Colour Series Box Set (22 page)

I draw a deep breath into my burning lungs and force my wobbly feet to turn around. I cannot deny that in that minute I do feel beautiful and that I trust Rowan. I want him to touch me but I’m not sure he can without the panic consuming me, sucking me under into the black, into the ugly. I open my eyes and look up into those eyes they are burning with feelings I don’t recognize the monster is there and it is very much alive. I can’t talk but I put my hand over his heart and nod my head. I just hope you don’t hurt me Rowan; I can’t be hurt anymore I would rather just die. Rowan leans down to meet my lips and I am sure my heart stops dead, he is going to kiss me. I didn’t think that’s what he meant in all honesty, I never even considered it. As his lips ghost against mine my breath hitches in my throat he moves his hands up my arms and into my hair holding my head steady. “I think I just may love you Lauri and I am more afraid of that than you are of me,” he whispers against my lips before he kisses me. A kiss that says more than any words. A kiss that I feel with every inch of my body. A kiss that claims my heart and soul. I know in that kiss that Rowan owns me. I’m terrified of him and I should run my brain is saying run you are going to get hurt and this time no one will fix you. But my heart, my stupid fucking heart is beating for the man whose tongue is making its way into my mouth as he holds me so tight I couldn’t escape even if I wanted to. His kiss suffocates the panic and I’m forced to feel everything else. This man both killed me and saved my life. Rowan pulls away and I immediately want him back, he pulls me closer so my body collides with all of his then lifts me off the floor into his arms and carries me down the hall into my room.

LAURI HAS BEEN
here for six months now, she has made her way back to life over those months and I have watched her change from scared and timid to the most amazing beautiful strong woman. I realized months ago that this woman would be my undoing. I have never in all my days wanted anything more than I want her. The thing is I know what scares her and I know that I terrify her. My life, my job and my choices make me the worst person in the world for her. I have done everything in my power to stay away to allow her to heal, to be her friend when I want more. I never thought of anything more than the day I was living, all my life there was no future and no past just right now. But Lauri has me lusting after a future I never knew I wanted, a life I know I cannot have. More than anything I want her she will always be mine, even if she won’t have me I will never let her go.

I know that I have her here in my home, cooking and cleaning and caring for me but I want her to trust me, I want to touch her without her body going stiff or panic suffocating her thoughts. I want so badly to see what her body looks like now that Robin has completed the tattoo to cover her scars. God I even want to feel those scars. The day I saw them I was repulsed, physically ill over them but not over her. She was stunning to me in spite of the marks on her skin. Robin cannot stop bragging about how amazing it looks now that it’s completed. Claiming he is the Picasso of humans, he can be so vain when he wants too. I just want a glimpse of it; I want to examine his artwork just once.

The bloody heart on my chest continues to grow with every job I complete - number after number. I know that’s something I can’t change. In fact, I’m beginning to believe that if this wasn’t my chosen career path, I would in all likelihood still be a killer, just a different kind, worse. There’s something broken in me and killing people fixes it, for a little time anyway. Lauri’s managed to fix herself and that amazes me she is not whole but she is no longer the broken wreck that I was meant to kill. She made me promise not to kill her husband unless she asked me too. It has been the hardest promise to keep when I want to rip him into tiny pieces and feed him to the sharks in False Bay.

I wonder if she could love me without wanting me to change. Love? Where did that come from? I know I cannot change, I also know that I feel something for her. Something I have never felt for anyone besides my mother in my life. It scares the shit out of me just thinking about it. I have tried to replace her I’m my mind and my bed, over and over but no one has held a candle to her. I stopped trying a few weeks ago. After having countless women in my bed, none of them were her so I never wanted them. I want Lauri Spillane for myself. Worse I want her to want me. I’m afraid that I may just love this woman and that terrifies me. I also know that there’s no way I’ll ever let her leave here. My monster will not let go of her, ever. We always lust for the things we cannot truly have, our hearts will always want what is forbidden. Having a heart has made me want things I really shouldn’t.

We’ve had the most delicious dinner shared with our friends and I know I’ve a little too much to drink and should just go to my room. I lock the front door and return to lounge intending to say goodnight and excuse myself but damn she looks so sexy sitting there in her white shirt and flowing skirt. I could smell her vanilla scent when she sat next to me earlier. It’s like a drug and I just need one more fix. Sh’s dressing a little like Amya and it’s hot as all hell. I don’t know why but I have to sit next to her I just need to be close to her I have left her as long as I can and tonight my faculties have left me I must be crazy, but tonight I need to be close to her. I don’t care what it does to her; not doing it will kill me. I sit down and immediately notice the fear creeping over her; I lean my arm around her shoulder and pull her close to my chest. She smells so good. Her scent is all over my house all the time and it’s driving me to distraction, it’s all I can do to stay still? I can feel her stiffen under my arm the fear is oozing off her now. I want her to calm down. I want her to want my touch not fear it. I thank her for dinner and she rambles a reply about wanting a restaurant. I’m amazed she actually wants something, she’s asked for nothing over the last six months and the idea of her moving forward makes me happy. I would say yes to anything that she asked me, I am afraid I would give her the world if she wanted it. Looking at the red roses that are tattooed on her arm where my hand rests causes me to wonder what the rest looks like. So I ask. Expecting the same no she has given anyone who asks her. But this time, maybe it’s all the wine she has had to drink but this time she stands up and keeps her eyes locked on mine as she unbuttons her shirt and drops it to floor the second I see her inked flesh my cock is hard in my jeans. I can hardly draw air into my lungs. Holy shit this woman is gorgeous. What is she doing? She still has her eyes locked on mine and I am afraid if I look away she will stop. She’s taking off her bra, holy shit I didn’t think my cock could get any harder. She’s going to kill me; my heart is going to stop because it could not possibly beat any faster. She drops her bra to the floor where her shirt lies, all the while looking me in the eye. I so badly want to break her gaze and look at the work of art before me but I can’t, yet. She slides her skirt down her thighs and is standing there in nothing but a lacy black thong and a pair of pumps that have my poor cock trying to burst the zip of my jeans.

I break our stare and examine every stunning inch of her body. Fuck me, but my friend has turned her ugly scars into the most amazing artwork I have ever seen. He may well be the Picasso of human flesh. I can’t talk as my throat’s gone dry so I use my hand to signal for her to turn around I need to see it all. She does, it’s all I can do not to fly up off the couch as my eyes land on her perfect ass. The small bow at the top of her thong is the only thing I notice apart from the hummingbirds dancing down the curve of her spine. The colours are alive on her skin as I walk up behind her I have to touch her, I cannot stop myself I don’t even try to stop it. I see the goose bumps and her shiver immediately. I move her thick ponytail over her shoulder so I can whisper in her ear. I know without a doubt in my mind right in this moment I love her. I need her. I know I will never be whole without her. Now I am afraid. I whisper words in her ear, I tell her I want her and that I may just love her. I ask her to let me touch her. I am not sure what nonsense I am spouting but then I know for the very first time in my life I feel. Really feel. It hurts, burns in me and I need to get it out.

When Lauri turns around looks at me and nods her head my heart stops. I am going to kiss her right here and now. “I think I just may love you Lauri and I am more afraid of that than you are of me.” I whisper against her soft lips before I kiss her. I kiss with my heart and soul I kiss her like I have never kissed or been kissed before. Whatever it was I have been holding in has just exploded and the fire that burns in me for this woman, I know will kill me. I can’t do this here. I stop and lift her into my arms her soft body melts into mine. I carry her to her room; I somehow don’t want t to take her to the room where I have had so many others before her. She is different to them. I won’t be sending her away not ever. Lauri is mine whether she wants to be or not, that kiss made her mine.

Forgive me Mick, I know she’s your little girl, but my god she’s a hell of a woman and I can no longer hide from the feeling I have inside. I understand why Cassie jumped in this moment it makes perfect sense because I would rather die than not have her.

Lauri is no longer stiff under my touch but I can feel her heart beating against my chest as I lay her down on her bed and I know she is still scared. I want so badly to take that fear and replace it with all the good feelings that should be there. The want, the need, the burning desire for another, I want to give it all to her.

I lay her on her back in the middle of her bed; she still only has on her thong and shoes. I kneel at the edge of the bed and remove her shoes before kicking mine off. I’m nervous; no woman has made me nervous before. I climb slowly onto the bed next to her and I just look, I look at this work of art that has transformed her from the woman who begged to die only a few months ago to the woman here with me ready to fight her fear and keep moving forwards. I trace the lines swirling up her thighs where the dainty swallows fly. I can feel the raised skin of her scars beneath it as my touch turns from feather light to my palm grazing possessively over her skin. I look up and see she has closed her eyes and her shallow breath tells me she is on the verge of a panic attack. I move up so that I can hold her to me and I kiss her gently trying to calm her down. I don’t want to lose this moment and if she panics I know it’ll all be over and I may never get it back. I want this, the rush I feel touching her cannot be found anywhere else. You see this woman found my fucking heart.

This time she kisses me back, not hard but softly, as if learning to enjoy the feeling of our mouths together. After a few moments, I feel her arms slither around my neck pulling me closer to her and my thundering heart skips a beat or two. She wants me closer. She’s kissing me; I slow down and let her take control. I’m a control freak in my life so handing her control is taking all the restraint I have right now, but I think it may be secret to keeping her fear from spiralling out of control. To be honest, I’ve never been afraid to touch a woman. I’m terrified that touching her will break me. I simply take what I want from women, but with Lauri I need her to want me to. She has to let me and that is hard for me.

When she ends our kiss her hazel eyes are open and staring right into mine, there is still fear in them, but I see her walls falling down too. I pull off my T-shirt in an attempt to make her more comfortable with her clothes off. She puts her hand over my heart immediately her hand drawn to the ugliest part of me, to my monster. I’m sure she can feel it beating. We haven’t said a word yet just touched and held each other, and that sweet soft kiss that I know will be in dreams tonight. “Tell me about your numbers Rowan, please?” she whispers quietly not moving her hand away. My high is ruined, I plummet right back to my reality, I am torn if I don’t tell her she will think I don’t trust her and I want her to trust me, but if I tell her she will know exactly who I am. I lean down and kiss her again, I will tell her but I need one last kiss before I break this, before losing her breaks me forever. I kiss her so she knows how I feel before she knows who I am.