Conflicted (13 page)

She was reluctant, but I wasn’t giving up. “Fine, but only out here and only for a minute. Then you have to leave. Deal?”

“Do I have any other choice?” I knew damn well that I didn’t. This was going to be on her terms.

“It’s that or nothing,” she said firmly
, stepping out of my embrace. Since I was at her mercy, I’d have to take what I could get.

After I agreed, Kennedy called for Skylar to come to the door.
My heart was pounding and my stomach was in my throat. Have you ever felt like you were being suffocated or buried alive? That’s exactly how I felt. Sweat was pouring down my forehead as I watched him stand up from the table.

He was tall, lanky, and obviously in the awkward stage before becoming an adolescent. His light brown spiky hair and blue eyes made him a
good mix of both Kennedy and me. It all felt like some kind of twisted nightmare that I was going to wake up from at any moment. Still in disbelief, I reached my hand out and pinched Kennedy, making her screech.

Yep, it was real.

“Skylar, this is Derek. He’s an old friend of mine,” she said softly, glaring at me out of the corner of her eye. I noticed she didn’t say my last name, who I was, or what I did for a living. She could have at least tried to amp up my coolness factor.

“Hey, dude. How’s it going?” I said, trying to play it
cool on the outside, while screaming on the inside.

Fucking-A, I had a fucking kid. Fuck!

“Hi, Derek. Are you coming in, or are you just going to stand out here all night?”

I
opened my mouth to speak when Kennedy turned to look at him.

“He’s actually just passing th
rough. He can’t stay long, baby. Why don’t you go finish up so you can get ready for bed? I’ll be in soon to tuck you in.”

“Lame, mom. I’m almost ten.
You seriously need to stop treating me like I’m six. It’s embarrassing.” He rolled his eyes and huffed.

Unable to help myself, I laughed. Yep, he
definitely had to be my kid. Smartass and all. He offered a small wave as he walked back through the front door to the oak kitchen table that was in a shared space with the living room. Why didn’t she tell me about Skylar? I would have sent money. I would have made sure that they were both taken care of.

When we
’d ended things, they ended badly. Okay, very badly, but that’s no reason not to tell me that she was pregnant. I immediately felt guilty for not doing a more proactive search for her earlier to finalize our divorce. Since it didn’t really affect me in any way, after a while I’d just stopped trying to hunt her down, figuring she’d come to me when she wanted to get remarried or whatever.

By the way
she was looking at me, I knew I needed to leave. Before I did, I wanted to make sure now that I was in the loop that things would be different. I had
a lot
of making up to do. For anyone that never truly understood what people meant when they said that life can change in the blink of an eye. If I didn’t before, now I knew exactly what it meant.

“Listen, I know you hate me. You obviously have a lot of bitter feelings toward me, but he’s
our
son. Fuck, Kennedy, I could have at least helped pay for stuff if you didn’t want me around. I want to get to know him, and him me. It’s not fair that you’ve kept this from me for all these years.” Part of me was struggling not to break down and cry like a little bitch; the other part of me was still fighting the urge to choke her for not letting me know.

“I need some time to deal with this. I’ll let you know when you can come back.” She thrust a notepad at me to write down my number and turned without saying another word, closing the door behind her.

Standing on the front steps, I did my best to collect my thoughts before climbing into Joss’ car and heading back to Phoenix. I cranked up her shitty stereo and let the music start to clear my head. If it weren’t for music, there’s a good chance that I’d be dead right now. It speaks when words fail.

CHAPTER TWELVE

VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCE

JOSS

Sitting in the full family room, surrounded by members of both Battlescars and Guilty Tendencies, my mom was in seventh heaven. She was flitting around like a woman possessed, making sure they all had enough to eat and drink. It was overkill and slowly driving me insane. I made a little small talk with Brittany, but it was obvious that she was shy and probably hated my guts.

Looking over at the clock, I noticed Derek had been gone a while. Panic started to rise when I felt my phone go off.
Pulling it out of my shirt, I looked at the screen to see a text from Derek.

Need someone to talk to. Can’t go inside just yet. Meet me at the corner in 5? Plz…

In my gut I knew something awful had to have happened, especially since it took so long. Without a moment of hesitation, I told him I’d be there. I excused myself to my room claiming a sudden headache. Instead, I made a break for the front door, praying that I slipped out unnoticed. After practically sprinting down the street in four-inch heels, I saw him rounding the corner before slowing to a stop.

I should
seriously invest in a pair of flats and actually plan to wear them
, I thought
.

“Come on, get in. I don’t want to deal with talking to anyone else right now,” he said in a rush, looking distraught.
It was blatantly obvious that he was upset about something by his text, but seeing his face made me realize whatever it was must be downright awful.

“Why me? Why didn’t you text Brittany?” I asked, hesitantly.

“You’re the
only
one that knows the truth about Kennedy. No one else knows that we’re married. But when I showed up there tonight I got the surprise of a lifetime. She has a kid. A fucking kid, Joss! Not only that - he’s mine! I have a son and she never even told me!”

He cried. He actually broke down and fucking cried.

Placing my hand on his shoulder blade, I rubbed it soothingly. There aren’t many times where I’m rendered speechless, but goddamn, this was one of them. Kennedy had a son, and it was Derek’s. I couldn’t even wrap my head around it. He stepped on the gas, making the engine scream in protest. I wanted to say something, to tell him to be more careful with my car, but words weren’t coming out.

Staring blankly out the window, I tried to collect my thoughts. We flew down the familiar neighborhood streets. Funny how everything seemed the same, but it was as if the earth shifted. The darkest clouds were coating the sky as the sun began to set and rain came pouring down.
It was as if the earth was crying for him. He’d had more pain thrown his way than any one person should. They say that you are only given the life you are strong enough to live, and it tests you, but sometimes it just seems plain unfair. Wracking my brain, I tried to think of something, anything, that I could do to comfort him.

Placing my small hand in his
big one, we made our way all the way to the other side of town. He stopped in the parking lot of an abandoned warehouse. Instinctively, I climbed over the center console and sat in his lap, wrapping my arms around him and holding him closely.

“
Everything’s going to be okay. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but I promise it will all work out the way it’s supposed to. You’ve both grown up so much since then. You have so much you could offer to a kid. Besides, who wouldn’t want a sexy rock star for a dad?”

“It was awful, Joss,” he said, smelling my hair and breathing heavily into my ear.

Using my thumb, I wiped away a tear from his cheek and rested my hand on the side of his face. I already knew things weren’t going to end well for either of us because of what was about to happen, but we were that undeniable force. I really liked Zach, but we weren’t dating and I didn’t know where it was heading. I knew Derek cared about Brittany, but he was a free agent too. Right now, we needed each other.

Turning my face slightly, our lips met and the familiar carnal spark ignited. Lacing my fingers through his
tousled hair, I pulled him closer to me, not wanting any space between us. The hardness of his cock was already pressing up against my core, pulsing with need. A small moan escaped my lips as we continued mauling each other. He was struggling with the tiny buttons of my blouse and before I could stop him, he tore it open like the Incredible Hulk, sending the buttons scattering. 

That was going to be hard to explain when we got home…

Pressing my chest into his hands, Derek massaged my nipples with his skilled fingers, before dropping his head and pulling one into his mouth, sucking hard. There was a good chance that we were both going to regret this when it was all said and done, but for now I couldn’t find it in me to give a shit. I tugged his hair, earning a growl, and pulled his mouth back to mine. I began working on undoing his zipper until he sprang free. He had the most beautiful cock I’d ever seen. It was perfect in every way and the way he fit inside me was like the missing piece of a puzzle.

Sliding my panties to the side, I sank down onto him
, loving the feeling of him stretching me as his cock filled me completely. Placing his hands on my hips, he began moving me up and down. I was so close to coming undone and we had barely even started.

“I need you so much right now,” he whispered against my lips before kissing me again.

Unwilling to pull apart for long, “ditto” was my only reply.

We didn’t need words. We spoke better using our bodies, which was also one of the reasons that a long-term relationship between us would be disastrous. When we were
together physically, there was nothing better. It was like fireworks on the Fourth of July and every time he moved his length in and out, it brought me closer to seeing stars.

Lowering his hand, he gently rubbed my clit
and that was it. I was spiraling into a state of pure bliss. In that moment nothing else mattered; it was just Derek and me. Biting hard on his lip with my teeth, Derek picked up his pace, ramming into me, prolonging my orgasm and finding his own release. We stayed like that, trying to catch our breath for what would never be long enough. Knowing this was a means to an end for us, it was bittersweet.

“I’m sorry, Joss. I fucked everything up again,” he apologized, leaning his forehead against mine. “I shouldn’t have put you in this situation.”

“You didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to do. When push comes to shove, it’s who we are. No one has to know, unless you want them to.”

“What about Zach?”
he asked, obviously surprised by my carefree reaction. I guess he was expecting me to flip out or claw him to death. I was too sated to give a fuck.

“What about him?” I shrugged. “
Sure, I like him. He’s different from anyone I’ve ever met. He makes me feel special, but I’m still not sure I’m in a position to be committing myself to anyone. I guess only time will tell what the future holds; if Zach’s in it, then great. If not, oh well…”

“I
t sounds horrible, but I feel the same way about Britt. I wish things could have been different for us, but the fact is you’re bad for me. I’m addicted to you, but more than that, you’re special to me. You always will be,” he said earnestly.

“I know.”
I smiled and climbed off his lap, doing my best to make myself presentable and failing miserably.

DEREK

If there was one thing I was good at, then it was how to make a mess of my life. After leaving Kennedy’s, I just needed a friend and the entire drive back all I could think about was Joss. Brittany popped in there a couple times, but it was Joss who was the one that I needed. She was familiar. Safe. Her scent comforted me. She also had this uncanny ability to calm me down like no one else. I knew nothing good was going to come out of her getting into the car with me, but that’s just how things worked when we were together.

Looking over at her trying to adjust herself
so she looked presentable, I realized I really did a number on her shirt and there was no way in hell we were going to be able to cover it up.

“Come on, wipe that fucking smile off your face. You’re going to get us in trouble,” I teased.

Turning to me, she held her middle finger up, waving it in my face. “I can’t help it,” she grinned, laughing happily.

She was about to say something else when my phone started ringing. It was Jake. I debated not answering, but that
would only make them worry and get pissed off. Glancing at Joss and then back to my phone, she nodded.

“Hold that thought,
babe,” I said, trying to control my breathing and I pressed the green button, answering the call. “Yeah, Jake?”

“Where are you? Is everything okay?” He
sounded absolutely panicked.

“I’m
fine. Jake, what the hell is going on?”

“Joss is missing! No one’s seen her, and she’s not answering her phone. You need to get back here.”

Panic rose in my system. I knew that there was no way that we were going to get out of having to explain ourselves to everyone. Things were hard enough as it was right now and this was just going to add fuel to the already raging fire. No doubt Brittany and Zach were going to be furious and hurt. The guys were going to want to kick my ass for numerous reasons, and Joss was probably going to be sent to live at a convent. Looking over at her, I knew we had to come clean. She managed to look somewhat somber, but content at the same time. She nodded for me to tell Jake.

“She’s not missing.
” I quickly cleared my throat and blurted out the truth. “She’s with me…”

“Seriously?”
he asked, deadpan.

“Yes, seriously. Please just tell them she’s okay, and that we’ll explain when we get back. We should be there in fifteen minutes or so.”

He sighed loudly, and I knew he wasn’t happy. “You really fucked up this time.”

“I know. It’s the story of my life,” I replied, having nothing else to say.

Putting the car in drive, we drove back toward Joss’ house. I hated knowing that there was going to be hell to pay when we arrived. There was a good chance that a fistfight was going to break out, and possibly a riot. What had started out as something completely innocent now stood to shatter everything that we were both working so hard to maintain.

As always, it was my fault.

Joss leaned over and placed her head on my shoulder contentedly, turning the radio up so it was a low hum in the background. How were two people who were so right for each other in so many ways so fucking wrong for each other? We were the male and female versions of one another. Everything from our sense of humor to our views on life was practically identical. The timing was always off for us, though. It’s like every time we thought we had something, fate had to step in and tell us to go our separate ways. Every time got harder and harder. I thought maybe, just maybe, Brittany was the cure all for making Joss leave my brain. Evidently, she wasn’t. At least not yet.

Emphatic’s “Don’t Forget About Me” was playing low.
It was shocking how fitting the song was for what we were going through at this very moment.

I went the speed limit and stopped at every red light, enjoying the peace that I felt when I was with Joss. Taking her hand in mine, I leaned over and kissed the top of her head lovingly, hoping to express just a little bit of how much she meant to me. Even after all these years, it was as if no time had passed between us at all. Part of me wished that I could wrap her in my arms and never let go; the other part of me knew that wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I wanted to tell her the three words that were stuck in my throat. She deserved to know, but it
would just make what was about to happen that much harder. I just had to leave it and hope that she knew. She had to. Right?

I remembered the night of her eighteenth birthday like it was yesterday.
She was always following us around and coming to any show that Blake would let her go to, which were few and far between, but we always had this connection. Like an undeniable bond of some sort.

She was beautiful, breathtakingly so, and didn’t care what people thought about her. I
’d always admired that about her. The ability not to give a fuck is a much harder feat than anyone assumes. She’d begged and pleaded to have us come play her party, and finally Blake relented.

As soon as the set wrapped up, Blake ran off with one of her friends and that’s when she cornered me. She looked like a temptress in her strapless, form fitted, black leather dress and her long, tousled, blonde hair.

She leaned into me and whispered, “I want you.” The admission that came with her statement overwhelmed me. I wanted her. I’d wanted her for a long time. Hell, anyone who laid eyes on her would want her. My obligation to Blake was causing me to not to want to act, but as soon as her lips were on mine, every rational thought was out the window.

When we made it to her room
, I knew things were about to get real very fast. Every kiss, every touch, every everything was beyond perfect. The second that I entered her, I knew I was fucked. She felt better than any other girl whom I’d ever been with, which at that point had been a lot. The way she tasted, the way she smelled. Everything about her drew me in like a moth to a flame.