Captive (17 page)

“How do you like everyone at your foster home?” I asked as I got up from the floor.

Melody shrugged. “They’re nice … Nicer than my parents.”

I wanted to ask if Diane hugged her and tucked her in at night and played Barbies with her. She deserved to be smothered with love.

Melody fastened the blue snaps on her black winter coat. It fit her perfectly but was clearly a boys’ coat. I couldn’t fault Diane for re-using the coat, which was in great condition. It was sensible. But I yearned to take Melody to a downtown boutique and let her choose any coat she wanted. And maybe some sparkly shoes to replace the Batman tennis shoes she wore.

I reminded myself of the boundaries between counselor and client. With a child, it was easy to fall into a trap of wanting to make it all better. That wasn’t my job, and an expensive coat and shoes wouldn’t minimize what this girl had been through in any way.

“Do I get a hug?” I asked, and she smiled and wrapped her arms around me. I didn’t hug clients, because – again — boundaries. But I couldn’t find any harm in showing Melody affection.

She pulled away and I reached for the door handle, pausing when she looked up at me with wide, serious eyes.

“You know my parents are dead, right?”

I froze. It was her first mention of it, and
dammit
, right at ending time. I stepped away from the door.

“Yes.” I waited, willing her to say more. But she looked away, and the moment passed. I reached for the handle and pulled my hand away again.

“One more hug?”

She smiled and I bent down to embrace her. I walked her out and tried not to show my excitement when Diane agreed to let me keep her for an extra hour next week and buy her a Barbie.

When the door closed behind them, I sighed heavily. Back to reality.

I’d finally stopped hurting from the Russian giant’s ass beating. Surprisingly, he’d fucked me up royally without breaking a single bone. I’d been fine to practice and play, it just hurt like hell. Now a fading black eye was the only sign of the fight. I touched it while I studied it in the bathroom mirror.

Everyone else in the league was too smart to piss off Petrov like I had. Most days I was smart enough, too, but that day I’d just had to let loose with someone. Choosing him had led to a surge of fan mail. Hockey fans loved the grit of the game as much as I did.

The door to the apartment opened, then closed and I took a deep breath. Kate was home. It was time for us to hash things out and leave the tension behind.

“Hey,” I said, meeting her in the living room.

“Hi.”

“How’re you feeling?”

“Fine. Just tired. I puked as soon as I got to work this morning but I was okay after that.”

She wouldn’t look at me. I crossed my arms across my chest. “What’s up with us?”

Her eyes were on mine in an instant. “What do you mean?”

“I mean things have been tense. I don’t like it. I feel … like shit for getting so pissed at you when you were upset. Now tell me how you feel.”

She hummed with annoyance. “I feel … like shit, too. I can’t get anything right.” She flopped onto the couch.

“Don’t beat yourself up, babe.” I sat down beside her and she gave me a mournful look.

“I called the adoption place today and took us off the ready and waiting list.” Her voice broke with emotion and I pulled her into my arms, unable to remember why I’d been mad at her. “I don’t want to get our baby and then maybe have a miscarriage to deal with. It’s not right to be sad then. I don’t even know if they’d give us a baby if they knew I was pregnant. They’d wonder why we want to adopt one if we can have one, even though we can’t …”

She cried then, sobbing against me so hard her shoulders shook up and down. I wished I knew some soothing words, but all I could do was rub her back until she rested against me.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” she said. “I didn’t want it to be true.”

“We’ll get through this together. No matter what happens.”

She started crying again, and I couldn’t help thinking about how cruel fate was sometimes. When she broke away from me, she wiped her fingers across her red-rimmed eyes.

“I got snot on your shirt,” she said matter-of-factly.

“It’s fine. And look, I’ve got good news. I got you in with a doctor who specializes in high-risk pregnancies. I asked Jean to find me the best, and she said he’s the one. I also hired a midwife to come see you every day. She can check—”

“Wait a minute. What? You told Jean I’m pregnant?” Her outraged tone wasn’t the response I expected.

“No. I just told her I needed the name of the best doctor for women who … you know, have had miscarriages.”

“Ryke! Obviously she knew why you were asking!”

“I had to ask someone, I don’t know any … pussy doctors.”

“It’s called an obstetrician! And you know I don’t want everyone knowing!”

She rubbed her temple and I blew out an exasperated breath. We couldn’t seem to be around each other lately without an emotional explosion.

“Listen—” I started, but she cut me off.

“I hate it when you say that. I always listen.” Her voice was flat this time, like she was just making an observation.

“Christ, woman! I’m trying to help here, but your moodiness is making it really fucking hard.”

“My moodiness? What do you expect? You aren’t the one with the problem! I am! Everyone must feel sorry for poor Ryke, who got stuck with a woman who can’t have kids.” Now there was a bitter edge to her tone that I’d never heard before.

“I didn’t get stuck with you, I got down on a knee in front of 15,000 fucking people and begged you to be my wife!”

Her face crumpled and she looked at her lap, her hair hiding her expression. Was she about to cry again? I couldn’t keep up.

“Kate.” I moved her hair over her shoulder so I could see her. “This time I want you to have the best of everything, from the beginning. I know your doctor from the last pregnancy was good, but this guy is the best out there. And the midwife will be here to help with anything you need.”

Her big brown eyes were sad when she looked at me. “You can’t fix this with your money.”

“I’m not trying to fix anything. With me traveling so much, I need to know you’ve got the best people taking care of you.”

“But what’s going to happen will happen, no matter who’s helping me.”

“One day at a time, baby,” I said, rubbing the back of her neck gently.

She sighed deeply. “This time I’m getting my tubes tied when I’m at the hospital.”

“Hey.” I turned her cheek my way. “One day at a time. Together. We’re in this together. Tell me what you need from me most right now.”

“It’s not … there’s nothing—”

“Sure there is. Tell me. What do you need? You want me to give you space? Cook you dinner every night? Kick somebody’s ass?”

She smiled. “I can’t believe you knocked me up again, Ryke.” After a few minutes of silence, she added, “I need you to just be you. Keep loving me even when I’m unlovable. Be strong.”

I nodded. “Done. Aren’t you going to ask me what I need from you?”

“Are you gonna ask me to kick someone’s ass?”

I shook my head and laughed at the thought. “No. Now ask me. Ask me, ‘Ryke, what do you need from me?”

“This is going to involve me on my knees, isn’t it?”

“Dammit, woman, just ask me.”

She turned to me and squared her shoulders. “Ryke, what do you need from me?”

“I need you to have faith.”

“I have all the faith in the world in you!” she countered, lowering her brows with dismay.

“Not faith in me,” I said. “In you.”

Melody was bundled up in the waiting room of my office, absorbed in a book. Diane was scrolling through her smart phone when I approached them.

“Ready to go, Melody?” I asked. She looked up at me and nodded.

“Do you want to text me when you get back here?” Diane asked.

“Why don’t I just bring her home for you?” I pulled my phone out of my purse. “What’s your number? I’ll text you and then you’ll have my number so you can send me your address.”

She gave me the number and I sent her a message.

“My husband’s on the road, so I don’t have any plans,” I said. “Is it okay if I take her out for dinner, too?”

“Sure. I didn’t realize until recently that you’re married to Jason Ryker.”

I smiled. “Do you like hockey?”

“Oh, some. My husband does.”

“Let me know if you ever want tickets for your family.”

“That would be a lot of fun for the kids, thank you.” She turned to Melody. “Be good for Kate, okay? I’ll see you when you get home.”

Melody nodded and slid down from her chair. Once Diane was gone, a wave of happiness hit me. I’d been looking forward to this time with my young client.

“What should we do first?” I asked, leading the way to the door.

“Can we get a Barbie, please?”

“Absolutely. There’s a huge toy store downtown we’ll go to. I still remember the first time my mom took me there.”

“Is your mom still alive?” Melody asked the question casually, and my heart twisted for her.

“Yes, she is. I’m very lucky.”

“Is she nice?”

“She’s very nice. My dad left when I was about your age, so it was just me and her then.”

I unlocked my car and helped Melody buckle her seatbelt in the backseat.

“Do you have brothers and sisters?” she asked.

“No.”

“But you have a husband, right? I saw his picture on your desk.”

“That’s right. His name is Ryke.”

“You look like a princess in that picture.”

“Thank you,” I said, closing the door and getting in the driver’s seat before I continued our conversation. “We can get you a princess dress today if you want.”

“Really?” Melody met my eyes when I glanced at her in my mirror. “Do you have kids?”

Her question made my stomach flip. I was hoping Melody would open up to me, and I had a sudden urge to do the same with her. “I don’t have kids, but I’m pregnant.”

A sharp, excited exhale from the back seat made me look up to check on her. “You’re having a baby?”

“Well …” Probably not. But I hated to say that to her. Even ‘maybe’ seemed like a confusing answer. “Yes, I am!”

She squealed with excitement. “Can we get some baby stuff at the toy store?”

“Sure, if you’d like to.”

“I was going to have a baby brother or sister once, but Daddy pushed Mommy and she fell and the baby went away.”

I clenched the steering wheel, disgust and hatred welling inside me. “How did that make you feel, Melody?”

“Sad. But Mommy said it was okay.”

“Did you think it was okay?”

She was silent for a few seconds. “I guess so. Sometimes Daddy just couldn’t help it because he got so mad.”

“Did he ever hurt you?”

“Not really. He threw a glass at Mommy once and it broke and the glass got in my eye and I had to go to the hospital. But he cried and said he was sorry.”

Tears pooled in my eyes as I listened to her. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to hear this from a five-year-old and not just cry for her.

“Do you know how happy it makes me that you’re my friend?” I said, turning to glance at her since we were stopped at a red light. “You’re smart and funny and sweet. I think you might be the greatest kid I’ve ever met.”

She gave me a heart-melting, toothless grin. “You’re gonna be a good Mommy.”

I wished I had the same blind faith in myself that she did. I was pretty sure good mommies didn’t pretend the babies they were carrying didn’t exist.