Colour Series Box Set (24 page)

I cleaned the kitchen and snuck upstairs to tell him I was leaving but when I stand in the door, I see Rowan sitting on the bench by his weights his head is down and I see tears on his cheeks. I don’t say a word. I just go before he sees me. The giant lump in my throat bursts loose as soon as I start my car and I cry, spreading mascara all down my cheeks. Seeing that sort of feeling from Rowan has only confused me more. He’s just as broken as I am and maybe we’re just going to shatter whatever is left. I’m a train wreck by the time I reach Cape Town to meet Callum. I try cleaning my face in the revision mirror and fix myself as best I can I know, but Callum will see right through it. He has seen enough of my ups and downs since I have been here to know when I am not myself.

I get out of my very red car and my equally red dress blows in the typical Cape Town wind as I grab my bag and walk towards the bakery that is painted like a giant pink cake box. I’m sure you could spot Charley’s from outer space it’s so bright. My attire clashes with the pink walls. Callum’s car is already outside so I know he is in there ordering himself a sugar coma.

He takes one look at me as I walk through the doors and raises his brows in question. The smell of sweetness and sugar makes the air in the bakery thick and enticing, I kiss his cheek hello. “Don’t ask. We’ll talk once we have some cupcakes in us.” Callum ordered a box of mixed cupcakes and we walk outside again, twelve brightly coloured, giant mouth wateringly good fresh cupcakes. “Let’s go eat these at the Company’s Garden in town, I’ll bring you back to fetch your car,” he suggests his voice tells me that he is concerned about me. The Company Garden is a historical park in city centre near the parliament building where you can escape reality for few moments if you need too. I love it there and often go for a walk through when I am in the city. There’re old trees making cool shade and protecting you from the wind a little, there are benches scattered around with plaques dedicating them to others who loved the gardens and you can also feed the squirrels in the gardens and I know they will be poaching our cupcakes as soon as we sit.

We take the short drive to the Garden’s and find a bench under a tree. As soon as Callum turns to look at me, I burst into tears before he can even ask me what’s wrong. Callum knows I hate being touched so he doesn’t touch me. He just waits till I seem to have a handle on the tears then he asks his tone a little dark and angry, “What did he do?” How he knew that these were Rowan tears and not my normal meltdown tears, I’m not sure but Callum reads people very well. I think he knew something had snapped in Rowan last night.

I sniff and wipe my face with the serviette from the cupcakes that sit between us on the bench. “I think he loves me Callum. And I am so scared. Last night ... last night.” I can’t get any more words out through the next wave of sobs.

Callum puts his hand on my shoulder then pulls it away as fast as he can. “I know he loves you Lauri. The thing is, Rowan’s never loved anyone so he doesn’t really know how. I have known for a while that he loves you. In fact I think he has loved you longer than any of us realize.” Callum’s calming words seem to slow the tears a little; there’s still a bite of anger in his tone towards Rowan.

“What happened last night Lauri? Why are you so afraid of him loving you? You know he will never hurt you.” Callum devours a cupcake as we waits for me to answer his questions. They are the same questions I’ve been asking myself.

“That’s the thing Cal; he could hurt me worse than anyone ever could because I love him back and I don’t know if I want too. He kissed me last night Cal, and my heart stopped. But he also told me about his heart and his numbers. I don’t know if I can love ‘Rowan the murderer’ and I know I can’t ask him to be anyone else. I’m so torn I want to run away. This morning was so awkward. How can I love one part of him and hate the other Callum? I know he will break my heart and it’s all that I have left that isn’t already broken because I never gave it to anyone to break.”

Callum sighs loudly. I can see he doesn’t have a clue what to say to me. So I keep talking. I think he is just emotionally stunted as Rowan but just fits in to society better fooling us all.

“I went to tell him I was leaving today and he was crying so I just left. I couldn’t look at him cry, murderers shouldn’t cry, Rowan shouldn’t cry. Have you ever seen Rowan cry? You have known him all your life Callum. Have I broken him?”

Callum’s shoulders slump his big frame fold in half as he leans over and squints at the floor not looking at me.

“Only once, I saw him shed a single tear. He never cried when either of his parents died, I only remember one tear in all our years as friends, but it’s not my story to tell you Lauri. What I can tell you is if Rowan cried then something finally touched his heart and made him feel. I can’t tell you what to do Lauri. I do know that you have the power to shatter Rowan into a million pieces. I also know that he will never let you go whether you love him or not he loves you and would rather die than let you go.” Callum talks softly as he tries to help me see the Rowan he has known all his life. I have known since the second Rowan walked into my room and revealed himself to me, that he wouldn’t let me go, even when he said I could go. I know he wouldn’t have let me. Subconsciously, I always knew that I belonged to him, the minute he chose not to kill me - I became his. I know that the monster beneath the surface will do anything to keep me. I think I have Stockholm syndrome for a minute.

We don’t say anything else, there isn’t much more to say right in that moment. But before we leave the gardens I purge the last of the feelings roaring around in me.

“I love him Callum. But I am terrified of that.” I can feel the panic rising in my chest just acknowledging it out loud. I’m so scared that when he realizes how truly broken I am, he won’t love me anymore. I have other secrets Cal, ones I’m not ready to tell him. Ones I may never be ready to tell anyone. There were worse things than my scars Callum things that I cannot let go, things that are turning me into a monster on the inside. I am afraid if I love Rowan I will become just like him.” I see Callum swallow hard and he stops walking before he turns to talk to me.

“You don’t think Rowan knows how broken you are? He’s the most broken person I know Lauri, but the two of you seem to cancel the broken out of each other and that is worth more than keeping any secret. Lauri, for once just this once I am begging will you just let go of the fear and the panic that are constantly paralyzing you and just see what might happen. What you might get if you love him and let him fucking love you, the man never loved anything in his whole life and he chose you.”

We get in his car and don’t say another word. I know he is right but I won’t say it out loud his ego is big enough without me adding to it. I am still crying when we get to my car. Callum grabs my hand as I reach for the door and looks me in the eye. I can see he’s worried. “Just tell him Lauri, everything and for god’s sake, let him love you, you deserve it.”

I just nod and get out of his car and into my own.
Let him love you
, Callum’s words ring in my brain all the way home. My stupid eyes won’t stop crying because I can’t get my heart and my head to agree. I feel like every breath I take is going to burst my lungs. I want to be numb again, I can’t feel like this anymore its hurting me, even without a touching me he can hurt me.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT
this morning, not just the hangover that a whole bottle of scotch left me with. I’m stiff from sleeping on the couch outside all night my muscles crick and ache as I try to move. The worst of it is my heart, my heart aches. The heart I always believed I didn’t have is aching in my chest it is heavy with feelings that I don’t want. I am looking at myself in the giant mirror in the gym and I don’t know who is looking back at me. I don’t know who I am, maybe I never have. I want so badly for her to love me all of me the good and the bad, the dark and light, the wine farmer and the murderer. It’s unfair to ask that of anyone I know but I also know there is no way to erase the bad. I also know I’ll never stop being the monster that is underneath. I can’t. I was born to be a killer, groomed to be a killer and worse than that I like being a killer.

I slump down onto the bench and do something I haven’t done ever. I cry. I let the tears flown down my cheeks and at forty two this is the first time I have let myself cry. Men don’t cry, men don’t feel, men like me can’t. But today I let myself. I think I have found, loved and lost my only love all in one night. Why did she ask me? She knows who I am. She knows it won’t go away. She is afraid of me. I am even more afraid of her. I am afraid of the heart aching in my chest for her. I can’t help but think if this is what Cassie felt then I finally understand I would hurl myself from a rooftop to make this stop hurting. I will wait for Lauri to love me back even if she never can. I won’t let her go. I can’t, she’s mine.

I heard her car pull out a while ago so I know I am all alone. Now the house is eerie and quiet without her. I need to talk to someone, but I know she is with Callum so I can’t call him and after she tells him what has happened I’m sure he won’t want to talk to me anyways. I do know a person who knows a little about love, Robin. He will think I have gone stark raving fucking mad but I need to talk to someone, anyone will do right now. I shower and get into my car as fast as I can. I don’t even call him to say I’m coming. I know he has a hangover too so he is home.

Amya opens the door I’m pounding on and I see the recognition of my emotional mess her eyes immediately. She just looks at me shakes her head and moves so I can step inside “Oh Rowan. You big fool.” She pulls me through the door. “Robin is in his studio alone, go on up.”

I traipse up the stairs to the studio where both Lauri and I have spent many hours. My body feels heavy and weak. My run did nothing but pull the last bit of life out of me. There’s no denying I’m addicted to the pain that is inflicted by the tattoo gun and as I open the door, my heart beats faster it wants that pain. Pushing open the door, I see Robin staring out the windows looking at Table Mountain. He’s deep in his own mind somewhere and I almost feel bad for interrupting him. He turns around and smiles at me, he really is my friend and second to Callum he is the only person who comes close to knowing me. I don’t even know me.

He doesn’t wait for me to say anything I just collapse in the chair and bury my head in my hands again. Robin speaks from behind me where I can hear he is setting up his table.

“You love her you idiot, don’t you?” I look up to my friend and smile at his brutal honesty. “How’d you know Rob? I told her. I also told her about the numbers, she asked me. I didn’t want to lie to her I couldn’t lie to her.” I reply defeated and tired and fucking hurt.

“I have always known, but you needed to find that on your own my friend. What did she say when you told her?” Robin sits next to me and starts fiddling with his gear to tattoo me, I guess he may as well since I’m here pouring my new found heart out.

I pull my shirt off and answer his question. “She wants time, she’s afraid of me Rob. I kissed her though. Before I told her I kissed her and now that’s all I can think of is kissing her, touching her, holding her. Fuck I sound like a girl. She’s broken me already Robin.” I knew she would, the second I saw her in my house on those monitors I knew she was going to be trouble in my orderly life.

Robin laughs at me as he starts to draw on my right rib cage, motherfucker that hurts over the bone. He says nothing waiting for me to finish my story I guess. I continue to pour my soul out to my friend as he inks script down my side I have no idea what he is writing on me, but it hurts like hell today. I trust Robin he is an artist and has never put a mark on me that I didn’t love, or that didn’t mean something. He works and I talk, I needed this, the combination of the pain and purging these feelings that were killing me from the inside out. I needed this so badly.

Finally Robin sets his gun down on the table next us and he speaks. Robin is a man of few words always has been but when he does talk he speaks his heart and his mind.