Conflicted (9 page)

Hitting my turn signal, I pulled up into the gym parking lot and saw Cole’s motorcycle parked off to the side. Grabbing my gym bag with my gloves from the passenger seat, I hurried to the door. Sure enough, Cole was there beating the hell out
of the punching bag. If anyone understood what it was like to be in a screwed up situation, it was Cole. He was struggling to grasp any normalcy that he could get his hands on. From what I understood, when he returned, he was prescribed high doses of anti-depressants and painkillers, which actually just masked the underlying problem. Having an addictive personality, it didn’t take him long to start popping those things like Tic-Tac’s. Every day was a struggle for him to keep walking the straight line.

After lacing up my gloves, I started hitting the bag next to him. Zoning out, I pictured my dad’s face with each thrust of my fist. I pictured everything that I
’d missed with my mom and Kyle over the years. Proms, graduations, weddings that they would never see. Sweat was pouring down my face, running into my eyes and causing them to sting, but I pressed forward. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I glanced over at the clock. I’d been at it for over an hour. My heart was hammering behind my ribcage. Although broken, it still functioned, though sometimes I wanted to rip the fucking thing out of my chest.

“Feel any better?”
Cole asked. I nodded my response. “Tara’s working the bar tonight if you feel like going to grab a beer? I could sure as hell use one about now.”

There was a hint of desperation in his tone
and I knew he didn’t want to be alone right now any more than I did.

“Yeah, a beer sounds
good. You can follow me back to my place if you want. I need to get changed and you can borrow some clothes.”

The
crisp evening air was welcome when we walked out. Climbing into my car, I lit up the tires pulling onto the road and watched as Cole’s headlight grew closer in my rearview mirror. I knew there was no way that I could keep up with him if he actually decided to throttle it, but I was bigger than him. We were zipping through the side streets until we got to the road that led us back to the house. Cranking the stereo, I put the pedal to the metal. It was such a release, although I felt a little bad about beating on my car.

We made it to the house in no time. Fumbling with the keys, I opened the front door and held my hand out
, gesturing for Cole to go inside first. He was taking in the downstairs, standing there with his mouth open. I guess it was pretty impressive. It was way more than what we needed, but Jake’s balls to the wall attitude didn’t end with just Aubrey.

“This place is ridiculous. Want a roomie?”
he joked.

I would have almost offered to let him stay if I didn’t think that it would cause tension.
Even though Piper and Cole were on speaking terms and didn’t have any bad blood with each other, they were hardly what you would consider friends at this point. They got along and were cordial, but that was as far as it went.

Stepping into my closet, I picked out a typical Derek ensemble of jeans, t-shirt, and a plaid button up. I grabbed some of the clothes that didn’t fit me anymore and tossed them out to Cole to put on. After a quick change, we were off to the bar.

Opening the door to the bar, I was hit with the familiar smell of burger grease, peanuts, and stale beer. I welcomed it. Despite everything that had transpired in the last couple of weeks, going out was exactly what I needed, not a pity party of one. After walking up to the front, I saw Cole’s girlfriend, Tara, behind the counter tending bar. She was a pretty brunette with hazel eyes and a show stopping smile. She brought us two beers before taking orders from the rest of the busy front end.

Cole’s face lit up when he was near her. I was glad to see that he was starting to get out there again. Tara was
really a terrific girl. She was smart, witty, and kept him on his toes. I needed someone like that too. Just not yet.

As the night progressed and the alcohol flowed, I felt myself start to unwind. I told him all about the letter from the parole office and how I felt about the situation. He told me the same thing that Kevin said about going to talk to my
dad. As adamant as I was at first about not going, I listened to Cole bullet off each of his points as to why I should. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right on all counts. Or as he put it, “what do you have to lose?” I’d already lost so much that there wasn’t much left that could be taken away.

I couldn’t avoid
it any longer; I was going to see him. I was going to tell him exactly how I felt and he was going to listen, whether he wanted to or not. Before I left that prison, he was going to know what he’d put me through in the last fifteen years and everything that I’d had to miss out on because of his selfish stupidity. Not that he did it on purpose, and I’m sure he spent every single day suffering. At least I hoped he did; he has one hell of a penance to pay.

Waving a hand in front of my face, Cole laughed. “Earth to Derek.”

“Sorry, were you saying something?”

“I was asking if you wanted something else to drink?”

“Nah, I’ll just take a water this round.”

Cole called Tara over and ordered another round for himself and a water for me. I wanted
to give myself a chance to sober up a bit. Even though I’d only had three beers, I would never drive unless I was absolutely positive that I was a thousand percent sober before turning a key. I know I couldn’t live with myself if history repeated itself.

After saying goodnight to Tara and Cole, I made my way to the bathroom to pee out my two beers before making my way to the door.

Just as I was about to walk out, I bumped into a girl.

CHAPTER EIGHT

I NEVER TOLD YOU WHAT I DID FOR A LIVING

Throwing my arm out, I caught her hand before she fell to the ground. I felt like such an asshole for not paying better attention. As I helped her steady, I gave her a quick once over to make sure she was okay since I
’d run into her pretty hard. She was extremely cute; I’d say beautiful, but she was more on the cute side. Her shoulder length blonde hair had bright red streaks throughout and she wore a pair of black-framed glasses, which sat on the bridge of her button nose and showed off her sky blue eyes.

“I’m so sorry.
I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going,” I apologized, leaning down so I was eye-level with her.

“It’s okay; I’m clumsy. I should have probably been watching where I was walking too.”

Judging by her bright red cheeks, I’d say she was embarrassed. As she moved her arm from my grip, I let my fingers linger for a moment longer before placing my hand firmly back at my side.

“I’m Derek, by the way,” I said casually.

“Brittany,” she smiled shyly. “But, my friends call me Britt.”

It was clear by taking one look at her that Brittany wasn’t the girl you took home for a one-night stand. She was the type that you took home and kept under lock and key. Judging from her demeanor and her eyes
, I could tell she was smart. I’ve always considered myself a decent judge of character and, in my opinion, she seemed honest and loyal. Immediately, I wanted to know more about this girl. The only problem was the last time this happened it spelled trouble
.

“I was just leaving, but I’d love to buy you a drink. Only if you’re interested, of course,” I said, causing her cheeks flame with heat again.
Of course she’s not going to want to have a drink with you, you stupid lummox; you practically just bulldozed her over.
There was going to be no getting out of this with my dignity intact.

“Actually, I just came in to see if I could get an application. I just relocated here
and I’m in between jobs right now. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to find anything that’s going to pay the bills,” she grumbled, shoving her hands in her jean pockets.

Something about her triggered this protective instinct that had been lying dormant inside me. “That sucks
; I’m sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I just moved here not that long ago myself, so we have that in common.” I gave her a small smile, hoping she would relax.

“I did it on a whim
and I wish I hadn’t, but it’s too late to turn back now.”

“Hey, it’s never too late. I’m slowly learning that myself. Life seems to be a constant one step forward two steps back ordeal,
or at least in my case it is. You’ll get back on your feet in no time and look back and laugh on this awkward conversation,” I teased. There wasn’t even a hint of a smile; if anything, she looked even sadder. I wanted to know what was making her so sad.

Wracking my already racing brain, I wondered if I could get her a job at the airfield working with Tim, Aubrey’s dad
, since business had been picking up in recent months. At the very least, it couldn’t hurt to try. She didn’t belong popping bottles for a bunch of drunks who would eat her alive.

“I might be able to help you find something. I have some connections around here that might suit you better. Besides, then you don’t have to go home smelling like booze and burger grease.”

Her entire face lit up, showing off her perfect smile. “Really? You’d do that for me? You don’t even know me.”

Hell, I’d hire her to come sit and watch TV with me at this point just to see her smile more. I felt that black, dead thing that they call a heart even let out a little pitter-patter.

“Sure. I’ll make some calls tomorrow. Would you mind meeting me for dinner tomorrow night so we can discuss any prospects?”

Glancing at the bar, she looked hesitant for a moment and shrugged slightly. “I guess that would be okay, as long as it’s not a
n inconvenience for you.”

“I’ll get us a table at
Napoleon’s tomorrow for seven. It’s a couple blocks from here on the right,” I said, taking a step back from her.

“Thank you, Derek. I
really appreciate it. You have no idea. If you can work something out, I will owe you big time.”

With that, I turned, more carefully this time, and made my way to my car. It’s
amazing how doing something selfless can make you feel like you’re on top of the world. I had no intention of corrupting her, which was why I didn’t take her phone number and left in a hurry. Now I had to see if I could find her something that could make her money.

The next morning, I called Tim first thing. Unfortunately, even with the company doing well, he didn’t have room for another hand, which brought me back to square one.
Hurrying through my shower, I made it down to practice with only minutes to spare.

“Somebody’s in a rush this morning,” Blake teased.

“Shut the fuck up, asshole,” I said, rolling my eyes.

Cocking an eyebrow at me, he laughed. “What’s going on with you that you’re walking around like a lunatic on meth?”

“Nothing,” I said, hoping to blow him off. I already knew it wasn’t going to work. Blake was one of those people who liked answers and would be a pain in the ass until he got them, much like his sister. I knew I was saved when Jake came in looking like he was about to break something. He seldom got angry, but when he did it was
balls to the motherfucking wall
angry.

“I swear to God
, that spineless piece of shit over at our record label is going to make me go away for ten years. They don’t want us to play the benefit and they pulled the opening act that I wanted, so now we’re back at square one.” He tossed one of my drumsticks across the studio, causing it to crash against the wall with a loud thud before falling to the floor.

“We’ll figure it out,” Kevin said calmly. He was always the rational one when it came to stuff like this. Sometimes it made me wonder what was
actually going on inside that head of his.

“Let’s just get this over with so I can figure out what we’re going to do.”

With that, we threw ourselves into practicing. We had a couple new songs in the works for an album that we were supposed to start recording in the near future. Which also meant another tour, and back to the hectic grind again. Luckily, albums take a long time, so I probably had a good year to prepare myself. Sitting at my drum kit, I started flailing away, putting all my emotion and aggression into each song.

We were kicking ass and taking names at this point. Being together for almost ten years and touring for the last six, we were
really lucky that we all still got along. There are a lot of bands that aren’t as lucky as us, and people want different things and go in separate directions. As a band, we’d grown together, instead of apart.

By the time we wrapped up,
I had to get ready to go meet Brittany for dinner. I was going to have to break the bad news that I couldn’t find her anything just yet. It wasn’t going to stop me from trying, though. She wasn’t the type who belonged working in a bar getting hit on by assholes all night long. She was the girl who belonged sitting in a glass front office.

After showering and picking out jeans and one of the nicer button-ups I owned, I was on my way. My nerves were out of control as the gate closed behind me.

It was strange for me to be taking a girl out to dinner. I didn’t do dating, even though this wasn’t a date. I wasn’t the guy who took girls anywhere, except to the bedroom.

Turning onto Main Street, I parked in the first spot that I could find and put money in the meter. I had to walk a block before I arrived at
Napoleon’s, but I was happy when I looked at my watch and saw that I was still fifteen minutes early. As I got closer, I saw her standing out front in a short jean miniskirt, a white t-shirt, and black flip-flops. When she noticed me, she smiled shyly and gave a small wave. Picking up my pace, I managed to close the space between us in no time.

“Hey, you’re early,” I said, opening the door.

“I thought it was further away than it is,” she said sheepishly.

After I
gave the hostess my name, she led us to a table outside in the back where a little stream passed through. Kevin had actually found this place and loved it since they had some vegan dishes, which were hard to come by in a small town. They also had exceptionally delicious pasta, and anyone could find something to eat. Every night, they had a local jazz band play outside as well, as long as the weather was nice.

Putting my hand on the small of Brittany’s back, I followed the hostess to our table. Trying my hardest to be a gentleman, I pulled out her chair as the hostess placed the menus on the table before
retreating back to her post. The sun was starting to set, but luckily the warm air was still lingering. I took a seat across from Britt and looked at my dinner options, even though I already knew what I was planning on ordering. I always got the same thing when I came here. If you have something you love, I don’t see the point in changing it up and being disappointed, especially when it comes to food.

Clearing my throat, I looked intently at her. “So, I made a phone call today and
unfortunately there’s nothing available right now, but that doesn’t mean you’re out of options just yet.”

“It’s
fine. I’ll find something,” she said contentedly, still looking at the menu.

Her nose scrunched up in concentration as she looked at her options. It was adorable. She looked up and caught me staring at her before closing her menu with a small sigh. I ordered my spinach fettuccini Alfredo
and she ordered lasagna, causing me to laugh.

“
What? Lasagna is like spaghetti-flavored cake. I could eat it every day,” she giggled.

“I love Italian food too. I mean who doesn’t love pasta, right?” I pulled a dinner roll out of the basket and started picking off small pieces. “Thanks for meeting me for dinner. I usually end up going out by myself.”

She smiled shyly. It was alluring. “Thanks for inviting me. I haven’t had the chance to meet many people yet.”

“Me neither.
Life’s been a lot easier for me since we relocated here, though.”

“Where did you live before you moved here?”

“Los Angeles. We were there for almost six years. I still keep an apartment there for when we need to go back for stuff.”

“Who do you mean when you say
we
?” she asked, confused. The fact that she genuinely had no idea who I was made me like her even more.

Before I could answer her, the waiter returned and placed our dinners in front of us. Picking up my fork, I swirled the
pasta around, thinking about how to answer her. In this case, honesty was the best policy.

“Um, I’m sort of in a band.”

Looking up from her dinner with a perplexed look, I was worried about how she was going to react. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she took off in a sprint. Raising an eyebrow, she asked, “Sort of?”

“I’m the drummer for Battlescars.”

She laughed, causing relief to wash over me. “Don’t be mad, but I have no idea who Battlescars is.”

I couldn’t help but laugh along with her. “Not even a little bit
? I guess you can say we’re on the mainstream rock circuit and fairly well known, but I actually like the fact that you don’t know who I am.”

“Whew. Lo
oks like I just dodged a bullet,” she laughed. “I’ll have to check out some of your music sometime.”

“I can get you a CD if you want? We have hundreds of them around the studio. What do you normally listen to?”

“Everything and anything. I just haven’t had time to do much the last couple years,” she said, sounding sad. “My mom got really sick when I was a junior in high school. I took it upon myself to take care of her, since my sister Molly was already in college and studying abroad at the time. My dad died in a car accident when I was little, so it was just the three of us growing up.”

I could understand what she was feeling better than she could imagine.

Taking another bite of my dinner, I washed it down with some water. “I’m terribly sorry to hear that. Your mom was lucky to have you.”

“Thanks. I don’t know why I just
completely unloaded that on you. I’m sorry.”

“Never apologize for being
who you are, Britt,” I said firmly.

I had a
really hard time being around people who tried too hard; Brittany wasn’t one of them. We made small talk throughout dinner, which flowed smoothly. She was quite easy to talk to and surprisingly funny. She had the tendency to chew on her bottom lip when she was deep in thought and she had the most genuine laugh. We were nearly finished with dinner when she turned the tables on me and caught me off guard.

“So what about your family? Are they from around here?”

A lump formed in my throat. “My band is my family,” I snapped even though I didn’t mean to, but it immediately struck a nerve. It’s not like I have a neon sign flashing on my forehead telling people to avoid asking about them. “It’s getting late. We should actually get going. Thanks for joining me for dinner,” I said, pulling my wallet out of my back pocket. I tossed a wad of money on the table.