Candlemoth: A Holy City Romance (10 page)

“Ry...”

              Suddenly, I heard a strange little ceramic click.  My eyes snapped open.

              Silhouetted in the dim light from the street, an older man stood in the kitchen doorway.  Coolly drinking a cup of tea, his robe loosely belted so I could see the crisp white hair on his chest; his face was craggy and seamed from a lifetime of too much sun and rich food. 

Even though his thick white hair was crazed on one side, as if he’d been unable to sleep and now was wandering aimlessly around the mansion, I recognized his face from the oil portrait I’d seen the day before.

Mr. Calhoun.

He looked painfully bored, his expression unchanging as he placed his china teacup into the china saucer he held in his other hand.  Watching us as if we were stray dogs he’d caught fucking in his house for the thirtieth time.  His gaze wandered over Ry. 

“Christ, another one?” he said, finally.  He went back out into the hallway. 

             
Another one.

              What did I expect?  But my heart sank through the floor and dissolved.  I was humiliated.

I’d been more emotionally exposed than I’d ever felt in my life, but just as suddenly, all the new flowerings in me folded up and died off. 

I shoved Ry away, trying to cover myself with the damp ruins of my dress.  But Ry had already half-turned, zipping up his pants hastily in a way that filled me with disgust. 

“Dad-!” Ry said, rushing after the bored man in the bathrobe.  Then, torn, he whirled in the doorway, heading back towards me.  “Lily, wait.  Dad!”

But I was already out the door.

Ry chased me outside.  “Please, please, you don’t understand.  He didn’t mean it like it sounded-”

              I was crying, furious with myself for crying.  “I do, I understand you perfectly, you just want-you just wanted to get laid.”

              Ry tried to kiss me, holding my arms.  I wouldn’t let him. 

“Baby, don’t you remember any of the things I’ve said to you?  How I’ve made you feel?” he said.  “I
know
you feel this, too, I know you do, I could feel it- everything in you answers everything in me, Lily.  You keep forgetting all of that whenever something-”

              “Bullshit!  I can’t believe anything you say!  I can’t believe any of this; I don’t know who the fuck you are- why are you being so fucking nice to me, anyway?  I don’t like people doing things for me, remember?  You know why?  Because I can’t fucking trust
anybody
!  I don’t trust you, I can’t, I won’t!” 

Somehow, I was screaming.

              “Lily, enough!”  His voice cracked my name like a pistol shot.  I felt my body respond to the command in his voice, instantly hating myself for it.

              “Don’t.  Just don’t.  All right?” I said.

              “At least let me walk you to your-”

“Don’t fucking
touch
me.  I don’t want you to follow me, I don’t want you to touch me, leave me
alone
!” 

I ran into the dark. 

I drove home with all my windows down, needing air in my face. 

Cold, clean air.  Hungry black air.  Anything to wash away the electricity, the unrelenting connection that still remained like an unbroken thread between me and Ry Calhoun.  No matter how far away I was from him.

============ Chapter ==============================

The next morning I met Hazel for coffee at the bakery down the street.  We perched outside on the patio, chattering brightly as we sipped from big, sweetly mismatched coffee mugs, nibbling now and again at our chocolate croissants. 

Hazel’s hair was up in a glamorous top knot, and she was barefaced except for sunglasses and a stripe of hot pink lipstick.  Whoever said girls look more relatable when they wear bright pink lipstick had never seen a girl like Hazel: she snatched the gaze of every red-blooded guy passing within a five block radius. 

I could swear a few of them were doing loops just to rubberneck.  Hazel, sitting cross legged in her chair, her oversize tank top slipping dangerously down one shoulder, her pale pink yoga pants spotlighting her strong, healthy body.  She was a descended goddess.

Not that Hazel noticed.  She was every bit as hung up on her married guy as I was hung up on Ry.  And I was hardly in a position to judge.  I was so rattled with an emotional hangover from the night before that I felt nauseous. 

But I was determined to pretend that nothing was wrong. 

And incredibly, that morning, the girl I saw in the mirror smiling back at me looked perfectly fine.  My hair was still full from wearing it up the night before.  My favorite sundress looked pretty against my summer tan. 

So long as I kept my new sunglasses on, nobody would ever guess my heart was broken.  It’s amazing just how much protection a pretty little nothing affords.  Guys rarely understand that we don’t just shop for fun. 

We shop for armor.

“Grant this,” and “Grant that,” Hazel was saying.  (Grant, I realized, was Mr. Bow-tie and Glasses from the wedding where I’d first met Ry.) 

Grant was tall, bald and handsome.  He knew exactly how to touch her.  They talked every night for hours and hours and no one had ever made her feel this way in her
entire life…

For a long time I tried not to say too much of anything, letting my friend talk it out. I wanted Hazel to say the words herself.  I knew that sooner or later, she’d have to come around to the icy truth both of us were avoiding. 

Because Grant was also married.  

Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore.  “Hazel, babe,” I broke in,  “I say this with absolute love, because you are fabulous, and,” I squeezed her hand, “because I love you-”

“Oh no,” Hazel said.

“Oh yes.  What I’m hearing is this: so, you’re crazy about this guy.”

“Yes.  Madly, obsessively, over the moon for him.”

“I know.  And he’s separated from his wife.  So what’s the problem?  Here’s the problem.  He’s never going to leave his wife.  Even if he does, you’re still just the rebound chick.  You know?  And you already care too much about him.  He’s not just a fuck for you, not at all.”

“But I can’t just stop, Lily,”  Hazel said.  “I shit you not, I will die.  I die every time we break up.”

“Wait, how many times have you broken up?”

“Like thirty.  Whatever.  I mean, so you honestly think I should just… stop… fucking him?  I don’t think I can.  I know it sounds dumb, but I really don’t think I can.  He’s like a drug for me.”  Hazel pushed her sunglasses up into her hair and stared down into her coffee, wild-eyed.

“I think you gotta stop being the girl who keeps taking him back every time he gets in a fight with his wife.  Play hard to get, you know?”  I dunked the edge of my croissant into my coffee and took a bite.  “Not that I have room to talk,” I said, cradling the buttery crumbs in my hand, “I totally don’t, it’s just-”

“So speaking of ‘room to talk’,” Hazel grinned.  “How’s Ry-motherfuckin’-Calhoun?  You guys still playing doctor, and whatever else it is you two do?”

“He’s amazing.  When he touches me, it’s fireworks.  But... he’s also… Satan.”

“Oh,” Hazel said, laughing.  “Well, that’s kind of shitty.”

I sighed.  “Yeah.”
              “Or wait, do you mean Satan, like, in a good way?”

“He’s an asshole!  And his dad’s an asshole, too.” I told Hazel what had happened the other night.  She flinched when I told her about Mr. Calhoun standing there in the doorway, just watching us.

“That’s pretty weird, dude,” she said.  “And I have to be honest, Mr. Calhoun has a reputation around town for shady shit.  But as for Ry?  I don’t know, it sounds like he’s crazy about you.  Maybe you should give him a chance.  Then again,” Hazel licked her hand,  “I’m retarded about all this stuff.  You should probably, like, do exactly the opposite of whatever
I
think is a good idea.  Except for in bed.  I know some
things,
man, I could teach you…”

I laughed.  “Okay, that’d be cool.”
              “I’m serious!”

“I know you are, it’s just, I can’t…. stop thinking about him.  And when you start talking about bed, um,” I bit my lip.  “It’s bad.  This is so bad, it’s so crazy.  I’m obsessed.  It’s not good.”

Hazel squealed with laughter.  “Isn’t it fun, though!  Eee!  I mean, me too!  Okay, okay.  We gotta calm down, we gotta come down.  Click your heels together three times.  Say it with me- there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home!” 

Now we were laughing our heads off.  People glanced over at us curiously, probably wondering what we’d poured in our coffee. 

“C’mon, let’s get out of here,” Hazel said.  “Let’s get fucking loud, I don’t have to work today.”

“Woo!”   

But when we walked back to my place, Ry was sitting on the curb outside. 

Waiting for me.

===== Chapter ===================================

Ry!

My heart jumped at the sight of him.  And then immediately fell.  

              “Oh, it’s okay-” Hazel said, eyeing him, “I just remembered I gotta, uh, pick something up.”  She hugged me, turning back towards her car, which was still parked at the bakery.

              “No, wait!” I said.  I grabbed her fiercely, hissing into her ear- “don’t go!” 

              Hazel patted my cheek.  “Mm mm, you just trust,” she said, smiling, and then skipped away.  “Talk to you soon!  Luv ya, mean it! Byeee...”

             
Goddammit…!

              I knew Ry was watching us.  In my mind’s eye, I could see the grin twitching at the corner of his mouth. 

When I turned, I saw it for real.  My pulse skyrocketed.

He was sitting there with his elbows on his knees, looking rangy and tan in an old-school fitted white shirt and soft, wash-faded jeans.  His hair was adorably rumpled, his wolf eyes adorably worried beneath those thick black brows. 

Almost as if… he hadn’t slept at all either.

He moved just perceptibly as I stepped onto the sidewalk outside my apartment.  I was still doing my best to avoid looking at him again, but just that subtle movement of Ry’s shoulders shot a corresponding thrill into my veins.  Helpless arousal flashed through me. 

Oh shit, oh no, not again.

Quick, think of Mr. Calhoun.  Think of crying all the way home.  Again.

But sense memories flooded my body instead.  Ry’s kitchen counter, his eyes pinned to mine as his gorgeous, sullen mouth licked and sucked me inexorably-

No, no, no, anything but that! 

My face burned, and I was sure Ry could see the X-rated movie in my mind as I ducked my head, walking towards my door fast.  Because there was only one way to get into my apartment.  I had to walk past him.  He knew that. 

Just keep walking, Lily, don’t make eye contact…
because if you do...
 

Ry stood slowly, blocking the sidewalk.  “Lily,” he said, huskily, his voice low, and the raspy hunger in it broke my heart.

I wanted nothing more than to bury my face against his broad chest, to dissolve under his touch and his spell.  But I stared pointedly off to one side.  No way was I going to get chewed up and spat out by some fucking rich kid; you think I’m just
another one,
Mr. Calhoun?  You sure got that wrong.

“You need to go,” I said.  The world seemed to hang still around us, as if everything were suspended now from a curtain rod, paper-thin, expectantly paused.  

“Let me prove to you you can trust me, Lily,” Ry said.  “You- have to let me.  I’m going crazy without you.  Give this a chance.”  He dipped a little, searching out my eyes, and touched my face gently.  “Please.  Give us a chance,” he said, so softly that I heard his tongue press softly at his teeth to form the words. 

I tightened for him.  I tightened for him so much that air escaped silently through my teeth, and my breasts sharpened, instantly full and aching for his touch.  I felt myself go slick and hot. 
Oh, so ready for you. 

I squeezed my eyes shut.  “How do you even know where I live?” I said.

“Even if you weren’t the most beautiful woman in the country, you’d still be easy for me to find, Lily,” he said.  He moved closer, pressing his lips to my forehead, holding my arms now so that I couldn’t escape him.  “I’m so drawn to you,” he whispered.  “What have you done to me?”

“Take it easy, Jesus.  This syrup, I’m drowning here,” I said, sarcastically. 

He touched my face again tenderly, and I couldn’t help meeting Ry’s eyes, turning my face against his cupped hand, so strong and heavy, covering nearly one whole side of my head. 
Oh, Jesus, the smell of him.
Of lemons and cedar.  Hot, pounding sex.  My knees went liquid.  

“Let me inside,” Ry said.  His thumb stroked over my lips. 

I put my hand on his wrist, wanting to push him away, but I melted forwards instead, into his arms.  His thumb fitted between my lips gently.  I bit it, still looking up at him.  I felt myself swim into his eyes.

“I don’t know,” I said, softly.  And then, “I really am drowning, here.”

“You’re shaking, Lily.  Let me inside,” he said, again.  His voice was quiet and intense. 

I knew he would never take no for an answer.  Somehow, in a terrified rush, I suddenly knew that Ry Calhoun would follow me anywhere, no matter what I said or did-

no matter what his parents thought-

He kissed me.  Wrapping his arms around me so tight that I felt how small and fragile

I was in contrast to him, how much I was- yes, shaking, like a leaf against a warm, unmoving stone in the current.  I was scared he’d grind me to pieces, just like a brittle bit of earth, but I couldn’t resist him any longer. 

I don’t even remember leading him through the door, up the stairs. 

Suddenly we were in my apartment, making out passionately, tears streaming down my face as he swallowed my body up with his.  Every brush of his hands, of his mouth, sent ecstasy torching over my skin. 

“This won’t be the last time I apologize to you about my family, Lily,” Ry said, grabbing my face in his hands.  “They’re… difficult people.  I know maybe things look perfect from the outside.  Every family has its own cross to bear.  My family… we’ve got a couple.  But it doesn’t make it okay for them to act the way they do.”  His eyes were very still on mine, impossibly gentle and sad.

“No,” I said.  “Does your dad always treat people like… the way he treated me?”

“I don’t want him to hurt you, I wish I could swear I’d never let anyone hurt you again.  But I can swear I’ll always protect you…” he said.

“I was so ashamed.”

“Oh, Lily, Lily, you have nothing to be ashamed of, I should have protected you, I should never have-”  He laughed a little, crushing me to him, and I pressed my face to his chest the way I’d wanted to ever since seeing him again.  “We should have gone up into my room, like normal people!”

“I guess that was a little weird, maybe…I couldn’t have stopped myself any more than I could have stopped you,” I said.  “And I didn’t want to stop.”

“You and me, we put the ‘we’ in weird, don’t we?”  Ry said, smiling down at me softly.  His soft, hungry kisses began to drug me again.  My heart was twisting in a crazy flame.

“I just don’t know how to do this,” I gasped.  “I’ve never done this.  When I let myself feel-this deeply?  Everything feels so good- but then I’m so vulnerable- and I shut down-”

“You have to let me carry you,” he said.  “Just imagine I’m holding you in my arms.”

“You are.”  I smiled.

“I am.  Always.  Just like this.”  Ry slid down slowly over the front of my body, covering my dress with lingering kisses, and went to his knees.  The touch of his mouth over my belly made me cry out, and I twisted my hands in his thick hair, pulling it, forcing him to look at me. 

When he did, his eyes were dark with want.  Gazing up at me, that naughty smile playing over his deliciously sullen mouth, Ry cupped his hands against my ass, bringing my hips to his face like a goblet.  His fingers dug hungrily into me, searching out my shape, taking me firmly into hand.

“Jesus, you’re wet,” he said.  “You’re so wet for me, Lily, I can’t wait to bury myself in you, I want to feel you wrapped all around me-” he pressed his face between my thighs, nuzzling me, teasing the tender shape of flesh barely concealed now beneath my thin dress.