Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (12 page)

                  
Toward the latter part of this stage, children dress themselves and assist parents with household tasks. Parents must keep the child safe while allowing her to develop confidence. At this point in development, it’s important for parents to withhold unnecessary criticism. When a child picks out clashing clothes, the parent offers praise and suppresses giggles. When a child pours detergent into the washer, spilling a good share of it onto the floor, the parent congratulates the effort while offering gentle coaching on pouring technique. If the parent is overly controlling or demeaning of the child’s efforts, she will feel shame, but if the parent supports the child’s attempts at independence, then she will acquire the confidence that forms the root of self-sufficiency.

       
3.  
Initiative versus Guilt (four to about six years)

                  
During stage three, the child takes on increasingly complex physical, emotional and social tasks. He learns to zip his coat, compete in a race, share his toys and express his thoughts and feelings. At this stage, parents can see the beginnings of goal achievement and frustration. Parents nurture success by guiding a child to reasonable, safe goals. If parents support winnable adventures and teach the child to manage feelings of anger and frustration, he will learn to enjoy challenges and seek new adventures. If the child’s efforts are snuffed out or demeaned or if the parent is overly controlling and steps in prematurely to help, then he will stop initiating. He will tend
to withdraw, to follow others’ leads and to be hesitant to take on new challenges.

       
4.  
Industry versus Inferiority (six to twelve years)

                  
Stage four is the phase of development during which a child achieves self-efficacy or a sense of competence. At this time, the child’s moral reasoning is beginning to blossom. Whereas before she was motivated by reward and punishment, she is now beginning to understand how her behavior affects others. She wants to be a good girl and please important adults. If encouraged, the child learns discipline—putting work before play—to achieve a desired goal. In this way, she learns the many gifts that come from perseverance. By exposing the child to a variety of activities and by giving her the freedom to gravitate toward those activities that best suit her, parents help the child discover her talents. These achievements help the child feel good about herself and enable her to develop long-lasting interests. Failure to provide stimulation and encouragement can result in poor self-esteem, disinterest and the sense that one is less competent than one’s peers.

                  
These four stages generally underpin the ones that follow. Maturation cannot, I believe, move forward without the child having first secured a hopeful view of others and the world, the will to engage in that world, the confidence to take on challenges and the discipline to work through difficulties. These skills and attitudes lay the groundwork for a productive and exciting future, one in which dreams for career and family are fulfilled.

       
5.  
Identity versus Identity Diffusion (twelve to about twenty years)

                  
The teenage years are when the seeds for dreams of career and family are sewn. At stage five, the adolescent considers his future. What does he want to do for a living? Does he want to marry and have a family or does he envision a future touring the world or becoming a rabbi or clergy member? Having not yet developed a strong sense of self, he is exquisitely sensitive to how others view him. Having not yet solidified his identity, he is painfully vulnerable to others’ assessments and judgments.

                  
Children at this age experiment. They experiment with dress, posture, politics, religion, values, food, friends, interests, maybe with drugs and probably with sex. One month your child may commit to wearing only black and proclaim he’s gone Goth and the next month sport a dress shirt and announce his decision to pursue a business degree. While alarming for parents, this period of experimentation is crucial, because it provides the necessary experience to make informed and committed choices about one’s values and goals. The development of a healthy identity requires that parents respect the adolescent’s autonomy, including the need for extended time with peers and the open expression of thoughts and values, especially thoughts and values with which the parents disagree. Differentiation is the development of a healthy boundary between parent and adolescent. Failure to differentiate from parents protracts adolescence and can delay identity development or cause identity confusion.

                  
A child will have to know himself well to pick the right partner. How many times have you heard someone say that s/he married too young or the wrong person? I think what these folks are saying is that they either did not know themselves well enough to marry or were still changing in substantive ways that would have influenced their choices of life partner.

       
6.  
Intimacy versus Isolation (twenty to forty years)

                  
To have a healthy, lasting relationship, she must have mastered the prerequisite developmental skills: the ability to compromise, to make sacrifices, to be in touch with her feelings and to be willing to express those feelings. Intimacy requires trust. Trust, learned from parents, can be defined as having faith in the fidelity of certain people, institutions or a spiritual entity. People are selective about whom they trust. Intimacy requires the individual to be comfortable with and accepting of her sexual identity.

       
7.  
Generativity versus Self-Absorption (forty to sixty-five)

                  
If a child’s needs were met and his challenges conquered, middle age brings altruistic yearnings. Mature adults are motivated by a desire to give their knowledge, talents, love, time,
money, etc., to the next generation. This altruism is born of a deep appreciation for that which a person has received and of a deep love and fidelity toward family, community, country, humankind and even to all living things. People who achieve generativity find reward in activities like volunteering and mentoring. Joy is found not in fame or riches, but in giving to others.

       
8.  
Ego Integrity versus Despair (sixty-five to death)

                  
The last stage of life poses the question, “Did I lead a good and full life?” There are many underlying questions as well. Did I love fully and tenderly? Did I act with integrity? Did I stay faithful to my beliefs? Sometimes the questions are more concrete. Did I produce something of worth? Was I a devoted spouse and parent? Did I treat my parents well? Did I give enough of my talents to others? The answers to questions like these set the mood for the last years of life. Satisfaction with one’s accomplishments produces joy and peace. On the other hand, if looking back raises feelings of anger, remorse and regret, then the last years of life will be dominated by bitterness and despair.

You’re probably asking yourself,
Did my son or daughter pass through the early and later stages of development successfully
? This is a useful question. If you suspect that your child has struggled with the preadolescent stages of development, you may find that it will be more difficult for him or her to work through identity formation, the fifth stage. It takes emotional awareness and confidence to come to terms with being a sexual minority. If your son or daughter has problems with self-esteem or talking about his or her feelings, your child may benefit from the aid of a therapist who can help him or her address these deficits.

Matt’s Story

Matt, a young adult, comes out to his father, Jack. Jack is very comfortable with his son’s announcement that he is gay. In fact, he is relieved! For years he’s suspected it and he worried that Matt wasn’t confident enough to come
out. Jack starts telling the extended family and makes arrangements for himself and Matt to attend a PFLAG meeting. He tells Matt he wants to get involved, maybe become a volunteer speaker. Matt knows he is lucky to have such an accepting father, but he finds himself getting irritated by his father’s actions. When his father walks in with a book about gay history, Matt says, “Dad, chill out, will you? You’re making me nervous.” When Jack asks his son what he means, Matt replies, “I don’t know. I don’t even have a boyfriend or anything yet.”

There are several possible reasons for Matt’s irritation. Maybe Jack tends to overshadow Matt and his achievements. Matt might prefer to reveal his sexual orientation to extended family at his own chosen pace. Maybe Matt is a bit shy or introverted and is uncomfortable with the amount of disclosure that his dad is creating. Additionally, while Matt’s father may be well along in accepting his son’s sexual orientation, Matt may still be trying to work things out for himself. Jack needs to consider where Matt might be in regard to the stages of coming out. Because Matt is close to his father, Jack may be one of the first people Matt’s told. Matt may also be struggling with internalized homophobia. He may not be ready to attend PFLAG meetings or to have his father tell other people about his sexual orientation. If he lacks confidence in regard to his sexuality, he may have difficulty managing the range of reactions that are to come his way.

THE IMPORTANCE OF SEXUAL IDENTITY

Thanks to greater visibility and acceptance of gays, LGBTQs are more likely to address sexual identity and sexual intimacy on schedule, i.e., during adolescence and young adulthood. That’s a good thing, because sexual identity is an important aspect of identity and suppressing it hinders successful completion of subsequent stages of development. Even a brief delay can result in difficulties with committing to adult tasks like going to college, getting a job, dating and learning how to be a good partner. If your child is deeply conflicted about being gay, s/he won’t connect physical intimacy with love. Your child won’t be able to imagine a future in which love plays a central role. In an effort to suppress sexual urges, s/he may be more apt to turn to drugs and alcohol. Indulging in these urges spontaneously, superficially and in a context of shame may lead to engaging in unsafe sex. These things dull the
pain and temporarily ease the burden of psychological conflict without actually resolving the conflict. In fact, they are self-destructive. If your child believes the untruth that it is impossible for him or her to come out and be happy, than s/he may be at risk for the ultimate act of self-destruction: suicide.

If the pressure or the desire to please others overtakes the desire for authenticity, your child will try very hard to be heterosexual. This often involves getting married. Without real sexual intimacy, these marriages flounder. Sometimes one or both partners pursue intimacy outside of the marriage. Sometimes the partners stay together, settling for a friendship in lieu of true love. Unions like these reflect a failure to resolve the sixth stage of development, intimacy versus isolation. In my opinion, it is better to face the truth and dissolve the marriage even when children are involved. Why? Because living in misery is bad for everybody, especially children, and most folks can suppress misery for only so long before it breaks out and bleeds into the family. In addition, the marriage is a lie. It cannot model marital love, nor can it model happiness. If, after separating, the individual partners find their ways to true love, the children will see what love affords and want nothing short of love for themselves. In the end, authenticity is always better than pretending, both for parents and for children.

Failure to solidify identity, which must include integration of sexual and gender orientation, limits successful resolution of advanced stages of development. There is no way to fake being straight without living a lie. In this situation, when one looks back over one’s life and asks, “Did I live a full, good life?” the answer will likely be plagued by regret. A life lived without integrity and true intimacy is a terribly shallow life, replete with pain and often absent of joy. I know you care about your child and want your son or daughter to be happy. Encourage integrity, living honestly and openly; it is the only path to happiness.

The next chapter examines the process of sexual identity development. Think of it as a process (sexual identity development) within a process (social-emotional development). Why does it take a
process
to discovery sexual identity? Actually, for heterosexual people, it doesn’t. Heterosexual identity is the default. A person is heterosexual until proven otherwise. Coming to terms with being homosexual requires overriding the default and doing so against societal pressures.

E
llen DeGeneres and her TV character came out of the closet in 1997. For the first time on a major television show, homosexuality had a face and mainstream America was looking at her. There were open homosexuals before DeGeneres, but, from my point of view, she was the right person, at the right point in time and with the right kind of exposure to change the relationship between gays and straights in America. Revolutions take time and effort. Over years, activists work to draw attention to a cause. The tension grows tighter and tighter. Then, one day, someone says something or does something—just one more act for the cause—and the spring is sprung. When DeGeneres came out, she lifted a veil of invisibility that hid and muffled gays for centuries. Though a parental warning began appearing before episodes of her TV show, it had little impact. Gays were out of the closet and they were staying out. In her commencement speech at Tulane University in 2009, DeGeneres stated, “For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and not to give in to peer pressure, to try to be something that you’re not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. To contribute in some way.”
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