Conflicted (16 page)

Tears slowly slid down her face and I knew that was it.
I had just sealed my fate. As I stood up to leave, she wouldn’t let go of my hand.

“I’m sorry, Britt. I’m so fucking sorry
.”

Suffocated. That’s how I felt. Like someone had t
heir hands wrapped around my throat, squeezing so hard that I couldn’t breathe. I knew the right thing to do was to give Britt up, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. Call me selfish. Call me an asshole. I already know I’m both of those things, but I was so sick and tired of fighting everything good in my life. The fact that she wasn’t letting go gave me a small glimpse of hope that I was holding onto with my life.

“Don’t leave,” s
he pleaded. “We’ll figure it out, I swear. I don’t know how, but we will. If we need to move here so you can be a bigger part of his life, then that’s what we’ll do, but you’re not leaving me behind. I had five long days to think about everything and I think we owe it to ourselves to see where this is going.”

She didn’t need to
say anything else. I scooped her up and placed her in the middle of the bed, climbing between her legs and kissing the fuck out of her. She always tasted like Heaven. A sweet little temptress.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

JUSTIFY THIS LOVE

A carb filled feast was a must after playing a show, but since we rushed right here I didn’t have time to eat. As much as I wanted to do nothing but devour Britt, my stomach had other ideas. Judging by the growling sound coming from next to me, so did hers. I can’t ever remember a time that I’ve been as hard as I was at that very moment. My dick felt like it was going to explode. There was no getting up to order food without her noticing the bulge in my pants. Nope, not one fucking way. She bit down on her lower lip with lust-filled eyes, which didn’t help my situation.

“We have to eat. I’m not going anywhere, exc
ept maybe to take a cold shower,” I joked as I grabbed the phone from the nightstand and pressed the number for room service. I ordered us chicken fingers, fries, and ice cream. As I was verifying the order, her small slender hand lowered the zipper to my jeans, springing me free. Before I knew what happened, the tip of my cock was in her mouth.

“Fuck!” I yelled.

“Excuse me,” the woman on the other end of the phone asked.

Trying my best to think of a believable excuse,
I mumbled, “sorry, I stubbed my toe. Hate when that happens.”

I quickly put the handset down and looked at my gorgeous girl bobbing up and down
, swirling her tongue around from crown to base. Fuck, she had a talented mouth. Perfect pink, pouty lips wrapped around me made it the ultimate visual. Her framed, sexy eyes were scorching me. I wanted to pull her off, but there wasn’t any restraint known to man that could put a stop to this.

“Fucking-A, Britt! Your fucking mouth is perfect! Oh fucking hell, baby,”
I groaned as she picked up her pace, swirling, lapping, and bobbing until I was hitting the back of her throat, when she somehow seemed to take even more. When I came, it was fast and hard. She looked up at me like a satisfied sexy librarian and I needed to taste her, to bury my face between her legs.

Placing an arm behind her, I turned the tables and had her spread eagle on her back in a matter of seconds. She tried to close
her legs, but I was faster.

“I’m going to bury myself in here all night long. I hope you know that. Think of this as an appetizer, baby,” I said as I tore her panties to shreds.

Using my tongue, I licked one long swipe right up her already hot core until I reached her clit. Drawing circles with my tongue, I used one hand and slid a finger inside while continuing to work my oral magic. She tasted incredible, better than I could have ever imagined. Knowing I didn’t have long before room service came knocking, I stepped up my game. Every little moan she let out was driving me mad and I wanted inside her more than I wanted my next breath, but it would have to wait. We’d managed to wait this long; there was no reason we couldn’t wait another hour.

I could feel her muscles clenching down on my finger
; yes, singular. I wanted to own that shit, not let my hand do it. I knew she was almost there. When it happened, it was the one of the sexiest things I’d ever fucking seen. Her lips parted, her breathing quickened, her back arched, and she moaned like a fucking porn star while grabbing fistfuls of my hair and holding me there as I did light flicks with my tongue.

“You’re a fucking
god!” she exclaimed.

Pulling her dress down, I tucked her into my side. My mind
reflected on what happened in the past 24 hours. It took everything in me to climb out of bed, away from my little piece of Heaven, when I heard the knock on the door.

I was going to need my energy for what I had planned for tonight. I shoved a fifty at the cart boy and closed the door in his face. It was rude of me, but I was past the point of caring. I wheeled the cart into the bedroom and turned on the TV. I wasn’t
really surprised that the menu showed
True Blood
. She grabbed the remote with a smirk and started up a new episode.

“Thanks to you, I’m almost caught up,” she giggled. It was my second favorite sound.

Shaking my head, I pulled off the metal lids and placed one of the plates down in front of her before doing the same for my food. The giant sundae sat hidden in a bath of ice and Fucking-A, did I have ideas for that. We ate in comfortable, content silence with her snug at my side and one of my arms wrapped securely around her.

“You’re my comfort in this fucked up world,” I declared, kissing the side of her head. “I knew the moment I saw you that you were something
exceptional. I always thought we were supposed to meet people for a reason. Not always good ones, but they’re supposed to be in our lives for a reason, one way or another. You’re reason is to bring me comfort.” She let out a small laugh. “Whatever. I know I sound like a total pussy right now, but hell if I give a fuck. I’ll go up on the roof of this hotel right now and tell the fucking world if that’s what you want.”

“That’s okay
. I just want you and you’re not getting out of this bed, mister.”

Grinning, I turned my attention to getting that hot little dress off so I could
get underway with what would most likely become my new favorite pastime: snack whore sex. It would consist of dressing her up in delicious treats only to devour her.

Yep
, sounds like Heaven to me.

Exactly one
True Blood
episode later…

By the time the show ended, our ice cream was nothing more than cold soup, which was perfect for what I had planned. Crawling out from next to her, I made my way to the rolling cart and took the bowl out of the ice
, placing it onto the nightstand. Dipping my finger into the cold chocolate ice cream, winking at Britt, I put it to my mouth and sucked it off. I noticed a slight shiver of her body and I was beyond ready to bury myself in her.

“Britt, I want you to know that we don’t have to do this. We can slow down
. I mean, I understand if that’s what you want.”

Please don’t say
yes…
I mentally begged.

“If you back out on me now, I’m going to combust. Second chances, remember?”

“Hell yeah, I do.” Before she had time to change her mind, I had her naked and splayed across the bed. Making quick work of my clothes, we were finally skin-to-skin.

I wanted to build anticipation. I wanted our first time to mean something because Britt was not just some other fuck. She was not a groupie or a one-night stand.

Taking a spoonful of the cold liquid, I drizzled it over her warm, creamy flesh, licking a line straight up to her dusty pink nipple and sucking hard. She bucked her hips and I could tell she liked it by the low moan she let out. Her hair was mussed and her lips were still slightly swollen from earlier. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why the fuck I ever thought she was just cute. She was smokin’ hot and had a body that I wanted to worship. Her tits were a perfect handful. Her ass was round and pert. Her waist was slim with the slightest feminine curves.

I felt like one lucky motherfucker.

Grabbing fistfuls of my hair, she pulled me to her mouth, diving her tongue into mine and moving me so I was on my back. Opening up the end table drawer, she produced a bottle of chocolate syrup. I raised an eyebrow in question, but she was too busy using it to draw a treasure map down my chest to notice. I wasn’t about to interrupt the final destination. “Lady-killer” was standing proud as she started her way down from my neck, slowly following her path. By the time she reached the tip, her ass was in my face and I couldn’t help but prop up on my elbows and do a little snacking of my own.

Britt slowly took my length into her mouth as she ground into my mouth. I swirled my tongue around her sensitive clit, enjoying sensory overload.
Fucking-A, I was going to have to put a stop to this soon before I embarrassed myself like a sixteen-year-old. It was going to take a lot of self-restraint on my part not to blow right away. I wanted to make her come, but I wanted to feel it this time.

“Britt,” I said
, pulling her up gently. “I need to be inside you, like now. But we haven’t actually had the talk. I got tested again right after Joss bailed and I’m clean. Are you on the Pill or anything in case Plan A fails?”

“I’ve been on the
Pill for years for medical reasons. I started the shot about a year ago and make sure I always get it on time. I don’t have a long history of boyfriends, and I haven’t had sex in over a year and a half.”

I felt like an asshole for
having this conversation, especially right before our first time, but I did not need another oops. She hesitated for a moment before giving me a shy smile and nodding yes. Grabbing a condom from my wallet, I effortlessly rolled it on.

“I can’t wait
to fucking feel you, baby,” I groaned, gazing over her.

Turning her onto her back, I situated myself between her legs. Lining myself up with her slick entrance, I glided the head along her slit
, getting it ready for entry. I positioned myself, taking both of her hands in mine and looking in her eyes for any indication that I should pull back. I didn’t find any. Pushing forward slightly, I took my time since she was so tight.

Ebbing my way forward until I was all the way in, she fit around me like a velvet glove.
I could have come as soon as I hit her wall, but I made the decision that I was going to make this last as long as possible even if it killed me. Pulling out, I started a slow rhythm, giving her a chance to get acclimated to my size before picking up my pace. Leaning forward, I kissed every square inch of her face before ending at her lips.

With our hands interlocked above her head, I continued thrusting while she clenched down around me. Fuck, I was going to lose it.

“Britt, I need you to come for me, okay?” I pleaded.

“Fuck me,
hard,” she rasped.

Of course
she had to say the one thing that was going to make me blow. Holding onto the last of my restraint, I drove into her like a mad man. As I thrust into her, she ground into me, making a sweet harmony. Before long, her back was arching and her nails dug into my back.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God
,” she moaned.

“Let it out, baby. Let me have it. You feel so fucking
good, Britt. I’m gonna come, okay?”

I spent a half second debating whether I should pull out
even though I was wearing a rubber, but I wanted to mark my territory. With one final ram forward, I exploded, spilling.

We were both sticky from the sweets as I laid my forehead to hers, breathing heavy.
I felt like I had just run a thirty-mile marathon through the desert. It was satisfying and intense, but something felt amiss.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

PRISON BREAK

When I woke up the next morning, Britt was still tucked in close at my side. The feeling of content
ion overwhelmed me. I had a terrible habit of never letting people get too close to me for fear of getting hurt or leaving, but for some reason I didn’t have that with her. Considering everything that we’d been through over the last few weeks, being here felt crazy.

The night before had been
great; I just wished I could figure out what felt off between us. Maybe it was just first time jitters, though I’d never had them before.

Looking at her peaceful face with just the soft glow of sunlight coming through the heavy curtain,
I felt my heart swell a little. The feeling was foreign, unfamiliar and slightly unsettling. I knew that I couldn’t do a complete one-eighty overnight and change how I’d been living for the past 10 years. I was going to give it my best shot though and I’d be damned if I let any more of my fuck ups ruin what we had going on.

Looking at the alarm clock, I saw it was time to get up and get ready to head to the prison. I was seriously dreading this meeting with my dad. Everyone insisted that I needed closure, but they ha
d no idea what I went through for the years after I’d lost my mom and Kyle. Not a fuckin’ one!

Nudging Britt slightly,
I woke her and she reached her hand around, swatting at me playfully.

Pulling a pillow over her face, she sighed
, “Leave me alone, I’m tired.”

“Hey, we need to get ready. Our scheduled meeting is at eleven
and it’s already almost nine. If it makes you feel better, I don’t want to go either.”

Grumbling something incoherent, she rolled over and headed to the bathroom with her perfect ass swaying the entire way. Fucking-A, I was going to have to
take a cold shower this morning because I didn’t have time to devour her like I wanted.

When we got back
on the other hand…

BRITTANY

I had just finished drying my hair when Derek walked out of the shower. My heart sank seeing the pain hiding behind his eyes. I wanted to say something, but knowing how he was, I gave him a little space. He’d talk when he was ready, most likely with his body, which I was more than fine with. I didn’t have too much experience in that department, but damn, the things that boy could do with his tongue and body made me want to scream. I could practically orgasm just from thinking about it…

“Hey, babe. You all set?”
he asked, playfully trying to mask his pain.

“Yep. How about you?”

“I’m as ready as I’m going to be.”

“Derek, I know you don’t
really like talking about what happened, but with my dad, I didn’t have the option. Just give him a chance to say what he has to say. You might be surprised. I’m going to leave it at that. I just want you to have an open mind going into this.”

“I’ll give it my best. Now, let’s go so we can hurry up and get your hot ass back here. I have plans for you tonight, sweetheart.” The promise in his voice sent shivers up my spine.

Hand and hand, we made our way down to the lobby where Joss’ car was sitting curbside. She was leaning against the side with her legs crossed at the ankles. I was happy to see her, but at the same token I wanted to do this with him,
alone
. Joss explained the situation the other night and how she went there to see Derek’s dad when she got back, knowing how crucial it was for them to make amends and move forward, whether they had a relationship or not.

She didn’t say anything as Derek slid the seat forward, allowing me to climb into the back. The ride to the prison was silent. Derek slid his hand to the back to hold mine, making me smile.
I wondered if there was a time where I would feel like I had enough of him. It’s almost like he infected me, but he was the only cure.

Joss checked us in at the gate and let Derek start walking
a little ways ahead so she could pull me off to the side.

“I didn’t want to intrude, but I promised him I’d come
, and he doesn’t have a car here so I hope you don’t mind,” she said, sincerely.

“No worries, it’s
fine. Thanks, Joss.”

Patting my shoulder, she let out a playful laugh. “
Phew. I was hoping you weren’t going to be upset.”

We quickly caught up to Derek
, who put an arm around each of us. As soon as we reached the door, I felt him tense up. I knew the last time he was here, it didn’t end well, and it’d been years since he’d been back. Hopefully, with any luck, time made them both stronger and more reasonable. Maybe his dad had grown too.

Walking into the small, private room
, we each took a seat on the opposite side from where he’d be sitting. Derek Sr. was escorted in by two guards. One removed the handcuffs, allowing Derek’s dad’s hands to rest freely on the table and then the guard went to stand by the door. Father and son sat there staring at each other, neither knowing exactly what to say.

I was paralyzed with my stomach in my throat, so I wasn’t of any help. It was Joss
who broke the ice.

“Well this is awkward…”
she said, taking a brief pause. “I don’t think a simple hello would hurt. I’m going to step out and give you guys some privacy. I’ll be right outside the door if you need anything.”

“Hi, Dad,” Derek said softly.

“Son.”

“I’m not sure what I’m looking to walk away with from this visit. I guess I’m hoping for some sort of peace. I know I have to forgive you for your flaws, your fuck ups, and your downfalls. Am I sure that you deserve it
? No, not really. I hope one day that you can prove me wrong, but I honestly don’t know.”

“Derek, what I live through every goddamn day of my life is enough torture. Whether you believe me or not, I loved your mom and you boys. Was I
good at showing it? Not even a little, but I deep down I did. Your mom was something special. She had me from hello, yet I wasn’t as good of a husband as I should have been. I should have treated her the way she deserved to be treated. When she told me she was pregnant with you, it was right after I blew my knee out and the school pulled my scholarships. I was twenty-years-old, nothing more than a kid myself. I’m not trying to justify anything; I’m just trying to make you understand.”

I saw the parallel shift in Derek’s mind as his dad spoke. If he knew, he would have been a
dad at eighteen and probably wouldn’t have been any more prepared than his own dad was. I think he finally understood that and I could see the sadness in his eyes that followed.

“I don’t understand. I’ll never understand
why, if you loved us so much, you drove drunk that night! You took Kyle from me, and even though you didn’t kill Mom, her blood is on your hands.”

“Don’t you think I already know that? There are so many things that I wish I could go back and change, but what’s done is done. I’m not
sure if you know this, but I’m not the one that asked to get put up for parole. I’ve served my time, so they say. I’m in my own prison every goddamn day, Derek.”

As an o
utsider, I had to say that his dad seemed remorseful, or he was a highly skilled actor. Derek’s trembling hand squeezed mine under the table. I wished I was a mind reader so I could know exactly what he was thinking. His dad looked much older than forty-six. He looked tired and haggard, like he had been punishing himself over the years.

“I don’t know what to do here, Derek. I don’t know how to beg for forgiveness. I would like to have atonement. I just don’t know how.
I don’t know if it’s even possible. You’re so angry at me and I’m angry at myself.” The elder Derek placed his head in his hands in defeat.

Derek seemed deep in thought, like he was hesitating about what he wanted to say.
“When Kyle and I were kids, we idolized you. You were too busy reliving the glory days that you never gave us what we wanted. You never once even tossed us a football and you were a star player for crying out loud! You were always drunk, slurring about how you would have made the NFL. You were too full of yourself to see that those days were gone and they weren’t ever coming back. I just want you to set me free, so I can move on with my life.”

“I’ll do whatever I can to bring you closure.
I haven’t had the chance to tell you, but I’ve followed your career. I’m really proud of you, son. You’ve done amazing for yourself.” His dad had tears in his eyes. “I’m so fucking proud of you. You did it all on your own.”

Derek s
eemed to be taken aback by his dad’s admission. He let go of my hand and walked to the other side of the table, giving his dad an awkward one-armed hug. His dad fully embraced him and they both started crying. I think the little bit of affirmation from his dad telling him he was doing well was exactly what he needed to start healing.

Pulling away from the embrace, Derek looked at his dad. “I’ll
see you at the hearing tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,”
he said. It was almost as if he was saying it to see how it felt.

Derek turned to look at me as the sound of the metal chair scraped against the
cracked linoleum of the floor. There was something different about him already. He seemed lighter. The burden he had been carrying, full of resentment, had been lifted.

We met Joss in the hallway where she was walking a hole in the floor. She stopped as soon as she saw us.

“So, how did it go?” Joss asked nervously.

“It went a lot better than I anticipated,” Derek replied. “Thanks for setting this up
, Joss.”

She smiled at him and gave him
a friendly hug. “Anytime, Derek.” She looked at me and smiled, pulling me into a hug too. I was truly starting to like her. She was a lot to take sometimes, but I could see how she was easy to love. “Let’s get this circus show on the road. I’ve got places to go and people to see.”

Later that night, I was sprawled out on the bed with Derek working his tongue
, lapping up melted chocolate ice cream between my thighs. Digging my nails into the sheets, I felt my orgasm come to the surface as my back arched off the bed. Just as I was about to come, Derek stopped and slid inside me, pounding with fervor. I came quickly, but he still seemed somewhat disappointed in himself.

I sat myself up
on my elbows and arched my neck so I could kiss him. He resumed his mission, thrusting and filling me to the hilt. As my muscles began to clench, he started trying really hard again to bring me to an orgasm, so much that it went away.

“Derek, just relax,” I soothed. “The sex is great
; you don’t have to try so hard.”

His face fell. “Sorry,” he apologized
, as his now limp cock slipped out of my heat.

“Hey, what’s the matter?”

DEREK

How do I always end up in these situations?
This thing with Britt is exactly what I’d told myself I wanted, but now I wasn’t so sure. Everything was perfect until we had sex. It just wasn’t the same with her as it was with Joss. Now I know that sounds extremely shallow, but sex is a vital part of a relationship. It’s when two people connect as one and I kept finding myself struggling to find that feeling with Britt. Not from lack of trying either.

Britt
stared at me, confused.

“Sorry, what did you say?” I asked, still lost in thought.

“I was asking you what’s the matter.”

She scooted out from under me and pulled the sheet up over her.

“Nothing,” I lied, climbing off the bed and collecting my boxers. I pulled them on and took a seat on the edge of the bed, running my hands through my hair.  

“Everything was just
fine, but something changed. Don’t you think you owe it to me to say what it is?”

“I’m just feeling conflicted. It’s nothing
really.”

Knowing that I wasn’t a
particularly convincing liar, I stood and made my way into the bathroom. Closing the lid to the toilet, I sat down and let my mind wander. I knew I needed to come to grips with the fact that Joss was happy with Zach, but it was hard now that I’d finally admitted to myself that I was in love with her. Thinking back, I think I’d been in love with her for a long time. Even though she made mistakes, it was mostly because she was young and still learning. With Brittany, it was different. We had a connection from the beginning, but maybe it was a little forced on my part in my effort to forget about Joss.

When I thought I
was going to lose Britt, she was all I wanted, but now that I finally had her, something had changed. It wasn’t just the sex. While we were at the prison today holding hands, I’d wished it were Joss instead.

I hated myself. To make matters worse, it took taking a
huge leap and having sex with her before I’d figured it out. Now Britt was going to hate me too.
Maybe I should stick it out for a little longer.
It could have just been my mind taking over, making me think things because the grass is always greener on the other side.