his longing to have her with him all the time. He thought he had been handling his feelings rather nicely until elizabeth asked him to delay his arrival in Hertfordshire to allow her the opportunity to convince her family of the merits of their engagement. He understood her reasoning immediately, but the idea of it was so unpalatable that he could hardly accept it.

In moments when he was alone, he had on occasion even wondered if she 190

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herself was tired of his company, but the look in her eyes as she greeted him each morning provided all the reassurance he needed.

Although Darcy was concerned this particular morning that elizabeth’s spirits were obviously low, he had to admit to a certain satisfaction in perceiving that she would feel his absence just as keenly as he would hers. It was difficult to make conversation, even though they had only a brief time together. Finally, her departure was imminent. Mrs. Gardiner had given them the unexpected gift of a private moment for their farewells, although not without the near presence of a servant. As they stood by the carriage that was to take elizabeth away, Darcy, feeling rather self-conscious, produced a small box from his pocket and handed it to her.

she looked up at him seriously. “There is no need to give me gifts,” she said. “you have given me so much already.”

“I shall never be able to give you as much as you have already given me, my heart,” he replied. Leaning toward her, he said softly in her ear, “If I cannot make love to you, you will perforce have to at least permit me to give you presents.”

Her cheeks coloured becomingly. “I fail to see the connection,” she said, but with a smile that belied the seriousness of her words. she opened the box to see an exquisite strand of matched pearls. she gazed at it for a moment, then said, “you are very generous, but it is too much; we are not yet married.”

He gazed at her until their eyes met, an intent look in his dark eyes. “In name only,” he said quietly, relishing the opportunity to see the memory of his lovemaking in her eyes. He wondered whether he was reminding her or himself more of those moments. “They are for you, my heart; they were my mother’s.”

elizabeth felt that if she said a word, she would burst into tears, and her usual sense of humour seemed to have deserted her. she could only look at him, her heart in her eyes.

He took her hand in his. “I shall miss you, elizabeth; I will give you no more than three days to work upon your father on my behalf—I cannot bear to be away from you longer than that,” he said, his gaze intent upon her.she found the touch of his hand to be reassuring, and looked up at him.

“I shall look forward to your arrival, sir.”

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“And when I arrive, we shall finalize the wedding plans, so that we need face no more of these partings.”

His words brought a blush to elizabeth’s face, and she found herself too embarrassed by her own thoughts to say a word. Finally, with a self-mocking smile, she said formally, “Then I will bid you farewell, Mr. Darcy.”

“Until we meet again, Miss Bennet,” he replied, then, to her great surprise, he bent and touched his lips lightly to hers, despite the presence of the Gardiners’ servant. “Dream of me—you may be certain that I shall be dreaming about you,” he whispered.

Her cheeks now flaming, elizabeth allowed him to hand her into the carriage before bestowing a teasing smile upon him. “such forwardness, Mr. Darcy!” she exclaimed mischievously. “certainly you cannot expect me to permit such behaviour prior to our wedding day!”

He laughed, always a pleasure for elizabeth to hear. “of course not, Miss Bennet. I cannot imagine what came over me,” he said dryly. she gave him one last wave as the carriage pulled away, and he watched with deep regret until it disappeared from his sight.

elizabeth’s return to Longbourn could not have been more different from her homecoming after visiting rosings. she was greeted immediately by her mother, who was full of voluble praise for the brilliant match she had made. elizabeth was without question her favourite child, courtesy of ten thousand pounds a year. Mrs. Bennet could not restrain herself from giving every possible piece of advice concerning elizabeth’s wedding clothes before her daughter had even passed the vestibule. elizabeth listened to her effusions with tolerant amusement.

By contrast, her father came out from his library only briefly to greet her in a grave manner. Despite elizabeth’s concern, the impossibility of interrupting her mother prohibited her from further conversation with him.

It was not until that night that the two elder Miss Bennets were able to be by themselves, and Jane instantly availed herself of the opportunity of making many enquiries, which elizabeth was equally eager to satisfy.

“But Mr. Darcy! Dearest Lizzy, I could not have been more shocked when I heard! I had always thought you disliked him, although I have always had a value for him. Were it for nothing but his love of you, I must always have esteemed him; but now, as Bingley’s friend and your husband, 192

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there can be only Bingley and yourself more dear to me. It is only that I had no idea at all that he was partial to you, although it does not seem to have come as a complete surprise to my dear Bingley. However did it come to pass? you must tell me all of it!” cried Jane.

“Then you shall be listening until your ears are tired, my dear Jane!”

teased elizabeth.

“oh, be serious, Lizzy! I have been nearly unable to sleep at night for wondering how this has happened.”

“Then I shall tell you it all, leaving out nothing except that which would reflect badly on anyone, of course,” she answered with mock gravity. taking Jane’s hand, elizabeth proceeded to relate her tale, from the disastrous proposal at Hunsford and her meetings with Darcy afterwards, to his role in bringing Bingley to Gracechurch street, their coming to an understanding when he visited netherfield, and—after swearing her to secrecy—his role in arranging Lydia’s marriage. she left out only her last visit to Brook street; not even to Jane would she trust that secret. Jane looked all amazement, and elizabeth more seriously assured her of its truth.

“But are you pleased, Jane? shall you like to have such a brother?” elizabeth asked.

“Very, very much. nothing could give either Bingley or myself more delight. But do you really love him quite well enough? oh, Lizzy! Do anything rather than marry without affection.”

elizabeth soon satisfied Jane by her solemn assurances of attachment.

All was acknowledged, and half the night spent in conversation.

It was not until a full two days later that elizabeth finally managed to find a private moment with Mr. Bennet, who clearly had been attempting to avoid such an occasion. His attempts at evasion had distressed her, but came as no surprise; it had never been his habit to confront problems directly when they could either be defused with wit or avoided altogether.

When she finally discovered him in the library one afternoon and resolutely began a discussion of her engagement, he removed his glasses and said, “Lizzy, I see no point in discussing this. What is done is done, and neither you nor I have any choice in the matter. I am sorry that you must marry a man you have always hated; I wish I could offer hope that he might change, but I do not believe it myself. However, there is no point in 193