Conflicted (7 page)

CHAPTER SEVEN

HAND GRENADES

DEREK

The next morning, my eyes felt like they were going to bleed from lack of sleep the night before. My head was pounding and I felt like an epic asshole. When I made my way downstairs, I saw that Blake’s Mustang was missing from the driveway, which meant she was already gone. There was no sense in trying to chase after her; she’d made her choice and I’d made mine.

I decided to go hit the gym to try and work some of my frustration out on the punching bag. Pulling up
to the converted warehouse, I saw a familiar motorcycle in the parking lot. It was Cole’s. I hadn’t seen too much of him lately. He was working extraordinarily hard on trying to get his shit together. He had a new girlfriend, Tara, and was working in construction. He’d had a rough time after Piper finally decided to leave his sorry ass, but later came to the conclusion that it was best for everyone involved. I knew all along that they weren’t meant for each other, but it’s one of those times when you need to keep your mouth shut and mind your own business. I hate meddlers. As long as it’s not directly affecting me, I mind my own damn business.

Grabbing my gloves from the passenger seat, I headed inside.

Cole spotted me as soon as the door slammed behind me. “Look who finally decided to get his ass in shape,” he yelled from across the gym.

“Yeah, yeah. I haven’t felt like it. Not everyone can be as devoted as you are,” I teased.

Bouncing from foot to foot, he laughed, “Gotta keep the six-pack in check. The ladies love it.” He grinned.

As soon as he said it, I couldn’t help but look down at his abs. “Yeah, you’re looking good, dude.”

“Are you checking me out, Scott?” He cocked an eyebrow.

“What? No!”
Was I checking him out?
Well, maybe I was, but not in a sexual way.

“Relax, I’m just fucking with you,” he said, causing me to glare at him.

He put his hands up, laughing. “Uh-oh. I know that look. Trouble in paradise? Who’s the lucky girl this time?”

“Nope, there’s no one,” I said, popping on the P.

Strapping my gloves on, I stepped up to the bag and started punching the shit out of it. Everything started to dissipate and it was just the bag and my frustrations. There was no band, no Joss, no nothing. I pictured Officer Big Douche’s face and kept hitting the bag until I felt like my hands were going to break. Cole was staring at me quizzically. Looking to avoid conversation, I wiped my face down with a towel and headed outside, calling a quick goodbye behind me. 

Climbing into my car
, covered in sweat, I threw it into reverse and headed back to the house. Stopping outside the gate, I grabbed the mail from the mailbox and tossed it aside until after my shower. There was never anything good in there anyway. Stripping quickly, I tossed my clothes into the hamper and made my way to the bathroom. I stood under the hot water, leaning my head against the stone shower wall and letting the heat loosen my muscles. I was still pissed off at Joss, but not as much as I’d been earlier. It was more the feeling of betrayal.

After getting dressed and grabbing a snack, I started sorting through the mail when one of the letters stood out. I made a split second decision and opted to forgo the rest of my snack
, grabbing a bottle of whiskey instead. I was going to need it. Sitting at the kitchen table with a bottle of Maker’s Mark in my hand, I stared at the letter in front of me.

Derek Scott,
Jr.

155 Valley View Drive

Smithville, OH 43211

To whom it may concern,

This letter is to advise you that a parole hearing will be held for Derek Andrew Scott, Sr. The board will allow up to five (5) victims and witnesses to speak regarding the inmate’s potential parole. Limitations or exceptions to this guideline will be considered on an individual basis.

Parole hearings, by law, are open to the public and the entire proceedings are audiotaped and become part of the public record, which can be obtained for free.

If attending, you may wish to bring a victim impact statement, which may include the following:

1.
       
How has this crime affected you and those close to you?

2.
      
Has this crime affected your relationships with any family members, friends, and other people?

If you have any questions regarding this letter
, please contact this office at your earliest convenience at (959)459-6266.

Sincerely,

Burt Schwimer

Mixed emotions
doesn’t even begin to describe what I was feeling. Rage and a whole fuck load of hurt were the first to surface. I hadn’t seen or heard from my father in probably close to ten years. I tend to repress painful memories and lock them away indefinitely.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about him being able to be part of the general population again, or even breathing the same air as me, knowing what he took from me. The chance
at a normal happy life. It was like he was an anchor holding me back from ever doing anything worth a damn. I steered clear of relationships knowing the pain and heartache that go along with them, since nothing is forever. Fuck, I can’t even bring myself to get a dog since I’d be afraid to get attached, knowing that it was going to die before me.

I was too busy categorizing shit in my head that I neglected to notice Joss coming in the door. Judging by her red, puffy eyes
, it was safe to say that she’d been crying. Great, just another fuck up I was going to have to deal with.

“What happened to you?” I asked, taking another swig from the bottle before slamming it on the table with more force than necessary.

“Like you care,” she spat.

Her words gutted me. How dare she accuse me of not giving a shit?

“Fuck you. You know I care, probably too much.”

Stifling a sniffle, she glared at me. “You tossed me out of your bed last night, and shit is starting to fall apart.”

“Welcome to my world,” I said indifferently. “And, really, whose fucking fault is it? You’re the one that wants to be grown up and make your own decisions. Guess what? You did and now you get to live with the consequences. You’re going to have ups and downs, but I’m not interested in being your second choice. Frankly, I’m not interested in being your anything anymore. Grow the fuck up!”

It came out harsher
than I intended it to, but I wasn’t going to take it back. She was twenty. Twenty year olds are dumb. They think they know everything and they need to learn from their mistakes. I had more than enough on my own plate. I didn’t need to add anything else, especially girl drama.

“Fuck you, Derek. I’m just not ready for anything serious right now. This is
the one time in my life that I get to be selfish. I’ve spent my whole life up until this point trying to please everyone and I’m done! I’m so fucking done! Why can’t you just be happy with what we have, huh?  I like you; you like me. We have fun and incredible sex together. What more can you possibly want from me? Are you going to put a ring on my finger?”

“I can’t do it anymore because it’s with you, Joss. You’re better than that
and you started to feel like more to me. I can’t believe I was so stupid.” The last part was me talking to myself about being a moron for letting it get as far as it did. “I’m not going to watch you throw your life away and swim in denial trying to figure out what it is that you want. It’s not fair and I have way too much going on to deal with your melodramatics right now. Sorry.”

“I’m not,” she said
, walking up the stairs and leaving me to my own devices.

JOSS

Derek had to be the hardest guy on the planet to figure out, because after almost 10 years of being around him, I was still at a loss. One minute he wanted nothing to do with a relationship. The next, he turned it around and was upset with me for wanting to do my own thing. It had actually started two years earlier, on the night of my eighteenth birthday party.

Battlescars
had played earlier that night. After the show, I pulled Derek off to the side. Although I’d always thought Jake was the cutest, Derek was still my favorite. He was so sweet and funny. He treated me like one of them. Since I was quite a few years younger than them, it was hard to get them to let me tag along to things, but when I did, Derek was always the one who made me feel special. I didn’t want my first time to be with one of the guys I went to school with. I wanted someone with experience. I wanted someone who would make it memorable, someone whom I felt safe with. All those things pointed to Derek.

Derek was apprehensive at first,
but he was still a guy. I made my intentions crystal clear. Once I knew that Blake was thoroughly occupied with my friend Vicky, I grabbed Derek and we made a quick escape to one of the rooms upstairs. I remember the delicious feeling of running my hands up his chest and him taking off my dress. He literally worshipped me before finally entering me. I remember wondering how he was going to fit. He slowly ebbed in and out, finally breaking the barrier. The pain was quickly replaced with pleasure as I watched our connection.

“Fucking-A, Joss. You’re so damn tight…” He groaned through gritted teeth. Horror crossed his face as he looked down and saw the blood on the condom. He stopped mid
-thrust. “Oh fuck. Oh, no. Fuck, Joss, are you a virgin?”

I gave a meek nod and bit down on my lip.

“I’m dead. I’m so fucking dead,
” he whispered.

“You’re going to be dead if you don’t start moving. This is between you and me. No one will ever find out. I promise. Please
, Derek, I want this. I’ve wanted this for a long time.”

Reaching up, I pulled his lips back to mine and brought his attention back to the task at hand.

At first, he moved with apprehension, before starting a gentle rhythm. In that moment, I knew I loved him. I would always love him. He made my first experience with sex the best. If it weren’t for Blake, we might have had a chance at something then, but since I was the little sister of one of Derek’s best friends/band mates, we were doomed from the start. It just couldn’t happen. No one could ever find out about that night.

I knew I was being selfish
. I wanted more than I was willing to give. The whole Todd episode completely backfired and I’d regret that night for as long as I lived. I’d thrown away my one opportunity. Derek wasn’t the guy who gave second chances; he was the guy who needed a lot of them, but once he decided something, that was it. Deep down, I think I’d wanted a reaction out of him, to see how far he would go.

On the other hand, I wanted to be young and carefree. I like being in the driver’s seat in my life.
I wasn’t willing to hand over the keys to anyone, not just yet.

Eventually, I was going to have to beg and grovel for his forgiveness, which was going to take a lot of time and effort on my part. His walls were guarded by electric barbed wire
and he rarely ever let people in. Even when you finally get in, he’s still on high alert, constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. He harbors so much resentment toward his dad because of what happened with his family that’s it’s slowly eating him alive. He needed to come to terms with what happened and that it wasn’t his fault.

I was curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed when there was a knock on the door. Derek stood there with a letter in his hand.

“Hey,” he whispered. “Sorry I snapped at you. Not that you didn’t deserve it, but I overreacted.”

“I fucked up
. I get it. If it makes you feel better, I wish last night never happened. I wish I said yes to you,” I admitted.

“We need to face the music, Joss. We’re not cut out to be in a relationship. Not now, probably not ever. Does it fucking suck? Yeah, it
honestly does because I care about you and that’s not going to change. I’ll be here for you if you ever need anything, but we need to stop trying to turn nothing into something.”

He walked into the room and curled up behind me. The smell of whiskey fanned over my face as he pulled me close. “I got this in the mail today.”

He handed me a letter. Holding it out in front of me, I read it quickly. When I finished, I felt the sudden urge to go throw up.

“I’m not even going to ask you if you’re okay
, because I know you’re not.”

“I’m so far from okay it’s not even funny, Joss. It is what it is though,
and there’s nothing I can do about it. If they’re going to let him out, I’m not going to stop them.”

His words shocked me.
I figured I would get a lot more of an emotional response from him. I turned so that we were face to face and nose to nose, closing my eyes. Wrapping my free arm around his back, we lay there in content silence for what seemed like hours. That familiar buzz was singing between us, causing me to open my eyes and take in his strikingly handsome face. My heart was breaking into a million fragments knowing that I had to leave. I needed to let him move forward with his life without hindering it any more than I already had.

“Derek, you know I
need to go. Right?”

“I know. I want you to, but the other part of me wants to hold onto the last fray until there’s nothing left. You’re perfect, Joss. You just have a lot of growing up to do. Whoever you end up with better know how fucking lucky they are, or I’ll break bones,” he grinned.

“Aren’t you just the charmer, Derek Scott,” I laughed.

He tilted his chin
and his lips grazed mine in a slow, sensuous kiss. I started to pull back, but his hand held me in place.

“You’ve been drinking,” I reminded him. “You’re going to regret anything that happens in the morning.”

“I haven’t had that much. Besides, I’m going to spend the rest of my life regretting not having one last time with you. Please,” he pleaded.

Tears pricked my eyes
and I nodded, crashing my lips back to his. His large, calloused hand ran up my back, pulling me as close as he possibly could. He helped lift my shirt over my head and unhooked my bra, slowly gliding it down my arms. I wasn’t nearly as gentle removing his clothes; I wanted to be skin to skin with him. I wanted to feel that connection,
our
connection.

Moments later
, we were both fully undressed, touching, licking, and biting one another. There would be no holding back tonight. I started pumping his perfectly thick, hard cock while he swirled my taut nipples with his skillful tongue. Moving to a sitting position, Derek pulled me onto his lap and slid the thick head of his cock along my wet slit before stopping at my entrance. The look in his eyes told me he was giving me one final chance to back out; there wasn’t a chance in hell of that happening. I slowly sank down onto his hard length, enjoying the fullness that came along with it. Using his hands, he helped glide me up and down, finding a perfect rhythm. Not too fast, not too slow; a perfect balance of the two. Within minutes, my entire body was on fire.

“Derek,” I rasped. “I’m gonna come.”

My entire body was aching for release; every nerve ending was sizzling.

“I know, babe. I can feel it. Let me have it. Let me feel you, Joss.”

Picking up his pace, he rammed into me harder and faster. My nails dug into his shoulder blades as my muscles clenched before letting go in a mind-blowing orgasm. Chest to chest, our slick skin was gliding against each other as we greedily used each other’s bodies for pleasure. Savoring the moment, I committed everything to memory. Somehow, my aching heart started to mend. Derek pushed up and carefully placed me on my back without missing a beat. He tilted so that he was hitting the sweet spot deep inside that only he’s ever been able to touch, and he started thrusting.

I knew exactly what he was aiming to do.

“Fuck,” I cried out. “Harder, Derek, fuck
me harder,” I screamed, before he quickly pulled out as the wet warm liquid hit his stomach, leaving me seeing stars of satisfaction.

“I love that you do that for me, babe,” he growled, pushing himself back inside me. “I’m not going to be able to hold out much longer.”

His fierce pace was set to detonate mode. I was meeting him thrust for thrust as we exploded in unison one last time. He let his full body weight fall on top of me. Surprisingly, it wasn’t uncomfortable. Actually, it was the exact opposite. It was comforting. I breathed in his masculine scent with a hint of whiskey still lingering and I held him closely, wrapping my legs around his back.

Running my fingers through his hair, I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Just promise me you’ll try and be okay.”