Confessions Of A Vampire (16 page)

I ran a hand through my hair and sighed deeply. The human's words had affected me more than I cared to let on. I'd said all the right things, but he couldn't have known that deep in my heart, I'd asked myself the same things over and over.

I felt like a doormat when it came to Severus some days. And for the life of me, I couldn't just let go. It ate at me. The way he would just show back up, sometimes months later and act as if he'd been there all along
drove me to madness but at the same time I wanted to be with him so badly that I overlooked everything else
. I worried that the day would come when Malachi would give up
on him
. Worse yet, I worried that I would do the same.

I'm not the type of woman who lets men walk all over her. And yet, I sat here waiting on a man that never considered my feelings.

I wish I believed that. I wish I could believe that Severus never thought of me. It would make things so much easier if he didn't love me. But one moment in his arms was enough for me. The way he looked at me gave me hope, hope that he'd stay this time.
In those times when we were apart, that’s what I clung to, that hope.

I went to bed in tears that night, wondering if he'd ever choose me over everything else. Our bed had never seemed lonelier than it did that night.

Chapter Ninetee
n

I woke the next afternoon, still alone and in no mood for company. When the bell rang I grumbled and pulled the blankets over my head. Growling at Maria when she informed me that the young reporter was here, I told her to tell him I'd be down shortly.

I didn't bother to dress, choosing instead to pull a robe on over Sev's shirt. I padded barefoot down the hall to spend a few moments with my daughters before they departed for a play date at Malachi's. After a lot of hugs and kisses, the girls were ushered out by the nanny and I took my time going downstairs.

I didn't want to relive anything that day, but I couldn't just bail on Aaron. I was sure he could tell I wasn't in the greatest of moods but he politely smiled and waited for me to speak. An hour passed in silence and my mood was rapidly getting worse. I fidgeted and absentmindedly played with the hem of my robe, waiting for him to ask me something. I wasn't going to vol
unteer a single story that afternoon
and it wasn't long before Aaron finally spoke up.

“Mrs. Severus, it seems you're not in the best of moods. Are you okay? Did something happen?”

“I'm fine.” It was all I could manage and all I was about to give him.

“I'm not sure I believe you, but okay. Is there anything you want to talk about today? Maybe a happy memory?”

Blinking back tears, I shook my head. But I couldn
't resist a happy memory of him
b
ecause every happy memory
that
I have involves him. Resting my head on the back of the chair, I closed my eyes and took
us both back to a time when Severus and I had
been happy together.

Severus had been back only a few short weeks when the idea crossed my mind. I wasn't entirely sure he'd agree to it so I decided to make it a surprise.

We'd been spending most of our time at the beach. I'd come to love being in the sun now that I could. Our days were spent swimming and making love. On occasion he'd give into my silliness and we'd build sandcastles. Our laughter carried on the ocean breeze and we were so happy then.

The nights found us dining under the stars. We'd walk for hours along the ocean's edge and spend the night wrapped up in each other. We'd reconnected in a way we'd not thought possible. I loved him more with every breath he took.

These were the moments when I felt alive. He focused only on me and nothing else seemed to matter then. Severus and I were in love and we were together. All was right with the world.

On a night filled with the sounds of crickets and a sky bursting with stars, I dressed in a pale champagne colored dress and reminded him that he needed to wear the suit I'd laid out. I applied my lipstick and watched him in the mirror. He was sure that I was up to something but he hadn't asked.

Standing
,
he offered me his hand and I placed mine in it, flashing him a beautiful smile. He pressed a kiss to my forehead and asked where we were headed. With a soft laugh I led him towards the patio doors, opening them to allow him to see the candles lighting the way to the beach.

“
Babe, what's going on?”

“
We're renewing our vows, my love.”

His eyes widened and a bright smile filled his face as he led the way down to the spot I'd selected overlooking the cliffs. Bending down he pulled a daisy out from the arrangements that surrounded us and tucked it into my hair. Kissing my cheek, he took my hands in his and smiled down at me.

I hadn't been this nervous
ever
,
not
even at our first wedding. I couldn't explain it but this felt like the first time and I was fighting back tears as he spoke
his vows
softly
, gazing deep into my eyes
.

“
We've been through so much to get to this point and even if it's just the tip of the iceberg, I want you to know that I'm here. I'm by your side for eternity as your husband, your lover, and your friend. I've never loved another woman in my entire existence. Before you, I believed I was incapable of loving anyone. You taught me how to love, Sunshine. And love you, I do. I love you to the depths of the ocean and the heights of the stars. I promise my faithfulness and my protection. In sickness, health, Heaven or Hell. I love you.”

I took a ragged breath, my tears falling freely down my face as my voice shook with emotion.

“
You are my soul mate. I have loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you. Even behind a mask you stole my heart. Together we can face anything this world throws at us. I am only me when I'm at your side. I draw my strength from you. In your arms I find peace, in your breath, I find life, in your heart, I find mine. I love you beyond all others and I promise you my faithfulness and loyalty beyond true death. Yesterday, today and tomorrow, I love you.”

I knew he could feel my hands shaking and he pulled me close, his arms wrapping around me. Our lips met in a tender kiss, the back of his hand brushing against my cheek sending shivers down my spine. This man that stood before me was mine and he made me happy. Nothing could take that away. I loved him, perhaps too much, maybe not enough, but I loved him with all that I had and I always would.

We made love that night, right there under the stars where we'd proclaimed our love for one another. It was more than the joining of two
beings;
it was the joining of our souls. Even though our first wedding had been beautiful, nothing compared to this moment in time. A moment that only the two of us shared. Our bond was renewed and we committed to a life together, not just for a few years, but for an eternity. As he caressed my body and brought me to heights I could only reach with him, I knew that no matter how hard it got, we'd find a
way to make this work.

I didn't want to leave the memory. In fact, I wanted that moment back because in it was the happiness that escaped me now. Leaning over, I rested my elbows on my knees and placed my head in my hands and sobbed.

I don't know when Aaron put his arm around me or even why he did it, but I welcomed it. My entire body shook with the sobs. Once I'd started I was afraid I'd never stop. I wanted my husband. Not the one that left me alone for months on end, but the one that took me into his arms and made me feel as if I were the only girl in the world.
I wanted the man that couldn’t get enough of me.

I craved the taste of his kisses. I ached for the feel of his breath on my neck as we slept. I yearned for stolen moments with him. I hungered for his touch. Nothing in the world made since without him here and I couldn't control the fear that swelled each time he left. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew there would come a time when he simply wouldn't return and I was terrified that that time would come sooner than I wanted.

Our session was put on hold while the young man comforted me. I wish I co
uld tell you that
I found some solace
with the human
, but it was useless. I never found comfort in anyone or anything but my demon.

I struggled to pull myself out of this emotional craziness that had overcome me and rushed into another memory. One that would give me reason for my tears and grief.

Chapter Twenty

Malachi and Izzy hadn't been married for long when she learned she was expecting. They were overjoyed and I was beaming. Of course I hated the idea of being someone's grandmother but I'd find another word for what I was to them before they could speak. Besides, I was forever twenty-five and Izzy joked that I'd be the hottest granny on the playground.

Of course she was right but that's beside the point. As her pregnancy progressed concern was raised when it was found that she was sick. Not sick as in morning sickness
,
but my beautiful daughter
-
in
-
law had a rare form of cancer that had been accelerated by her pregnancy. They were advised to terminate the pregnancy but Izzy refused. She was willing to risk her life for her babies and I admired her for that decision.
She was a strong woman and she’d have done anything for those babies. Malachi argued that they could have other children, but she was adamant that she carry them to term. I could feel my son’s fear that he’d lose the most important person in his life and I worried for them both.

As each month passed without the treatment that could save her life, Izzy grew weaker. The once vibrant and beautiful young woman was drawn and rarely smiled. All of her energy was used to make sure her twin boys were healthy and safe. Malachi never left his wife's side. He neglected his training and duties in Hell but I stood my ground with Lucifer that he needed to let them be right now.
After much convincing
,
Luci gave in and left them alone.

As the birth of the boys grew closer, we were all on edge. The doctors had all advised us to expect the worst and Izzy had demanded that no matter what happened they were to save her children. With the due date on the horizon, I pulled my son aside while his wife slept.

“
Mal, think positive. We have the best doctors in any realm and they will do everything they can.”

“
I can't lose her
,
Momma. I'm not strong enough to carry on without Izzy.”

His tears shone bright in his blue eyes and I pulled him into a tight hug.
Stroking
his hair
I
tried to offer all of my support but I knew that if she didn't survive, it could destroy him.

“
Honey, Izzy wouldn't want you to worry. She's done all of this for your children and we have to respect that. We have to trust that the doctors will do everything they can for all three of them.”

We were interrupted by a soft whimper coming from the bedroom and we raced to her side. The time had come and Malachi snapped us all to the hospital in Rome. He remained by her
side throughout the delivery while
I paced the waiting room.

Sixteen hours
of intense worry
later, my grandsons were born. Malachi left the delivery room to let Izzy's parents and I know that the babies were being taken to the NICU. With blood tears streaming down his cheek my son collapsed onto that sterile hospital room floor and dread flooded me. As his shoulders slumped and shook I sank to my knees and held him, rocking him back and forth. Izzy's mother's cries filled the halls and her husband cried quietly in the corner of the room.
His pain was overwhelming but I pushed my own grief aside to be his mother and offer him the support he needed. I would have given anything to have Severus there to help console his son but once again, he wasn’t there when we needed him.

Forty-five minutes passed before Malachi rose to his feet, finding the strength to go back to say goodbye to the woman who had always held his heart. I held his hand as we walked into that room
, my own tears clouding my vision
.