Compulsive (Liar #1) (12 page)

The cops stayed inside with Harvey while the three of
us left to the cars. The full moon and streetlights provided enough
illumination to show the awkwardness on all our faces. Becca began to tear up,
and I draped an arm around her shoulders. “I’m sorry to drag you back into
this, Gray.”

“Don’t even worry about it, Bec.” We stopped in front
of her car. I took my sleeve and swiped away her tears. “Just get this divorce
wrapped up already. And stay away from the damn house. No gravy boat is worth
this shit.” She spit out a giggle and nodded. I opened the door for her to get
in. “Text me later and let me know how you’re doing.”

Becca placed her hand on the door. “Hold on.”
Determination in her eyes, she took hold of my cheeks. “I’m getting in, but
we’re not leaving. You two should talk. It’s been too long.”

“Becca…”

Feet shuffling behind me stopped my words. Why did
this have to be now? Becca smiled at him over my shoulder, like there was some
secret between them and then slipped into the driver’s seat.

I folded my arms across my body, feeling the night chill
for the first time. As I walked to the back of the car, I swallowed the lump
forming in my throat. I used my anger to steel myself, knowing I couldn’t let
him find a weak spot.

He slipped one hand into his jacket pocket and
retrieved his keys. “So…you were going to leave without so much as a hello.”

“This wasn’t a dinner party.” I checked the street a
few times for cars that weren’t coming. Then, I left my eyes on the road.

“Gray…Dammit. Are we ever going to try to be a family
again?”

I snapped my attention to him and caught that familiar
frustration covering his face. “We haven’t been a family for a long time,” I
said. His expression morphed into sad desperation at hearing my words. For the
first time in so long, I felt regret instead of anger. I thought about Daniel
and what he would say about that. I skimmed through all the mental pages of
transcripts documenting what I’d shared with Daniel about my dad. I knew it was
hypocritical to hope for my own mending and forgiveness but to exclude him from
all of it. The pain I’d have to bear in order to make that possible was too
much right now. Daniel still didn’t know the whole story.

“No matter what you say…how hard you push me
away…you’re still my little girl.”

I shook my head and forced the lump down with a hard swallow.
The wall I’d put up with everyone else had the ease of an automatic slider,
which I could access at a moment’s notice. But with my dad, it was like pulling
it out of the mud. “It’s late. I have to go.”

“Wait…please.” He touched my shoulder and then my
cheek. “No matter how old you get, you still look like your mom.”

“Thank you,” was all I could manage along with my
frozen stare. “You’ve got a lot of driving if you’re following her back.” I pulled
my keys from my purse, hoping he’d set me free.

“Okay, honey.” He looked down for a beat, but as I
stepped away, a last eager plea entered his eyes as he watched me walk away. “I
love you,” he said.

--------------------------

Evyn sat across from me at a tiny café a few blocks from our office. Her
porcelain skin and clear blue eyes glistened against the morning glow of the
newly risen sun. I inhaled several deep breaths to ease the knots that had
formed in my stomach the second I woke up and saw her text. Evyn, my savior and
my conscience, never had good news to share with me. So, I waited anxiously for
her to lower the boom.

“You look great,” she said as she sipped the coffee
the server had set in front of her.

“I don’t feel great at the moment, Evyn.” I pushed my cup
to the middle, wondering why I’d ordered something that would only add to my
nerves. “What is it?” On the car ride over, I’d scanned through what Daniel and
I had talked about in our last few sessions. Had I said something to alarm him?
Did he believe I’d broken our deal and hadn’t been truthful? It had been
getting more difficult to avoid sharing every part of me with him. Being near
him had such an effect on me; my mouth often worked independently of my brain.
And as much as I thought I was hiding my feelings, my body reacted around him.
My eyes turned lusty whenever they connected with his. But, he wouldn’t be able
to share those fears with Evyn. Our last session we’d talked about work and the
incident that landed me in this mess, so it’s possible they’d spoken about
that.

“Gray, I’m sorry if I worried you. It’s just…well,
this isn’t easy for me to tell you.”

“Did Daniel, I mean, Dr. Harrison, say something to
you?”

Evyn pulled a thin piece of blonde hair behind her ear
as she squinted at me. “No. Why do you ask?”

“No reason,” I said quickly, shaking my head. “Look,
if you’re letting me go, let’s get this over with.”

“Gray…”

“I won’t hold it against you. We both know I’ve been
your charity case for far too long.” The words were spilling out of me so fast
I wasn’t sure if I meant them or if they were standard issue. “Seriously, thank
you for trying. It’s probably best—”

“Whoa!” A bright smile took over her face before a soft
hand landed gently over mine. “Back it up, honey. I’m not doing anything of the
kind.”

My eyes grew wide. My mouth dropped, searching for a
response.

“Yeah,” she said with reassurance. “In fact, I’m here
to ask you back full-time.”

“What?”

She retrieved her hand from mine. Her smile faded to
regret. “Like I said, this is hard for me. Really, I’m a little ashamed.”

I glanced around the crowded patio, filled with mostly
business people grabbing their caffeine fix before heading to work. “I’m
confused.”

“I know. I’m stalling.” Her fingers twisted in front
of her on the table. “Gray, I was wrong. I know you didn’t take the money from
the Wayfield account.”

Something between a laugh and a cough expelled from
me. My instincts wouldn’t accept this, but I played along. “How…what changed?”

“Shit…” She glanced to the side then back to me and in
a whisper said, “You can’t tell anyone, but it was Jergens.”

“My God. Are you serious?”

“Dead. He wasn’t stealing, though. Only messing with a
bunch of accounts. Moving money around.”

“Why. That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I think he was trying to manipulate the clients.
Anyway, he’s out of here now. Gray…I’m so sorry.”

That was it, right there. Those final three words
implanted the realization in my brain. A wave of vindication and relief poured
over me.

“Say something. Do you hate me?”

“God, no. Jeez, I can’t blame you. Honestly, I really
don’t know what to say.”

“Call me names. Yell at me. I deserve it.” She put the
cup to her lips for a long, drawn-out drink. “But make it quick, babe, because
I’ve got to get to the office. We can talk later about logistics.”

“I don’t need to do any of that, Evyn. I know you care
about me. And you’re one of the few people who’s always been there for me. Can
I ask for a favor, though?”

“Anything. Well…what is it?”

“I want to continue with Dr. Harrison. I’ve got less
than two months left, and I’d like to see it through.”

“Oh, sweetie. Of course. So, you’re feeling good about
it? It’s helping?”

“It actually is. But I’d like more time to work some
things out. That might mean putting off coming back full-time.” I scrunched up
my face, pleading for understanding with my eyes.

Her pause left my pulse racing. I needed a job, but I
was no longer sure if that was the job for me. It was time I considered getting
out from under Evyn’s protective wings. Obviously, my job wasn’t my main
concern. I hoped Evyn wouldn’t press me about Daniel. The thought of leaving
him now made my heart clench. Yes, it was inevitable, but there was no way I’d
consider cutting my time with him short.

Evyn collected her bag and phone as she stood. “You
take all the time you need.” With a nod and a grin, she touched my shoulder.

“Thank you.”

“Call me.”

A few minutes later, I left the café and strolled to
my car, lighter on my feet. I was parked next to a meter in front of the post
office. Three minutes showed on the display when I stopped next to it to dig
out my keys from my purse. Some loose change mingled between my fingers. I
pulled out two quarters, intent on passing along my good fortune feeling. I fed
them into the slot, then turned on my heel, running directly into the side of a
cardboard box. Two large hands grasped each side. A pair of light eyes peered
over the top.

“Excuse me. I’m so sorry.”

“My fault,” I said, taking a step back. “I wasn’t
paying attention.”

“I should have been more careful with this.” He
shrugged. “Hey, I’ve seen you before. Have we met?”

“No,” I said without thinking.

He lowered the box, so I could see his face better.
“I’m sure I’ve seen you, but maybe we haven’t
met,
because I know I’d
have remembered that.” He smiled and readjusted the box. “I’m Justin.”

I pulled my keys out and glanced to the side. “I’m
actually just visiting from Ohio.” I jingled the keys in my hand as I held
them. “Here on business, and I’ve really got to run.” I sidestepped the box and
went around to the driver’s side door, catching from the corner of my eye his
body swivel in my direction. One last look before I got into the car showed a
confused Justin with his mouth open in an awkward half-smile.

My mood soured as I drove away, berating myself and
wondering why when things were finally starting to turn around for me, I still
fell into old habits.

* * *

That night I gathered up my nerve and called Daniel. We hadn’t spoken
on the phone since that first time he called to meet him in his office. He’d
always said I could call if I needed him. I assumed that meant an emergency,
but something inside me longed to hear his voice. I couldn’t wait until our next
session. As I dialed the number, I wondered if Daniel still felt an attraction
toward me. Had he convinced himself that my feelings were some sort of needy,
doctor/patient infatuation so he should deny anything that stirred within him? I
could admit most of my mental deficiencies, but what I felt for Daniel was not
one of them. It was just about the only piece of clarity I had, backed by a
firm foundation of evidence since the first day we met.

“Hello.”

“Hi, Daniel.”

“Gray…are you all right?”

His instant concern sent a warm current through my chest
and down to swirl around in my abdomen. “I’m fine. I just…I’m sorry if this
isn’t okay.”

“It is okay. Don’t worry about it.” The deep, smooth
tone of his voice, along with the intimate feel of his words delivered directly
into my ear, was intoxicating. “You need to talk, and I’m here.”

No, I needed him to talk. “Is this a bad time?”

“Not at all. I was watching the news. You’re giving me
an excuse to turn it off.”

I tried to visualize him in his home, what it looked
like, what he wore. “I stay away from the news. It’s too depressing.” I let out
a quiet, breathy laugh I’m not sure he heard.

“Is there something specific you wanted to talk
about?”

Silence filled the line with the reply that left me thwarted.
I was an obligation of his profession. When I didn’t answer right away, he
said, “What I meant was, did something happen to upset you?”

“In a way.”

“Gray.” His voice carried an urgency that filled me
with desire for more. A part of me was tempted to draw it out, seeking his
concern and attention. “Please, tell me you didn’t have another run-in with
that guy.”

“No…nothing as dramatic as that. Now that I think
about it, I shouldn’t have called.” If I told Daniel what happened, I’d have to
tell him the whole story, including that my original reason for seeing him was
now null and void. Still, was that really such a risk?

“I don’t believe that,” he said, cutting into my
thoughts. “And you don’t either. You felt compelled to talk…but there’s no
rush.”

I almost sensed a smile when he said that. “How’s
Jessie doing?” I climbed into my bed and under the covers, feeling more relaxed
both physically and with talking to Daniel.

He chuckled before answering, “She’s doing better. In
fact, she went back to school last week and was actually glad about it.”

“Wow, that’s great news. I’m happy for her. She’s such
a sweet girl.”

“Thank you. I think so, too.”

“Alyssa will be excited, too. I guess that means I owe
them that trip to the mall.”

“She’ll love that, Gray.”

Was it so pathetic how much hearing him say my name
affected me, especially lying in bed while listening to it? “I know…I’m taking
up your time with idle small talk.”

“Nothing about you is idle or small.”

“Hmm,” I said, scrambling for an appropriate response.
Once again, I had Daniel pressing the limits of his professional decorum with
me. And I wanted to push him further, but fear of what happened last time kept
me in check. “I guess I should get to the point.” I decided to fess up and tell
him the whole story of what played out with Evyn and the instinctive lie I told
the cardboard box guy, Justin.

After a quick rundown I said, “I don’t understand why
I did that after getting positive news from Evyn. There was no reason to lie.”

“Do you always have a reason?”

“I guess not. But…I thought I was getting better. I
am
getting better.”

“That might be true. Some progress can be made through
acknowledgement.” His statement hung in the air, thick and foreboding.

“But?”

“But…what’s going on with you is not some condition
you can treat and cure with some positive turn of events. The root of the
problem is still there, lying just beneath the surface. The lies…the
drinking…the relationship with Nathan…the visions…all stem from the same place.
A place you keep hidden, Gray, and won’t let me in to see. Until we explore
that part of your life, I don’t see you fully getting past this.”

I turned on my side, dragging a fistful of covers
under my chin. My gut ached with realization, with frustration, and with
sorrow. I couldn’t pick and choose how I let Daniel affect me. My vulnerability
didn’t have a remote that I could use to select the attraction and lust and
desire while avoiding honesty and pain. At some point, I would have to let him
in. Let him see the scars and the demons. I’d have to open that door that had
been sealed shut for so long I wasn’t sure how to open it. Otherwise, I’d be
forced to close myself off from him completely.

“Gray, are you still there?”

“I’m here, Daniel.”

“I’m not trying to push, but if you’d like to come see
me tomorrow, I can move some things around.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll be fine until we meet. Besides,
I’ve got a lot to consider.” It wasn’t a simple choice of sharing or not
sharing. Certain thoughts haven’t been permitted to enter my conscious mind for
years. There were brief appearances I quickly squelched with one diversion or
another, but to purposely access those memories and feelings was terrifying.

“That’s fine. I’ll look forward to hearing what you
come up with.”

“Me, too, Daniel. Goodnight.”