Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (14 page)

It will be important for this girl’s parents to ask their daughter about each of these differences without projecting their own thoughts
and feelings. As she progresses through the stages of social and emotional development, what draws her attention is likely to shift from one aspect of self to another. Kia’s parents must be careful to follow their daughter’s feelings and not let their worries become their daughter’s worries.

Culture plays a role in values. While the distance between countries seems to be shrinking every day, there are some differences that still hold largely true. For instance, children growing up in the United States are taught to be future-focused, but children in China are expected to focus more on the past, to value the wisdom, traditions and accomplishments of their ancestors. While the United States places a priority on individual choice, some cultures, like India’s, place greater emphasis on harmony and self-sacrifice. Within cultures, there are subcultures that have their own unique world views. Divisions between subcultures arise from any number of factors, such as region, religion and ethnicity. People raised in cities, whether Calcutta or New York, may find they have more in common with other city dwellers than they do with people from the rural areas of their own countries.

Whether a culture values individualism over harmony and whether a culture is future focused or past focused are just a few examples of cultural differences, but they happen to be differences that affect coming out. It will be more difficult for a child to come out if his or her culture tells the child that s/he should honor the traditions of the past and put the needs of others before his or her own needs. I am not passing judgment on any culture’s value system. In fact, I find much to revere in such values. I am saying that cultural values impact coming out.

It is important for you, as a parent, to understand the freedoms and restraints imposed by your culture. With this insight, you will better understand how coming out as LGBTQ is in line with cultural values or out of line with them. When coming out is mostly discordant with cultural values, it adds weight to an already heavy task. If your family needs to deal with diversity, have an open talk about cultural values with your son or daughter. You may find that your child’s coming out allows you to stretch beyond your world view by incorporating perspectives from other cultures. On the other hand, you may discover within the richness of your own culture that a way “out” is already provided. For example, in the Native American culture, “two-spirit” people are thought to be, innately, both male and female. They often
cross-dress and engage in bisexual relationships. They are not bound by gender expectations. Rather than being shunned by their tribes, they are honored and sometimes even thought of as having magical powers.

Remember, minority affiliation is not straightforward nor the same for any two individuals. Having an affiliation with multiple minority groups is worthy of reflection, but that reflection is most meaningful when it happens at an individual level. Who can guess how one aspect of difference will impact another in any particular family, in any particular environment, at any particular point in an individual’s development? I believe that being exponentially different has the potential to be exponentially enlightening.

P
eople typically use the term “coming out” to mean the disclosing of one’s sexual identity as non-heterosexual, but actually, coming out is a process that begins with revealing to oneself that one is gay. Psychological theorist Vivienne Cass’s six-stage model of homosexual identity development articulates the inner experience of gays. Cass’s model was developed based on research on gay, lesbian and bisexual identity development and may not always be applicable to transgender youths. Here are Cass’s stages along with brief, experiential descriptions and discussions.
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IDENTITY CONFUSION

The experience: At first, a person is aware of being different and of having feelings that she cannot name and that she feels she should not talk about. Eventually she recognizes that “differentness” as homosexual longings. The individual is confused, because no one told her that she might feel this way. She feels guilty and desperately hopes that these uninvited thoughts and feelings will pass with time.

Discussion: At this stage, denial can set in, resulting in a delay or a shutting down of sexual development. If an individual gets stuck in this phase, she may adopt an asexual veneer or simply try to act
like a heterosexual. The former type of denial makes for a terribly sad, limiting and lonely life, while the latter type leads to flawed relationships. People often wonder how a man or woman can come out as gay after years of marriage; denial is the answer.

IDENTITY COMPARISON

The experience: At this stage, the person can no longer deny that he may be a homosexual. Since the individual sees his homosexuality through a homophobic lens, he experiences being gay as being somehow inferior, sinful, abnormal or perverted. His future appears doomed. Hopes of having a great career, of marrying, of having children are crushed. He is struck by the realization that all of life’s wonders are entwined with heterosexuality—every joyous occasion, every ritual, every imagined triumph. He recoils in despair. Panic sets in. He doesn’t know what to do.

Discussion: At this stage, self-worth is in great jeopardy and suicide is a risk. Support groups are an invaluable source of hope. They provide a new, positive lens through which to view homosexuality. They offer a path to work for equal rights. Support groups help those who are adjusting to a sexual minority status to see that life as a homosexual can be a life full of grace, triumph and joy.

IDENTITY TOLERANCE

The experience: The individual now questions the majority perspective on homosexuality. As she makes the mental shift from “I am not right” to “society is not right,” she becomes more resilient against homophobia. She can now tolerate the idea of being gay. As she moves toward identifying as gay, lesbian or bisexual, she feels increasingly at odds with heteronormative expectations, that is, the cultural bias in favor of opposite-sex relationships and against same-sex relationships.

Discussion: People in this stage may seem distant, withdrawn, socially out of step or awkward. In a real sense, they know who they are not, but not who they are or who they will become. People know how to be heterosexual: how to carry oneself, what to wear, how to
flirt, even what to talk about and say in the wide array of social contexts which life presents. Parents, relatives, teachers, friends, TV programs, movies and books offer a plethora of examples from which to choose.

But what does it mean to be gay? How are sexual feelings communicated? What does gay and sexy look like? How does one flirt? These are just a few of the tough questions that someone in this stage faces. If s/he appears awkward or distant, is it any surprise? It is a balancing act to move toward a new sense of self while staying vigilant within a social terrain that is strewn with mines. Imagine what it would be like to be attracted to a same-sex peer, to want to communicate that attraction, but to want to do so in a way that will go unnoticed by those who might ridicule you (including the object of your attraction). Again, contact with others in the gay community reduces isolation as well as offers practical guidance that can help someone coming out to regain his or her social footing.

IDENTITY ACCEPTANCE

The experience: At this stage, the person has completely accepted his LGB identity, an identity that he sees much differently and more positively than he did at the start of this process. He begins to come out to family and close friends. If he hasn’t been sexually active already, he is likely to start and, since he can now envision a future, he may find himself looking for a lasting relationship. He feels a tremendous relief in knowing the days of fighting who he is have come to an end. As he embraces his homosexuality, he also takes on new struggles. Actions taken against gays are experienced as personal affronts. Indifference toward the suffering of gays is indifference toward his own mistreatment.

The discussion: This can be a time of great disappointment and grief or a time of overwhelming joy and relief. Much depends on how others respond to the LGBTQ’s disclosure. A positive response can enhance self-esteem and hope. A negative response can generate fear and hopelessness. In some scenarios, youths are disowned by their parents. Parents play a very special role at this stage of coming out.
Your reaction matters a lot, perhaps more than anybody else’s. If your child ever needed your support and love, now is the time.

In the life of every gay person there are several moments that hold special meaning. One of those is coming out to parents. Regardless of how that first talk went, it is important that you remain open to talking again. If your adult child tells you about his or her sexual orientation by telephone, get in your car or on a plane and go to him or her. Your child will be looking for clues as to how you feel about him or her now that you know the truth. A face-to-face conversation demonstrates that you are not going to withdraw your love and that you are not afraid to talk. An in-person visit also allows for hugs and kisses. Affection from you can counter internalized homophobia that may make your child feel dirty, perverted or in some way untouchable.

IDENTITY PRIDE

The experience: Acceptance transforms into pride. The gay individual now immerses herself in the LGBTQ community. There, she feels a unique sense of belonging. Only other LGBTQs can offer the satisfaction of being completely and utterly understood and accepted. There is a thrill and a pride in being oneself without fretting and without self-scrutiny. She spent years in a prison of social deprivation and self-denial and now she is free. There may be anger and even rage at the heterosexual world that withholds legal rights and fails to acknowledge the pain and isolation that the individual experienced growing up. She wants people to get it. She wants them to care.

The discussion: It is important for a person in this stage to be free to explore what it means to be gay. If this comes during young adulthood, parents might see some radical changes. Most teens experiment with identity by exploring different looks, e.g., tattoos, earring plugs, piercings, spiked hair, etc. All this can be very unnerving for parents who must struggle with where to set boundaries.

Gay children may experiment with finding a look that incorporates signs of gay identity. During this stage of identity development, they may surround themselves with positive images: rainbows, equal signs, triangles. They also may take on a more stereotypic look as they experiment with ways of presenting themselves. Give your child room. In order to grow up, your child must “differentiate” from you;
that is, s/he must push off and become independent. If you make too big a fuss over something distasteful to you but not dangerous to your child, s/he may find a more dramatic means of pushing off. Parents of straight and gay children alike must recognize that yesterday’s ear piercing is today’s tongue piercing. Sometimes, for the greater good, you must grin and bear it!

IDENTITY SYNTHESIS

The experience: When the LGBTQ at this stage thinks about himself, being gay is just one of many aspects of who he is. In the past, he might have felt like he was walking around wearing a big sign announcing himself as “GAY” or “QUEER.” That sign is gone now. This individual sometimes thinks about being gay, but not every day like he used to. He no longer views the heterosexual community as all bad and the gay community as all good. His grounded sense of self has made him less reactive to homophobic people and remarks. He finds that he can confront homophobia more successfully because he feels less vulnerable. There is a sense that life can now move forward without the internal fears and anxiety that previously devoured his energy. He no longer has one identity for the heterosexual world and another for the gay world. He has a single identity and it’s good enough for all.

The discussion: It is my observation that those who work through the coming out process and arrive at Identity Synthesis have grown in dramatic ways. Having had no script to follow, they created their own stories and chose their own destinies. They discovered in themselves the resiliency to survive when it felt like all the world was against them. They learned that bad times, even horrible times, do pass with patience. They learned how strong they can be and that integrity and dignity are impregnable. No person, no group, no state, no nation can strip them of these things. At this point in a gay person’s life, the lessons learned from being gay are worth all the trouble they have caused in the learning of them.

Cass’s stages depict general phases through which a gay person moves as s/he integrates sexual identity. Sexual identity development does not occur in isolation from other developmental processes. It occurs concomitantly with social-emotional development, physical development, cognitive development and moral development. All
these processes interact with one another in complex ways. It is also a process that occurs within social contexts, both favorable and unfavorable, and those contexts influence development.

Despite these complexities, I have found this model useful in helping gay clients though the coming out process. It helps a client to mark where he or she is and to engage in efforts that will move him or her toward an integrated sense of self. I have also found that those within the relational circle of a gay person’s life can benefit from understanding this model. As a parent, it may help you better interpret your child’s reactions and behavior.