By Force of Instinct (26 page)

156

By FoRce oF InstInct

elizabeth found his words both reassuring and a little frightening in their strength. Her eyes roamed over his face, and then came to rest on his hands, firm, capable, and strong around her own. she heard her aunt’s words again in her mind:
He needs you, and you could do well to believe in
him
. A sense of hope which had felt gone forever began to blossom in her again.

seeing the light in her eyes, Darcy wanted nothing more than to kiss her, to feel her forgiveness in the only way he could fully accept, but he knew that this was not the place, and moreover, that he had likely already made her unhappy with his physical demands of her. “elizabeth,” he said hesitantly.

“yes, Fitzwilliam?” she looked into his eyes, trying to communicate the regard that she could not yet speak.

“Have I been troubling you with … my demands?”

He looked for a moment so much like a guilty child denied a treat that elizabeth was half-tempted to laugh, but it was clear that this was a subject of deep gravity for him. she wondered how much he had guessed of the embarrassment she felt over her desire for him. “sir, it is not your behaviour that troubles me, but my own,” she said softly.

He lifted her hands to his lips again. “your behaviour gives me nothing but joy.”

Her cheeks flamed, and she dropped her eyes.

He continued, regretful acceptance in his voice, “But I can see it is not the same for you. I must apologize for my selfishness,” he said, his thumbs tracing circles on the back of her hands. “When I have been with you, I have been thinking only of my own desires and not concerning myself enough with your feelings, and I shall not forgive myself for it easily. In my impatience, I have demanded more of you than is my right, and I fear that you have been paying the price for it. But no longer—you need not fear being alone with me; I shall not again attempt to take advantage of the situation.” He tightened his hands on hers momentarily, then released them.

on impulse, before he could draw away, elizabeth put her hand to his cheek and kissed him, briefly but with unrestrained passion, then moved away almost as quickly. surprised by her own action, she glanced quickly toward the door, hoping they had not been observed. When she looked back, she found Darcy gazing at her with a warmth that fluttered her pulses.

157

Abigail Reynolds

“How dearly I love you,” he said, his voice rich with feeling. “never forget it, my heart.”

His unaffected sincerity moved elizabeth deeply, though it made her feel at the same moment shy. she could not yet be so direct with him, but wanted him to know of her appreciation. “Thank you for coming back; I was quite desolate after our argument. I will try to have greater faith in you in the future.”

“elizabeth!” His voice carried unrestrained emotion at her admission.

The tenderness with which she was gazing at him gave him hope that her deeper affections might yet be his, and the more he thought on it, the more he desired it. He wanted to see her lovely eyes light up when he walked into the room, and to know he was the source of her joy as she was of his; to be the one she would turn to when she felt desolate or afraid, and to be assured she would welcome him when he was in pain. And her kisses—he wanted her to feel the same pleasure and freedom in his embrace that he did whenever he so much as touched her, with no sense of guilt or shame.

But that part would take patience, something of which he was in short supply when it came to the subject of the lovely and tempting Miss elizabeth Bennet. Having tasted her passion already, it would be painful to let it go for now, but let it go he must. He tore his thoughts away from the softness of her lips, and somehow forced himself to move to the relative safety of the chair next to hers, where he could enjoy the warmth of her gaze without the immediate danger of losing himself to temptation.

158

Chapter 9

“Madeleine,” said Mr. Gardiner, the tone of his voice expressing grave displeasure. “What ever was in your mind when you left the two of them alone?”

Mrs. Gardiner sighed. Her husband’s countenance had been grim ever since arriving home to find his niece alone with Darcy in the sitting room, he whispering intimately in her ear and holding her hand in his. Mrs.

Gardiner approached him and slipped her arms around his waist, laying her head on his shoulder. “Would you prefer the practical reason, or the general justification, my love?”

It was very difficult, reflected Mr. Gardiner, to remain vexed with his wife when she behaved so prettily. “I would imagine that I should hear both,” he said in a somewhat gentler voice.

“Practical y, edward has been il al day and requiring my attention, and it seemed to me that it would be quite rude to suggest that Mr. Darcy could not be left alone with Lizzy for a few minutes, especial y with the door open.

But I must say that I think it best to al ow them a certain leeway. I know that you disapprove, but their attachment is passionate, and I would rather find them holding hands or even stealing a kiss here than risk them becoming desperate enough for each other to find some way to steal off together without anyone’s eye on them.” she looked up at him to assess his response.

He was not to be mollified. “you have the knack for making the most unusual argument seem sensible, my dear, but I cannot and will not accept 159

Abigail Reynolds

this—this is
my
house! surely you can see that I cannot permit this—what if one of the girls should happen in? Do I explain that it is acceptable for Lizzy, because her intended has such
passionate
feelings for her, but will not be acceptable for them? I think not!”

With another sigh, she said, “I suppose not, my love—but will you please be gentle with her? I believe that she and Mr. Darcy had a very serious quarrel today, and have only just reconciled.”

He looked at her with concern. “What was the cause of this quarrel, do you know?”

“I do know, but I shall not tell you—it has all been resolved, and it was based on misinformation. It would only spoil your digestion to know,” she said with a smile.

With a suspicious look, he replied, “I somehow suspect that there is more here than meets the eye, but I know better than to argue when you have that look to you. Very well, keep your own counsel; I will trust you.”

she kissed him lightly. “I will return to them now, so that you need worry no more about them.”

“I
will
be speaking to Lizzy later,” he reiterated.

“yes, my dear, I know,” she said.

When she retired that night elizabeth was too exhausted for anything save sleep; but when she opened her eyes in the morning, her mind was still distracted and unsettled by all that had happened the previous day. she found much to be ashamed of in her own behaviour—Darcy was correct, she thought, to think that she should have had enough faith in him to ask him directly about his sister’s accusation. There was the matter of Georgiana, as well; it was evident that she and elizabeth were to be starting their new relationship on the very shakiest of terms. elizabeth was willing to grant her grounds for jealousy; but, knowing the truth, she could not ignore the fact that her future sister had deliberately misled her in a manner which was both painful and destructive. she had not spoken with Darcy, but she could only assume that he would be angered by his sister’s behaviour.

she felt no better about matters with her uncle. After Darcy’s departure the previous day, Mr. Gardiner had taken her into his study for a tongue-lashing even more severe than the one he had delivered after discovering her with Darcy that evening at his townhouse.
In my house, under my roof,
160

By FoRce oF InstInct

I expect that you will obey my rules,
he had said.
If this degree of discipline is
beyond your capacities, I am sorry to say that you will not be welcome here any
longer.
she was stung by his icy tone, but hurt far more by the rejection he offered; the Gardiners’ house had been like a second home to her, and to be so summarily dismissed for what she thought to be a minor violation was wounding. After the emotional stresses of the day, it had been almost more than she could take in.

she was longing to see Darcy; at the moment, he felt like her only ally.

she knew that he could not be less troubled by those same events which had so angered Mr. Gardiner. she recalled what he had said the previous day, the look in his eyes attesting to the truth of his words:
Your behaviour
gives me nothing but joy
.

Her distress with her uncle, and the anguish of self-rebuke were tempered by Darcy’s different understanding of her feelings. He, she recognized, did not see them as inappropriate. This was so much the opposite of what she had always been told that a man would desire in a woman; it was difficult to credit that Darcy might not prefer her to be more passive in these matters; but, it was clear he did not.

Later that morning, as she was impatiently awaiting Mr. Darcy’s daily call, her aunt joined her briefly in the sitting room. elizabeth, cognizant of the dilemma her aunt faced in needing to chaperone her, as well as having a sick child to attend to, offered to walk out with Mr. Darcy to reduce the burden on her.

“If you wish, my dear, you certainly may; or you may stay here—I have no concerns on that regard either,” said Mrs. Gardiner.

elizabeth coloured, certain that her aunt was referring to the scolding she had received. “no, you need have no concerns,” she said civilly, if not completely happily.

Her aunt paused, and looked at her sympathetically. “you know, my dear, there is nothing at all unusual in your desire to be with Mr. Darcy; in fact, I would say it speaks well of your affection for him. It is one of the mysteries of conventional society to me—how when we determine that a
behaviour
should not occur, instead of saying as much, we say instead that no one should
want
to behave in such a manner, as if the wanting and the behaviour were the same and one. you have a passionate nature, Lizzy, and it is not something of which you need be ashamed.”

161

Abigail Reynolds

This all too perceptive statement embarrassed elizabeth yet further, but at the same time was reassuring—if Mrs. Gardiner, whom she admired, saw nothing shameful in her desires, perhaps she was not quite as alone in her feelings as she had thought. “Thank you,” she replied. “It has been rather … confusing.”

“I can imagine,” said her aunt, kissing her cheek with an understanding smile before leaving to attend to the children.

When Mr. Darcy arrived, elizabeth greeted him with a pleasure that took his breath away. He had felt some slight concern as to how she would feel this morning after their conflict the day before, but the light in her eyes when she saw him went beyond reassuring him and into the realm of delight. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and carry her off with him, but he had given the matter substantial thought, and had made the unhappy determination that for elizabeth’s sake it was necessary for him to be the perfect gentleman for the duration of their engagement.

He hoped fervently that her parents would not insist on a long engagement, given the difficulty he was foreseeing in keeping his resolve, especially when she looked at him with such open affection.

elizabeth, not wishing to discuss the episode with her uncle, followed up on her idea of walking out, which met with his agreement.
At least this way
I can be by his side, and touch his arm with no shame to it,
she thought.

Darcy could not regret the greater warmth with which elizabeth was suddenly treating him; it went a long way to meet his need for her affection.

It did, however, try his resolve, especially when she would hold herself close to his arm, and he found that he needed to banish any thoughts of desire completely from his mind in order to maintain his composure.

Although the visit was a pleasant one, elizabeth could not help but notice the absence of the passionate looks and forward conversation that had previously characterized Mr. Darcy’s conduct during their walks. to her mortification, she discovered that she missed them, and the stimulating sense of connection they gave her. It was as if he had suddenly shut off that part of their bond, and while she knew intellectually that it was done deliberately and on her behalf, she could not help but regret its absence.

she bade him farewell that afternoon with regret, her disappointment the greater for knowing that she would not have the opportunity to see him the following day, as her uncle would be entertaining business associ-162

By FoRce oF InstInct

ates. Darcy could not help lingering over her hand as well, giving himself the leeway in these last moments to allow some of his desire for her to show in his expression as he told her quietly that he would miss her.

elizabeth was feeling rather wistful herself after his departure, but was soon distracted by the appearance of the maid in the doorway with a newly-arrived letter for her. elizabeth saw that it was in an unfamiliar hand, and opened it with some curiosity. It began without salutation:
You can be at no loss to understand the reason for this letter. I have heard the
report of your engagement to my nephew. I am most seriously displeased to
even consider that you would act with such cal ous disregard for his honour
and his duty to his family, as well as to his place in the world, as to entice
him in with your arts and al urements! Had he retained the use of his reason,
he would never have embarked upon a venture so contrary to the wishes of
his mother and all of her family! Do you pay no regard to the wishes of his
friends? Are you lost to every feeling of propriety and delicacy?

Your own honour, decorum, prudence, nay, interest, should forbid such a
marriage! Yes, your own interest; for do not expect to be noticed by his family
or friends if you wilfully act against the inclinations of al . I assure you that
such a marriage will never be recognized by his family, and that you will
make him an outcast among those he holds dearest. You will be censured,
slighted, and despised by every one connected with him. Your al iance will be
a disgrace; your name will never even be mentioned by any of us.