Charlie and Pearl (27 page)

Charlie drove us to a supermarket and I waited in the motor home while he went in alone, came back with 4 packets of super heavy flow sanitary pads and some baby wipes then drove me round till we found a public toilet where I could change and try to clean myself up a little. It was so
,
undignified
. I rolled my blood stained underwear and
pyjama
bottoms into a ball and stuffed them in
a
rubbish bin. It was full of McDonald’s bags and empty V bottles and I had to really push to hide my shameful evidence.

Cried some more. The bleeding is accompanied by bad cramping, in my lower back, the tops of my thighs and in my groin. I pop
four
nurofen and squeeze the side of my seat
hard
until the pain starts to ease.

“I’m sorry Charlie” I tell him weakly, “I don’t think I can drive anywhere today” and then I cry as he hushes me and tells me not to be silly, that it’s ok, we don’t have to drive anywhere. There’s nowhere we have to be, no time limit for getting there.

And as we’re lying on the bed, in the position we always favour, his arms around me from behind, his stomach pressed into my back and his legs curled around mine, I realise this is the end of something else too.

I will never make love again.

If only I knew the last time Charlie and I made love that it was the last time, I would have made it last forever. 

CHARLIE

I’m sorry I wasn’t braver. I’m sorry I couldn’t cure you, or kiss all your fears away and promise you that everything would be ok.

I did promise you that I wouldn’t leave you to die in a hospital or some hospice where you were surrounded by nurses you didn’t know and patients you didn’t care for.

I promised you I would be with you when it happened and that I would ensure you died with dignity.

I’m unbelievably thankful that you walked into the shop that day and I got to meet you and love you like I have loved you
,
and like I will always love you.

Acknowledgments
and
a
Dedication

A HUGE thank you to Miriam, my very first reader for her invaluable help and encouragement, even though you swore at me for the ending I chose, and I frustrated the hell out of you with my constant misspelling of the word ‘lounge’.

I am indebted
to
my wonderful family
for
their
support
over the years, and my
parents
for encouraging
and nurturing
my early love of reading.

And lastly, thanks to my husband
Karl
for putting up with me, and cooking your own dinners when I was too caught up in the story to stop.

This book is dedicated to Kathryn Collins, for her
beautiful
smile, for making me want to be a better person, and for reminding me every day not to sweat the small stuff.