Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (15 page)

Here is an illustrative example: Jim, a member of a local youth organization, and his dad were selling candy door-to-door as a fundraiser for the organization. They went to Greg’s house and he bought a few bars. After Greg shut the door, Greg’s gay son Bobby told him, “The people in that organization are bigots and you shouldn’t support them.” Greg asked why and Bobby told him that they prohibit gays from joining the group or serving as leaders. Greg exclaimed, “Oh, I know Jim’s father and he wouldn’t do anything like that.” Bobby told him that Jim’s father was discriminating by putting his son in the group and that Greg was discriminating by supporting the group through his purchase. Bobby marched off angrily to his room while Greg stood there in a state of utter confusion.

The son’s reaction is understandable. He’s been learning about discrimination and he knows that the youth organization has gone to court to defend its homophobic policies. At this point, Bobby is between the stages of Identity Acceptance and Identity Pride. He is still a novice in managing the pain of oppression and he is furious that he is oppressed at all. He doesn’t know how to fight back. From an emotional standpoint, he might experience this episode as the equivalent of someone calling him a faggot. Or he might perceive it as worse, because Greg minimized the discrimination.

If you were Bobby’s father you would need to understand that, at this time, he needs you to listen. Ask him to tell you about the organization and what it did to its gay members. Empathize. Try to assure him that you support him and that you don’t believe that someone should be excluded from a group because he is gay. Ask what you can do to help. Maybe the two of you can write a letter to the organization together. Whatever you do, don’t minimize discrimination.

Eventually, your son will learn to choose his battles so they don’t exhaust him. He will recognize that his battles are not always your battles. He will come to understand that your experience of something is different from his experience of the same thing because you are a different person and because you are not gay. Even if you are gay, you might not feel the same as him and react in the same way to a particular type of discrimination.

Eventually, your child will learn that it is unfair to ask you to be an extension of him. When that time comes, he will be delighted when you take action to support gay rights, but he will also have learned to tolerate when you miss the mark or have a difference of opinion, as long as he feels loved and accepted by you.

A
s children approach adulthood, the parent-child relationship can change in dramatic ways. Parents gradually surrender the authority that gave them the right to set limits and hold their children accountable. They accept a very different role with limited power: that of advisor and counselor. Failure to make this shift will strain the parent-child relationship and thwart maturation. A young adult who is kept on a “short leash” will either submit or try to break free. If s/he pulls and breaks free, s/he will likely be propelled far away, at a safe distance beyond parental reach and influence. If s/he submits, the child will fail to meet and conquer the developmental challenges of young adulthood that can only be encountered beyond the bounds of parental supervision. Neither of these options are healthy ones. Painful as it may be, frightening as it may be, parents must let go and let their children grow and become independent. Only after a child sees that his or her parents respect his or her independence can s/he safely use them as a touchstone for consolation and advice. Accepting your child’s sexual identity is necessary for his or her continued emotional development, but it is also necessary for the successful transition from the parent-child relationship to a parent-adult child relationship.

The relinquishing of parental control comes in stages. In early adolescence, you need to encourage your child to make minor decisions,
such as clothing, length of hair and whether to join a sports team or try out for the school play. By late adolescence, your child should be making decisions that have more lasting consequences, such as whether to go to college or get a job and whether to say yes or no to sex with a partner. Eventually, as the child becomes an adult, the child should assume full responsibility for his or her decisions. When that happens, the child becomes a full-fledged adult. The age at which adulthood commences is not set in stone, but a good estimate is somewhere between eighteen and twenty-two years of age.

Failure to separate from parents leaves a young adult psychologically tethered to them. Not only does this limit psychosocial development, but also it puts a strain on the parent-child relationship. Any small conflict can feel like a tug-of-war.

Family systems psychologists (among them Salvador Minuchin, Virginia Satir and Murray Bowen) have developed and popularized approaches to family therapy that focus on issues such as the importance of boundaries between family members. In healthy families, individuals maintain and respect boundaries while maintaining connection. When a family member’s boundaries are too rigid, family systems therapists refer to the relationship as
disengaged.
When a family member’s boundaries are too permeable, family systems therapists refer to this relationship as
enmeshed.
Boundary problems in a family can delay, halt or distort normal child development. When a child is gay, parent-child boundary problems add yet another layer of complication to sexual identity development, a process already burdened by homophobia.
¹

In working with LGBTQ adolescents, the problem of overly permeable boundaries is significant. I’ve had gay adolescent and young adult clients whose parents not only rejected the children’s sexual orientations but also used whatever leverage they may have had to discourage the children’s relationships.

It can perhaps be hard to comprehend how a parent and child can be too close. Clasp your hands together so that the fingers of each hand interlock alternately. Notice that it can be difficult to tell, just by looking, which fingers belong to which hand. Similarly, when two people are enmeshed, they find it hard to determine which decisions belong to whom. When your hands are clasped, it’s hard to see that they are two separate parts and not one whole. Now try to move one hand. This drags the other hand along with it. In enmeshed relationships,
conflicts are emotionally charged. Because the parties involved are entangled, movement by one party disrupts the other.

Another way to think about enmeshed relationships is to think about power. When identities become entangled, struggles over personal power occur. Often it appears as though one person gives his or her power to another and, right after doing so, begins a fight to get it back. Here’s an example: Keith tells his mother that he’s going to the park to play basketball. His mom says she doesn’t want him to go out because he has bad sunburn. Keith tells her he’ll wear sunblock, but his mother insists that he stay inside. Keith, who was on his way out the door, turns around and slams the door shut. He plops down on the couch and begins a long rant, “Mom, I’m seventeen years old. When are you going to stop telling me when and if I can go out! You hover over me like I’m a five-year-old kid! None of my other friends have a mother like that!” In this case, Keith’s mom doesn’t recognize she is overstepping and Keith doesn’t realize that he need not let her. Keith could have said, “Thanks for the tip, Mom. See you later,” but instead Keith assumes the role of a young child. He does what he is told and then whines about it. Adults and young adults who forfeit their power run the risk of never fully assuming control of it. Adolescent power has limits while the teen remains a minor and under his or her parents’ guardianship.

LGBTQs who anticipate parental disapproval might decide to delay coming out. Those who are enmeshed with their parents might feel that such an announcement would be doomed to provoke a powerful, even explosive parental reaction. If this occurs, the enmeshed child is likely to respond with equal intensity, either imploding (depression and suicide) or exploding (intense anger directed toward the parents).

Because there is not a clear boundary between self and other, enmeshed parents are at risk for commenting without editing. If they have not dealt with their homophobia, they may say deeply hurtful things. In addition, they are likely to try to assert control over decisions that should be left to the child, such as when to disclose, to whom to disclose and even whom to date.

Dr. Laurie Heatherington of Williams College and Justin Lavner of the University of California, Los Angeles, reviewed family systems therapists’ opinions about coming out. They found that positive parental reactions to coming out are associated with fewer negative feelings about a child’s growing autonomy and more positive feelings
about the parent-child relationship (feelings of closeness and empathy).
²
Similarly, LGBs who report more secure attachments to parents as measured by the effective quality of the attachment, parental fostering of autonomy and parental emotional support are more likely to be out and to be out for a longer period of time to their parents and are less likely to report depressive thoughts about self, others and the future.
³
Heatherington and Lavner explain that negative parental reactions to coming out can hinder a child’s efforts in attaining autonomy (which is necessary for identity development) while remaining emotionally connected to parents.

For these reasons I’ve cited, it is important for parents to recognize the line that separates them from their children. In young adulthood, that line is relatively new. One may think of it as drawn in chalk, where it can be rethought, scratched out and drawn again. If you can’t find the boundary between you and your teenage child, sit down together and map one out. If attempts to talk calmly and respectfully about differences degrade into arguments and hurt feelings, consider obtaining the guidance of a family therapist to help re-chart the parent-child relationship and develop a new rapport.

Let’s return to Keith’s situation and add sexual orientation. Keith and his parents attend a church that preaches against homosexuality. Keith is painfully aware of this because, for several years, he’s been fighting homosexual feelings. The harder he fights the feelings, the stronger they become, until it is all he can think about. He feels he has to tell someone. His father is more conservative than his mother, so he decides to tell his mother. For all their bickering, he knows she loves him. When he tells his mom, “I think I’m gay,” she takes him to the preacher. Together they tell Keith’s father, who is no happier than Keith’s mother to hear the news. The family and preacher talk and pray together until Keith convinces them that the “problem” is resolved.

Keith begins attending college and he and another student fall in love. This time, Keith knows better than to tell his parents, but Keith’s parents visit Keith’s dormitory without calling first and find Keith and his partner kissing. This ignites a loud, tearful argument.

When Keith is twenty years old and in his third year of college, his dad has softened a bit. He even asks Keith’s partner to come along when they go out to lunch. Keith’s mom is polite, but not welcoming. While Keith’s mom has reluctantly accepted Keith’s homosexuality,
she manages to work comments into the conversation such as, “Keith is going to do what Keith wants to do regardless of how it affects the rest of us.” These comments bother Keith’s partner, but Keith ignores what his mother says. When Keith’s mother comments that the gay rights sticker on Keith’s car is an invitation to get beaten up, Keith removes it, saying, “It’s only a sticker!” His partner says, “No. It’s about a lot more than a sticker.”

The boyfriend is right! Keith’s mom and Keith are enmeshed. Keith’s failure to individuate or separate from his mother stunts his growth. At this age he should be asserting his identity. He should be able to stand up for himself and for what is important to him. If he can’t break away from his mother, he will likely have difficulty facing the next stages of social-emotional development. Keith’s enmeshment with his mother is interfering with his relationship with his partner. Removing the gay rights sticker from his car suggests that Keith’s unhealthy relationship with his mother is chipping away at his integrity.

Allowing your child to separate from you will not diminish your connection with your child. Instead it will allow for a new connection, one based on mutual love and respect. While young children require parental supervision and intervention, young adults don’t. They require room to grow. If given that room, they will want to share their adventures with you. Your child may not always need your permission or want your advice, but he or she will always need your love.

H
istory is replete with examples of individuals who shined a light in the darkness and changed history. Leaders like Martin Luther King Jr., Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Teresa offered visions that countered oppression, but hope can operate at the micro level too. Hope is the gay boy who sticks it out through high school despite being harassed, because he wants to go to college. Hope is the lesbian girl who says no to drugs when the parking lot is full of opportunities to get high and forget about being bullied. Hope is the bisexual child who risks ridicule by starting a Gay-Straight Alliance at his school. Psychologists describe people like this as
resilient.

Resilient people bend without breaking. They recover better and more quickly from emotional injury. If the oppression is a crushing weight, then resiliency is a coiled spring that bears the weight most effectively and efficiently.