Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (21 page)

First: Transgender individuals experience their bodies as a prison. Self-disgust and hopelessness can lead to suicide. Mike’s parents discovered that their melancholic son was transforming into Michelle, a hopeful, happy daughter. Happiness trumps all. Second: Though the visual changes in their child’s appearance were substantial, the child was the same. If Mike loved old movies and modern art, gender transition didn’t change that. If Mike was kind, funny and smart, gender transition didn’t change that either. Third: Now that Mike is Michelle and no longer preoccupied by a body-soul disconnect, she will be more authentically herself with her parents. They will know the real Michelle, the one who was inside their child all along.

Why spend so much time addressing health issues? How will this help you parent your gay child? It’s the parents’ job to educate their
children as to how to lead healthy lifestyles. Parents encourage children to cover their heads in winter, to eat their vegetables and to wear their seatbelts. Now that you know more about the health risks your child may face due to oppression, discrimination and reduced access to health care, you are in a better position to advocate for prevention and to watch for indications of deteriorating health. While you could not make your child eat spinach if he pursed his lips and refused, you could play up its benefits and keep it on the table. In much the same way, you can keep health issues on the table and in the conversation when you talk to your gay child.

W
hat will he look like? What will she act like? Meeting your child’s partner may rekindle your homophobia. Despite your best intentions, your mind is bound to conjure up stereotypic images. If the partner turns out to fit those stereotypes, it can be unsettling, at least briefly. Once you get to know the person, stereotypes and the negative connotations attached to them wash away.

BECOMING AN IN-LAW

Social conventions, especially marriage, trigger certain behaviors in families. When a child marries, the connection between in-laws intensifies. Parents begin sending invitations to the couple and not just to their adult child. The spouse receives birthday cards and holiday presents from the in-laws. Extended family, including siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins, make similar adjustments. In some cases, fathers- and mothers-in-law from both sides of the family meet and become friends. In the happiest of circumstances, marriage affords each partner a second set of parents, a second “mom” and “dad.”

Because of the social oppression that LGBTQ couples face, they may need family support even more than conventional couples do. Unfortunately, without marriage as a trigger, there is no official ritual
or sacrament for LGBTQ couples that implies, “Okay, now we are family and everyone should treat us as such.” It is possible for LGBTQ couples to marry in certain states and thereby obtain marriage licenses. It is also possible to marry in another country as thousands of United States citizens did in 2005 when Canada became the first country on the continent to legalize gay marriage. My spouse and I married in Massachusetts and although our marriage is not recognized in Michigan, it is recognized in some other states. Most importantly, it is recognized by us. Until marriage is legal for all, you may have to ask your child, “Are you two as good as married?” If they answer yes, welcome your child’s spouse into the family.

You may want to encourage your child and his or her spouse to celebrate their union in some fashion. A state can refuse a gay couple a marriage license, but it can’t stop them from having a wedding. If a wedding seems too heterosexually bound, the couple can create a ritual that feels right to them and still conveys to family and friends that a commitment has ensued. As a parent of an LGBTQ, be sure to take an interest in your child’s partner’s family, work, interests, etc., just as you would if they were married. Communicate that the partner is expected to attend family gatherings and that his or her presence is valued. If family rituals involve spouses, be sure that the partner is included in the same manner as the other spouses. For example, if during Hanukah each spouse lights a candle on the Menorah, be sure to involve the LGBTQ spouse in kind. The same goes for family obligations. If Thanksgiving is hosted on a rotating schedule among families, then your child and his or her partner should be expected to take a turn.

Avoid referring to the partner as your child’s “friend.” Their relationship is more than a friendship. Instead, ask the couple how they would like you to refer to them when introducing or discussing them.

Emily’s Story

Emily, who is twenty-four, is out as a lesbian. Emily’s sister Grace was hosting Christmas dinner and her husband’s side of the family is very conservative. Grace was concerned that her husband’s parents would be uncomfortable if Emily came to dinner with her girlfriend. Grace asked Emily, “Can you and your girlfriend go low-key at dinner on Christmas? Maybe not hold hands
or anything like that.” Emily responded, “If you don’t want us as we are, we’re not coming. I can’t believe you would even ask this of me!” Frustrated, Grace asked their parents to intervene on her behalf.

A gracious host doesn’t impose conditions like this on her guests. Unfortunately, people sometimes fail to respect boundaries between family members the way they do with non-family. There is never a good reason to ask gay partners to pretend that they are straight. Doing so treats the gay relationship as second-class. More importantly, asking gays to hide their sexual orientations is asking them to shoulder feelings of shame that they may have spent years casting off. Emily’s resistance to Grace’s request is born of a battle with internalized homophobia. It’s a healthy, hard-earned resistance that protects Emily from feeling ashamed and being shamed.

Getting in the middle of a conflict between two adult children is usually a bad idea. Conflicts between adults are always best resolved directly, in a one-on-one conversation. Grace’s parents should tell her to resolve this on her own with her sister.

Sometimes, extreme reactions to homosexuality can split a family, such as when a straight person refuses to invite gay family members to events or refuses to attend events at which a gay couple is present. In these cases, everyone may feel compelled to choose sides, particularly if Christmas dinner is held at two places, one where the gay couple is welcome and one where the gay couple is not. As difficult as it may be, I encourage parents to attend only holiday events where every member of the family is welcome. Parents should make it clear that their door is always open to all of their children, regardless of sexual orientation.

BECOMING A GRANDPARENT

Some people believe that there is no greater joy than becoming a grandparent. What a thrill to hold a baby, to tease out a smile, to dry a tear, to cheer every accomplishment. How satisfying to see your adult child in the role of parent, passing on the family wisdom that has trickled down through the generations. How healing, in the late years of life, to see the world through a child’s innocent, imaginative eyes. You may have thought that having an LGBTQ child meant that you would never enjoy the wonders of being a grandparent. Not true!

There is no guarantee that any child, straight or gay, will want to be a parent. There are many married and unmarried heterosexuals who’ve chosen to remain childless. Likewise, your LGBTQ child may not be interested in parenting, but if s/he wants to parent, it can happen. More and more LGBTQ couples are choosing to raise children. The research is clear on this: children raised by gay couples fare as well or better on measures of psychological well-being when compared to children raised by heterosexual parents.
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When I first learned that children of gay couples, in some studies, appear better adjusted than those raised by heterosexual couples, I wondered why. Perhaps it is because gay couples don’t accidently get pregnant. Because it’s a choice and not an accident, they may be more prepared, emotionally and fiscally, for the responsibilities of parenting.

After recognizing that we wanted a child, my partner and I waited five years before we decided to have one. It’s a good thing, too, because we needed time to work through many homophobic beliefs. We’d been telling ourselves that it was selfish to have a child, because s/he would be ostracized as the child of gay parents. We agonized over the possibility that our child might be teased. We fretted over our child not having a father. We saw ourselves, our union, as offering less to a child than that offered by a heterosexual couple.

Eventually, we realized that we had what a child needs. We loved each other; our son or daughter would grow up strong and happy under the umbrella of that love. Whatever struggles our child might face because s/he had gay parents could not outweigh the gifts we had to offer. True, we would not be able to give him or her a father, but s/he would have terrific male role models in life, especially his or her grandfather. When we finally stopped buying into the belief that our family would be inferior, we were truly ready to be parents.

It is easier for female couples to have children than male couples. As long as one of the women in the partnership is interested in bearing a child, all that is needed is a sperm donor. Frozen sperm can be purchased from sperm banks by couples or by single women. Frozen sperm is specially prepared for insemination prior to freezing. Intrauterine and intra-cervical insemination is done by fertility clinics, many of which welcome lesbian couples. If the sperm donor is a known entity, such as a friend of the couple, there may be no need to involve a fertility clinic.

If your daughter is thinking of using a friend’s semen, she should be certain that the donor has been screened for STDs. Today, there are a number of devices on the market that can help a woman pinpoint ovulation, the right time of the month to conceive. Gynecologists, primary care doctors and midwives can answer questions about the fertility cycle, prenatal counseling, and screening to promote healthy fetal development. They can also provide advice to ensure that attempts to self-inseminate are safe and efficacious. If desired, fertility specialists can also offer recommendations as to which partner, based on health status and fertility, is most likely to have a successful pregnancy. In some cases, genetic testing may be warranted to rule out the risk of certain dangerous inherited disorders.

When my partner and I decided to have a baby, we wanted to do the insemination ourselves. We looked for a guide and found none. Our sperm donor was local. He collected the semen in a small sterile cup (the kind used to collect urine samples at the doctor’s office) and I rushed it home to my partner. We found that a baby medicine syringe was the best tool for insemination, and our fertility specialist recommended the proper angle of insertion. This device has a plastic flange inside the tube that collects the contents from the walls of the syringe and pushes them out so nothing is lost. Don’t use the mythical turkey baster! The few teaspoons of semen the donor produces will be lost in transit.

Male same-sex couples have a more difficult time becoming parents, because someone else will have to carry their baby. It is easier and less expensive to obtain sperm from a sperm bank than it is to find donor eggs and a surrogate. State laws on the legality of paid surrogates vary and are sometimes nonexistent. Some states have formalized a legal process for use of surrogates.

Adoption and foster care are two other ways to expand a family. Some states and adoption agencies discriminate against gay couples. It will be important for your son or daughter to investigate adoption laws in his or her state. Local and state LGBTQ groups, including online groups, can be helpful. They may be able to clarify state laws regarding adoption and/or point your son or daughter to a network of LGBTQs’ parents who’ve already negotiated this terrain. Some states and countries have created barriers that make it more difficult for gays to adopt. For some couples, having children is a top priority and may warrant moving. In all likelihood, a state or country that makes
it difficult for LGBTQs to adopt may also make it difficult for gays to raise children, so moving may have multiple benefits.

Your adult son or daughter may decide against having children for any number of reasons. I can think of only one reason why you should protest: if s/he decides against having children out of a sense of inferiority or fear. If homophobia is limiting your child’s life, challenge it. Be optimistic and share your optimism with your child.

Your child can be a parent and you can be a grandparent. It is more difficult for men than for women, but more male partners are adopting and utilizing surrogates. If your daughter or son believes that life without children is incomplete, encourage her or him to do whatever it takes to make it happen. Help your adult child to see the possibilities. The last thing parents want for their children is to see them settle for less or to give up. LGBTQs deserve to live fulfilling and rewarding lives and today it is within their reach.

V
alues are a part of everyday life. Whether articulated or not, our values drive our aspirations and inform our decisions and opinions. What are values? The
American Heritage Dictionary
lists a number of definitions: a calculated numerical quantity; a precise meaning, as of a word; the monetary worth of something; a thing’s worth as measured by its usefulness and importance; and, finally, a principle, standard, or quality considered worthwhile or desirable. Each of these definitions is interesting in its own right. There are those whose chosen values bear some of the features of all the definitions listed. Some people talk about values as if they were as concrete as a coin and as absolute as a calculation, but the last definition, the broadest one, suggests that values are actually quite abstract.