Colour Series Box Set (18 page)

I remember clearly having to identify her body in the morgue. You see when the mob doctors daughter dies and her mobster boyfriend is missing they call his criminal best friend not wanting to garner any outside attention. I never loved a girl again after her, if Cassie had loved me not Rowan she’d be alive today. I always believed that Rowan could not feel at all. Tonight however I heard something in his voice that he almost cared about what he had done; it was as if my secret had hurt him. I had hurt the man of stone. He has never reacted to job like he did tonight. Never. I am pretty sure it has to do with the fact that his mentor and father figure’s daughter is holed up in his house after he faked her murder. I worry about that, no one back home knows he is alive. He is the last living Leahy boy and would be a huge target, something he seems to have forgotten along the way. Or he was never aware Mick kept him protected. Now the last of the Spillane’s is living in his spare room a match made in crime heaven or hell depending who you ask.

I was so angry with him when he told me what he had done and that Lauri was in his house. Essentially he was holding her prisoner. I was livid she came from a family that you do not mess with. Her father may be dead but Mick’s brothers were very much alive, they may be hiding in America somewhere, but they are still powerful and that lady would be considered the boss if anyone knew she was alive at all. Mick was my uncle, so I guess that the prisoner in Rowan’s spare room is the cousin I was never allowed to meet. My Pop didn’t
allow us to have anything to do with Ma’s family. Their marriage had in fact been arranged and was a bid to end the long standing feud between the two families. It didn’t work. My Pop killed her when I was three. I watched him do it right in front of me. He made his problem go away and I was left behind a disappointing reminder of her. An inconvenient blood stain on his life.

When Rowan showed me the picture of my cousin yesterday I wanted to be sick, literally vomit. She has been mutilated. Her husband ‘Renzo’ Lorenzo Baldini, who I have spent the day digging dirt on, has beaten, stabbed, burned and scarred her whole body. How anyone, never mind a petite woman like her survived that kind of torture is amazing. She must be made of cast iron. I have a feeling that Rowan’s sudden attack of feelings is directly related to her. He was in charge of keeping her safe when Mick died. He watched her like a hawk for eight long years to the point of obsession and when she married and seemingly had a perfect life he stopped and got on with his own life and business.

Rowan doesn’t know that she is my cousin or that my mom was Mick’s sister it was a rather tightly guarded secret. I am not sure if I should share it with him or not. He doesn’t seem to care about blood lines or family or Ireland since he has no family at all. I do know that I want to kill her husband almost as much as he does, and I don’t do murder. He wants to try fix her, rebuild her life for her. I don’t know if he can? That kind of physical trauma can only have caused some pretty deep emotional scars that I don’t think can be healed. I do know that I will not let Rowan the heartless try on his own I am going to suggest he get her a therapist. I will even suggest mine. Given she is already privy to the fact that we are all cold hearted criminals she may be the only one that Lauri could see.

I’m going to his estate in Franschoek this afternoon to deliver her identity documents and bank cards. It will be the first time I see her in the flesh I have only even seen a few images that Rowan showed me when he watched her and the picture from yesterday that is burned into my brain. Why dear God, why could my father not have been a dentist instead of and international criminal? I’m afraid to meet the girl that my family dubbed a ghost, Mick fled to Africa with her when she was only two years old. The family believed she was dead or lost when Mick was killed that was it as for as they were concerned Spillane was no longer a threat to their business. As with all things in this world though there will always be a hierarchy and no matter who thinks what, Leahy and Spillane will always be above O’Reilly on that list and if came out they were not in fact gone my father’s loyal thugs would go back to being loyal to the real bosses. My father stole the respect he has by murdering those in his way. He wouldn’t stop now.

Rowan is so pissed at me that I am dreading the visit. I wouldn’t be surprised if he shoots me; if I was anyone else he would have been here, shot me and left already. It’s time to come clean about the trafficking with him. I know he is going to shit a melon over this. I hate it but I can’t get away from it. I am curious to meet the illusive cousin though, Lauri may be Rowan’s little pet, but to me she is a secret I can use with my family when I need a bargaining chip.

Rowan is all I have here in this shit-hole country. We came here together and I am pretty sure we will both die here in Africa where our families sent us to rot. I’m loyal to him, but only as long as I need him, no matter what, our families are sworn enemies. I’ll have to choose them over him if it ever came to it. For now, he’s my brother and she’s my cousin.

I’M STARTING TO
feel the panic rising in my throat as the afternoon wears on; the thought of Rowan’s friend coming over has me shaken. Swallowing my own spit has become hard and my chest is starting to tighten with every breath I take. I was alright this morning to go to Robin but somehow this Callum coming here has me spooked. Rowan is still asleep on the couch blissfully unaware of my current stare of absolute panic. I’ve done all the prep I can for dinner and cleaned up the kitchen, I’m beginning to fidget uncontrollably and it’s making it worse for me by the second. I need a distraction but I cannot find one, nothing could still my racing mind right now.

When I was first got married, I suffered panic attacks the hours before Renzo would return home from work they became debilitating for a while where I couldn’t function for the most part of the afternoon. Over time my mind become accustomed to what was my reality and I no longer panicked but I did shut down mentally during the abuse. I can feel that this is a panic attack about to burst out and my chest is getting tighter, my breaths shallower and I am feeling light headed. I manage to lunge towards Rowan on the lounge and I think I squeak out his name before I pass out with my newly tattooed shoulder and head hitting the floor hard. My eyeballs fill with a liquid feeling I cannot control. Everything hurts then goes black.

I wake up a little while later to Rowan’s worried face hovering over me, he’s way too close and I’m still lying on the floor; I can smell the metallic iron smell of blood, most likely from my stupid head hitting the tiles. I can taste it in my mouth too. I groan out loud and use Rowan’s shoulders to haul myself into a sitting position. I will have a few bruises from that fall; the slate floors are unforgiving.

He looks so worried and is holding me tightly which is in no way helping my level of panic right now. Please let go, I don’t need to this all over again, I try pulling myself from his death grip.

“What the hell Lauri? Are you okay? I woke up to you bleeding and unconscious, what the fuck happened?” He looked so afraid while shaking me by the shoulders. I need him to stop, to let go.

“It’s nothing Rowan. I had a panic attack I tried to call you before I passed out but I guess I didn’t.” I snap back now embarrassed.

“It’s not nothing. You are bleeding, what do you mean panic attack? Has this happened before?” He inquires with a gentle rub to my now throbbing temple. I shudder at his touch and feel the muscles in body contract and stiffen into knots of anxiety.

“Not in a long time but I felt it coming on, I’m sorry I’m an idiot, I just started to panic about your friend visiting, people are not my thing.” I answer him looking at the floor not wanting to meet his eyes. He’s so close to my face that I can almost see through them. Breathe Lauri, just breathe.

“You were fine with Robin and Amya this morning? I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were this scared of people. I would never have put you in a situation like this.” Rowan talks softly to me now almost trying to calm my still evident panic. My panic is unpredictable, because I’ve never been in in situation where anything might happen and it scares me.

“I’m not sure why this morning was different I think I was so excited about the tattoo that I didn’t get a chance to panic and you distracted me with my new car and talk of food shopping.” I start to play with the sleeve of my shirt pulling it over my hands, trying to focus on that and not Rowan’s hands on my shoulders.

“I’m sorry Rowan I feel so stupid, I’m okay now we can just pretend this never happened.” I explain as I try to stand all the way up and push his hands off me.

Rowan helps me up and sits me on a kitchen chair while he silently fetches the first aid kit to clean and patch my head. I think he can tell I don’t want to discuss it anymore and he leaves it alone. I feel his phone buzz in his pocket as he stands next to me wiping the cut with some antiseptic. The smell makes me want to puke but I try to hide the fact from him. After eight years of cleaning and treating my own wounds, the smell of antiseptic is stomach turning at best. The sting on the cut has my pulse racing again. Calm down. Just calm down Lauri. He is going to think you’re a freak. Well more of a freak. I’m instantly reminded that Rowan has seen my body and I pull away from his touch. He stops and I can see the questions that his mouth won’t ask burning in his crystal blue eyes. His eyes give away everything his mind has to offer in just a look. I just shake my head and grab the first aid kit. I see his head fall in defeat as I stomp towards the bathroom to clean myself up. God knows I’ve done it enough times before I don’t need him to be so close, to touch me, it hurts. A hurt that he will never understand.

I’m almost done taping up the cut when I hear him outside the door. He knocks on the door there is a hesitant pause between each knock and he asks me if I am alright. His muffled voice with that damn accent creeps through the barrier between us. I don’t answer I just unlock the door so he can open it, my brain cannot string words together. I’m concentrating on not passing out again. As he steps through the door, he pulls me close to him and whispers into the top of my head that he is sorry then leaves again. My heart has stopped beating I’m sure, I haven’t been hugged since my wedding day when the devils family embraced me and welcomed me into hell. Renzo never apologized when I was hurt, he just let me know it’s what I deserved. He was never soft with me in any way. He had one purpose and that was to make me hurt, I had to be in pain and then he could be calm and function.

I walk slowly back to the kitchen, surprisingly calm. I feel calm. No panic. In those two words Rowan managed to quiet the storm that was raging in me. I don’t understand it but I feel like I am able to meet Callum now. Maybe even without losing touch with reality, I continue to clean the spotless kitchen to pass time. I scrub the counters and sink; I clean the stove, again. I can smell the ammonia of the kitchen cleaner burning my nostrils as I breathe it in. The skin on my hands is dry and pulls tight from the chemicals, but I cannot stop myself I need to do something while we wait or I will go right back to panic mode.

“Lauri, stop. It’s clean I promise. Come sit and watch the football with me before you wash the paint off the walls too.” Rowan calls over bringing me out of my cleaning trance and forcing me to go and sit near him. Rowan has been distracted all day today and even now he doesn’t seem to be watching the game. He is lost in his own thoughts. His fists open and close and he seems to be wound up tightly. The frown lines on his brow are deep and he taps his foot on the slate floor making an irritating noise, I’m holding myself back from jumping across the room and making him stop. I try to focus on the telly and not stare at Rowan, but I keep finding my eyes wondering to the man on the other couch. The murderer who looks nothing like a villainous monster, in fact if I didn’t know that he was a killer he would simply be another handsome wine maker and fit that description beautifully. That’s right Rowan was a beautiful, handsome man. His athletic body was hard and his dark hair was salt and pepper just around his temples and his eyes could stop traffic and any womans’ heart. But make no mistake about it, there is a monster in there, the worst kind of monster one that you could believe was personable.