Chasing Butterflies (2 page)

Months Later

We stood in
front of the board where the final list was posted.

“Oh my God, oh my God,” Debbie screamed while jumping up and down. She grabbed my hand, and I found myself jumping too. “Lenny, we’re in. We’re in.”

Freshman year of high school was a big deal and to make the cheerleading squad was even bigger. I wasn’t sure exactly how I felt about it. It was something Debbie wanted, and I thought I wanted too. Having it didn’t give me the flutters in my stomach I thought it would.

When she finally calmed down, she steered me to her locker with subtle glances over her shoulder. A pack of boys clustered nearby, and I thought she was about to comment on them when she leaned in.

She whispered to me while she spun the combination on her locker. “Rumor has it—”

We were interrupted when a shadow covered us. I stood straight and glanced over her shoulder.

It was interesting how my best friend of all my life changed in the presence of a boy. Plus, these days she always did most of the talking. Faster than me, she spun around and greeted our visitor.

“Ox, how are you?”

Odin, better known by his nickname Ox, barely glanced down at her. He gave her a tilt of his head in acknowledgment. Her face soured when his gaze shifted to me.

“Lenny, I was wondering what you were doing Friday night.”

Not spending it with you, I wanted to say. Ox had made a reputation for himself over the summer. He’d popped a few cherries and broken a few hearts if rumors were to be believed.

“I’m busy.” I was proud of myself for not sounding self-righteous when I said it. No need to be rude.

“Oh. Okay.” He nodded and trudged off.

Debbie turned slowly to glare at me. “Why did you do that?”

I didn’t cower under her scrutiny as she expected. Most of the time, I gave into her whims, not wanting to fight.

“He’s the most popular boy in our class. And he could get us into senior parties,” she went on.

“And,” I mocked horror. “He’s never given me the time of day before. I won’t be another check on his list.”

She rolled her eyes. “Stop being a baby. He’s cute, rich, and on the football team.”

“And?”

“You’re a lost cause.” Her exasperated sigh was her only sign of defeat.

“You date him then,” I suggested.

“Well, that’s what I was trying to tell you. He’s made it known to everyone he’s interested in you. No guy is going to talk to you now.”

My suffering sigh was more like a groan as I longed for an older brother or someone to defend my honor because what she said was true. Ox was a big, intimidating guy, hence the name. The fact that his family had money would only add to making other guys afraid to ask me out.

“I can’t believe it.” I groaned.

“Believe it, sister. He wants you, and he won’t give up until he has you.”

The day took forever to end. My worst fears that Debbie voiced came true. I paid special attention to one guy I crushed on. We’d been trading glances in math class over the past week, but he hadn’t looked in my direction at all today.

Mom waited at the curb when I stomped out of school annoyed. I tossed myself in her car, hating how things had turned out. I should have been excited I’d made the cheer squad. Instead, I wished we’d move and go to another school.

“What’s with the long face?” Mom asked.

Everyone knew everyone in this small town. So when I told her about how Ox had laid his sights on me, she knew exactly who I was talking about.

“Honey, you should be flattered. Like your father and I have always told you, you are so pretty, and boys are going to beat down our door to ask you out.”

“Mom, I’m not that pretty. Besides, I wish he’d find someone else to target,” I mumbled.

Debbie
, I thought in the back of my head. She would relish the idea of going out with him. I wondered—not for the first time—what we had in common anymore besides being childhood friends. Lately, we had different views on life. I wanted to make something of myself and get out of this sleepy town. Debbie would be happy being the next Teen Mom to the right boy in town, including Ox.

“It can’t be that bad,” Mom said.

“It is when said boy is only looking for one thing.”

That shut her up. I popped my ear buds in and let the music flow for the short ride home.

Around the dinner table that night, it was tense. I wasn’t exactly surprised when my father announced there was something he wanted to talk about.

“Lenora, um…”

Dad wasn’t ever unsure with his words. The fact that he paused freaked me out. Were they going to tell me they were getting a divorce? Things hadn’t been great at home recently. My parents fought constantly behind closed doors. I guess they thought I couldn’t hear them through the paper thin walls. But, I’d heard enough.

“Things aren’t good at work.”

That news felt worse as they pinned me with the weight of it. Suddenly it was apparent my wish for moving might become a reality. We weren’t exactly rolling in it. Our small house was barely on the good side of town.

“However, I have an opportunity to make things better. A new potential client might solidify my position in the firm as they continue with cuts.”

Suddenly, I wanted to be five again. I didn’t want to know we had money problems. My heartbeat thudded in my chest. Was he saying we were almost homeless? What did it mean? And why was he telling me?

“What are you saying, Dad?”

I glanced at Mom, but she quickly looked away.

“It’s okay, honey. If the worst happens, we’ll survive. We might have to dip into your college fund until we get back on our feet. But we won’t be thrown out of our house.”

My mouth gaped. It became clear why I was being let in on the news. My college fund was my ticket out of town. And while I understood having a place to sleep was more important, it still stung that I could be stuck going to community college and living at home after I graduated.

“Can’t Mom get a job?” I blurted.

It had been too easy to throw Mom under the bus. Still, she had able hands. Why did I have to lose my college fund for her to stay at home? I wasn’t a little kid anymore.

“I’m sorry.” I quickly backtracked. It was selfish of me and knee jerk reaction to the bomb they dropped on me. “I can quit cheerleading and get a job. I hear they’re hiring at the diner.”

Dad shook his head. “There’s no need. Like I said, I have a solution.”

I glanced between them, not getting it. Mom couldn’t meet my eye.

“I’m attending a business dinner with the potential client Friday night. You and Mom will attend.”

It wasn’t unusual for me to go to a business dinner. Especially when I was younger and Dad’s clients had kids the same age.

“Okay,” I said, not sure why it was a big deal. The way Mom continued to not look at me only made me wonder more what it had to do with me.

“You might know the family. When they talked about dinner they mentioned their son went to school with you.”

He hadn’t said the words, but I felt his meaning. There weren’t many families in town with enough money to be one of Dad’s potential clients. Most of his clients were from the city. So it didn’t take long for me to put two and two together and why Mom couldn’t look at me directly.

“Ox,” I shrilled. When Dad nodded, I nearly shouted. “You can’t be serious. What are you, pimping me out?”

Mom cringed, and Dad shook his head in a short bust of side to side movement. “Absolutely not,” Dad declared. “It’s just dinner, and I’m asking you to be nice.”

“When am I not nice?”

“Your mom told me about your conversation this afternoon.”

Then I remembered how I explained what happened with Ox. Mom had tried to make his intentions okay. I glared at her. Somehow they knew about Ox’s interest in me.

“He only wants one thing. What should I do when he makes that clear?”

Twice today, I’d let my feelings known. I hadn’t ever been that outspoken. I’d been the good little girl. However, I couldn’t let my parents dictate who I dated. They were guilt tripping me into it.

“It’s only one night. Let me secure them as a client and you won’t have to deal with him again,” Dad promised.

Air escaped my lungs and so had the fight in me. Dad needed his job, therefore we needed it. What was one night? Then I remembered Ox asking me out Friday night. I’d told him I was busy. Had he known about the dinner? Would he and his family hold it over our heads?

I couldn’t eat another bite. I tossed my napkin over my half eaten dinner and headed to my room. I picked my phone from the charger and dialed my best friend for advice.

“
Oh my God
,
Kelley,” she begged.

“Keep quiet or someone will hear,” I whispered fiercely.

It was after school, but her words would carry in the silence. The mostly unused bathroom in the back of the school was a popular spot to make out. Last thing I needed was to get caught. I’d been in enough brawls that the principal had warned me I was on a short leash. And I’d promised Mom I would graduate high school eventually.

Luckily, the girl wrapped around me complied, closing her red stained lips shut. I’d learned over the last two years girls liked to be told what to do during sex, which suited me fine.

I shoved in and out of her until I was close enough. The secret to girls getting off lay between their legs. The magic button would send them into never-never land if I touched it right. I stroked it, not bothering to carry on much longer. She’d already pulled me from the zone with her shouts and who knew if someone was coming.

As soon as my finger made contact, she lifted off. Her back arched and her pussy milked my dick like one would milk a cow. I bit my lower lip, holding in a groan. Everything drifted away in those final seconds. I was lost to the pleasure that coursed through me. The feeling was like a drug, and I’d worked my way through the girls in the school to get my fix.

Everything was silent for a couple of beats as my heart thundered in my chest. Finally, I pulled out and flushed the condom in a stall a few feet away. I turned around to find her straightening her clothes. I tucked myself away and did my pants up.

“So, are you coming to my graduation party Friday night?”

“You don’t graduate until May.”

She shrugged. “I’m celebrating all year. Are you coming or what?”

I glanced her over as she stood with her hands folded over her chest.

“What’s in it for me?”

Her mouth split in a grin, and she moved over to me, swaying her hips. But we’d fucked and it wasn’t the first time. Further, I wasn’t pussy whipped by girls like a lot of other guys in school.

“Me, of course,” she said, sliding her arms up my chest and gazing into my eyes like I should be impressed with that offer.

“And I have you.”

Her smile turned into a pout, and she slapped at my chest but without any force.

“You can be so mean sometimes. Is that the green-eyed monster coming out of you? I actually like your blue eye better.”

It was my turn to shrug. I ignored her statement about my bi-colored eyes. It was the best way to get people not to talk about it. “What do you want me to say? You want me to come halfway across town to some lame party for what? So you can make him jealous.”

I didn’t have to say his name. We both knew who I was talking about. The dumbass was the reason we’d hooked up. Mr. Quarterback had left the second game of the season with a shoulder injury. Scouts had been there and he’d lost the opportunity to go to his school of choice because the injury would keep him from completing the season.

Coach had sent me in, and I rallied the team to victory. We’d gone on weeks later to win state with me at the helm.

Her boyfriend took out his frustrations on her by breaking up with her right before the homecoming dance. His reasons had been she wasn’t putting out. That’s when the future prom queen set her sights on me. Dumbass missed out. Because the prom queen wasn’t as frigid as he thought she was. She gave it up to me right after the homecoming dance. And we’d been sort of going out ever since. I refused to call her my girlfriend because who knew if we would move again. This was the longest we’d stayed in any one place. But having a steady girl to bang made things easier.

“Who cares if he’s jealous?” she said, bringing me out of my thoughts.

“Who’s going to be there?”

“Seniors, of course.”

Of course. “I’m only a sophomore.”

Her shoulders rose and fell, making her chest bounce a little with the action. Tits were my Kryptonite. I let my eyes find hers again, and she smirked.

“You’re the star quarterback. No one cares what grade you’re in.”

“How am I going to get home?” No doubt the party would run late, and the buses didn’t travel out to her neighborhood much after dusk.

“My parents will be out of town. You can sleep over, and I’ll take you home in the morning.”

The idea of not sleeping at my house won me over. “Fine, I’ll be there.”

She grinned and moved over to plant a kiss on my lips. I let her but didn’t take it further. I got the mechanics of how to kiss. It was a lot like sex, only fucking a girl’s mouth with my tongue. But kissing complicated things. Whenever I kissed a girl, they seemed to read a lot more in the relationship than there really was. So I’d stopped doing it.

“See you tomorrow,” she chirped before she practically bounced out the door.

I glanced at myself in the mirror, buying time. There was no reason to go home right now and every reason not to. Dad would be home from his current job as one of the crew on a fishing boat. He was gone in the mornings and home in the afternoons. It was better to get home later after he’d had several beers and finally passed out in his favorite chair. Still, I had nothing to do, and I’d been kicked out more than once by teachers who’d caught me in the halls too late after school. I sighed and walked as slowly as I could the few miles home.

When I arrived, Dad’s beat-up truck wasn’t parked in the drive. My mood suddenly lightened. I wouldn’t have to hide in my room. I could get something to eat.

Only when I walked in, Mom was there. Sandy made good on his word and sent her money every month. She quit one of her jobs and only worked at night at the bar because she made more in tips than she had as an administrative assistant at the accountant’s office in town. But she was usually gone to work by now.

The sound of the door closing caused her eyes to lift and land on me. She’d been leaning on the counter, and she straightened. She focused red-rimmed eyes on me and my heart sank. Mom wasn’t a crier. If she had been crying, then shit was bad. Before I could ask, she moved in my direction with purpose. I’d grown a lot in the past two years, so when she wrapped her arms around my chest, the top of her head was several inches below my shoulder.

“Kelley,” she sobbed.

Immediately on red alert, I was unprepared for her tears. I felt helpless under their weight. Did we have to move? Had she lost her job? Had Dad died? If that last were true, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.

“What’s wrong?”

When she didn’t answer, I created enough distance to glance in her eyes.

“It’s Sandy.”

The world tilted, or it felt that way.

“Is he hurt? Is he coming home?” I asked, hopeful.

Despite what I saw in her expression, I hoped I was right. Only, her next words would haunt me for the rest of my life.

She shook her head. “No, he’s…he’s dead.”

I stumbled back away from her. I bumped into Dad’s recliner and sat, not caring he’d kick my ass if he found me there. A burn started in my eyes, followed by an ache so deep, like an axe was embedded in my chest.

“He can’t be,” I choked.

Mom came over and hovered over me where I sat. It was her turn to comfort me as she had all my life. She wrapped her tiny arms around me and pressed my face into her chest like I did when I was little. After all, her kisses on all my cuts and scrapes would instantly heal them. Maybe she could somehow heal my broken heart. But it wouldn’t heal. That hole could never be filled. My brother, my best friend, was gone.

I’d spoken to him the week before. He was looking forward to coming home in two years. He was tired of death, and it claimed him.

Between sobs and maybe some of my own, muffled words of explanation came out of her. “I got the call. His funeral will be on Saturday.”

The next few hours were a blur. I didn’t know who clung to who, Mom or me. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen my brother. We couldn’t afford Internet or those fancy phones. So I had only heard his voice over the years he’d been deployed overseas.

I rocked in my chair like a mental case. I wanted nothing more than to break things. But we didn’t have much and what we did, Mom had worked hard to afford. So I yelled out my frustrations at God. Why couldn’t he have taken our father instead?

When Dad got home, shit got real. “What the fuck, Kelley.”

Immediately, my defenses went up, but a moment too late. The first blow came because he thought I’d caused Mom to cry. It was one of the few times he acted like he cared about her, so I took the lick, welcoming the coming numbness. My swing was all air. Dad evaded.

Mom cried out when she stepped between us and caught the punch meant for me. Blood trickled down the corner of the mouth she covered.

“See, boy, what you made me do.”

I no longer believed in superheroes, but in that moment, I wished for one. Seeing Mom hurt made me reckless. I barreled into my father only to hit a brick wall. He swung up, catching me in the eye. I managed to stand tall and with my eye swelling, blindly took a swing or two, wanting my life to end knowing nothing good would come from my brother’s death.

“James, stop. Sandy’s dead.”

Dad listened to Mom for once and his hand dropped to his side while I panted. Mom’s words echoed in my head, and I dropped to my knees. Water leaked from my eyes as it sank down deep. He wasn’t coming home. He wouldn’t rescue us. I was Mom’s only hope.

“What?” Dad murmured.

“Sandy died last night from IED,” Mom answered.

Like me, my father wanted to break something. It turned out I was the only thing he could break that would eventually mend. In my prone positon, he gave me no defense. No matter how hard I fought back, the blows rained down as I sought oblivion.

Before it came, I yelled in my head at God and the government. My brother died for his country, making this world a safer place. Only if I lived through the nightmare, his death made me less safe. Dad was sure to continue to show his displeasure that I was his surviving son.