Choices (18 page)

I reach behind my back and undo my bathing suit top. When it slips away, his eyes widen as I allow him to look at me. He watches, seemingly entranced, when I bend and remove the rest of my clothing. Then, I re
ach for his towel and drop it on the floor. My body is naked, but I feel completely bared to him, body and soul. Today, I am exposing more than my skin.

We step into each othe
r, and he kisses me with such tenderness that a tear escapes my eye. Slowly lowering me to the couch, his body on mine, I surrender. “I belong to you, Brody.” I whisper. A look of surprise, then desire, flashes on his face. “I belong to you.”

He bites his lower lip, staring into my eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you, Quince. But I’m not strong enough to walk away.”
This time, his lips scorch me. I imagine that they leave a mark, branding me as his.

All of our times together have been beautiful, but
we have breached a barrier. I have no idea where we stand. I just know it isn’t where we were before.

Reaching for his shorts, Brody retrieves a condom. He grins sheepishly and says, “This is what took me so long upstairs.” I don’t even mind that he thought I was a sure thing
. I knew he was.

After he rolls on the condom, I pull him to me, wrapping my legs around him. I am disappointed when he pulls back. “No, baby, I am going to take my time with you. I want to remember every detail.” Slowly, ever so slowly, he kisses down my neck, to my chest, and down my stomach to my thighs.
He kisses a path all of the way to my toes, lighting a fire wherever he touches.

Kissing his way back up the other leg, he finally rests between my thighs. When he pushes inside me, I nip his shoulder with my teeth. My fingernails dig into his back. But he takes his time, moving slowly, worshiping my body.
I hear his every sigh, feel his heart pounding. And a fire grows within me, small and warm, until it consumes me. When I shatter, I pull him over the edge with me. Exhausted, I wrap my arms around him as he rests his head on my chest.

The thunder claps loudly, and lightning flashes on the wall. We may be inside, but the storm rages on around us.
“I’ll never be afraid of thunder again.” He breathes against me.

“See? I’m better than a therapist.” I giggle and absently run my fingers through his hair. “And it didn’t cost you anything.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that.” He raises his head to look into my eyes. “It may have cost me more than either of us know.” His words are cryptic, but I am not unaware of his sacrifice. And my role in it.

He gets up to dispose of the condom and grabs
a blanket from a nearby chair. We lay together on the couch, and a small part of me wishes that we could stay here forever. Another cynical part reminds me that we aren’t living in a fairytale.

For the first time, I feel as if we have connected emotionally as well as physically. We discuss music, books, and even philosophy. This is the most we’ve ever talked, and I love each new piece of him that I discover. We have more in common than I ever imagined.
I grow braver, and I finally ask him something I’ve always wondered about.

“Br
ody, Alex says you don’t date. And you’re telling me you don’t do relationships. Why? I mean, why not?” His body stiffens against me, and I feel him holding his breath. I’m afraid I’ve crossed a line.
He’s not going to answer me.

Slowly exhaling, he begins to sp
eak. “It’s not about a girl, but at the same time, it is. I had a girlfriend named Paige all through high school. We were together four years, and I caught her cheating on me. I wasn’t devastated or anything because I was already beginning to feel like we needed a break from each other.”

I am shocked.
Why would anyone cheat on Brody?
When I look at him, I see near perfection. I’m not so naïve that I believe that’s all that matters. But I’m finding that I like who Brody is on the inside, where it counts.

“Later, she told me she had an abortion without even discussing it with me. I knew
then that she wasn’t who I thought she was. She wasn’t someone I could be with.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out, almost as if he’s trying to calm himself. “I just haven’t found anyone I wanted to be with since then.”

Nothing could have prepared me for those words. My heart hurts for him, and I begin
to understand why he is who he is. I know all about broken trust and betrayal. I know there just isn’t anything anyone can say to make it better. Instead, I reassuringly squeeze him tighter to me.

“You know, it’s not even about her. It’s not even
about the cheating. It’s that she robbed me of my choice. I realize we weren’t ready to be parents. We would never have stayed together. But I deserved to know.” He sounds far away, his mind in another time and place.

I hear hurt and anger in his voice. But I also hear guilt. I know how it feels to carry the burden of something you could have never changed. “I’m so, so sorry.” And I am. For him and for me.

We lay silently for a long while, until we notice that the storm has
passed, the air clear and calm. “Come on, babe. We need to get back so you can study. We dress in silence. And each time I steal a glance his way, I see him not for the man he is but for the man he will become.

Driving home, we make small talk. When we stop to eat at a small diner, I feel a definite shift in our relationship. I don’t know what
it means, maybe nothing, but things are changing.

He leaves me outside Baxter Hall, and when he drives away, tears roll down my
face for the boy who has claimed my heart.

Chapter 37

I can’t
sleep. Though my body is tired and weary, my mind is restless. It seems that I have traded one set of problems for a whole other set. My thoughts run laps inside my head, exhausting me both mentally and emotionally.

This weekend has been an emotional roller coaster. The situation with Declan tears a
t my heartstrings. He is more than anyone could ever hope for. When he takes my hand in his, I would follow him anywhere. The touch of his lips against mine doesn’t take my breath away, but it whispers of promise, commitment, and unfailing love. When he walks into a room, every single cell in my body doesn’t come alive. Time doesn’t stand still, and my heart doesn’t race. But does it have to? Is that really love at all?

I would be lying if I said
I never imagine what things would be like under different circumstances. I convince myself that if I had met him, and only him, at that party, we could have been happy together. But now I have lied. I have given myself to someone else. And there are some things that even time can never erase.

Truthfully, it is hard to think about Declan without somehow comparing him to Brody. That’s just not fair to any of us. Declan
deserves so much better than that, but selfishly, desperately, I hold on. I don’t know how to let him go.

Brody.
Just thinking about him changes everything. Declan would be so good to me. He would be good
for
me. But when I am with Brody, nothing else feels right. I have room in my heart to love two boys, but I only have room in my life for one of them.

Declan is like a slow burning fire
, a flickering light in a world of chaos. Being with him would be effortless, and his love would be warm and comforting, a place to find solace in times of need. Brody is like a wildfire, fast and out of control. Once unleashed, there is no containing him. His love might be beautiful, but it has the power to consume me from the inside out. Loving Brody is easy. Being with him is not.

When Brody and I
are alone, especially at the cabin, I convince myself that we have something special together. Alone and secluded, it’s as if we become different people. Maybe it’s because our relationship has been built on lies and secrets. Maybe it’s because we are two damaged people, recognizing something familiar in each other. And maybe it’s simply because we no longer feel the need to hide. I realize Brody is risking a lot to be with me, and certain disaster awaits us. But none of that matters… when we are together.

The bonds of fraternal brotherhood are foreign to me. I don’t know what obligations brothers have toward one another. But I do understand the rules of friendship. Never lie to your friends. Never take them for granted. Never date someone your friend has dated.
And never, ever let a boy or girl come between you. I don’t know the consequences of breaking his bonds, but I know I couldn’t live without Jenna. Each time I am with Brody, he risks much more than I.

I’ve had sev
eral opportunities to open up to Brody. But I can’t. The words freeze on my tongue, and I choke them down. Although I’ve shared my body with him, I’ve been very careful to hide my demons. But when he shared his heartbreak with me, we crossed a line. I don’t want to read too much into it. It’s not like he declared his undying love and devotion to me. In the end, I know it’s not about trusting him. It’s about trusting myself.

Every time we say goodbye,
darkness lurks in my heart. My deepest insecurities yell that I am not good enough to keep him. Old doubts linger, like a poison, in my mind, begging for self preservation. The old Quincy would run fast and far. The new Quincy wants to grab hold with both hands. For the first time in my life, I want to stay and fight. I want to take back my happiness.

My mind wanders to something closer to home.
I haven’t heard from my mom or Katie, and I’m supposed to go home this weekend. For many reasons, the visit hangs over me like a cloud of dread. I have no idea if Katie is home yet. And if she is, I have no idea what I’ll be walking into. I just want to know she is safe, and I’ll deal with the rest when I have to.

The only highlight of the night?
A text from Declan. Not the same as a phone call, but it made my heart lighter. It comforted me, and I finally found some peace in sleep.

Declan: Night, sweet girl

When I finally roll out of bed, I feel as if I’ve been run over by a truck. It’s going to be a long day, as I will be studying to make up for the lost time yesterday. But I wouldn’t take it back for the world. And there is the issue of still having to face the day.

Chapter 38

I step out onto the steps in front of my dorm, hesitating a moment, to allow the sun to shine down on my face. I take a moment to enjoy the cooler weather and throw my backpack over my shoulder.

Jenna and I are meeting for breakfast, and I am super excited to see her. When I walk into Starbucks, she is already waiting for me. Standing, she excitedly calls my name and waves me over. I have missed this girl.

“Are you ready for my news?” She is bouncing up and down in her seat, eager to tell me her news.
I nod, knowing there is nothing I could do to stop her, even if I wanted to. “Eric and I are going to Asheville this weekend!” She squeals, her voice rising with each word.

“Oh, Jenna!
How awesome!” I know that taking the next step with Eric means a lot to her, and I am excited for her. “Does this mean what I think it does?”

“I don’t know, but I sure hope it does.” She smiles mischievously as she twirls a piece of her hair over her fingers. “Are you still planning to go home?”

“Yeah, I am. I don’t even know if Katie is home or not, but I need to go see the parents.” With all that has been going on, I just need a break from it all. What I’d really like to do is run off to Brody’s cabin all by myself.
Surely, I couldn’t screw that up.

“So, don’t think you’re getting off the hook. What the heck is going on
with Brody? He’s been a beast to get along with lately.” She smirks, still twirling her hair around her finger.

“Well, we went back to the cabin yesterday. It was like a dre
am. We went hiking, and he showed me a valley of wildflowers and a hot spring. Jenna, it was beautiful. We actually talked, like really talked, for the first time. I think I’m finally beginning to understand him.” I only hope he feels the same way back here in reality as he did at the cabin.

“Quince.
What about Declan?” I can hear the weariness in her voice. She knows I’m not good with confrontation.

“It’s breaking my heart. He hasn’t called all weekend. I guess he’s giving me some space. I told him I wasn’t ready to commit.” I am
still trying to convince myself that I’ve done the right thing.

“Girl, you
gotta know that he still thinks he has a chance. He’s holding on because he hopes you’ll change your mind. You know that, right?”
Why does she always have to be right?

“I think he got it this time. I’m kind of hoping we can stay friends if I handle it the right way.” I really don’t know if that would be possible if he knew who ‘the other person’ is.

“Quince, this is not going to end well if you don’t tell him about Brody. It might be OK, but that is not how these things usually go.” Yes, I know. It makes me physically ill to think of losing either of them.

My phone rings, and I reach for it. When I see who is calling, I point
to my phone and whisper, “Katie”. Jenna’s eyes widen, and she shrugs her shoulders. She thinks I’m too forgiving. And I probably am. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been there, but it’s even harder to explain to someone who has.

“Hello?” I answer
with uncertainty. Our last confrontation is still fresh on my mind, and I hold my breath until she speaks.

“Hey, Quince!
Whatcha up to?” It’s the real Katie today. I wonder where she is and how she’s been.

“Oh, just sitting here with Jenna. What’s up?”
I fight to keep my voice light, feeling her out.

“I’m in Knoxville, and I wondered if you might want to go to lunch?” I really need to study, but I don’t know when I’ll get this chance again.

“Sure. When do you want to go?” We make plans to meet outside the dorm in a few hours, and I really am happy to see her again. I’m just not ready to have her in my personal space after what happened last week.

When I hang up, I catch Jenna staring at me. “What?” She’s making me nervous, and I steel myself for a lecture about Katie.

Her eyes narrow as she absently plays with her phone. “You just amaze me. It just hit me while you were talking to her that I’ve never known anyone who has been through so much. Yet, you never let it get you down.” So not true. I’ve just learned to hide it better than most.

“Jenna, everyone has their own problems. Some are just worse th
an others.” It’s what I’ve told myself my whole life. I have repeated it enough times that you’d think I believed it. The truth is that everyone does have problems, but deep inside, my own weigh me down.  Sometimes, I just want to throw in the towel. Besides, Jenna is my glass half full person. She should be agreeing with me.

“I’m just telling you how I see it.”
She reluctantly stands and gives me a quick hug. “Love you, girl.”

“Love you, too.” For the hundredth time in my life, I wish Jenna and I had been sisters.
That’s just not right.

When I step out on the sidewalk, someone grabs my hand and pulls me betwe
en two buildings. Startled, I try to pull away. I open my mouth to scream when Brody turns me to face him. “Brody! You ass!” I punch him in the shoulder.

“I couldn’t let my girl walk by without a kiss, could I?”
The corners of his mouth twitch and his eyes work their magic on me.
Well, shit.

Throwing caution to the wind, I throw myself at him. He stumbles ba
ck against the stone wall and wraps his arms around me. The wind is blowing, and I can just feel the whispering of his hair blowing against my forehead. His hands twist in my hair and tug gently. He tastes like mint. I could do this all day. All. Day.

We jump apart at the sound of someone clearing his throat.
Holy hell.
It’s our psych professor, Dr. Grimes. He shakes his head and walks past us with a smug grin on his face.

As soon as he rounds the corner, we both burst out laughing. With tears running down our faces,
any passerby would think we look like a happy couple enjoying an inside joke. “Baby, that was hot! You should have seen the look on your face.” Laughing, Brody reaches and slides my backpack down my shoulders. He throws it over his shoulder, along with his own.

“Ha, ha.
You’re so funny.” I attempt sarcasm, but I can’t wipe the smile off my face. I have never done anything like that before. Other than a little embarrassment, I survived.

Walking to class with Brody feels so
normal
. The weather is milder now, making the heat bearable. The mornings and evenings are cool, but the heat of the day can still be intense. The breeze feels wonderful, blowing my hair away from my face. I sneak a look at Brody as we walk, and I realize this is the most relaxed I’ve ever seen him. The day is definitely looking up.

When we walk into class
, he pulls my backpack off his shoulder and hands it to me. He jokes about Dr. Grimes getting an eyeful, and we share a knowing smile on our way to our seats.

I hesitate when I see Declan. He is already seated, and he’s watching us. His eyes narrow as they
move from Brody to me.

I catch up to Brody and sit in my normal seat next to Declan. Brody sits beside Eric. When I smile and mu
mble a ‘hello’, his face clears as he smiles back at me. I love that smile, dimples and all.              

Our professor
walks in and announces a pop quiz. It takes me by surprise, and I hope I remember enough to pass. Studying is first on my list of things to do. I’ve never been unprepared for a quiz in my life, and it makes me feel anxious.

Dr. Grimes
looks around the room, and he pauses when he sees Brody and me. He looks back and forth, with Eric and Declan between us, and shakes his head before moving on.
Yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either.

During class, I noti
ce Brody texting on his phone. I hate myself for wondering who he’s talking to. A minute later, my phone vibrates.

Brody: Some girl attacked me on the way to class 2day

I smile before texting back.

Me: Some guy attacked me. Coincidence?

He picks up his phone and snorts when he reads my message.

Brody: Want me to kick his ass?

My smile widens. I want to believe he thinks I’m worth fighting for. I haven’t ever been in a fight, but I sure wanted to rip that girl, Whitney’s, hair out. When I peek at Brody, I notice Declan looking between us again. Shifting in my seat, I concentrate on my notes the rest of the hour.

After class
, Declan hangs back to walk to my next class with me. I wave to Brody and Eric, hoping they will take the hint. Brody has a thunderous expression on his face, and Eric looks downright pissed.
What a pair.

Declan
doesn’t take my hand like he used to, but he walks close to me. “Did you have a good weekend?” He sounds hesitant, almost nervous.

“I did, but I missed your calls.” I nudge his arm with my shoulder. When I look up at him, a smile spreads across his face.

“Yeah, well, I missed you, too.” He nudges me back, and the world seems a better place.

We walk in comfortable silence, but I suddenly
remember my lunch date. “Katie called. She’s in Knoxville, and she asked me to go to lunch later today.” I sigh. “I want to see her, but I dread the walking on pins and needles. I mean, she hasn’t called since that day she showed up here. I don’t even know what to expect.”

“I wish you didn’t have to go through th
at. I would do it for you if I could.” He sympathetically pats me on the shoulder. I draw such comfort from that small touch.

“I know you would. She actually seemed pretty normal, and I’ve missed her.”
And that is why I know I have to see her.

Once we reach my building, Declan stops and pulls me into a comforting hug. “Good luck, Quincy. Call if you need anything.” Again, I understand why he is the chaplain of his fraternity. He always seems to know exactly what to say, and he says just enough without saying too much.

I watch him walk away, and I wonder if it’s possible to love more than one boy at a time. Because I sort of do.

I sit through English Lit and study until lunch time. I have been so anxious that I am relieved when Katie pulls up outside my dorm.

The windows are down and the music is turned up loud. The smile on her face is priceless, and I am filled with love for the girl sitting here with me. We decide on a place to go, and I find myself staring at Katie while she drives. She looks so carefree, so much like she did before she got sick, that I cannot take my eyes off her. She is beautiful.

Sitting on the patio at my favorite bistro, we laugh and gossip like old friends. “You w
ill not believe what Aunt Tammy did the other day!” She squirms in her seat, bursting at the seams to tell me. “Mom made us lunch, and we were all just sitting there in the kitchen. All of a sudden, I smelled the worst smell I’ve ever smelled in my life!” I am already laughing because I know where this is headed. “I swear I was either going to gag or bust a gut! She lied about it, but she practically shit on us right there in the kitchen!” Now, we both have tears running down our faces. “And you know me. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t talk, and Mom got mad at me because I couldn’t stop. Tammy was madder than hell. But what the crap? Who does that?”

I laugh so hard
I know my sides will hurt tomorrow. “Stop it, Katie, stop! I’m going to pee on myself.” Only Katie can get to me like this. When she’s on, she’s on. But when she’s off, she’s way off.

We laugh and visit for a couple of hours but I know I have to get back. I’m way behind on my studies
, and it’s making me paranoid.

The drive to Baxter Hall is quiet
, and it hurts to watch her drive away. I don’t know when I’ll see this Katie again. I just want to hold onto her for a while longer, but I already feel her slipping away.