Coming Home (Homeward Bound Series Book 1) (19 page)

Chapter 32

SPENCER

I felt like an imposter. An idiot. In my gut I knew this was a bad idea. A very bad fucking idea. I wouldn’t deny Zoe anything. I never could. I watched her wobble into the bathroom on unsteady legs and couldn’t help but wonder if she was having second thoughts. Even though I’d heard the words fall from her lips, I still wasn’t sure I believed her. The longer she took in the bathroom, the more I regretted slipping between her sheets.

When the door creaked open, my stomach lurched.

My Zoe looked beautiful.

As soon as I saw her I knew why it had taken her so long. She wanted to look pretty. And she did. There was also fear there. I found myself praying it wasn’t me she was afraid of. With her eyes downcast, Zoe flicked off the light and made her way to the bed.

I was already safely nestled beneath the covers. I’d stripped off and slipped into bed while she was hiding. I didn’t want to make this anymore awkward for her than it already was. I thought about saying something, anything to make her more comfortable but I couldn’t find the words. I didn’t need to. My Pippi was strong.

Without a word she climbed in beside me and wiggled as close as she could to her side of the bed. Taking my cue from her, I shifted towards the edge as well and closed my eyes. It was weird, and more than a little intimidating.

The room was silent except for my own heavy breathing. I could hear my heart pounding. I was wide awake. It was going to be a bloody long night.

“Spencer!” Zoe’s meek voice echoed.

“Yeah,” I answered, not even recognising my own voice.

“Stop thinking so damn hard. I can hear you all the way over here,” Zoe teased.

Even through the darkness and the silence she knew. “Sorry,” I conceded, more than a little embarrassed. Only Zoe could know me this well. It scared the shit out of me. We’d barely seen each other through the last couple of years, but in a week everything had changed and I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it.

“Sorry.”

I heard Zoe’s giggle just before she rolled over into my arms. “Princess…” my voice was grave.

“Shut up and sleep, Spencer.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I wrapped her in my arms and settled in for a long, sleepless night.

I was surprised when I woke hours later to the smell of coffee hanging in the air. It had taken what seemed like forever for me to fall asleep but once I was out, I was dead to the world. Rolling over, I stretched out my bone weary body, stunned at how achy I was. When I buried my head in the pillow beside me I was surrounded by Zoe’s familiar scent. I couldn’t restrain the groan. That girl was going to be the death of me.

And then like the torturous wench she was, Zoe appeared. “Morning, sunshine,” she said sweetly.

“Someone’s in a good mood,” I grunted, adjusting the sheet over my lap. Zoe did not need to know what was happening under there.

“I am,” she declared, dropping onto the bed beside me and holding out a steaming mug. “I had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a while.”

Taking a large mouthful from the cup, I took my time before answering. “Did you now?” I taunted. I couldn’t help myself.

Zoe flushed bright red with embarrassment. I chuckled. I loved getting under that girl’s skin. For some reason Zoe brought out the worst in me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I hate you,” she grumbled before yanking on the sheet and taking it with her as she waltzed out the door. I was just thankful she didn’t look back. She didn’t need to see what she’d inadvertently uncovered. I needed a shower. A cold one. Right now!

Twenty minutes later, I was showered, shaved and sitting at the kitchen bench sipping my second coffee of the morning. I’d already packed all my stuff into my bag and now it was sitting by the door, taunting me. If I’d been smart I’d already be on the road, but again I was proving how much of a dumb ass I really was.

“Huh,” Zoe sighed as she tipped what was left of her tea down the sink before rinsing the cup and setting it aside. Everything she did looked calculated and measured. Something was off. Zoe was acting weird. She was timid and unsure. Zoe was never timid or unsure.

“What’s up, Princess?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just tell me.”

“Nothing.”

“Liar,” I countered.

I knew what was wrong. Without her saying a word, I knew. Yesterday the fear had been washed away, but like the tide it had come in overnight. It wouldn’t help if I pointed out what was wrong. Zoe had to figure it out for herself.

“It’s no-nothing,” she stammered miserably.

I wished I could take away her pain and make it my own, but I couldn’t.

Seeing the shame and pain in her eyes, I leapt from the bar stool and dragged her into my arms. When she stumbled against me, my heart split wide open. “Zoe, you’ll be okay. You can do this. You’re stronger than you believe. But do you wanna know the good news?”

“There’s good news?” Zoe asked between painful sobs.

“Yep. A pretty silver lining. Want to know what it is?” I forced buoyancy in my voice.

“Tell me,” she whimpered into my shoulder as I tangled my fingers in her hair.

“You mightn’t believe that you can do this, but you can. I know you can.”

After a long pause, Zoe nodded. “Okay.”

‘Okay?”

“Okay.”

Pushing her back, I looked in her face, desperate to find a trace of hope. Of belief. Of acceptance. It wasn’t there. Nothing was. Her eyes were lifeless and empty. Her face was expressionless. Suddenly I knew I wasn’t going anywhere. At least not today.

“Shouldn’t you be leaving for work?” I encouraged as I intertwined our fingers and led her towards the front door. She moved like she was being sent off to her own execution. Every step was slow and heavy.

“I’m going,” she grumbled, swiping at her tear-filled eyes.

Damn, this girl is going to be the death of me.

“You got everything?” she asked, pointing to my bag.

Nodding, I said, “Yeah, but I was wondering if…if it would be okay if I stayed another day?”

Zoe raised an eyebrow, obviously caught off guard. “You-you want to stay?” she asked, stumbling over her words.

“Is that okay?”

Zoe didn’t have time to answer before she leapt into my arms and squeezed me so tight she almost cut off my oxygen supply. Loosening her grip on my neck, I laughed. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Thank you,” Zoe whispered.

It was Thursday before I got home.

Chapter 33

ZOE

Thursday night was the worst night sleep I’d ever had. Ever.

I barely slept.

I woke up in a cold sweat. More than once.

Every sound, every breath of wind, every rev of a car engine, I heard.

I didn’t want to admit it, and I could never say it out loud, but I wished Spencer was still lying beside me. The nights wrapped in his arms seemed like a lifetime ago.

I watched the sun rise as I blew the steam from my coffee. I couldn’t risk a look in the mirror. I already knew I had a rats’ nest on my head and the bags under my eyes were so heavy they felt like overstuffed suitcases.

Four days of work had almost killed me. It had been boring and monotonous and more than a little exhausting. Sitting in an uncomfortable chair, trying to refrain from taking the pain killers. I hated that they made me more than a little loopy and left me feeling completely spent by three each afternoon. It seemed that no amount of coffee or chocolate could provide the energy just to get me to the end of the day.

Spencer had texted me yesterday letting me know he’d made it home safely. He’d been more than supportive. He’d been everything. I’d known Spencer forever and loved him in one way or another for even longer, but in the past week, he’d become my hero. He held me when I needed him to, he’d picked me up off the floor and wiped my tears. He’d given me tough love when I needed it, whether or not I wanted to hear it. Now though, now he’d gone home. Returned to his life and left me to mine. Or what was left of it.

Before he’d left he’d made me promise that I was okay. Each day I’d come home from the office to find him waiting on my couch, dinner already cooking, and as I’d walk through the door he’d offer me a smile and ask how I was. Not once did he ask how work was, or what I’d been up to…his questions were always about me. How was I feeling. How much pain were my ribs causing me. Did I need anything. He’d made me the number one priority in his world. I loved him for it. Somehow I knew I’d never be able to repay him.

And each day, I’d told him the truth. I ached. I was tired. I was grumpy. The man on the tram stunk. When I’d come home on Wednesday night, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t take another day of seeing the pain and pity in his eyes. It was too much. Too hard. So I did something I never thought I’d do. I lied. To Spencer’s face, I lied to him. I told him that I was all right. That I could do it on my own. I must have been damn convincing because he’d believed me. The next morning Spencer packed his bags and headed home.

And I’d let him.

I was a fucking idiot.

A fucking, lying idiot.

And now I was paying the price. Now I was sitting alone in my empty apartment staring at the sunrise. I wasn’t just alone. I was lonely.

Then I couldn’t breathe. I was fighting for each breath. Wheezing and gasping and then I dropped the mug I’d been holding, sending it clattering to the floor, the hot liquid spilling everywhere. I couldn’t care. Clutching my chest, I felt like I was trying to hold everything together, but couldn’t. When black spots danced in my vision I knew I was in trouble.

Grabbing my phone, my trembling fingers managed to hit the speed dial.

“Zoe!” Spencer’s voice sounded surprisingly buoyant for being barely dawn.

“Sp-en-cer,” I stammered, coughing on another breath.

“Fuck, Zoe! What’s going on?”

“Can’t…breathe.”

“Okay, Zoe. It’s okay. You’re okay. Just sit down. Go on…go sit on the couch.”

“M’kay.”

“Are you sitting down?”

“Ye-yeah.”

“Right now take off your shoes. Are they off?”

“Mmm,” I mumbled as I kicked off my socks.

“Right now this might hurt a bit because of your ribs, but I want you to try. Try for me. Put your head between your knees and just concentrate on taking one breath at a time. Forget everything else. Just take a breath. Just one. That’s good. Now take another.”

I followed Spencer’s instructions explicitly. I wasn’t sure whether it was the breathing that was slowing my racing heart or Spencer’s steady, soothing voice in my ear, but I started to feel better.

“Good work, Zoe. Keep going. You can do this. In. Out. In. Out.” There was no annoyance in his voice. No frustration. He sounded calm, concerned.

I wanted to be embarrassed, I just couldn’t summon the strength.

For minutes, or maybe it was hours, Spencer’s deep velvety voice just kept reassuring me. Kept me focused. Not for a moment did he make me feel like an idiot.

Somehow―I’ll never understand how―my out of control body calmed down and I started to feel normal again.

“You still there, Zoe?” Spencer’s voice was frazzled.

“Yeah, Spence, I’m here. I’m fine.”

“Thank fuck!”

“Gee, thanks, Spence.”

“Come on, Zoe. Give me a break here. You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do,” I conceded begrudgingly.

There was a long silence and I had a minute to get myself back under control. Lifting my head from between my knees, I glanced around the room. And I knew. I couldn’t stay here. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. The air was stifling. I needed to get out.

“Hey, Spence?”

“Yeah, Pippi?”

As my nickname echoed down the phone line, a smile settled on my face. Somehow even though he wasn’t there and he couldn’t see me, he knew what I needed in the exact moment I needed it. “Can-can I come home?”

The silence on the other end of the line almost killed me. I heard the sharp intake of breath, and I couldn’t help but hold mine. My head was spinning. Spencer was going to say no. He was going to tell me to grow up. Tell me that I needed to stand on my own two feet. That I wasn’t his problem. That he couldn’t keep saving me. That he didn’t want to.

“I’m sorry, Spence. Forget I said anything. Please, just pretend―”

“Zoe!” Spencer snapped.

“Yeah?” I replied nervously.

“Would you shut up for two seconds? And stop thinking.”

“O-okay.”

“You can come home anytime you want. You don’t ever have to ask. Just come home. Let me know when you get here and I’ll make sure I’m home to let you in.”

Relief flooded me. “Thank you, Spencer. I mean, seriously…I can’t thank you enough. For everything. If there is anything I can do to repay you―”

“Zoe! Shut up. Pack a bag. Get your cute butt in the car. It’s time for you to come home.” He chuckled and instantly I felt lighter.

“You sure?”

“See you in a couple of hours.”

“Okay.”

“Oh and Zoe. Bring a dress. You’re my date to the B&F on Saturday,” he added, almost as if it was an afterthought.

I giggled and I barely recognised the sound. It sounded good. “That explains the invite then.”

“What’s that?”

“You’re desperate and I’m easy.”

That earned me a deep, hearty chuckle. “Pippi, the last word I’d ever use to describe you is easy. Now stop stalling. Get your shit together and get on the road. I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”

“Thanks, Spence.”

“Anytime, Pippi. Drive carefully.”

Spencer ended the call and I flopped back against the cushions feeling overwhelmed with gratitude and comfort. In a few minutes, with only a conversation, somehow Spencer had managed to put my out of control life back on the rails and back in focus. Yet another thing I’d never be able to thank him enough for. After a few deep breaths and a heavy sigh, I did exactly what he’d told me to. I shuffled into my bedroom and stuffed my bag. Twenty minutes later I was draping my dress across the back seat of my car and heading to Spencer’s. Heading home. The word made my world spin. It just felt so damn right I couldn’t ignore it.