By Force of Instinct (27 page)

I will also add that to the objections I have already urged, I have still another
to add. I am no stranger to the particulars of your youngest sister’s infamous
elopement. And is such a girl to be my nephew’s sister? Is her husband, the son
of his late father’s steward, to be his brother? Are the shades of Pemberley to
be thus pol uted?

You may be certain, Miss Bennet, that I will also apply to my nephew, in
certainty that he will come to his senses and realize the immense error he has
made before it is too late. I am most seriously displeased.

C. De Bourgh

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Abigail Reynolds

The discomposure of spirits into which this extraordinary missive threw elizabeth could not be easily overcome. The shock of such an attack, when their engagement was already determined, was great. surely Lady catherine did not believe that her nephew would go back on his promise to her now? she had been aware that his family would not think highly of the match, but to be assailed in such an openly insulting manner was painfully unexpected.

Her first response was a forthright fury at the insults Lady catherine had levelled at her and her family, but shortly it gave way to a dispiriting sense of unease. If it was true that his family would shun her, it would put him at odds either with them or her; and, in either case, their marriage would end up costing him dearly. she could not credit that, with his sense of honour, Darcy would reconsider his decision to marry her even if he wished to; but that he could come to regret it she did not doubt. she could think of little that would cause her more pain.

she knew not the exact degree of Mr. Darcy’s affection for his aunt, or his dependence on her judgment, but it was natural to suppose that he thought much higher of her ladyship than
she
could do. It was certain, that in enumerating the miseries of a marriage with one, whose immediate connections were so unequal to his own, his aunt would address him on his weakest side. All the fears she had put aside when she had allowed herself to enjoy his courtship and his company returned in force. she did not wish him to come to any harm, but she also knew that she had come too far to be able to give him up, even for his own sake—and her uncle would not allow it even if she tried.

There was another dilemma to be faced—whether to tell Darcy about his aunt’s letter. If she did, he would no doubt ask to read it, an outcome she would prefer to avoid. But should she decide to keep it a secret and he later discover it, he would certainly be angered with her as well. she could not for many hours learn to think of it less than incessantly and still could come to no resolution.

At dinner that evening, her uncle announced that he had finally received a reply to his letter from Mr. Bennet. When elizabeth asked with some anxiety what opinions her father had expressed, Mr. Gardiner silently, but with a certain sympathy, produced a folded sheet of paper from his pocket and gave it to her. she unfolded it to find it contained only one short sen-164

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tence: ‘I give my consent,’ over her father’s familiar scrawled signature.

Her heart sank; his disapproval was more evident in his silence than it would have been had he violently upbraided her.
I could hardly have expected more,
she told herself.
After al , it does not reflect well on him to have
another daughter caught in a compromising position, and he does not like Mr.

Darcy in any case.
she resolved to do what she could to change his opinion on her return, but his reaction still pained her—she had hoped that she could return home on better terms with her father than when she had departed for London, but it did not seem that this would be the case.

Mrs. Gardiner noticed how troubled her niece seemed that evening, and tried to draw her out, but to no avail; elizabeth was keeping her own counsel. she was uncertain how well she would be able to maintain her composure if she did not—she was feeling surrounded by the weight of disapproval of both his family and hers, either of herself or of her choices, and she found the position painfully intolerable. Her only wish was to see Darcy; she knew that she would find comfort in his presence, and that he would be able to reassure her that these obstacles would be overcome with time. If
he
began to have regrets, she did not know how she could tolerate it. And how little she had ever given him in return for his constancy and affection; she regretted every saucy speech and impertinence she had ever directed to him, every pain she had inflicted upon him by her misjudgments and her lack of trust, and even her ambivalence regarding his attentions.

He deserved so much more, and she resolved that, in the future, he would receive it from her. she regretted too, that as a result of her own actions, he no longer felt comfortable even looking at her with passion, much less offering her the pleasure of his kisses.

Later, when she was alone, she shed tears over the letters, feeling most strongly the disappointment and disapproval of her father. The opposition of Lady catherine, though it worried her, did not pain her so deeply; but it brought to the fore a feeling of betrayal of both herself and Darcy on the part of Georgiana. she was sensible of how greatly his sister’s conduct must have pained Darcy, and how they were ever to make peace as a family she did not know. How much more his love for her had cost him than he had initially assessed it at Hunsford when he had felt it merely to be a degradation! Had he realized that he would be rejected by his entire family, would he have persisted in making his suit?

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she passed a troubled night, and during one period of nocturnal wake-fulness, she found her pain at the responses of their families transmuting to a bitter anger at the injustice of it—what had she done apart from fall in love with a respectable man who loved her, a brilliant match at that? Her conduct had not been impeccable, but it had been far from the complete disregard for the proprieties displayed by Lydia, and not even that much worse than the behaviour regularly exhibited in public by her younger sisters. Why, she wondered, had she objected so to Darcy’s physical expression of his regard, when it had always occurred with her tacit consent? He had never failed to respect her choice to stop nor, were she to be honest with herself, done anything which had not left her wanting still more. she was provoked as well by the knowledge that she had been led to believe that she was somehow at fault for desiring his touch, deceived by some of those very people who were now disapproving so heartily of her natural expressions of that affection for the one person who had been treating her with kindness, respect, and love.

In that manner common to midnight thoughts, her pain and resentments only grew as she dwelt upon them, and in time vexation gave way to rejection, and then in turn to a sense of reckless disregard for those who had pained her. At last, in exhaustion, she resolved to herself that hence-forth she would consider her future husband and his opinions first, and her family second—and if in the morning she felt the need she did at present to see him and to feel his comfort, then go to him she would, regardless of what anyone else might think of it. And if he was so inclined as to express his affections in a more physical manner, she would offer no objection.

elizabeth awoke the next morning from vague and disquieting dreams, and found that neither her vexation nor her resolve of the night had faded.

she did not immediately go down to breakfast, as she did not wish to meet Mr. Gardiner. Although his manner the night before bespoke sympathy, it seemed unwise to take the risk that he would somehow perceive her new defiance of his authority over her. she spent her time perusing Lady catherine’s letter, no longer reading it as an insult to herself, but dwelling instead with righteous anger on Darcy’s behalf at her ladyship’s willingness to cast him out from the family fold merely for having the audacity to follow his heart. Are you lost to every feeling of propriety and delicacy?—166

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elizabeth read this with a cynical smile, recalling how it had offended her the previous day. she saw it now almost as a badge of courage.

It was with greater pain that she again unfolded the note from her father—one could hardly call it a letter—and gazed at his quick scrawl. That he could be so quick to dismiss her! she felt anew his unwillingness to listen to her, both when she had counselled against allowing Lydia to travel to Brighton and again when he had refused to acknowledge the cost of Lydia’s elopement to her.

It seemed that when her father wanted a witty companion, he was proud of her, but whenever she wanted him as a father, unless it amused him as it had with Mr. collins, or whenever she showed a true independence of spirit, his attitude was quite different.

such were the people who wished to stand between her and Darcy!—she was determined to no longer honour their plans for her, and remained resolved to act in that manner which would constitute her happiness, without reference to any of them. And if by their views her plans were both audacious and scandalous, it was no matter to her.

When she at length descended, her aunt, distracted by the various needs of the household, still found time to greet her affectionately, and asked,

“Lizzy, are you quite well this morning?”

Hearing the concern in Mrs. Gardiner’s voice, elizabeth for a moment almost reconsidered her plans, wishing nothing more than to confess her hurt and anger to her aunt. she recognized however that Mrs. Gardiner, though solicitous of her, had no energy to spare for her today, with guests expected and ill children in the house.

Her aunt’s distraction served her purpose, though, in making her escape that much more easy. even so, it took what elizabeth felt to be quite an inordinate amount of planning for her to make her way to the Darcy townhouse undetected by anyone who should remain unaware that she would be alone with him. Her first step was to gather the courage to inform her aunt of her first plan to call on a young lady of her acquaintance, Miss Harris.

Mrs. Gardiner looked more relieved than concerned by this idea, asking elizabeth only to pass on her compliments to Miss Harris and her mother.

elizabeth, despite a certain degree of guilt at deceiving her aunt in this manner, agreed readily to this, and set forth after breakfast. she walked 167

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several streets in the direction of the Harris house before turning off in the direction of a hackney stand. Heart pounding at her own audacity, she loftily ignored the driver’s askance look at a young lady travelling without so much as a maid as a companion, and directed him to take her to Grosvenor square. From there, she walked to Brook street, and was happy to discover that she could go through the quiet backways past the stable and into the garden of the Darcy house without difficulty. It was then that she discovered that luck—or Providence—was truly with her. Darcy was not only at home, but in the sitting room, which had French doors opening to the garden. taking a deep breath for courage, she rapped lightly on the glass to draw his attention.

to all appearances, Darcy had been reading a newspaper when he heard her knock; but in truth, his mind had been more agreeably occupied with a memory of sitting in this same chair, with elizabeth in his lap. The delight of distracting her with kisses and the softness of her skin beneath his fingers as he had unbuttoned her dress made for a far more pleasant reverie than reading the latest news of the Peninsular War.

It was with surprise and a bit of mild embarrassment at being caught thinking such intimate thoughts of her, that he discovered his unexpected visitor. “elizabeth!” he said, opening the doors to admit her, his pleasure in her appearance evident. “This is a delightful surprise.” He struggled man-fully to turn his thoughts from a desire to make love to her on the spot.

she was relieved to see that he seemed to take her unorthodox method of entry in stride, and her joy at seeing him dissolved any remaining doubts about her behaviour. she had not realized how powerful the urge to be in his arms would be the moment she saw him. With a deep breath, she smiled at him playfully and said, “It is a pleasure to see you, as well. I am glad to have found you at home.”

The brightness of her eyes had its usual bewitching effect on Darcy.

Before he could fall completely under her spell, he glanced into the garden, expecting to see her aunt, or at the very least, a maid. “Is Mrs. Gardiner not with you?” he asked.

elizabeth coloured. This was the moment of truth; she suspected and almost hoped that he would guess her intention as soon as he realized what she had done in coming to him alone and secretly. “I must confess that I came here by myself; I fear that my aunt believes me to be visiting a friend.”

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Darcy’s eyebrows shot up. The last thing he would have expected from elizabeth was that she would go out of her way to be alone with him—and going so far as to deceive her family as to her intent! no sooner had he understood the situation than he realized in what a difficult position he was—it had been easy enough to give her his word that she would be safe from his advances when he believed their opportunities to be alone and private would be limited, but it was another matter completely when she was standing before him wearing a delightfully arch look, and no one in the house but a few servants.

He realized that caution was required if his restraint was to stand, but while his mind was making one set of plans, his heart was not so cooperative.
Why are you fighting this?
he asked himself derisively.
You know full
well you are going to give in to the temptation to kiss her sooner or later; why
delay solely to salvage a bit of pride in your self-control?
He could not voice even to himself the answer to his question—that once he started, there would be nothing to stop him.