Compulsive (Liar #1) (19 page)

While I debated whether or not to go in and get her,
Alyssa turned and saw me in the window. A second later, she exited the room.
“I’m sorry, Gray. I had to see her. Just in case, you know?”

“I know. It’s okay.”

I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and squeezed.
“You’re brave and strong and a good friend.”

Rita walked up. We both pushed tighter into each other
and neither of us spoke.

“Did you see Daniel just now?” she asked.

“No, I didn’t.”

“I’m sorry. He left while you were gone. He said he had
to get some things from his office.”

“Oh…”

“You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, but
please don’t feel obligated.”

Rita sat and talked with us for a while. When she went
back into the room, we left. I was so physically tired and emotionally drained
there wasn’t much left to dwell on whether or not Daniel left because of me. I
kept my composure through the car ride and delivering Alyssa safely into her
apartment. In the privacy of my home, alone in my bed, I let the tears fall. Daniel
didn’t need or want my comfort, but that didn’t stop my heart from breaking for
him.

--------------------------

Nineteen hours after we left the hospital, Jessie’s father arrived by
her bedside. Less than two hours later, with her parents holding her hands and
her Uncle Daniel standing watch, she stirred from her coma. Without a chance to
call the doctor, her fragile heart stopped beating, and her sweet soul slipped
away, finally rid of the senseless pain that plagued her tiny body.

Rita called me, her brave voice relaying what had
happened and alerting me that the service details would be forthcoming. She asked
me to let Alyssa know. My mind went briefly to the task of crushing a young
girl and picking up the pieces.

I offered my condolences and assistance, ignoring my
urge to ask about Daniel. When we said our goodbyes, something told me not to
hang up.

“Gray?”

“Yes?”

“I’m worried about Daniel. I know it’s…strange for me
to ask, given the situation, but he’s so alone right now. You two seem like
you’re…close? Maybe friends?”

“I’d like to think so, Rita. I’m just not sure what
Daniel and I are, to be honest.”

“But, you care about him.”

She’d said it as a statement, not a question. “I do.”

“He’s always sort of kept to himself, and he doesn’t
really have anyone to turn to.”

Her voice calmed as we talked about Daniel. I hoped
that in some way this helped her cope.

“I understand, and I’ll try to help. I don’t know if
he’ll let me.” The painful silence on the line prompted me to fill it. “But,
I’ll do whatever I can.”

“Thank you, Gray.” The quiver in her voice had
returned.

I would have promised her anything. Helping Daniel was
what I wanted more than anything. The odds of a role reversal were less than
likely. I questioned whether I was capable of helping someone through a tragedy
like this when I’d spent my whole life avoiding facing my own tragedies.

I placed some calls, trying to track down Daniel. Leaving
messages proved more challenging than I thought. I left two, keeping them short
and asking him to call me back. I’d hoped if he thought I needed him he’d
return the call.

The next day, after not a word from Daniel and
receiving a text from Rita about the services, I responded to her that I hadn’t
been able to reach him. She texted back that she appreciated my efforts, and
that Daniel had been working from home, rescheduling all his appointments.
Considering I held one of those upcoming appointments and hadn’t heard a word
from him, I had no idea what to make of that.

The day turned to night—a lonely one that left me with
an itch too self-destructive to scratch. Alyssa had stayed home from school and
spent part of the day in her pajamas on my couch. Her mother finally dragged
her back to do make-up work. Her absence, along with Daniel’s silence, left a
deep gap in my chest, but I wasn’t about to sit around doing nothing either.

I arrived on his doorstep with a take-out bag in my
hand and determination on my mind. The door opened. On display, the beautiful,
strong man I’d come to know, hid behind wretched eyes and a broken will.

“Gray?” His mouth went into a hard straight line when
he paused. “What are you doing here?”

I wouldn’t let him push me into second-guessing my
actions. I smiled and held up the bag. “Hungry?”

“You came all the way up here at eight o’clock at
night to bring me food?”

“Yep. It’s your favorite. From that Thai place you’ve
talked about.”

A breath came, out along with a smile, as his gaze
swept around the area. “I guess I can’t send you back now.” He opened the door
wider. “Come in.”

He took the bag as I entered. Granger trotted over,
led by his industrious nose. “No, this isn’t for you, boy.” He set it onto the
counter and directed Granger to sit in his bed.

I wandered toward the living area, removing my coat as
I went. Soft music floated down from ceiling speakers. The mantel pictures I
hadn’t noticed last time caught my eye. People I didn’t recognize in some, a
toddler who had to have been Jessie based on the eyes.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

Without turning back to him, I said, “Well, you’ve had
a nice head start, so I’ve got some catching up to do.”

“I meant coffee, but how did you know?”

“Not only is it written on your face, but also my
radar spotted that bottle of whiskey the instant I stepped through the door.”

Silence filled the space behind me, so I turned from
the mantel. His hands were on his hips, and his head hung low. “Maybe it wasn’t
a good idea for you to come.”

“Why is that? Because I might see the good doctor as
human? Possibly even…flawed?”

“Gray, you don’t understand what kind of position
you’ve put me in. How can I have your trust and respect and confidence if I
can’t handle myself in your presence?” He took his focus from me, looking over
at his four-legged companion.

“Just because you know and teach all the
right
things to do, doesn’t mean you are able to do them yourself all the time.” I
took a couple of steps in his direction. “It’s why doctors become addicted to
prescription drugs, and priests and politicians are involved in sex scandals.”
I stopped in front of him, well aware he was avoiding eye contact. I turned his
chin to me, his lids remained low. “We’re all human. We all love and hurt and
rise and fall.” I waited for his eyes to turn up to me. “And we all need
someone to—”

“No,” he said, pulling back. “I don’t…”

“You don’t need someone? Or, you don’t need me?”

He backed away farther, shaking his head before
turning around.

“You don’t have to say anything,” I said, following
him. “The answer is the same, and we both know what it is.”

The brick wall that was his frame remained still. I
approached his back, reached up to his shoulder, and caressed gently.
“Daniel…I’m so sorry about Jessie.” I rested my forehead against his back,
summoning the pain to transfer from him to me. “I came here because I know what
that pain feels like. I know how sad and angry you feel. And I know how alone
you must be feeling right now.”

“It hurts like hell.” His voice cried out in a strained
whisper, like it lacked the air behind it.

“I know.”

“And seeing you, being around you…I can’t explain it.
Everything seems to press up on me and feel that much more…I don’t know.”

“That much more…intense?”

His hand reached around to take hold of mine. He
removed it from his shoulder and turned to face me, holding it tightly in his
grasp. “Yes, Gray. Everything is more intense when I’m around you.”

“I’m not here to make you feel more pain. I’m here to
help you let it out…to share it with you.”

“God, if only…” His pleading eyes took mine then. “It’s
a dangerous line to walk, and if we continue on this path…”

“What? The world will come to an end? I don’t
understand, Daniel.”

He gave me silence and a hard stare.

“Fine. Tell me right now that you want nothing from
me.”

His head turned to the side, and I adjusted myself to
remain his center of attention. “Tell me… and I’ll walk out the door.”

He took a deep breath and sighed it out. “You have no
idea how difficult it’s been for me to want to help you and keep things
professional.” Frantic hands gripped my shoulders when I stepped into his
confession. “To worry about whether my judgment has been affected and fight
what I’ve felt since the first moment I saw you.”

“I do know, Daniel. I’ve had my own battles to fight,
but I’ve known from the beginning that there was something between us. It’s why
I pushed for you, and it’s why you ultimately agreed.”

“No.” His head attempted to shake the truth away. “No.
What kind of man would that make me?”

“You’re a good man, Daniel. The best man I know.” His
state of mind concerned me. I regretted going down this road when what I really
wanted was to help him cope with losing Jessie. “And you were an incredible
uncle and role model to Jessie. I’m sorry for pushing you. I’m sorry I came
here and made you face things you weren’t prepared to face in the midst of all
that you are going through.” I put my arms around his neck and pulled him to
me. “Please…please, let me take care of you, Daniel, and we’ll worry about the
rest later.”

His arms slipped around my waist as his head landed in
the crook of my neck. Within seconds, his body shook against mine, his jagged breaths
blew into my hair. I stroked the back of his head when his hold on me
tightened. “I promised myself I’d always be there for her.”

“You were, Daniel,” I whispered. “You were everything
to her.”

I’d have held him like that all night if he needed it,
but a few minutes later, his breathing evened out and he let go of me. We moved
to the couch, the very spot I’d shared with Daniel about losing Noah. He showed
me pictures of Jessie and told me stories about her. Hours later, we were still
on the sofa, the food forgotten, relaxed into the corner, me leaning into him
with my head on his chest. “Thank you,” he whispered as his fingers brushed
down strands of my hair. “For being here…and caring about me.

“I’d do anything for you, Daniel. I hope you know
that. And I want you to know everything about me.”

“I know more than you think.”

“What do you mean?”

His hand went from my hair to my arm. “I just…see you.
We’ve talked for hours, you’ve told me things admittedly, I’ve drawn other
things out. Even beyond all that, I see you, Gray. Who you are deep down.”

I smiled, but didn’t speak, reeling from the jump-start
he’d given my heart.

“Gray?”

“Yeah?”

“What are you thinking?”

I swallowed and took in enough air to give me courage.
“I saw the sketches, Daniel.”

--------------------------

“What?”

As nervous as that one word made me feel, I didn’t
regret telling him the truth. “I’m sorry. I saw the sketches the last time I
was here, when I was in your office.”

The hand that had been delivering tantalizing caresses
to my skin froze in place. “I don’t know what to say. I mean, beyond the
obvious invasion of privacy.” His tone sounded more perplexed than angry.

“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to
know that I saw them.”

“Should I apologize? I’ve never done that with a
patient before if that’s what you’re wondering. And I wasn’t lying to you when
you questioned me about what I was doing.” He sat up taller and turned my
shoulders, so he could look at me. “Writing notes about you became…insufficient
somehow, and one day I looked at you, and something in me took over. I found
myself sketching instead of writing. It was still my way of learning who you
are. But…it was also my way of getting close to you the only way I could.” He
looked away before saying, “What you must think of me.”

I reached up and smoothed my hand against his cheek,
enjoying the rugged edge of his five o’clock shadow and drawing his attention
back to me. “What I think of you, is that how you see me is absolutely beautiful.
Those sketches are beautiful. They make me feel…the way I feel when you look
into my eyes…the way you are right now.”

Those midnight blue irises along with the way his
chest rose and fell mesmerized me. “Everything about you is beautiful, Gray.”
The frantic pounding of my heart had to be apparent to him. His head dipped
forward, catching my mouth as my breath hitched. His lips pressed into mine,
carrying every emotion on their surface that I felt running through me for
months. The first moments of that kiss satisfied a deep and longing hunger, but
awakened a sleeping giant of need. I parted my lips with a tiny gasp, calling
for his tongue, which came with equal eagerness. His mouth tasted of warm sweet
bourbon. I clawed my way up higher on his chest, coveting to be closer to him as
our mouths met again and again.

The blissful intoxication of merely kissing came to a
screeching halt when Daniel nudged me back and scooted out from under me. He
stood, placing one hand on his hip and running the other along the back of his
neck, staring down on me. He waited until his labored breathing subsided. “Christ,
Gray. What are we doing? What am
I
doing?”

I righted myself and scooted to the edge of the couch,
resisting the urge to release a snide reply. “We’re doing what we’ve both
wanted.”

He turned to pace, but stopped short and pivoted back
to me. “And that makes it okay? Dammit! How can I ever be okay with this? How
can I ever be sure…” His bellow lost its power when he saw the hurt in my eyes.
I stood in front of him, and his hands went immediately up my neck and to my
cheeks. “I’m not saying that to hurt you, Gray. If I didn’t care for you, this
wouldn’t be so fucking impossible.”

“Impossible?” I said softly. “You said you knew me…” I
grabbed hold of one of his hands. “…and that means you know that this…” I
placed his palm over my heart. “…is because of you. Don’t you understand that
my heart feels dead when I’m not around you? And the second I get near you,
this is what happens.” The harsh beating under our hands would either be my
savior, or it could end up being my undoing. “That’s all that matters.” Never
taking my eyes from Daniel’s, I slid his hand from my heart down through my
blouse and over my breast. My lids fell, and my pulse raced when his hand
reacted and closed around me. Daniel let out a low, breathy moan. His other
hand pulled my shirt open more, and he leaned in to kiss my collarbone above
his hand. His lips slid from there up to my neck. When his arm slipped around
my waist, I arched my back as he pulled me closer.

“Gray…please. I need you so much right now, but you
have to tell me again that this is right. I don’t trust myself.” I cradled his
head as he lowered it and spoke softly into my neck. “I’ve denied myself of
this all-consuming attraction and need for so long, that I can’t see clearly
now.” Before I could answer, he took one of my legs and draped it around his
hip. His lips touched their way up my neck to behind my ear, setting a fire to
burn through my system, heading south. His hand went under my other thigh, and I
raised my leg as he lifted me.

“This
is
right, Daniel,” I said as I wrapped my
legs around his waist. “We’ve both known it, and now, we are making it real.”
Then, I took control of his mouth and convinced him further.

He walked with ease carrying me, my body wrapped
around his frame. The light faded as we entered another room. Immediately, my
back pressed against the wall, Daniel’s hips grinding into me as we stayed
connected in a penetrating kiss. Electricity strummed through my veins creating
a sense of urgency. We whirled from the wall and landed on the soft covering of
his bed. The sheer intoxication created from the weight of Daniel’s body
pressing me into the bed lasted only a short time. He lifted himself, standing
over me to remove his shirt. I sat up and ran my hands up his chest to confirm
the exquisite reality before me. When I’d slept with Nathan, I always felt like
I was running from something, but now, here with Daniel, it was like I was
running
to
something.

He knelt down in front of me, his face inches from
mine, his eyes seeking one last confirmation before his lips brushed mine in a
slow teasing dance. The buttons of my shirt opened one by one. My legs separated
to allow him in closer. My breath caught when the clasp of my bra freed and
slipped off. A moan escaped me when warm hands and lips trailed my naked torso.
“Gray…you’re so beautiful…I thought I would only dream of you like this,” he
whispered. A building ache drove my movements. My hands reached to unbuckle
Daniel’s belt. Heat seeped from his skin as I slid my palms around the back of
his waist and guided his pants lower.

“I never wanted anything more,” I said breathlessly.

With every piece of material discarded and out of our
way, Daniel glided his firm frame over my beckoning form. The powerful and
surreal skin on skin connection so overwhelmed me that my head felt high, drunk
on the emotion of finally being with this man I’d craved for so long. Our
bodies worked together in a slow erotic dance that seared us into one being and
opened my eyes to the amazing reality of connecting so deeply with another
person.

A soft sigh poured from me as I registered the loss of
Daniel pulling back. He leaned on one elbow and his gaze traveled slowly,
dilated and dark, down my body and back to my face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I spent so much time looking at you, examining you,
memorizing and drawing every inch of your face…” A finger traced the line of my
lips. “…but looking at you now, like this…you’re so amazing.” His head lowered
to my breast, his mouth delivering hot breathy kisses as his hand slipped under
me, pressing me up into his hard length. I grabbed the back of his head, and I
arched up, led by a thrumming ache that called for relief.

“You’re the one who’s amazing, Daniel. I’ve known it
from the very start.”

A strong hand squeezed and then stroked my inner thigh
before guiding it outward. “I can’t wait another minute to have you, Gray.”

The heady tone of his voice, feeling him rigid and
throbbing against me, intensified my own unwavering lust. “God, yes, Daniel.
Please…”

The short time it took for him to affix a condom was
agonizingly long. When he returned to me, my head tilted back, and my lids fell
closed. He executed a slow gentle push halfway inside me. The stretch was
exquisite, the movement welcome and divine. He pulled out, back in farther and
out again. “Gray?” he said through a breath. I opened my eyes to a grin forming
above me. “Yes, that’s better,” he said. And then he moved back inside me,
pressing as far as he could.

Moans of pleasure dissolved in my gasps with his constant
yet slow rhythm. He captured my mouth in a kiss, tender at first, and then
hungry. I wrapped my legs around him, urging him to take me faster, harder. He
immediately responded with an increased intensity, every second climbing me
closer to my peak. “Ah! Christ, Gray.” Daniel reared his head back as he drove
in with a thundering force. And again and again until he released a satisfied
growl and tucked his head into me, his pants filling my ear with hot breath and
sending my world spiraling. I gripped his shoulders as my own release kicked in
and rocked me to my core before I cried out. I groaned a version of his name as
he continued moving, ensuring he took me all the way.

Stillness enveloped our bodies then as we breathed
into each other. The first to make any movement, I ran my hand up and down the
sheen on his slick back. I had no idea what Daniel was thinking, but a tendril
of anxiety crept into my afterglow. We both stayed quiet, even when he rolled
to his back, taking me along to nestle against his side with my head on his
shoulder. The unbroken silence continued to linger above us, like a captor, neither
of us daring to speak. Not a single regret traversed my mind, but I feared
Daniel didn’t possess the same security and the longer he waited to speak, the
more that fear strengthened. As if reading my mind, Daniel’s arm drew me in
closer. He pressed his lips to the top of my head. Then, he ran his thumb along
my bare back. The smooth, feathery trail lulled me into a dreamlike state where
Daniel and I were the only ones who existed. I let my lids fall closed, hoping
to delve deeper into the essence of that world. But, reality had a way of
making its presence known. My selfishness gave way to thoughts of Daniel’s loss.
God…what if I’ve made things worse for him
? Wetness formed at the corner
of my eye and trickled down my hairline. I didn’t know how I’d be able to
handle causing him more pain. As hard as I fought to be with him, suddenly I
wasn’t good enough.

“Gray?” Daniel whispered.

I let his words hang in the air. Something in his tone
told me it wasn’t the man who’d just made love to me, but the ever-present Dr.
Harrison seeking the status of my current mental state.

“Are you all right?” he said a bit louder this time.

I took the hand that rested against his stomach and
interlaced our fingers. We were in this together whether he’d realized it or
not. “I’m fine.”