By Force of Instinct (25 page)

By FoRce oF InstInct

despite being affectionate, her parents have not always been people Lizzy could
depend
upon in times of need. Lizzy has learned as a result to keep a great deal to herself, and it has been a concern of mine for some time that it might prove difficult for a man to earn her trust.”

He did not know what to make of any of it. His mind kept travelling from Georgiana’s betrayal of him to elizabeth’s lack of belief in him, as he struggled to integrate Mrs. Gardiner’s words into his thoughts. Having seen both Mr. Bennet and Mrs. Bennet interacting with their daughters, he had no difficulty crediting that elizabeth would not feel as if she could rely upon them, but had it become so general a habit for her? she always seemed so strong, so independent—it was difficult to conceive that this could be merely a façade, that she could fear losing him, of all things.

could it be possible that it was not her opinion of
him
that was so tenuous, but herself? to think of his outspoken, vivacious elizabeth as being in some ways fragile was a radical thought, but he rapidly realized that it was not an unpleasant one. He knew instinctively that he could be the one to supply the support she needed, just as she, by her very presence in his life, provided the liveliness and spirit which he had always needed. With a shock, he realized that her very distress at this time could be interpreted as a sign of the depth of her regard for him. This thought gave him a sense of fulfilment that was new to him—even as it drew to his attention the fact that he had always avoided facing the question of elizabeth’s feelings for him. Why was it that he had settled for winning her and never once addressed the question of earning her affection? Why had he assumed that venture to be pointless; and, more importantly, was he prepared to change his view on it?

Decisively, he turned away from the window and went back to sit heavily in his chair. “Mrs. Gardiner, what is it you are trying to suggest to me?” he asked with an indecorous directness.

His guest did not seem to mind, however. “I think, sir, you are going to have to decide whether it is worth the patience it will take to win Lizzy’s trust.”

Darcy sat still, only his fingers moving as they drummed against the armrest of his chair. “And if I do decide it is worth it, what then?” he asked finally.

Mrs. Gardiner gave him a smile of approval. “Then you will need to be 151

Abigail Reynolds

prepared to deal with Lizzy’s fears of allowing herself to care for you, and also, if I do not guess incorrectly, some rather strong feelings of shame over other feelings she might have.”

Fear of allowing herself to care—well, that was not difficult at all for him to understand, after all the months he had fought falling under her spell and surrendering his independence to his need for her. But shame—he could see nothing for her to be ashamed of, apart from having believed his sister a little too readily, and failing to speak with him about it. D-mn Georgiana, anyway! But it hardly seemed as significant as her aunt seemed to suggest. “I fail to see why she should be feeling any shame,” he said with a question in his voice.

“Mr. Darcy, I have been quite frank with you today, but there are certain discussions which I am
not
prepared to have,” said Mrs. Gardiner with a smile which took away the apparent harshness of her words.

Darcy flushed as he took her meaning, feeling rather like a schoolboy found raiding the larder. At the same time, he could not help but be impressed with the combination of nonjudgemental forthrightness and tact in a woman only a few years older than he—elizabeth was fortunate to have such a woman as her aunt in her life.

“Well, sir, I fear I must be going,” said Mrs. Gardiner briskly. “I have a handful of children and a very upset niece at home, and I have been gone too long as it is.”

“Thank you for coming,” he said with deep feeling. “you have given me a great deal to think about.”

He walked her to the door where he found a hired carriage waiting.

Abruptly, before he even had a chance to think through his offer, he said, “Would you do me the honour of permitting me to drive you home, madam?”

she gave him a shrewd look. “That would be delightful, thank you, Mr.

Darcy.”

elizabeth had spent the hours of her aunt’s absence closeted in her room. Her spirits had gone from a state of extreme troublement to a present sense of numb emptiness. Her regrets for her earlier behaviour were intense and intolerable. How could she have said such things, knowing this was the man with whom she would have to spend her life? Foolish, foolish 152

By FoRce oF InstInct

girl! she admonished herself yet again. Matters were bad enough—did you have to provoke more trouble? Is a state of armed warfare truly what you desire?

she knew that she would have to make her apologies to Darcy, and the very idea made her cringe. she did not
want
to apologize, and doing so merely for the sake of peace went against the grain, yet she knew it must be done. How she was ever to live with her feelings about the present situation she did not know, but learn to live with it she must.

she had gone so far as to attempt to write to Darcy, but the exercise only made her cry once more. she knew that she needed a distraction, but felt unequal even to playing with the children. she was aware that her aunt would not tolerate this withdrawal for any length of time, and she would need to make an appearance soon. When the maid came to tell her that Mrs. Gardiner had returned and her presence was required below, she knew there was little point in hiding further.

It was not until she entered the sitting room that she realized her aunt was not alone. she grew pale when she saw Mr. Darcy, his eyes intently upon her, his expression unreadable. What was she to say?

Mrs. Gardiner took her arm. “Lizzy, you look unwell; please sit down,”

she said, guiding her to a chair. Leaning over her, she said softly in her ear,

“Please talk to him, my dear. He needs you, and you could do well to believe in him.” she kissed elizabeth’s cheek lightly, and then, to her niece’s horror, left the two of them alone.

elizabeth struggled to find the words she had sought earlier for an apology, and was still gathering her courage to look up when Darcy crossed the room to kneel before her. He took both her hands in his, pressing a kiss on each. she could scarcely credit what a profound relief it was to her to have him there, looking at her with undisguised caring.

Darcy suddenly discovered that he had thought no further than being in her company, as if his presence would be enough to communicate everything to her. Her apparent distress made it even more difficult to collect his thoughts. “My dearest, please forgive me for my anger this morning; I did not understand the situation; but, even so, I should have stayed to hear you out in any case,” he finally managed to say. “It is not true, what Georgiana told you. The truth is that since I met you last autumn, I have barely given any other woman a second thought. I love you, elizabeth—ardently, pas-153

Abigail Reynolds

sionately, and beyond all reasonable measure, and you cannot rid yourself of me, because I cannot do without you.”

A stab of shame went through her with the realization that he knew what had caused her distress. she wanted desperately to believe him but did not dare. “I am sorry as well for what I said earlier,” she forced herself to say, her voice trembling. “But I cannot understand why Georgiana would have made up such a thing.”

Darcy looked down at her hands, so tightly held in his own. “I cannot say, my heart; she was very angry at me for something I told her, and perhaps this was her way of striking back—if so, it has been remarkably effective, for I cannot imagine a way to hurt me more than by harming your trust in me.” He took a deep breath, aware of the risk he was taking, but knowing anything less than full honesty at this moment could do still greater damage. “I will tell you the truth, though I am not proud of it—this was not a complete fabrication on her part. There was a woman some years ago, but I swear to you, it was over long before I met you, and I do not know how Georgiana even came to hear of it.”

tears started in elizabeth’s eyes. It was painful to conceive of another woman even in his past, though she knew that it would have been far more surprising had there not been at least one, and more likely many. His confession had the power, however, to convince her of the truth of the rest of his assertion, that she had no present reason for concern, and she felt as if a weight had dropped away from her.

seeing the change in her expression, Darcy took her in his arms with an inarticulate sound. Holding her head to his shoulder, he whispered, “I am so sorry, my dearest, for hurting you; I would do anything to take the pain away.”

she allowed herself the comfort of his embrace for only a few moments before she pulled away. At his look of dismay at her withdrawal, she took his hand and said shakily, “Thank you for your honesty. It is painful, but I would rather have the truth.”

“I will never lie to you, my heart. you know that I abhor all forms of disguise, and I have always admired you for your forthrightness and honesty.”

elizabeth felt almost as if she did not know the man before her. she had never seen him like this before, with a directness and an intensity new to him. Without words, she knew that he was asking more of her than he 154

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ever had in the past. she hardly knew what to make of his behaviour and feared her own vulnerability to it and to him. calling on her pride to protect her, she raised her chin slightly as she said, “Then if we are to be honest, let us be honest about this engagement, as well. I know it is not what you intended, not after my family’s disgrace. I appreciate your readiness to protect my reputation, but let us not pretend this was not something you wished to avoid.”

He gave her a look of incredulity. “Wished to avoid? What could possibly give you such an idea? I have wanted to marry you since long before Hunsford, and there has never been a time since then when I would not have proposed to you in a minute had I felt certain of your response! Had your uncle not interrupted us, I would have been begging your acceptance as soon as I could bring myself to let you go!”

The moment of trust she had felt earlier faded painfully, and she said coldly, “I appreciate your concern for my feelings, Mr. Darcy, but the truth of the matter is you left netherfield to avoid me and then avoided me further in London. I am not blaming you—I understand why you could no longer look at me as marriageable at that point, but I cannot act as if it never happened.”

“Is
this
what you have been imagining?” Though stunned by her assertion, Darcy could not help smiling at her misunderstanding, and he gently smoothed a stray lock of her hair. “My dearest elizabeth, my love, I was staying away because I thought that
you
wanted nothing more to do with
me
—and even then, I did it badly; if you had not come to my house that night, I would have come seeking you out, because I could not stay away.”

“Why would you think that I wanted nothing to do with you after … after how I had greeted you at Longbourn?” demanded elizabeth, incredulous in her own turn, and more than a little mortified to be forced to refer to her own inappropriate behaviour.

They had reached the point he had dreaded since he first heard of her sister’s elopement. Darcy closed his eyes, reluctant to voice this reminder of his sins. “Because what happened to your sister was my fault. I heard first from your uncle, and then in a letter from Bingley, that you could not forgive yourself for failing to expose Wickham for what he was; if you could not forgive
yourself
after I had asked for your secrecy, how could I think you would ever forgive me, who was so much more at fault?”

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she examined him carefully, trying to assess the truth of his words, and suddenly found herself able to recognize again the man she had come to love. Her face softened at his obvious distress. “It never crossed my mind to blame you then, and I would not now.” Her mind turned to that time when she had returned to Longbourn only to discover him gone, and the agonizing loss that had haunted her. Feeling on the verge of tears, she bit her lip and turned her face away in an attempt to control herself.

“What is it, my heart?” asked Darcy urgently, reading all too clearly the pain in her face. elizabeth shook her head vehemently, unwilling to expose her vulnerability so blatantly. His voice turned soft and cajoling. “Please tell me—please
trust
me enough to tell me what troubles you.”

Finding this unanswerable, she closed her eyes and said, “All I knew was that I hurried home, wanting nothing more than to be with you and to feel the comfort of your presence, and you were gone.” Her voice cracked slightly on the last words.

Feeling the full weight of his own failures, Darcy bowed his head, resting his forehead on the backs of her hands. It was a moment before he was able to speak. “no wonder you did not want to accept my proposal. How you must have hated me! I am a fool, and worse than a fool. Had I known you wanted me, I would have been by your side, even if I had to crawl every inch of the way from London.”

something in his tone eased her fears. “I
never
hated you, not for a minute,” she said gently. she bent to kiss his dark curls lightly, causing him to look up at her with a question in his eyes. she continued, “I did want to accept your proposal—I wanted it more than anything, but I did not want you to be forced into marrying me when it was not in your best interest.”

“you were trying to protect
me
?” he asked, hardly able to credit her words.

“you
wanted
to accept me?

“yes,” she said with a rueful smile. “It seems we have both been making a great many assumptions about the other.”

What a comedy of errors!
he thought as his eyes met hers in a look which spoke volumes. He recalled what Mrs. Gardiner had said about trust, and tried to put his feelings into words. “Apparently so, but you may be absolutely certain, my heart—I want nothing more than for you to be my wife, without a single doubt or question, and you are the only woman in the world for me.”