By Force of Instinct (11 page)

elizabeth had abandoned any effort to determine what Mr. Darcy was thinking after his startling acceptance of the invitation to dine at her uncle’s house.
There is simply no accounting for it
, she thought.
Although I might
like to believe that he has put his pride aside, it is obvious from his attitude on
his arrival that this is not the case. He is clearly more than a little whimsical in
his feelings about me.
she looked over to see the sheen of joy in Jane’s eyes, and with a sudden rush of gratitude, favoured Darcy with a bright smile.

she almost immediately regretted the impulse; looking up into his dark eyes brought back memories of his kiss which she was trying to suppress, and an ache deep within her.
If anyone here knew what had passed between
us, there would be no answering for the consequences!
she thought, glancing at her uncle, whose views on the need for absolute propriety she knew well, and she bit her lip as a slight blush rose in her cheeks.

The ladies withdrew shortly thereafter, to the relief of Darcy, who had been experiencing desires of a most improper—and no doubt unwelcome—nature since receiving elizabeth’s dazzling smile. He did not know what had prompted it, nor what made her so obviously regret it only a moment later, but it was so much the stuff of his dreams that it was impossible not to carry them further in his mind, to imagine taking her into his arms and feeling her softness against him, to see her face lit with that smile when her hair and clothing were dishevelled from his lovemaking.

It was a welcome distraction therefore when the discussion among the gentlemen turned to a rather heated debate on politics. It seemed to catch Bingley, who had missed much of the earlier conversations, by surprise, and he became stumblingly defensive when Brewer, apparently still in ig-65

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norance of the financial worth of Darcy and Bingley, began to espouse extremist positions on the unnatural distinctions of hereditary wealth and privilege. Darcy could sit back and take a more amused position, being both less perturbable and having grown accustomed to this sort of thing during his cambridge days. When Mr. Gardiner, in his capacity as host, began to attempt to stem the flow of the discourse, Darcy said, “Mr. Brewer, you state that wealth breeds idleness, causing its possessors to neglect the duties incumbent on them, but to this I say that this is as faulty a generali-zation as that of females being ineducable. Were I to suggest that you, by no further criteria than your class, were an envious sycophant seeking only to earn those same riches, you would by rights call this unfair, yet you are unprepared to admit that there may be those among the more prosperous who do attend to their responsibilities and act in a way driven by virtue.

Are there not benevolent legislators and landowners? And by what right do you paint them with the same brush as the indolent and self-indulgent among them?”

“By that same right, Mr. Darcy, that those classes view those beneath them as unworthy and undeserving, and deny the possibility of value and virtue independent of wealth!”

“you think all the upper classes as close-minded as that?” asked Darcy, an eyebrow raised.

“yes, otherwise why do we find such rigid distinctions between the classes? Why are the merchants of London not invited to the events of the
ton
?

recalling with discomfort his words to elizabeth about the objectionable position of her family and the degradation of his making such a connection, he was forced to admit he had indeed scorned the gentry of Hertfordshire as not being worthy of him for no further reason than their lack of social status, and he could not recall the last time he had been among such mixed company as this—
most likely not since Cambridge, when I would have been
ashamed of being able to make such a statement!
he thought. It was painful recognition, especially when he had just experienced a more stimulating evening of discourse among people against whom his pride would have revolted than he had known in years among the
ton
. “I do not claim such understanding for all,” he said steadily, “only that it not be discounted of existing.” He felt a sudden longing for elizabeth to be by his side.

Having gained general agreement to the existence of exceptions to the 66

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rule, Mr. Gardiner, having observed the changes in Darcy’s countenance, turned the discussion to the Peninsular campaign, a subject in which Bingley was more able to hold his own. Darcy retreated into his thoughts, wondering bleakly what had become of the ideals of his younger days.

By the time they rejoined the ladies, Darcy had brought himself to the point of feeling quite unworthy of elizabeth. Thinking back to some of the misguided things he had said to her on that night in Hunsford, he decided that she had been quite right to refuse him—she deserved far better than him. He did not look at her as they entered, and took a seat as distant from the others as civility allowed, desirous only to be gone as soon as possible.

During this interval elizabeth’s thoughts had been much with him as well, although outwardly she was as happily intent on discussing the meaning of Mr. Bingley’s return as the other ladies. she still could make no sense of his behaviour, but recalling how much she had misunderstood him in the past, she was determined not to allow herself to make quick judgments on him again. And she had seen much to admire in him that day, from the appearance of Bingley, which must be credited to his account, to the sentiments he had expressed in the discussions. If he had held himself back initially in his haughty manner, he had also let down some of his guard and treated the others with respect as time went on. With these thoughts, she had allowed herself to anticipate his entrance, unable to deny that her indifference toward him was slipping, only to discover him avoiding her eyes and her company. she could settle it in no way that gave her pleasure.

she resolved not to allow herself to be made unhappy over his vagaries, though, and engaged the others in conversation until Darcy made his excuses to Mrs. Gardiner and collected Bingley. Both Mr. Gardiner and Mr.

Monkhouse expressed their pleasure in making their acquaintance, and a hope of seeing them both again in the future.

elizabeth, pursuant to her aunt’s direction, silently joined Jane to see the gentlemen to their carriage. If Darcy wished to be withdrawn and quiet, she resolved, she would not challenge it. Their silence provided a vivid contrast to Bingley, who was brushing the edges of propriety in his closeness to Jane and the intimacy of his tone to her. It was not until they were outside the door that elizabeth bade Darcy good night in the manner she would employ for a casual acquaintance.

The sight of Jane and Bingley gazing into one another’s eyes was more 67

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than Darcy’s spirits could bear after his recent revelations. “I hope I have not troubled you with my presence, Miss Bennet,” he said with the bitter taste of defeat in his mouth. “It had been my intention on leaving rosings to bring Bingley here before your arrival, but unfortunately, he did not return to town until yesterday. I do not imagine that he will have any difficulty in returning on his own.”

so he had, in fact, wished to avoid her altogether.
That should hardly
come as a surprise,
she reprimanded herself on feeling a stab of pain at the idea, reminding herself that she had no reason to desire his good opinion, nor he any reason to give it. she lifted her chin and forced herself to look him in the eye while Bingley was exchanging some soft, intense words with Jane. “you have not troubled me in the slightest, sir, and I have not yet had the opportunity to thank you for the book,” she said.

Darcy looked uncomfortable. When she looked up at him like that, it was impossible for him to forget the sensation of her lips beneath his. “If you enjoy it, Miss Bennet, that is the only thanks I could desire.”

“I do enjoy it,” she said quietly. “It was generous of you.”

He closed his eyes for a moment as if in pain. The cover of darkness combined with the frankness of the earlier discussions seemed to give him a certain permission to be more direct than he might have been in other circumstances. “Miss Bennet, it was not
generous
of me. I wanted to give you all that is mine, but to my misfortune, I discovered that I only possessed two things which you wanted: another chance for Mr. Bingley and your sister, and a book.” He paused for a deep breath, and took her hand for the last time. “I hope you enjoy them in good health, and that you someday find all the happiness which you deserve. Goodbye, Miss Bennet.” His voice carried finality as he raised her hand to his lips and kissed it lightly, trying to store the sensation in his memory. He turned and strode to the carriage without looking back, with Bingley following closely at his heels.

“Goodbye,” said a stricken elizabeth softly to the empty air before her, wondering more than ever if she had known what she was about when she refused him.

As soon as the carriage drove away, Jane caught elizabeth’s arm with excitement. “oh, Lizzy, he asked if he could call tomorrow! He said that he had never known I was in London until Mr. Darcy had told him. And when I told him we were returning to Longbourn soon, he said that he was 68

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considering a return to netherfield. Lizzy, it cannot be true, can it?”

elizabeth forced a smile to her lips. “I am certain it
is
true!,” she said.

“My dearest Jane, I think you are in very great danger of making him as much in love with you as ever.”
And I am in grave danger of regretting
that which I might have had, if only I had been wiser in my discernments,
she thought remorsefully, before taking her sister’s arm affectionately with every intent of portraying good cheer for Jane’s sake despite the loss she was feeling in her heart.

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Chapter 4

Bingley was as good as his word, and indeed called at the Gardiners’

house again the following day, and appeared more enamoured of Jane than ever. elizabeth had no doubt that matters would be speedily resolved between them, now that Darcy had apparently given his blessing to the union. What this meant for
her
was more questionable; although she was longing to acquaint Jane with the events at rosings and to receive her comfort, she no longer felt that she could justify it. The relief that she would feel at sharing her story with Jane could not be balanced by the sense of violating Darcy’s confidence; to all appearances he would not be a former acquaintance but rather the best friend of her husband. nor did she wish to place Jane in an uncomfortable position when the eventuality would arise of Darcy and herself being together in her company, as was certain to happen at some point or other if the match proceeded. With regret she came to the conclusion that prudence forbade the disclosure.

It was only a few days later that the young ladies set out together from Gracechurch-street for the town of in Hertfordshire; and, as they drew near the appointed inn where Mr. Bennet’s carriage was to meet them, they quickly perceived, in token of the coachman’s punctuality, both Kitty and Lydia looking out of a dining room upstairs. These two girls had been above an hour in the place, happily employed in visiting an opposite mil-liner, watching the sentinel on guard, and dressing a salad and cucumber.

After welcoming their sisters, they triumphantly displayed a table set out 70

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with such cold meat as an inn larder usually affords, exclaiming, “Is not this nice? is not this an agreeable surprise?”

“And we mean to treat you all,” added Lydia; “but you must lend us the money, for we have just spent ours at the shop out there.” Then showing her purchase, she said, “Look here, I have bought this bonnet. I do not think it is very pretty; but I thought I might as well buy it as not. I shall pull it to pieces as soon as I get home, and see if I can make it up any better.”

And when her sisters abused it as ugly, she added, with perfect unconcern, “oh! but there were two or three much uglier in the shop; and when I have bought some prettier coloured satin to trim it with fresh, I think it will be very tolerable.”

elizabeth could not help thinking of the company she had left, both in Gracechurch street and at rosings Park, and how favourably it compared to that of her younger sisters. Their manner of speech and insensibility grated on her ears now even more than it had in the past, reminding her once again of Darcy’s letter and his cutting description of the defects of her family. How had she ever tolerated it?

Lydia continued, “Besides, it will not much signify what one wears this summer after the shire have left Meryton, and they are going in a fortnight.”

“Are they indeed?” cried elizabeth, with the greatest satisfaction.

“They are going to be encamped near Brighton; and I do so want papa to take us all there for the summer! It would be such a delicious scheme, and I dare say would hardly cost any thing at all. Mamma would like to go too, of all things! only think what a miserable summer else we shall have!”

Yes,
thought elizabeth, that would be a delightful scheme, indeed, and completely do for us at once. Good Heaven! Brighton, and a whole camp-ful of soldiers, to us, who have been overset already by one poor regiment of militia, and the monthly balls of Meryton.

“now I have got some news for you,” said Lydia, as they sat down to table.

“What do you think? It is excellent news, capital news, and about a certain person that we all like.”

Jane and elizabeth looked at each other, and the waiter was told that he need not stay. Lydia laughed, and said, “Aye, that is just like your formality and discretion. you thought the waiter must not hear, as if he cared! I dare say he often hears worse things said than I am going to say. But he 71

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