Cheap Shot (13 page)

“My gut is telling me I love you,” he
whispered, agony apparent in his voice. “Can’t that be enough for now?”

“There was a time when it would have been,
but it’s not anymore. You’re not the only one who’s changed. I have too, and
I’ve decided I want all or nothing. If you still don’t think you have it in you
to give your all to this, then I want nothing from you.”

“I’m gonna ask for the same thing you did…
just a little more time to—”

“Our time’s run out, Jaxon. You need to
leave. Now.”

Jaxon was still reeling when he
returned to the office. He couldn’t believe what had happened with Sela. He had
been so sure they were on the right track, then she’d thrown a major roadblock
in his path. The M word. He wasn’t opposed to marriage
someday
. But
right now? No way. Not even to Sela. He didn’t want to make a mistake and live
to regret it the way his parents had.

“Jax, I’m glad I caught you,” Zach said,
reaching for Jaxon’s arm before he stepped on the elevator. “Have you got a
minute? There’s something I’d like to talk to you about before I bring it up at
the board meeting this afternoon.”

The board meeting. Jaxon couldn’t believe
he’d let something so important slip his mind. That just proved how much of his
mind Sela was monopolizing. As much as he loved her, he couldn’t afford to
become complacent when everything he’d worked so hard for was on the line.

“Of course,” Jaxon said. “I was just
heading to my office. Why don’t we talk in there?”

As soon as they were behind closed doors,
Zach said, “I didn’t want to talk about this out there, but what the hell
happened with Riley last night?”

“He put something in Sela’s drink.” Jaxon
slipped off his jacket and set it on the back of his swivel chair. “Thankfully
the security cameras caught him in the act. When the police watched it, they
had him.”

“Is he in jail?” Zach asked, sitting in the
guest chair in front of Jaxon’s desk.

“I have no idea.” Jaxon rolled back the
sleeves on his white shirt before loosening the knot on his lavender silk tie.
He had to power through a mountain of work before the meeting unless he wanted
to give his partners the impression he’d been slacking off. “I haven’t heard.”

“I heard they hauled you downtown,” Zach
said. “Riley accused you of assault and making death threats. What the hell was
that about?”

Jaxon wished he’d had the foresight to stop
for a second cup of coffee. He would need it just to field his friend’s
questions. “It’s a long story. Suffice it to say he hurt Sela, and I wasn’t
going to let him get away with it.”

Zach smiled. “I heard that was back on.
Dylan mentioned something about her working in the V.I.P. lounge. When did that
happen?”

“When you were on that five-day road trip.”
Jaxon’s partners rarely got involved in hiring at the bar level since that was
the manager’s responsibility. “But I wouldn’t say we’re back together. Quite
the opposite, in fact.” Jaxon fired up his computer, hoping his friend would
take the hint that he didn’t want to talk about Sela.

“What happened?”

“She had a boyfriend. Now she doesn’t.”

“That’s good for you, right?” Zach frowned.
“Come on, I know you’ve never gotten over her. Don’t you want her back?”

“Of course I do. I’m just not sure I want
her back on her terms, and they seem non-negotiable.”

“What are her terms?” Zach asked.

Jaxon repressed a sigh. Apparently Zach
wasn’t going to let it go. “She wants it all, marriage, kids, the whole deal.”

“So? What’s wrong with that? You love her,
don’t you?”

“It’s not as simple as that, and you know
it. Marriage… that’s a big step, one I’m not sure I’m ready to take.”

“Then you’ll lose her again. Is that what
you want?”

Jaxon glanced at the shiny gold band on his
friend’s finger. Marriage had been a no-brainer for Zach, but he came from a
loving, supportive family. He would never understand what it felt like to have
the rug ripped out from under you when you were too young to even know what
suicide meant.

“Of course that’s not what I want, but I
don’t want to mess up her life either,” Jaxon said.

“What makes you so sure you will?”

“I have a terrible track record with
relationships. You guys know that better than anyone.”

“People change, Jax. You’ve changed since
you and Sela broke up. I’ve seen it.”

Jaxon couldn’t deny that was true, but he
felt light years away from being ready to recite those all-important vows.
“What if I turn out to be a coward like him? What if I bail when things get
tough like I did last time?”

“You mean when you broke up with Sela?”

“Yeah.” Just the thought of hurting her
again made him sick, but the worst part was that he couldn’t swear, even to
himself, that the urge to flee was gone. His dad had bailed on him, and he’d
bailed on every woman who got too close. It was a pattern he couldn’t ignore.

“I don’t understand why you wanted her back
in your life if you weren’t sure you could go the distance this time,” Zach
said, sounding as frustrated as Jaxon felt.

“I don’t understand it either.” He rubbed
his forehead, wondering if it was possible for his head to explode from all the
pressure he put on himself. “I didn’t think that far into the future. I knew I
loved her and I’d made a mistake letting her go, but I didn’t know if she’d
ever speak to me again.”

“So the thought of a future with her never
entered your head?”

“Sure, it did, as an abstract idea. But now
that I’m confronted with the reality, I’m scared shitless.” Jaxon could only
admit that to his best friends. “I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt her
again, and how do I know for sure I won’t?” He felt a chill sweep through him.
“What if we got married and she got pregnant?”

“Would that be so terrible?” Zach shook his
head. “Man, I know you’ve been through a lot with your family, but take it from
me, being a parent can be incredible. You don’t have to repeat your parents’
mistakes. You know what it can do to a kid, having a parent who’s messed up.
You wouldn’t do that to your son or daughter.”

“But that’s just it,” Jaxon whispered,
barely able to hear himself. “I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t. People
repeat patterns. Any shrink will tell you kids are a product of their
environment. They grow up to live out the same self-destructive patterns their
parents did.”

“I didn’t know your old man, but I can say
you’re nothing like your mother.”

“Are you sure about that?” Jaxon felt his
doubt and fear growing. “Many would say I’m just like her. A control freak.
Bitter. Resentful. Angry.”

“You’re also fun, caring, generous,
ambitious… one of the best friends I’ve ever had.”

“Those are the reasons Sela fell in love
with me,” he said, feeling any hope about the future slipping away. “But the
other sides of my personality… those could give her reason to hate me. I don’t
want her to hate me.”

“Buddy, have you talked to your therapist
about this? You’re paying him to help you work through your messed-up childhood
so you can have a normal, healthy relationship, right?”

Jaxon rolled his eyes. “He’s not a miracle
worker. He can’t make me normal.”

“Just do me a favor,” Zach said, reaching
for the phone. “Make an appointment to see him. Today. Tell him it’s an
emergency.”

“We have the board meeting,” he said.
“Besides, didn’t you want to talk to me about something?”

“That can wait. This can’t.”

*   *   *

Jaxon sat across from the psychologist he’d
been seeing for the past several months, wondering why they hadn’t had a
breakthrough yet. He wanted to get better, didn’t he? He wanted to be strong
enough and brave enough to have a normal relationship. so why couldn’t he get
past his fear?

“Did you hear what I said, Jaxon?” Dr.
Masters asked.

“I’m sorry, what?” Jaxon returned his
attention to the man seated across from him.

Dr. Masters had shrewd dark eyes and wiry
silver hair that brushed his collar. His steel-framed glasses always slipped
down his nose when he was regarding a patient, and he reminded Jaxon so much of
his father, it hurt. “I asked you what happened to prompt this setback. The
last time we talked, you were so sure about your feelings for Sela.”

“It’s not my feelings for her I’m
questioning,” Jaxon said, trying to sort through his jumbled thoughts. “It’s me
I’m doubting.”

He slipped the tip of the silver pen into
his mouth and mumbled around it, “Go on.”

“I don’t know if I have what it takes to
make her happy.”

“What do you think it would take to make
her happy?”

“She wants a man who’ll be there for her no
matter what.”

“I see,” he said, tapping the pen against
his chin. “And you can’t be sure you would be?”

“I don’t have a crystal ball. I’d like to
believe I would, but how do I know for sure?”

Dr. Masters chuckled. “I’ve been married to
my wife for thirty-seven years, and I’m still taking it one day at a time.”

“What do you mean?”

“Thinking about forever can seem like an
overwhelming prospect. I’d suggest thinking about how you feel today, right
this minute.”

“I miss her like hell already,” Jaxon
admitted. “And I just left her this morning.”

“That says a lot, wouldn’t you say?”

“But she wants me to promise I’ll be the
kind of husband and father dreams are made of, and I can’t promise that,” he
said, irritation seeping into his voice. “I’m afraid of disappointing her.”

“I don’t think any man can make that kind
of promise.” Dr. Masters narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure those are Sela’s
expectations and not yours?”

“Why would you ask that? You think I make
this stuff up to torture myself?” Jaxon rarely pulled punches with the good
doctor, which supposedly made their sessions better.

“No, not at all.” Dr. Masters smiled. “I
think you’re hard on yourself. You’re your own worst critic, and there’s no
room in your life for failure.”

“Losers fail,” Jaxon said, curling his lip
in disgust. “I’m not a loser.”

“But your father was?”

Jaxon recoiled. He’d never characterized
his father as a loser. A coward, yes, but never a loser. “When did I say that?”

“You didn’t have to say it. You felt it.”

“You’re wrong.”

“It’s okay to admit it. You’re not
disparaging your father’s memory. You have a right to your feelings, just like
he had a right to do what he did.”

“He had no right to take his life!” Jaxon
shouted. “He had a family who was counting on him!”

“And that’s what you’re afraid of, aren’t
you? Having people count on you?”

“My mother’s been counting on me to support
her for years,” Jaxon reminded him.

“Yes, and you resent her because of it. You
feel it was supposed to be the other way around. She was supposed to be taking
care of you until you could care for yourself. Isn’t that right?”

Jaxon shrugged. He hated analyzing his
relationship with his mother even though he knew it was the root of all of his
problems. “I guess so.”

“Now you’re afraid you’ll come to resent
Sela if you allow her to depend on you… just like you resent your mother.”

Jaxon stared at the therapist in shock. Was
that his problem? “I want Sela to need me.” He felt almost guilty admitting it,
but it was true. He wanted to be the one she turned to when she needed
something.

“Do you suppose you feel that way because
Sela is independent? Based on what you’ve told me about her, she didn’t need
her parents’ help when she decided to change her life. She could have continued
working at her father’s law firm.”

“That’s true,” Jaxon said, considering the
situation from a new perspective.

“She walked away from that opportunity
because she knew no matter what, she’d always be able to take care of herself.
She decided she wanted to be happy while doing it.”

“You’re right.”

“She didn’t need her parents, and she
doesn’t need you, Jaxon. How does that make you feel?”

Jaxon swallowed repeatedly, trying to voice
his fears. “It scares me. She doesn’t need me, but I’m beginning to realize how
much I need her.”

“How do you know she doesn’t need you?”

Jaxon remembered her words that morning.
“She’s not willing to settle for less than she deserves. If I can’t give her
what she needs, she’ll find someone who can.”

“As she should. Isn’t that the reason you
let her go the first time?”

Jaxon realized they’d come full circle.
He’d put himself in the position of losing her all over again. “Yes.”

The doctor’s gaze was sharp when he asked,
“It seems to me you’re at a crossroads. You have to decide which way to go.”

*   *   *

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Dylan
said, giving Sela a hug. “But you know you didn’t have to come in tonight.”

She laughed. “Tell my landlord that when my
rent is late.” She subconsciously glanced over Dylan’s shoulder, looking for
his partner.

“He hasn’t been in tonight,” he offered.
“Actually, he made us reschedule a board meeting, which isn’t like him. He said
he had something important to take care of, and it couldn’t wait. You wouldn’t
know anything about that, would you?”