Candlemoth: A Holy City Romance (13 page)

              Before long, the pictures were flowing, too. 

              I slipped into a chiffon maxi with big, glamorous poetess sleeves and a filmy, watercolor print.  It was the kind of dress you couldn’t help but twirl in, and when Beren wove me a sash from Chandler’s roses, the look was perfect.

              I reached up into a magnolia, tilting my neck and hip slightly to create an interesting line, and Chandler crouched down near a flowering bush, tufting a few strands out in front of his camera so that they made soft, unfocused silhouettes in the foreground of the image.

              “Look at this, Lily,” he said, afterwards, showing me the screen.  The smile on his face made me feel so happy that I hugged him.  “Great,” he said. 

              “Let’s keep going,” I said.

              We took a few more shots.  “I hate to say this, but we need to stop for a second; I want to take the dress in just a little closer to your waist, here,” he said.

              “Can’t you just clip it?”  Beren said.

              It took Casper a moment to respond.  “That wouldn’t feel… right,” he murmured.  While he took the dress back inside- “just a quick stitch!” he called- I sat down cross-legged on the patio with Beren.  The warmth of the boards felt delicious against my skin, and I lay back, propping myself up on my elbows. 

I closed my eyes, soaking up the sun.  Tiny black shapes danced behind my eyelids… like tiny gnostic tattoos… tiny falling stars… 

In spite of myself, I remembered Ry, and the delicious sensations he could call up in me without saying a word.  I squeezed my eyes tightly, trying to escape the thought, but it was impossible.  I belonged to him even when I didn’t want to.

I sat up as a shadow crossed over me, and realized Casper was standing above us, smiling softly. 

“Sorry,” Casper said.  “Couldn’t resist.  Maybe he’ll be able to use these shots, too.”

“Let us see!”  Beren said. 

We scrolled through the pictures Casper had just taken while Chandler finished working inside.  Soon we were throwing ideas back and forth for poses and locations. 

And just like that, we became a team.   Soon Casper was comfortable stepping in, adjusting my hair or my arm, giving me ideas for expressions while Chandler took dozens upon dozens of pictures.  We were all having so much fun that the hours flew by. 

One of my favorite pictures that day happened as a lark.  We were walking to Chandler’s car, and I had the idea to leap up and sit cross-legged in a deep window frame on the side of his house, with my gown hanging down behind me.  There’s flowers in the corner of the frame, and I’m looking back at the camera, laughing, shading my eyes from the sun. 

In Chandler’s photograph, the sunlight washes away the shadows of the ledge, so that it looks almost as if I’m perched there in pure whiteness.  It showcases the gown beautifully.  He’s been making variations of it for several seasons now, but every year the whole line is sold out before it even drops.

But before that happened- before Casper Graham brought both Chandler and I into a kind of notorious fame that has chased us ever since- we were just a group of new friends hanging out, shooting pictures on Folly Beach.  

It was late in the day, and the sunlight was almost horizontal.  Everything was tinged with rose and gold.  I stood in the surf, wearing my next to last outfit for the day: a pale bronze crop top made from a light, sweater-y material, and skimpy bikini bottoms.  Beren’s rose sash was strung low around my waist.  We were laughing, dancing around to a makeshift radio Beren had fashioned from his phone and a red solo cup, and Casper was beatboxing, jiving around in the water with me. 

I knew he was in some of the photographs, too, and that we probably looked like a couple, the way we were jumping around together, grinning.  At one point Casper even started carrying me around on his shoulders, the ribbons of my sash trailing down one of his arms.  They were great pictures.

Casper stood back, considering me.  I grinned back, but he continued giving me this steady look that simmered all through me, warming me head to toe. 

“You need something,” Casper said, stepping back, putting one finger to his mouth.  “Hmm.”  He wandered thoughtfully back towards the car.  “Keep going, I’ll be back!”

              “Costume change,” Beren sang out, and I danced around a clump of driftwood to change out of the wet swim bottoms into my last outfit, which was supposed to be the crop top and a pair of swishy, golden wide-leg pants.  But now the top was wet and cold.

              I took it off, and felt much better. 

The clean, bright wind coming in off the water felt delicious against my naked skin.  It stroked over my breasts, and they sharpened against the cool air as if it were a lover’s hands.

              I walked back around to my friends. 

Chandler shook his head, smiling.  “You sure?” he said, before he started shooting.  “You look beautiful.”

              I nodded silently, my mouth curved in a Mona Lisa smile, and went through my last movements, just as Casper came back down over the dunes.  His hair was loose under a battered old leather hat I recognized from photos I’d seen of him in his concerts.  

My arms flew up around my breasts, covering them, and I whirled away, laughing. 

“Hey, now!” I said.

“Mayday, mayday,” Beren said, “wild titties on Folly Beach…. do not approach the water…”

But Casper shrugged us all off, coming towards me as if my bare chest was no big deal.  And it literally wasn’t, of course-

“This,” Casper said, dunking his hat on my head.  He ran his fingers across the brim, arranging it.  “Just so.” 

He grinned, stepping back.  “You’re perfect, Lily.”  Then he just stood there, still grinning. 

I kicked water at him.  “Hey man, get out of here,” I laughed.  “Go back up that way or something.”

Casper tilted his head to the side, began to sway slowly around-

“exotic, I love it!” Chandler said behind us, still snapping away.

Grinning, I held up my hand like a make-believe gun and pretended to blow them both away.  You’ve probably seen the photograph: Casper ended up using it for his next album cover.   

Looking over Chandler’s shoulder, Beren bounced up and down with happiness.  “Yes, yes yes, that’s it!” he said, “This is awesome!”

              “Pretty awesome,” Casper said, standing closer to me now.  I re-wrapped my arms around myself, but assuming he was going to fix something; maybe my hair, or my hat, it didn’t occur to me to move back.

And then he kissed me. 

Casper’s hands were hot on my shoulders, his kiss sinking through me like wine.

My mind went black. 

I jolted away from him.  “I’m sorry, I- I can’t, that can’t happen,” I said.

              “Why not, Lily?” Casper murmured.

What could I say?  But my words were out before I censored them.

              “I’m in love with this- asshole.  Or I’m an asshole.  I mean, I- I don’t know.  But I can’t.”

Casper laughed easily.  If he was taken aback by my rambling, he didn’t show it. 

“No problem,” he said. 

Then he tried to kiss me again.

I turned my head.  “Hey, were you listening?  I can’t,” I said, firmly.

              “All right, all right.”  Casper’s handsome face fell closed.  He turned away.  “Hey, listen, you guys hungry?  Let’s get dressed and get something for dinner.  It’s on me.  What about that place over there- Tides?  We could sit out back and look over the water.”

              I headed back towards the big pile of driftwood I’d been using as a dressing room curtain.  It was sweet of Casper to offer to buy dinner, but I knew he was just doing it to try to regain control. 

The problem was, it worked.

“Well, Tides is a hotel,” Beren said, “but their drinks
are
good.  Don’t ask me how I know…”

              “Sounds like a plan,” I heard Casper say. 

              I changed back into my cami top, but Chandler insisted I wear the golden pants. 

“It’s cold out, and besides, they look so amazing with your mom’s shoes,” he said.  “I want to look at you and your outfit all night.  You’re making me look good, girl!”

              “You make
me
look good, doll,” I said to him, automatically, trying to laugh, but inside I was surging with guilt.  How could I feel so guilty about a relationship that didn’t even exist- a relationship that couldn’t even work, if it did.

             
I’m really not cut out for this
, I thought to myself, as we sailed together into the Tides hotel.

              There was a bar outside.  Casper sauntered up, smiling affectionately at people who recognized him, but he didn’t respond to anything any of them said.

“Excuse me, sir?” he said to the bartender.  “Give me a couple grilled cheeses and shots all round, here please.  Tequila.”

              Beren turned towards me.  “Call Hazel,” he mouthed.

              “Oh yeah!” I said.  

              And then I saw Ry.  He was sitting at a big table at the far corner of the sprawling patio, both his arms draped around beautiful blondes.  One was Madison; the other girl’s hair was in her face, and I couldn’t recognize her.  They were sitting with his parents, all of them laughing and drinking, enjoying themselves- the way they always had, probably.  They made a natural unit.  

              I was an outsider. 

I started nodding to myself rhythmically.  “All right, it’s all right-”

              “Lily?” Beren said.

              “It’s okay, I’m okay,” I said, but I felt as if the four corners of the Earth were pulling away from me.  Blackness rushed in.  “I’ve got to- I’ll be right back-”

              I slipped free and went quickly through the crowd towards the hotel.  Water, cold water- silence and privacy- all I could think of was how much I wanted to get away- but my ears were ringing with shame and humiliation and the rich, lovely sound of Ry’s laughter. 

              Inside, the hotel was cool and empty.  It’s carpeted hush drank up the sound of my footsteps as I rushed towards the ladies room.  There were two older women standing at the mirror, touching up their makeup as I flooded through the door, full of tears, but blessedly they didn’t notice me.  I slammed into a stall and waited for them to leave, staring down at my painted toenails.

I felt as if someone were tugging roots from my heart.   

I sat there for what felt like ages, letting the black feeling wash over me.  I wanted to feel it; I wanted to feel everything, and I wanted it to hurt, too. 
Remember this
,
I told myself. 
Remember that this is what it feels like when you let someone in, when you let yourself be vulnerable.

This is your fault.  You knew what kind of man he was…

So pick your head up and get back out there.  You’re better than this- crying over some fucking guy.  What do you care? 

As soon as I opened the door to head back outside, I saw Casper Graham had attracted himself a little attention. 

Women stood ten deep in a circle all around him, hanging onto every word he said.  They tugged at his arms, giggling like parrots. 

Chandler and Beren looked slightly uncomfortable with all the attention, but they were ignoring the interlopers.  For now.  I knew Beren: he was plotting their next move; things were quickly getting uncool, and he never stayed anywhere uncool for long.

Casper, however, was loving it.  He was incandescent with happiness, a born performer.  He reached for me with both arms as I came towards them. 

“Lily!” he cried.  “She returns; wherever did you go?”  Casper Graham kissed my cheek twice with a big, theatrical smack.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I purred back, pretending the confidence I wished I really felt. 

Casper’s eyes sparked back.  “I would,” he said, squeezing my arm.

“Hazel’s on her way,” I told Beren. 

“Fantastic, once we’ve got here with us, let’s get out of this place,” Beren said, handing me a drink.  He and Chandler stood close together, their feet nearly touching.  Seeing me notice this, he winked at me gleefully, and then I laughed, a little too loud. 

I wanted Ry to see me.  Whether he was flirting with other girls or not, I knew he felt the same irresistible draw towards me just as I felt towards him.  The dirty traitor.

I wanted to rip his heart out, just like he had mine.

But when I felt a warm hand at my side, my heart leapt up crazily in the instant before I turned around-
was it him-?!
- and saw it was only Hazel.

“Hey, boo!” she said happily, kissing me hello.  Immediately she pivoted, grinning up at Casper.  “What’s this, a god?  Babe, you didn’t tell me there would be gods here!”