Colour Series Box Set (21 page)

Amya has suggested I try finding a man a few times. I don’t want her to know that I’m terrified of being touched and that the thought of sex paralyzes me. So I just brush it off and say I’m not ready to date or I’m holding out for someone special. She buys it occasionally but I know she won’t drop it until I actually show some interest in men. She did ask me if I preferred girls. This resulted in me choking on my wine while trying to control a fit of laughter. I’m most certainly not into girls; I do believe I’m just not into anyone who comes close enough to touch me. I’m excited to have my friends here to eat my food in my home.

The kitchen is filled with aromas of fresh baked bread that is cooling down and the seafood sauce I have prepared for the fresh pasta I’m busy rolling out. I’m in heaven sipping my wine and dancing around the kitchen to my favourite songs on the iPod I have shoved in my ears. I have an idea to turn one of the old sheds down at the estate into a restaurant that will open for lunches on the weekends but I haven’t broached the topic with Rowan yet. I sounded it off Amya and she thinks it will be great but my faith in myself isn’t quite there yet. I just need something to do and I am getting bored just existing at the house all the time. I want to do what I love. I love to cook; I need to have some sort of purpose to keep going or the only place I will go is crazy.

My perfectly cut fettuccine is ready to go in the pot as soon as our guests arrive and I am working on a chocolate dessert that could induce a sugar coma. I set the patio table for tonight, I love to eat out there in the fresh air it is just perfect with the view of the vineyards going on for miles. The dusky evening sky is so beautiful over the valley that I could get lost in it every day. I’m in love with the Franschoek Valley and I think I will stay here forever. Rowan may disagree eventually but for now, I’m home and I plan to enjoy every minute I’m here. I’m about to plate up a platter of antipasto to go with tonight’s Italian feast when I see Rowan’s car pull into the driveway through the kitchen window, followed by the roar of Callum’s obnoxious Mercedes. Well the men are home, I’m sure Rob and Amya won’t be far behind so I pull out my ear-buds and get cracking on dinner. I am having an exceptionally good day today and I really want to show Robin how much my tattoo means and the best way I know how is with a good meal from the heart.

The guys come barrelling in through to Rowan’s office. I never go in there; I don’t want to go in there that’s where he works from it is his space I have invaded his home, but his office seems sacred somehow. The idea of it sort of scares me a little but also reminds me of my dad and his office, so I stay out. They both invade my kitchen trying to pick at my food and I swat their hands away a few times before Cal kisses me on the cheek and greets me with his friendly hug. I still tense at the touch. I know he’s trying to distract me so Rowan can steal a piece of bread. They may be grown men but together they are a like a bunch of teenage boys.

“Stop it you two, we are actually getting guests tonight,” I tell the two of them while trying to shoo them out. They only make it to the other side of the island but at least they can’t reach the food for now. Rowan pours them each a scotch and fills my wine glass while they watch me cooking. Callum’s eyes are wondering over my colourful arms when he interrupts my cooking.

“So it’s finally done, are we ever going to see more than just those arms?” Callum pipes up over the noise of my cooking he is so desperate to see the rest of the artwork. The roses that cover my shoulders and upper arm are interwoven with black filigree that joins them to all the other aspects of the tattoo. On my chest is a heart almost like Rowan’s but it’s empty. The only place my scars are still visible. Sort of symbolic Robin said of the scars that are on the inside like a window into my pain. There's the most stunning hummingbirds that adorn my spine and parts of my back surrounded by the most vivid colourful flowers and the same black filigree wraps around my sides joining front and back. On my stomach, there are hundreds of small detailed butterflies in bright colours over the black filigree. The filigree then swirls down my thighs and is only broken by a few small black and grey swallows. I’m in love with it and see some new detail every day. But I am not ready for anyone else to see it yet. Amya has seen some of it because she would sit and chat to me as Robin worked. Neither of them ever asked where or how I got my scars and I don’t think Rowan has enlightened them either. I just shake my head at Callum’s request and give him the finger for good measure. “Not yet, Cal I’m not ready.” He doesn’t argue and just carries on like it doesn’t bother him but I know it does. He might be my cousin but he’s still a man and baring my naked flesh to him makes me more than a little uncomfortable. Since my skin is covered in art I never feel completely naked, it’s as if I have an extra layer of my very own protection, but I’m not baring my flesh to my cousin. It feels weird.

My thoughts are interrupted by the gate buzzer, Robin and Amya are here. Rowan goes to open the gate as I add the finishing touches to dinner so I can greet them when they come in.

Amya joins me in the kitchen with a big hug, I stiffen a little at the contact. She is carrying a bottle of wine and is looking her usual put together hot self and I see all three of the men looking at her. They can be such perverts. Her very sexy fitted dress bares her shoulders and her jet black hair is styled in a very sexy sleek ponytail. I am sure it is the sexy as all hell red heeled pumps that make her legs look like man candy that has them all drooling the most. Robin kisses my cheek and greets me as I take off my apron and we exit the kitchen to go sit on the patio I have gotten used to his touch after the last few months and I don't feel threatened by him. The evening is beautiful; the cloudy sky hides the stars tonight and only a few twinkling lights from our far off neighbours can be seen in the distance. I serve the antipasto on the couches that are on the side of the patio and we all pick at the finger snacks and chat about lots of nothing. Robin asks Rowan about the wine business and I can’t help but choke on my wine. Rowan has no clue; he doesn’t even drink wine, I have been making myself aware of our estate and the daily running of it over the past few months and we are pretty good if I can say so myself. Rowan could care less as long as it runs and it seems as if he is running it. We have a very talented estate manger a young lady that has everything to prove and seems to be doing just that. Robin was just taking the piss but it has us all laughing. I get up to clear the platters off the table and Amya helps me carry them back to the kitchen. Her heels click on the slate as she walks behind me into the house.

“You look so happy tonight my friend and the food is all so good, I cannot wait to over indulge in that pasta.” She talks as I drop the pasta into the boiling water on the stove top. “I am happy; a lot of it is because of you and Rob. In fact everyone here saved me a little.”

“Ooh have you shown those two yet? What did they think?” She taunts motioning with her head to where the men are seated.

“No, are you nuts? Callum is my cousin and him seeing me in any state of undress makes me very uncomfortable and Rowan the man whore doesn’t want to see, he hasn’t even asked in fact.” I spell out for her. Rowan only asked once in the very beginning, when I said no, he hasn’t asked again. I thought he would have by now, but in truth he seems to stay away from personal questions these days.

Amya gets a strange look on her face. “He’s different since you, you know that? He used to be so cold and now he’s almost human. You don’t need to pretend I know who he is and what he does Lauri, Robin and him worked together before.” She gulps some wine down and I interrupt her right there. I see the trail of woman that he drags through here I don’t get the illusion that he feels anything at all.

“He’s not different Amya, I know all too well that men like him don’t change, he learnt from my father. He is who he is. I haven’t changed him at all. He just eats better now.” I joke trying to lighten the mood. Thank goodness the pasta is ready and we can go eat and be done with this awkward conversation. She won’t let it go that easy though. She grabs my arm so I have to look at her.

“He feels when you’re around Lauri, Rowan never felt anything before. He never ever would have saved a life he was paid to take.” She half whispers as we carry the dinner out to the table where the three men sit talking about football. It’s World Cup season and I am so over soccer at the moment.

My eyes tell Amya that our talk is over for now. The men dive into their food like a bunch of gannets. “Don’t you feed him?” I mock Amya pointing to Robins over full plate. She laughs loudly from her belly at me. “I’m not a chef, doll, if he wants food - he has to make it.”

The dinner is wolfed down and the relaxed atmosphere between friends is refreshing and I really am enjoying myself tonight. I think my passion to serve good food will win; maybe I should chat to Rowan about the restaurant later tonight. Maybe all the wine will give me the guts. The men clear the table this time and go inside to watch the late game. Leaving Amya and I outside in the fresh air to finish our wine and enjoy the silence of staying so far away from everyone and everything. It’s isolated and calm out here, no city traffic or the hum of white noise just quiet.

“I want to ask him about the restaurant later, do you think he will let me do it?” I ask Amya as we sit outside. She glares at me before she replies harshly. “You are a grown ass woman Lauri, you don’t need him to let you do anything, and you can do anything you want,” she sighs loudly. “But if it makes a difference I think he will love the idea.”

I don’t answer her I just get lost thinking about it, I have always had to have permission to do anything I wanted from my father or Renzo, being able to do what I want is a very new feeling to me. We sit for a while in silence listening to the men shout at the telly before I suggest we go inside and get dessert. Amya loves sweets almost as much as Callum so she jumps to her feet at the mention of dessert. I ask the men as we pass if they want dessert and no surprise they all do.

I pull my sticky chocolate creation from the oven and pipe the strawberry mouse over the top and serve it up to them. The silence is deafening as they all eat without taking a break, it’s always a good sign for a chef when things go quiet. I must admit it tastes like heaven and I’m proud of myself. I haven’t lost my touch in the kitchen after all this time. I want that restaurant and I am going to have it. Amya is right I don’t need his permission but his support would be nice.

Amya squeezes herself next to Robin on the couch and Callum is on the single chair leaving me to sit next to Rowan on the other couch. He lifts his legs up and I sit and he simply puts them back down on my lap. The close proximity and touching has me feeling a little panic in my chest but I try and keep it hidden as they watch the game and I pretend to care whether or not Italy beat Uruguay. When the game finally ends and Italy lose, our friends are tired and excuse themselves for night. Callum leaves with them so they can drive back to the city together. We’ve all had a little too much to drink and I can feel a buzz all over my body. I sit back down in the lounge after saying goodbye. Rowan chooses to sit next to me, right next to me almost on top of me, he usually sits on another chair. I try not letting him sense my nerves as he sits. But then he puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me towards him. I instinctively go stiff and he knows I am not alright, but we are both a little drunk and neither of us move I want him to let go, but I also don’t. He smells good for someone who hasn’t showered I think to myself inhaling his unique scent of aftershave and all day I try my hardest to calm myself down and relax into his touch. His voice rumbles from his chest “Thank you for dinner, it was amazing. You can cook the pants off any guy that’s for sure.” I can feel his voice vibrating in his chest as he talks to me. It feels so strange to be this close to him. I can feel him speak; I’m that close and it scares me to death. He hasn’t been close to me since the first few weeks I was here when he held me as I cried on the floor.

After my first trip to Robin he stopped getting into my personal space I think my panic attack made him weary of getting too close.

I decide now is as good a time as any to broach the topic of my restaurant and I need to distract myself from how close I am to Rowan and the fact that he is touching me. “I want my own restaurant; I want to cook more than I ever have.” I mutter without looking at him I’m afraid of his eyes they always tell me more than his words. He lifts my chin with his other hand so I have no choice but to look at him. I’m met with his smile, something he rarely does, and then I see in his eyes that his smile is touching them too. “I think that’s a brilliant idea Lauri, you would be great.” He affirms all my feelings with his answer. “Thank you Rowan.” Is all I manage to muster up in reply with him being so close to me and I feel my chest getting tight with the touch, his smell, his eyes – it’s all too much. I look down to his chest in an attempt to calm myself down before I really do panic. He kisses the top of my head as I look down a tender gesture I am not used to. It makes me shudder and is not helping my current state of anxiety. We just sit like that for a while neither of says anything more. I simply can’t because my brain is short circuiting from being so close to him. All my focus is on not passing out. Eventually he lifts my face to his again and looks in my eyes. They’re darker than before. “Show me your tattoo Lauri, please?” His eyes plead with me as he speaks those words.

I’m not sure if it’s the wine or if it’s his eyes or the fact that he is still touching me but I nod and stand in front of him with a sudden rush of courage I unbutton my white cotton shirt and drop it to floor; I reach behind me and unclasp my bra. Not sure where my bravado is coming from, but I am pretty sure it was all the wine. The thing is since my skin is covered in pictures I never feel truly naked anymore, the tattoos weave their own magical fabric over my skin clothing me even when I wear nothing. I don’t dare look away from Rowan’s eyes they are locked on mine and they are the only thing stopping me from running out the room right now. I drop my bra with my shirt and slip my fingers in the waist band of my skirt. I push it past my hips and let it pool at my feet. I am standing in front of him in nothing but my lacy black G-string and black patent ballet pumps. His eyes finally leave mine and trace over every detail of the picture painted on my skin. He seems mesmerized and I see his jaw tighten as I watch him looking at me. He motions his hand for me to turn around and I don’t know why but I simply follow his instruction. As soon as my back is turned he stands and walks up behind me, I can sense him getting closer even if I can’t see him. His fingers begin to trace over the images on my back, ghosting over each picture. I shiver and my skin is covered by goose bumps his smell engulfs me. I’m terrified of him in that moment yet I can’t will my body to run away from him. He moves my ponytail so he can whisper in my ear. “You, Lauri are the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. I just want to trace every line drawn on your body. God.” He growls the last part of his sentence. I’m frozen on the spot with fear and I can feel my heart trying to beat out of my chest. I can hear it pulsing in my eardrums. I’m sure he can hear it too he’s so close to me right now. My feet wobble and I close my eyes tighter while he speaks again. “I know you’re scared of me, I can feel the fear oozing from you. I have stayed away Lauri, I have tried so hard not to touch you these past months, to forget that you’re this beautiful. But tonight I can’t. Tonight I don’t want to forget. I just want you. I know it’s wrong and I shouldn’t but I do. And it’s killing me. Please let me touch you. Please let me show you that you don’t need to be scared of me, that my touch will never hurt you.” His words are breathy and desperate as he speaks into my ear. I can’t open my eyes I am so scared that I will pass out. I can’t believe he thinks of me that way, that he wants to touch me. He knows how ugly I am underneath this picture yet he calls me beautiful. My mind wants to explode - it’s so confused right now. My body is betraying me. The panic is slithering its way up my throat and spreading into my chest. The panic conceals something else I feel too, a feeling I cannot identify because it is new, foreign and frightening. More frightening than panic.