Conflicted (8 page)

“Somehow I always am,” he replied. His expression turned serious, “Joss, I know you’re trying to figure out who you are and shit. I get it. We all go through it. Just try and make better choices, okay?”

I nodded, trying to hold it together. “You know firsthand what I went through growing up. It’s so hard not to want
to just go out and lose control.”

“The only reason they did that was to protect you from assholes like me. People, especially guys, see someone like you
, someone who is kind and beautiful, and you may as well have a red bull’s-eye on your back saying
victim
. Guys think with the head that resides south and will say and do anything to charm your pants off. You’re so much better than that, Joss. Sex with you is a privilege; it’s a fucking gift. Don’t ever think otherwise and don’t give it away to just anyone. There are other ways to gain independence; that’s not one of them.”

The tears that I was fighting back came to the surface.
As I tapped lightly on his shoulder, he lifted his body and kissed me before rolling onto his back.

I walked into the bathroom to clean myself up and have a couple minutes to compose myself.
When I came back into the bedroom, Derek was in just his boxers, with his head propped up on a pillow, looking content. I scooped his t-shirt up off the floor, pulling it over my head and grabbed my laptop before taking a seat next to him. Opening the computer lid, I pulled up flights leaving the next morning.

By the time I was finished, I looked over to Derek who was sleeping soundly. It was most likely from
the sex and whiskey concoction, since he barely slept. Tiptoeing into the bathroom, I showered quickly before tossing all my toiletries into my bag. I threw everything into my suitcase without bothering to fold it and zipped it shut. My heart was hurting the entire time, but I knew it was the right thing for both of us.

I hate goodbyes
; they’re always sad. Even if you’re going to see someone the next day, it’s always hard to say goodbye. In life, there are no givens. Life throws circumstances at us and there’s really no guarantee that you’ll get another hello, another hug, another kiss, another chance, another anything. I knew by staying here until morning that I would have a hard time letting go of what never was. I very quietly went and kissed Derek one last time before lugging my stuff downstairs. I stopped in the kitchen and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen.

Derek,

Since you’re reading this, I’m sure you already figured out that I’m gone. You know I hate goodbyes, so this is my “until next time.” I’m really glad we had this time together, despite the drama. I’m always only a phone call away if you need ANYTHING! Take care of yourself and thanks for everything.

xoxo
,

Joss

Drying my eyes with a napkin, I placed it next to the coffeepot. Tossing the napkin into the trash, I saw there was a crumbled note on top.

You’ll be mine before the story ends…
xx, Derek

Sobs wracked my body as
I hurried outside into the night. Climbing into Blake's Mustang, I revved the engine, wishing that it were a quieter car and hoping that Derek wouldn’t hear it and come running outside. Although there was a good chance that he wouldn’t be up until tomorrow afternoon.

After speeding across town, hoping to avoid another run in with Todd, I made my way to Piper and Blake’s. On my way there, my heart felt heavy, but sometimes the hardest thing you have to do is let go. There were things I knew about Derek that no one else knew.
I’d bring them to my grave for him, because in a way, I loved him. I’d never do anything to betray his trust in me. Ever. 

When I arrived, I quietly opened the door
, hoping not to wake anyone. The house was eerily quiet. Blake was sitting in the dimly lit living room with Waverly asleep on his chest. My parents had already gone to bed for the night, for which I was grateful. Sometimes it's nice to be able to avoid the third degree, especially from my dad. Not only am I the baby, I’m a girl, which makes it ten times worse.

Blake looked at me with suspicion. I could tell he wanted to ask me a million questions, but surprisingly he didn’t.

"Don't say I didn't tell you so," he admonished. Luckily, he wouldn’t be yelling tonight and risk waking the baby.

"Don’t be an asshole, Blake. It’s not like that. Derek and I are
fine. There is stuff going on with him that you can't even begin to understand. He needs to figure this out for himself. I’m just ready to go home."

"And I am assuming that you are not going to tell me what’s going on with him?" He asked
, cocking an eyebrow, digging for information.

"It’s not my story to tell. He'll tell you when he's ready. I'm going to need you to take me to the airport first thing in the morning.”

He didn’t look happy, but nodded in understanding.

“I'm off to bed," I called over my shoulder. I slowly made my way up the stairs. My bags were packed
and I was leaving.

DEREK

I called a band meeting. I don't know what I was expecting to tell them. Everything, I guess. I needed to get it all out in the open. They were closest things that I had to family
and they deserved to know. Climbing into the shower, I turned the water as hot as it would go. It took all my motivation just to get dressed and head down to the studio. I felt like I was holding a hand grenade and the pin was missing. Kevin had flown in this morning for rehearsal so we could keep on our A-game, which meant that the gang was all here.

When I walked into the room, they were all sitting on stools and all eyes were trained on me. Blake looked sympathetically at me
, while Jake looked perplexed, and Kevin’s eyes were filled with empathy. He was the one most in tune with others’ emotions.

There was no getting out of it this time. I took one final deep breath before letting it all out into the open.

"Hey guys."

Blake looked at me intently, waiting for me to speak. I knew that he was the one
who must've taken Joss to the airport. Thankfully there wasn’t a murderous gleam in his eyes. I wasn't surprised when I found her note this morning. I acted like an asshole and she acted like a bitch, which was typical Derek and Joss behavior. We were always hot and cold, fire and ice.

"I guess you're wondering why I called you all here early.” They all gave a slight nod, leaving me in the spotlight. “I have something that's been eating at me for a while, and I wasn't sure how to tell you guys."

"Come on man, you know we’re like brothers. There's
nothing
that you can't tell us," Jake said honestly.

"Something happened in Vegas…" Looking down at my shoes, I avoided eye contact. "I had a threesome
," I blurted out, feeling the emotional grenade detonate.

The room erupted in laughter.

"Dude, we've all had threesomes. Poor Blake used to have to be in the same room as me back in the day when I would have one a night." Jake howled, tapping his knee.

"Yeah…
but yours were probably with two girls."

I let what I said sink in for a minute. Once reality set in, they all looked at me again with wide-eyed expressions.

"I didn't mean for it to happen; it just did. Then, I thought I liked it. I did like it. Afterwards, I thought I might be gay, or at least bi. I was so confused and I didn't know how to tell you guys. I didn't want you to look at me any differently than you always have."

"Derek, you know that there's nothing you could do that would make us look at you any differently. Underneath all the hurt and pain that you've endured over the years, you are still a gentle soul," Kevin said genuinely.

"Yeah dude, you’d have to do something seriously fucked up for us to see you as being anything but our brother," Jake chimed in.

I looked at Blake who
had yet to speak. His face was a bright shade of red. "You mean to tell me that you were screwing my sister while thinking you were gay?"

"It wasn't like that, man. She was the one that helped me realize that it wasn't what I thought it was. You know that I respect and care a lot about Joss. I would never do anything
to intentionally hurt her."

He seemed to find my response acceptable since his color returned to normal.

Taking a second deep breath, I let the other bomb drop. "On a side note, I got a letter saying that my dad is up for parole."

"Whoa! What? Are you serious? How can they do that?" Jake yelled, jumping off the stool, causing it to crash to the floor.

"Dead serious, I got the letter yesterday," I said emotionless.

"How can they let him out? How do you feel about this?" Blake asked. The little bit of anger that was left had dissipated and was replaced with genuine concern.

"Honestly? I'm not sure. I hate him, but he is still my dad. I cut off all communication when we moved to LA.” I felt a lump form in my throat as I spoke the words. “I don't really have anything to say to him."

"I think the only way to get closure is for you to talk to him," Kevin said. "I know it's
probably the last thing that you want to do, but I don't see any other way."

Blake looked at me mournfully. "I think Kev has a point. I know he’s a real son of a bitch, but at the end of the day, he’s
still your dad and you're walking around carrying a burden that isn't yours to bear."

Maybe they were right
, but I still needed more time to think about everything.

After a grueling practice session, I headed back upstairs to be alone. Picking my phone up from the end table, I called to order pizza since we
’d skipped lunch and I was starving. There was a text from Joss, but I deleted it before reading it. I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now, especially her since she was just adding to my conflict. I just wanted to hide away for a little bit so I could think without being told what to do.

Again, here’s where people think I’m weak because I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve or always say what’s on my mind. I’ve always been a lone wolf. The kid
who marched to the beat of his own drum. I like space to figure things out on my own, without interference from everyone around me.

Once I was sure that the coast was clear, I grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat on the couch with my head in my hands.
I felt like I was caught in the tide trying to keep my head above water. So many thoughts were swimming through my head that as soon as one left, another was right there. I knew that whatever I decided would inevitably change me for better or worse going forward. Now, I had to decide what I wanted to do…

When my dinner arrived, I grabbed a paper plate and s
et the box on the coffee table. Lifting the lid, I was hit with the smell of tomato, garlic, and pure deliciousness. Picking up the first piece, I stuffed it right into my mouth, loving the meshing of cheese and sauce. After eating almost the entire pie by myself, I felt sick. Just as I was about to lie on the couch and call it a night like a gluttonous pig, my phone started to ring. Worrying that it was Tyler, I double checked the caller ID and saw that it was Cole. My first thought was,
what the hell is he calling me for?
Then I was suddenly panicked that he might be in trouble. I quickly answered the phone.

"Hey, Derek," Cole said, sounding restless. "How
’s it going?"

"Oh just
fuckin’ dandy. Everything all right, man?"

"That's some bullshit if I ever heard it," he said. "I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go to the gym and spar with me tonight? I’m feeling
antsy."

"It's kind of late, isn’t it?" Looking at the clock, I realized it was only a little after nine.

Fucking-A, I’m lame.

"I guess, but I have too much pent up energy that I need to get out before I lose my shit. It ain’t gonna be pretty if I do, I can tell you that much. "

Letting out a deep sigh, I knew I’d feel better if I went and hit the bag for a bit too. "All right, I'll see you there in less than an hour."

Hanging up the phone, I dragged myself upstairs to get changed into some gym clothes. It was probably best that I went and worked some of the grease out of my system anyway. Lying around here was just going to force me to get sucked into the vortex of my mind, which wasn’t a
good thing right now. I picked out the first clean things I could find, a pair of gray, mesh gym shorts and a black t-shirt with the sleeves missing. On my way out the door, I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and my car keys off the counter.

Starting my car, the familiar sound of the engine comforted me.

Turning up the radio, I headed to the other side of town. I enjoyed the surroundings of the town that I’d started to call home. There was a little bakery that had the best maple donuts and TruInk, where Piper still planned to freelance sometimes. Then there was Napoleon’s, a little Italian bistro that made scrumptious Italian everything. The town was small, but clean and friendly. I’d been a little worried when we moved here about what they would think of us, since we look like a bunch of derelicts, all covered in tattoos and piercings. I thought they’d immediately reject us, especially since it’s a small town, but so far we’d been welcomed with open arms. There was a lot more tourism coming through now too, which the shops seemed to like. A lot of them even offered Battlescars themed memorabilia, which completely blew my mind. Luckily, the paparazzi weren’t hounding us as bad as they did when we’d first arrived. I was sure that was going to change again now that the babies had finally arrived and the press wanted pictures.