Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (17 page)

       
•  “I only embrace my father and I don’t really like it.”

       
•  “Any guy tries to kiss me and I’ll bite his tongue off.”

The degree of expressed repulsion in regard to male-male expressions of affection strongly suggests denial of earlier same-sex attraction and activity. If it were not denial and instead a true lack of desire for male-male affection, then the response would be one of indifference or neutrality and not nearly so extreme. This is upsetting, but it is no great surprise. Western culture places great restrictions on men in terms of gender conformity. Because homosexuality is often thought of as equivalent to gender nonconformity, men are conditioned, early on, to suppress anything that comes close to feelings of same-sex attraction. This expectation is so severe, so extreme, that there are those who cannot even hug a friend or their fathers without triggering that conditioned repulsion.

Hite found that about 83 percent of women surveyed preferred sex with men, 8 percent preferred sex with women and 9 percent did not express a preference. She says that many women who had never had a same-sex encounter were curious and interested in having one. Hite found that the women surveyed were less reactive than men to the idea of displaying affection toward members of the same sex and less defensive about experiencing feelings of arousal that may spontaneously occur when doing so:
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•  “There are times when I feel such a warmth from my best friend that I experience it sexually and almost desire her.”

       
•  “I want a woman lover—or more. I generally want closer relationships with women; I want to do all the things only men are supposed to do! I want to explore!”

       
•  “I have never had sex with a woman and can’t imagine it, but that is because of my conditioning. I can see why women would want other women and can accept it. I don’t know any lesbians that I know of. I have a close girlfriend who is divorced and we have discussed this a little and it seems we are both ‘straight’ but I notice we never touch each other. Are we afraid we might be gay and couldn’t handle it?”

I am struck by Hite’s consistency with Kinsey’s earlier findings, spanning many decades. The existence of homosexuality has been a well-kept secret. The fact that this secrecy is breaking in my lifetime is quite a thrill. The fact that it is breaking in your son’s or daughter’s lifetime puts your child in a historically unique position. Today’s children will be the architects of a new reality for gays and lesbians.

Ava’s Story

Ava is twelve years old. One night over dinner, Ava announced that she was queer. Her dad asked her what that meant and Ava responded she wasn’t sure. Her dad replied, “How can you be queer if you don’t even know what it is?” Ava stormed off, leaving her dad baffled. Ava was always flirting with boys, but she did have one really close girl friend. Ava’s father wondered if something was going on between the two girls.

Today children learn about sex much earlier than past generations did. They also engage in sexual activity earlier. Frankly I wish there were a way to slow it all down. Sex is a powerful thing. It can promote a level of intimacy that is unmanageable for the young and emotionally immature. It can get one sick, if one is not yet assertive enough to demand safe sex. It can get one pregnant. However, sex is a beautiful thing for those who are self-aware, assertive and mature enough not to be thrown off by its wondrous intensity.

Ava is only twelve, but in the United States and many other countries today she is well within the age range of considering sex and sexuality. However, I advised her father not to jump to conclusions about what was happening. There were many possibilities. Ava may be attracted to boys. She may not be attracted to boys but pretending in order to fit in. She may be attracted to her girl friend. She may have cuddled with or kissed her girl friend. She may be attracted to both boys and her girl friend. She may not understand her feelings toward boys or toward her girl friend. She may not yet know to whom she’s attracted and be experimenting with her sexuality. She may be asserting her independence from all labels by defining herself as queer. She may not have an idea of what queer means.

Ava’s father needs to find a book which explores same-sex relationships. The publishers of the standby
Our Bodies, Ourselves
now publish books about sex and sexuality for girls at various ages and I recommend them as resources. I also advised this parent against drawing premature conclusions about Ava’s sexual orientation. Sexual behavior, especially at this age, is not necessarily an indicator of sexual orientation. Ava is only twelve. Her true sexual orientation will surface in due time. In the meantime, her dad should maintain an interested and nonjudgmental tone that encourages open and honest communication, one that encourages his daughter to discover her sexual self safely, slowly and freely.

Remember, fathers can talk to daughters about sex and moms can talk to sons. If you’re a single parent or part of a same-sex couple, don’t assume you’re at a disadvantage when it comes time to have a talk about sexual relationships. The gender of the parent is less important than the quality of the parenting. In most cases, children will gravitate toward adults whom they anticipate will be the least judgmental and most comfortable with conversations of this nature.

The next chapters discuss LGBT health disparities. The impact of minority status, if you are not already familiar with it, has been staggering and sad. As you read, remember that your child is part of the first generation to live in a society that recognizes the existence of homosexuality and the issue of gay rights. This will confer great health benefits, at least to those who live in towns, cities and states that support gay rights. I predict that researchers who write about the health of gay men and women ten and twenty years from now will have great news. They will discover that gays, in general, have suffered from fewer health disparities than their predecessors. They will find that gays living in the most gay-friendly states will have had better access to health care and will have suffered fewer health disparities compared to gays living in less gay-friendly states. They will conclude that when the law lifts the weight of oppression from our children’s shoulders, they will live healthier lives. The big changes begin with your children.

M
any variables confound the attempts of researchers who try to understand the experience of sexual minorities. First, sexual orientation and gender identity are not listed on many state and national surveys. Second, sexual behavior doesn’t always coincide neatly with sexual identity. For example, some people who identify as lesbians also have sex with men. Third, fear of disclosing sexual minority status makes it impossible to generalize results of studies with absolute confidence. Despite the limited data, here is a summary of LGB health risks, transgender health issues and suggestions of how you can help. Later we’ll discuss ways to optimize health care.

LGB HEALTH RISKS

Social stigmatization and discrimination are sources of chronic stress that take a toll on health. In a review of literature, Dr. Elizabeth Pascoe, assistant professor of psychological sciences at the University of Northern Colorado, and Dr. Laura Smart Richman, assistant professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, explain that chronic stress and the associated autonomic arousal cause wear and tear on the body which results in greater vulnerability to disease. This wear and tear also manifests in psychological exhaustion which
increases participation in unhealthy behaviors and decreases participation in healthy behaviors.
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Columbia University researchers Ilan Meyer, Jessica Dietrich and Sharon Schwartz delineate the stressors into two broad types: distal stressors and proximal stressors. Distal stressors are direct effects of discrimination and prejudice, like being the victim of a hate crime or being exposed to negative comments about one’s sexuality. Proximal stressors occur internally as a function of internalized homophobia, such as someone believing he is a bad person because he is gay or hiding his sexual orientation.
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Disadvantaged social status adds to this burden. As Meyer, Dietrich and Schwartz explain, those at the lower ends of the social strata not only experience more stressors but also have less access to resources to deal with those stressors. For example, if a person is denied a job because she is gay, she experiences the emotional pain of being discriminated against but also the fiscal pain of being out of work. If she is ultimately unable to find a job due to discrimination, she will experience all the disadvantages that accompany poverty. It would help if she could join a gym to work off the stress, but she doesn’t have the money. If stress results in illness, she doesn’t have health insurance and so her health needs go unmet. In this way, disadvantaged social status compounds the negative effects of oppression.
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As a result of discrimination, stigmatization and isolation, LGBs are at increased risk for depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol abuse, smoking, obesity, low self-esteem, suicide and sexually transmitted diseases.
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As already discussed, LGBs are at risk of being bullied in the school environment. Physical and verbal victimization is a common experience for LGBTQs and the resulting trauma has lasting negative effects to mental health, such as increased risk for post-traumatic stress disorder.

In a review of the literature, clinical psychologist Dr. Michael Marshal and a panel of his peers report much higher rates of substance use in LGB adolescents.
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Compared to heterosexual youths, LGB adolescents are 190 percent more likely to use substances, with the highest use among bisexuals and female sexual minorities, 340 percent and 400 percent higher than for heterosexual youths, respectively. A large national study of LGBs twenty years and older confirmed previous findings of higher rates of substance dependence among LGBs;
however, most LGBs were not substance dependent and there was considerable variability in use based on gender and how sexual orientation was defined.
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One systematic national review of smoking in sexual minorities noted higher rates in sexual minorities who identified as “mostly homosexual” as compared to those who identified as “homosexual” and higher rates among those who had sex with both men and women as compared to those having exclusive, same-sex relationships.
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Whether this reflects higher rates of smoking among bisexuals as compared to gays and lesbians or whether it reflects increased rates of smoking associated with incomplete sexual identity development is not clear.

Lesbians and bisexual women are at increased risk for being overweight and obese.
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One study of college women found that lesbians were 1.73 times more likely and bisexual women 1.53 times more likely to be overweight or obese than their heterosexual peers.
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Gay male adolescents and gay men do not appear to have an increased risk for obesity and may actually have lower rates of obesity than their heterosexual counterparts. Contrary to popular myth, there is no association between weight and high risk sexual behavior in gay men.
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LGBTQ youths are vastly overrepresented among runaways living on the street. As many as 25 to 40 percent of youths on the street identify as LGBTQs. Parental rejection is one contributing factor to this percentage. Gay runaways are sometimes referred to as “throwaways.” Discrimination is another factor. In one study of city runaways, 80 percent reported that emotional turmoil resulting from exposure to ridiculing jokes and negative stereotypes was a primary reason for leaving school and home. When living on the street, LGBTQs fare worse than their heterosexual peers. For instance, they are more likely than heterosexual runaways to resort to prostitution for survival.

Girls who identify as lesbian and bisexual are just as likely as their heterosexual peers to have intercourse (a common finding), but are 12 percent more likely to become pregnant and more likely to engage in prostitution.
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This may sound counterintuitive, but one of the profound effects of oppression is a collapse of self-care. Safe sex often depends on a girl’s self-esteem and her desire for self-preservation. Additionally, homelessness is greater among LGBs and homelessness is associated with survival sex.

Because sexual orientation is not listed on death records and because it is often impossible to know why a person commits suicide, there is no reliable way to estimate completed suicides among the LGBTQ population. Information on suicide attempts, however, is available. Since population-based surveys of adolescents began to ask about sexual orientation in the 1990s, the rate of reported suicide attempts among LGBs has been two to seven times higher than the rate of suicide attempts among heterosexual adolescents.
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One study that looked at suicide method found that more than half of the attempts involved potentially lethal methods and 21 percent of attempts resulted in a medical or psychiatric hospitalization.
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As would be expected, a number of factors play a mediating role in suicidal behavior. Having a mental health disorder increases the risk of suicidal behavior.
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A meta-analysis of twenty-five international and national studies of LGB adolescents and adults found that certain mental health disorders (depression, anxiety disorders and substance use disorders) were 1.5 times more common in LGBs than in heterosexuals.
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