Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (24 page)
Read Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids Online
Authors: Anne Dohrenwend
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Gays and lesbians thought that being gay freed them from social constraints that might otherwise limit them, particularly in regard to gender roles, but in a broader sense as well.
Parting with sexual norms allowed the gays and lesbians in this study to examine a wide variety of social constraints and to decide, for themselves, if particular rules and values truly resonated with their beliefs. They talked about exploring gender roles, communication and division of power in their relationships. They perceived themselves as having greater liberty to be creative in how they conceived relationships and in how they problem solved. Lesbians often commented that there was greater equity in their relationships with women, compared to past relationships with men. Gay men found that they could be more disclosing of feelings and vulnerabilities to partners and friends, without fear of being seen as weak. In fact, gay men said that heterosexual men were more inclined to disclose to them than to heterosexual friends. Perhaps the heterosexual men perceived the gay men as more empathic and less judgmental in regard to gender expectations related to expression of feelings.
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Gays and lesbians thought that being gay offered them access to a community of friends who were steadfast and understanding.
This was more than having access to a community of like-minded people. The diversity within the gay community was considered a strength. Gays and lesbians expressed a high degree of devotion to caring for other gays and lesbians. This devotion may stem, in part, from being shunned by families of origin. In that void, gays and lesbians began a tradition of embracing one another like sisters and brothers. Anyone immersed in the community knows that many gays create chosen families, the bonds of which are as strong as any traditional family. These families tackle day-to-day tasks, celebrate holidays and nurse each other in sickness. Gays who have suffered abandonment by their families of origin cherish the ties of chosen families. They can display heroic loyalty and an intractable sense of duty.
Interestingly, many participants reported that being gay also enhanced their connections with heterosexuals. As noted, the gay men thought it led to deeper relationships with heterosexual men, but they also said that it opened the door to abiding friendships with heterosexual women as well. Eliminating the possibility of romantic engagement allowed them to have close platonic relationships with women, even married women. Likewise, lesbians felt that heterosexual women were not put off by their sexual orientation and heterosexual men could become close friends with them without worrying about that closeness being misperceived as a desire for romantic attachment.
In the early stages of coming out, I was possessed by what I had to lose. I thought being gay meant having a harder and less fulfilling life. I thought being gay could prove to be disastrous. The truth was I was thrust forward by a feeling and into a life that I could not imagine. Now I feel differently. Like the gays and lesbians in Riggle’s study, I associate being gay with gains in personal growth. My story turned out differently than I expected, but, in many ways, better than I could have dreamed.
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very gay soul knows a thousand blows. This can leave the soul soft and flexible or tough and scarred. The difference is in the healing and in the hoping. Teach your child resiliency: how to bend without breaking, how to move through patches of difficulty without getting stuck in them. With resiliency, no wound is beyond healing. Teach your child hope. Be like the light at the end of the tunnel, the reminder that there is a way out and an end to suffering. Things are getting better for LGBTQs every day. There is every reason to believe that your son or daughter will have a bright future, even if the present seems fraught with difficulty.
LGBs are now out in the world. With increased exposure, there has been a decrease in homophobia. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” has ended and LGBs now serve openly in the military. According to most polls, many people around the world think civil unions should be legalized and gay marriage appears to be picking up traction with less negative reaction. LGBs, I believe, will never again suffer the oblivion of invisibility. They are out and they are staying out.
Unfortunately, a lot of transgender individuals struggle for acceptance. I believe that the forward movement in LGB rights can only help to bring discrimination against transgender individuals to the forefront. The increased focus on school bullying is also helping to advance transgender issues as evidenced by the inclusion of transgender victims in federal hate crime legislation.
Here’s what this is all about: Your child walking freely about in the middle of the day, under the brightest sun, feeling great about who he or she is and excited about who he or she hopes to become. It’s about freedom for your child to be the same person whether alone or in a crowded room. It’s about the freedom to love. Your child deserves the real thing: a lasting, resilient love. A love that refuses to be confined to a small, dark corner. It is never only about sex. The desire for sex can be satisfied easily enough, without facing all the difficulties of coming out. One major reason your child has made this announcement about sexual orientation is because he or she desires a loving relationship. The only thing worth all this trouble is love.
Don’t let your child settle for less. When your son or daughter talks to you about being gay, don’t get stuck on the sex. Sex can be an expression of love, but it is not love. Focus on love and remind your child that the desire for a lasting intimate relationship is a healthy desire. Believe in love and encourage your child to believe in it too.
This book has been about two kinds of love. The first is love in the context of gay relationships. The second is love in the context of the parent-child relationship. Both are natural, healthy forms of love and so both are imbued with all of the wonderful characteristics of love: patience, tolerance, fidelity, kindness, and courage. Your child has followed love’s lead by coming out despite discrimination and homophobia. Now it’s your turn to follow love’s lead and come around.
LGBTQ RESOURCES
RECOMMENDED WEB SITES
AMPLIFY
Provides information for LGBTQ children and teens on how to become activists in their schools and communities.
CAMP PRIDE
Conducts a five-day leadership camp for LBGT individuals ages eighteen and older, held at Vanderbilt University. Participants explore LGBT issues on personal and national levels. Its mission is to increase individual and community pride and awareness and to develop leadership skills in those planning to pursue roles as leaders of change.
www.campuspride.org/camppride/index.html
EYES ON BULLYING
“Offers a multimedia program to prepare parents and caregivers to prevent bullying in children’s lives. Features the Eyes on Bullying Toolkit with insights, strategies, skills-building activities, and resources.”
FENWAY HEALTH
Located in the Boston area, Fenway Health is dedicated to providing optimal health care for LGBTQs. Their resource page is excellent.
www.fenwayhealth.org/site/PageServer?pagename=FCHC_res_resources_home
GAY FAMILY SUPPORT
Suited for parents, this Web site is written by the mother of one gay son and one bisexual son. It’s a mother’s story of how her family adjusted to their children coming out, with an inside look at the gay community and how you and your child can connect with that great network of support. Information on the language of the gay culture, FAQs, book recommendations, parents’ stories and a gay pride store provide a casual welcome into this community.
GAY AND LESBIAN ALLIANCE AGAINST DEFAMATION (GLAAD)
Provides advocacy and holds the media accountable for the image it presents to the public about the gay community. It also promotes a true understanding of LGBT lives. Its goal is to increase awareness, thereby decreasing the stigma, stereotyping and marginalization of those within the LGBT community.
GAY AND LESBIAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION (GLMA)
Created by physicians and other healthcare providers, GLMA is interested in improving health care for LGBTs through advocacy and education. Their Web site provides reliable, evidenced-based information on LGBT health. It also offers a gay-friendly provider directory.
GAY, LESBIAN & STRAIGHT EDUCATION NETWORK (GLSEN)
Devoted to change, GLSEN works with students, schools, parents and the community to ensure that students in the LGBT community are safe in their school environments and respected for their differences. They provide training and support on the national and local levels for educators, principals, district leaders and government leaders who work toward building school cultures that embrace the differences of their LGBT students.
GLBT NATIONAL HELP CENTER
Provides peer counseling online and by phone to members of the LGBT community, information on national and local resources, FAQs, a blog and a Youth Talkline for those under twenty-five years of age.
HUMAN RIGHTS CAMPAIGN (HRC)
Committed to justice, the HRC is the largest LGBT civil rights advocacy organization. They operate at both a grassroots level and nationally. The site offers a trove of information on LGBT legal rights at the state and national levels. Their popular logo, a yellow equal sign with a dark blue background, conveys the organization’s mission: to achieve equal rights for LGBTs.
IT GETS BETTER
Started by Dan Savage, It Gets Better is a place for young LGBT individuals and those who love them who may be wondering what the future holds. Inspirational videos, blogs and a list of over 500,000 people taking a pledge to end bigotry against those within the LGBT community can be viewed on this site.
LAMBDA LEGAL
Advocates in the courts for gay rights and serves as a legal resource for gays and lesbians.
METROPOLITAN COMMUNITY CHURCH
Established in 1968, The Metropolitan Community Church was the first church with an affirming ministry toward the LGBT community. Today they have a worldwide ministry with churches around the globe.
MY RIGHT SELF
Offers information on gender transitioning, personal stories and links to other useful sites.
NATIONAL BULLYING PREVENTION CENTER
Assists adults who want to learn how to stop school bullying, with a focus on protecting children with disabilities and elementary school children. Also offers information on Bullying Prevention Awareness Week.
NATIONAL GAY AND LESBIAN TASK FORCE
Trains activists, organizes gay rights campaigns and advances pro-LGBT legislation. See this Web site for cutting-edge information.
NATIONAL VIOLENCE PREVENTION YOUTH RESOURCE CENTER
Offers information and links to assist parents, teachers and teenagers with preventing bullying.
PARENTS, FAMILIES AND FRIENDS OF LESBIANS AND GAYS (PFLAG)
Dedicated to realizing the dream of full inclusion of the LGBT community in mainstream society. There are currently over 500 local chapters providing opportunities for emotional support and empowerment. You can locate a chapter through the Web site. If there is no chapter near you, PFLAG will provide the information you need to start one. In addition, the site offers information on education, activism, legal and employment matters, civil rights and resource links for LGBT citizens and their friends and families.
THE POINT FOUNDATION
Provides scholarships, mentorship and internship opportunities for students pursuing higher education. Students accepted into the program are matched with professionals in their fields of interest. These mentors provide support and advice throughout the students’ college tenures.
Managed by the Department of Health and Human Services, this site helps children, young adults, parents and educators put an end to bullying.
THE TREVOR PROJECT
Provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention to LGBTQ youths.
Fenway Guide to Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Health
edited by Harvey J. Makadon, Kenneth H. Mayer, Jennifer Potter and Hilary Goldhammer (American College of Physicians, 2007)