By Force of Instinct (7 page)

“elizabeth,” he said unsteadily.

she knew that she should rebuke his familiarity, but she seemed frozen 40

By FoRce oF InstInct

in place by the sound of his voice intimately shaping the syllables of her name. Without knowing what she did, elizabeth closed her eyes against the sight of him, and a moment later she felt his warm breath against her cheek, followed by the gentle pressure of his lips upon hers. A shock of exquisite sensation ran through her. she had never before experienced such a delectable feeling, and was astonished by the pleasure that the caresses of his lips brought to her. There was no past or future in that moment, no remembrance of their contentious history, just awareness of the heat of desire flaring between them.

Darcy, already scarcely able to believe that he was in fact finally claiming her lips, felt any remaining judgment disappear at the evidence of her response. The pleasure he found in her kiss was even more intense than he had ever imagined, and he had certainly imagined it often enough. Driven by a need beyond his control, he began to express more of the urgency he felt in his kisses, feeling her hesitancy move into acquiescence as the pleasure he brought her drew her onward.

elizabeth felt lost in a whirl of pure sensation. she was discovering a need she had never known that she possessed, and it seemed that only he could meet it. she gasped as his fingers touched the tender skin of her neck, leaving a trail of fire as they moved to cradle the back of her head. she could not say how her hands had found their way to his shoulders, but the sense of his strength beneath them made her long for his embrace, and the intimate sensation of his other hand on her waist only intensified her yearning.

It was her increasing desire that brought to her attention the complete impropriety—nay, the insanity—of her behaviour. Her eyes flew open, but even upon this realization she could not immediately tear herself away from the intoxicating sensation of his lips upon hers, not when his kisses and caresses were sending rushes of a pleasure completely new to her through her body. It was only a sudden sense of shame that gave her the strength of will to push herself away from him. What folly could possibly be inducing her to permit such advances from any man, much less Mr. Darcy? she was aghast at the discovery of her own pleasure in it, and her voice shook as she said indignantly, “Mr. Darcy!”

As soon as Darcy first felt her stiffen beneath his hands, a sinking feeling of despair pervaded him. The look of horror on her face told him everything he needed to know. He knew that her rebuke was fully merited, but 41

Abigail Reynolds

to have felt that brief moment of hope, that these last two weeks had been a nightmare from which he was now awakening in the arms of his beloved, and then to have it snatched away so abruptly … he could not bear it. His mouth set in grim lines, and the apology that he knew he should make seemed caught in his throat.

elizabeth saw the coldness descend on his face, and knew not whether she was more injured or angered by it. “If you will excuse me, sir,” she said bitingly, suddenly in desperate need to be away from him.

He watched as she turned and walked away rapidly, finally breaking into a run just before she disappeared around the bend. “Idiot!” he castigated himself harshly, running his hand through his hair. What had possessed him to kiss her, to ruin the brief moment of amicability they had shared earlier?
Do you need it engraved upon you? She wants nothing to do with you!

He had been a fool to think her response signified anything beyond being taken by surprise, but the taste of her pleasure had been so sweet … A depth of pain and desolation which he had not felt since the night of her refusal came over him, and bitterly he forced himself to turn back towards rosings.

elizabeth ran until she could go no further, finally collapsing against a tree to catch her breath. Her flight had taken her away from him, but unfortunately she could not leave her feelings behind so easily. she leaned her head back, wondering what on earth had come over her to allow him to kiss her, to
want
his kisses. she had never felt such wanton desires before, and could not comprehend how Mr. Darcy, who had angered and injured her so deeply, could possibly be the recipient of them. she told herself firmly that it was only the moment that had led to her unacceptable behaviour, but her honesty forced her to admit that it was he, more than the moment, that drew her.

she began to walk again in the direction of the parsonage. How could she have travelled from a place of such fervent dislike to feeling an incomprehensible attraction for him? she had known him for many months without feeling he had any particular appeal; why should it change now?

Her steps slowed as she came to the startling realization that she had never been honest with herself about him—that the very degree of offence that she had taken at his insulting words at the Meryton assembly had been an indication of her sense of his magnetism, and she realized that in tak-42

By FoRce oF InstInct

ing such a pronounced dislike to him, she had in essence been protecting herself from developing feelings for an unattainable man whom she found attractive and who challenged her in a way few others did.

As she realized the implications of her self-deception, her sense of distress grew. Had she not taken so strong a dislike to him, she would have questioned Wickham’s unlikely story. she would not have blinded herself to the growing evidence of his attraction to her—evidence that even charlotte was able to see. An unwilling smile began to tug at the corners of her mouth as she recognized that Darcy himself had paid an enormous price for his discourteous comment. on the other hand, it had cost her a great deal as well.

she raised her hands to her flushed cheeks. It seemed to be her fate to wander these lanes wondering how she could ever bring herself to face Mr.

Darcy again. she was utterly ashamed of her own behaviour, and could not begin to imagine what he would think of her for permitting his advances. It would certainly confirm his expectations of her as a member of the Bennet family.

she wondered what had caused him to kiss her. It certainly must have been a triumph for him that she permitted it—was that the motivation, to demonstrate that he could cause her to accept that which she had rebuffed?

It was beyond comprehension to think that he could have forgiven her acrimonious refusal, but what was she to make of his behaviour? For each time he seemed to seek her out, there was another when he avoided her in obvious angry contempt.

If he had kissed her out of a continuing devotion, it could only be worse for her. He would have every right to certain expectations of her after she permitted—participated in—his kisses, expectations which she needed to counter as quickly as possible.
If he understood it as a confirmation of my
feelings for him, then I will indeed be in difficulties,
she thought, frantically trying to devise a way to communicate to him that it had been a mistake on her part, rather than an attempt to invite his addresses. she wanted more than anything to flee Kent forever, and to throw herself into Jane’s understanding embrace, but the taste of his kiss was still upon her lips, and there was no escape from the feelings it had caused.

43

Chapter 3

Darcy was unable to comprehend how he had been fool enough to lower his guard to elizabeth Bennet once again.
It is not as if she
had not been clear and definite in her position the first time, but no,
you had to hope for a softening in her regard!
he condemned himself harshly.

It did not help to remind himself of how ill-judged her words and actions had been; all he could think of was his own foolishness.
Wel , at least you
need have no doubt now—she wants nothing to do with you, now or ever.
The bitterest part by far, though, was the realization he had come to when he kissed her, that regardless of what she felt for him or what faults she might have, he was still as violently in love with her as ever, and there was nothing to be done for it.

The pain of it did not leave him night or day; even Georgiana, who had seemed determined to annoy him in every possible instance, had begun to tread carefully in face of his unexplained dark mood. colonel Fitzwilliam, thinking that their prolonged stay at rosings accounted for it, clapped him on the back and reminded him they would be leaving soon enough. Then, at odd moments, the memory of how it felt to claim her lips, to feel her response and her hands upon him would overtake him, and the sweetness of it would be almost more than he could bear. sometimes he even felt a moment of hope before the memory of her outraged look came to him and he tumbled once more into the depths of anger and despair.

He knew that as a gentleman he should make his apologies to her for his 44

By FoRce oF InstInct

behaviour, and her accusations of his ungentlemanlike manner resounded bitterly in his head when he thought of it. she had the right of it in this case, he knew, for he was also aware that he would not be calling on her to do so, not because he had no regrets but because he could not trust himself in her presence. His feelings had already taken him too far beyond the confines of society’s rules, and he could envision only too easily that he could be reduced to begging her to reconsider. He could imagine nothing more humiliating.

on the second day after his ill-fated encounter with elizabeth, his uncle discovered him in the dark corner of the library to which he had retreated in an effort to avoid his cousin’s genial invitations to call at the parsonage.

“There you are, Darcy,” Lord Derby declared. “What a young man like you is doing hiding indoors on such a fine day is beyond me. When I was your age, I would have been out and about the countryside, but all the young men these days seem to prefer only indoor amusements. Well, enough of that; I want to have a word with you.”

“yes, uncle,” responded Darcy, his voice unwelcoming. It was perfectly true that he was hiding; if he went out, there was not only the possibility that he might accidentally encounter elizabeth, but also the risk that he would not be able to stop his feet from leading him to the parsonage. It was far better to bury himself in the library.

“you know that Lord and Lady temple are coming for dinner this evening.

They are old friends of ours, connections of the stowes of Warwickshire, and Lady catherine tells me that their daughter sophia has grown up to be quite a pretty young lady. now, I understand why you might take the notion into your head that you do not wish to marry Anne; not sure I’d want to myself, truth to tell, but I want to see you make an effort with Miss temple. she would be a good match—she has a fortune of £40,000, and I know that you have not forgotten that you must make up the loss of Georgiana’s fortune if your estate is not to diminish. now, I know, there is more than money to making a match, and I am not asking you to marry her, but I expect to see you talking to her—none of your sitting silently in the corner, now. Do you take my meaning?”

Darcy rolled his eyes. “I understand your wishes quite clearly, sir,” he said, his voice cool.
As if any woman but Elizabeth could hold my interest for
a minute!

45

Abigail Reynolds

This apparently was enough of an agreement to satisfy Lord Derby, who confined himself to torturing his nephew by repeating his message no more than two or three more times before leaving Darcy in merciful silence. Darcy was far from pleased with the notion of spending an evening conversing with any young lady at the moment, but it was a small enough concession to make in the ongoing conflict over Georgiana’s future. If it would placate his uncle to have him charm this girl, whoever she was, then charm her he would.

He was relieved to discover that evening that the young lady in question was at least a tolerable conversationalist, if somewhat overly deferential; he had feared he had condemned himself to being polite to yet another preda-tory and obsequious husband-hunter. As it was, he forced himself to smile when she gazed up through lowered lashes at him, and firmly returned the conversation to the events of the season in town, and what might have seemed an evening of torture was reduced to a marginally tolerable situation. He only hoped that she would not take his attentions seriously; he had no desire to cause her any distress, just to be left alone from his family’s demands.

He felt that the worst was over when the ladies withdrew. The presence of Lord temple protected him from the kind of minute analysis of his every flawed behaviour during the evening which he knew would eventually be forthcoming from his uncle, and he could down his port in silence next to his more voluble cousin. He was regretful when it was time to rejoin the ladies, but hoped to be spared the need for extensive conversation by his aunt’s demand for cards. His uncle, of course, insisted that he be seated with Miss temple over the irritated demands of Lady catherine that he join Anne’s table at once. Darcy felt deep gratitude that he would be unlikely to encounter any of their guests after leaving Kent given the embarrassing display his family was insisting on putting on.

He would have been far more profoundly disturbed had he realized that his aunt had invited the collins party to join them to make numbers enough for the games she had in mind, but Lady catherine, still suspicious of the possible predations of Miss elizabeth Bennet upon her nephew, had made a point of keeping this information to herself. He was therefore taken quite by surprise when their arrival was announced, and felt his heart in his throat as he rose to greet them. He had dreaded this first meeting with 46

By FoRce oF InstInct

elizabeth and the distaste he expected to see in her face, and carefully looked just past her as he acknowledged their arrival.

Unlike Darcy, elizabeth had enjoyed the dubious privilege of worrying about this meeting for the entire day. As if her own concerns and distress over it were not sufficient, she was forced to suffer through several lectures from Mr. collins on the imperative need for her to display all possible modesty on this occasion and to avoid calling any attention to herself.