Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2) (4 page)

A
fter getting back home
, my dad didn’t have much to say. He left me to figure things out on my own, telling me to call him when I’d found a resolution. Hell, for the past week I’d been wracking my brain on what I needed to do. My day to day had changed because now it was all on me. Dressing, feeding, taking and picking up, bathing, and putting my sweet angel to sleep. All my responsibility. I realized just how much I’d taken Mackenzie for granted. Just how much she actually did. But I wouldn’t change this part of my life.

We were adjusting.

Well, I was.

Grace wasn’t.

The day I got back from the doctor, the only word she wanted to speak was Momma. The questioning look in her eyes killed me. How did you explain to a two-year-old that her mom wasn’t coming back? The answer was I couldn’t. Instead, I took the coward way out. Telling her every excuse under the sun about where her mom was. Only she would just ask again the next morning as soon as she woke up. I’d ran out of excuses and chose to change the subject on something she enjoyed doing. On where we were going. As long as I acted excited so did she. I was thankful that she ran with what I was doing instead of demanding an answer like she usually did. The nights were the worst. The way she sniffled and looked around for someone who wasn’t there. The way she’d watch the door until it was time to go to bed killed me even more. There’s no way she’d understand she wasn’t coming home. Not yet at least. And by the time she would be, her little mind wouldn’t remember her. Or at least I hoped she wouldn’t.

The memory of last night was still on the forefront of my mind as I made my cup of coffee and sat down at the table. I’d barely gotten away from Grace when I’d woken up. Thinking back to the events from last night, I shivered.

She’d been in such a bad mood all day and getting her to sleep was even worse. She stomped her feet, demanding I get her mommy. When I said I couldn’t, she threw herself on the bedroom floor and wailed. In that moment, if it were legal to kill someone, I would’ve. She’d broken my little girl’s heart and there was nothing I could do but pick her up and rock her back and forth until her little body passed out from the exhaustion of her tears. When I tried to lay her down, she grabbed my shirt and whimpered, causing tears of my own to fall. She’d never been a clinger. Always loved her own space. Only she wouldn’t let go of me. When I tried to open her hand, her fingers grew tighter and I stopped attempting to break her grasp. Instead, I wrapped my arms around her back, walked into my bedroom, and broke my own rule. That night, I laid in my bed with my daughter in my arms, and stared at the ceiling as I listened to her soft breaths. Every now and then she’d hiccup and clench my shirt. She’d calm back down when I rubbed soft circles on her back, letting her know I was still there. My eyes grew heavy so I tried to move her off of me, but she still wasn’t having it. That right there broke my heart completely. The action also solidified my decision. I’d gain full custody of my daughter, get all my plans in motion for the opening of my own shop, and we were going to the place where Grace should’ve grown up all along. My hometown. I couldn’t do it to her anymore. I needed my family’s help, and she needed the consistency to help her small mind cope with the loss of her mom.

I brought myself out of the memory and my chest physically ached. Nothing could’ve prepared me to deal with my daughter’s heartbreak. Did I want to hear from Mackenzie? Hell no. But that was for selfish reasons. Did I want my daughter to have her mom? Yes, I did. This wasn’t supposed to happen. People adjusted to broken homes all the time. Kids were resilient. We could’ve worked something out. But she wanted to cut all ties. And for once, I didn’t know how to deal with all of that. I finished the last drink of my coffee and rolled the mug back and forth between my hands. Trying to figure out the best way to handle the decision I made last night. My heart felt lighter once I finally decided what I’d hoped all along would be my final decision.

“Daddy,” Grace screamed from the opposite side of the apartment.

The second she wailed, I was out of the seat, the noise from it crashing to the floor barely registered as I ran to her.

When I opened the door, she was sitting up in the bed, her thumb in her mouth and her favorite blanket up against her face. Tears streamed down her cheeks as her chest rapidly moved up and down.

“Hey, pumpkin. Daddy’s right here,” I soothingly stated as I walked over to the bed. Each tear that fell made anger and sadness well up in my chest. Both emotions made me even more murderous than before. Only I couldn’t act on that feeling.

She walked on her knees over to the edge of the bed and jumped into my arms. The blanket fell to the ground as her arms wrapped around my neck. She burrowed her face into my shoulder and wrapped her little legs around my rib cage. My arms instantly wrapped around her small frame as I hugged her into me and gently rubbed the same soothing circles on her back as I had the night before.

Mackenzie better hope I’m never in a room alone with her again. She’d hear an earful, and I wouldn’t care about how small I’d make her feel.

“Daddy’s right here, pumpkin. I’m not going anywhere,” I assured her even though she didn’t understand the intensity of the vow I just made. It made me feel better just knowing I’d said it.

After changing her diaper, which was hard to do because she screamed the whole time because I sat her down, I made her some breakfast. She sat in my lap and nibbled on the eggs. Every time I moved she’d stop to make sure I wasn’t sitting her down or going anywhere. She’d developed this complex about me leaving her in such a short time that it made me realize just how much children see and feel.

Two hours later she passed out on my chest as we watched cartoons. Something she rarely did was fall asleep willingly, but the stress she was feeling had exhausted her. Hell, it had exhausted me, too.

I called my dad and asked if he could come and get her for the night. I needed some time to think and plan without her noticing what I was doing. I couldn’t get anything done with her clinging to me. She may not go for it, but I had to try. I wanted to be out of here within the month. I’d figure out the rest as it came. I just wanted her in a place where she didn’t have a constant reminder of her mom. Where she could feel safe and protected, but most of all loved.

He let himself in an hour later, and I’d yet to move for fear I’d wake Grace. She needed the sleep just as much as I needed to hold her.

My dad walked into the living room, the anguish he was feeling was apparent on his face.

“How’s she doing?” he whispered as he leaned against the door frame.

“She’s suffering, Dad. She knows Kenzie isn’t here, and she doesn’t understand why she’s not back yet. Her tears gut me every time she throws a tantrum. This morning she barely let me put her down to change her diaper. I’ve been holding her ever since. She fell asleep on me, and when I move she grips me as hard as she can. The separation anxiety is pouring off of her in waves. I need to start packing which is why I called, but I don’t know if she’s going to go with you. She won’t let me out of her sight for very long. You might have a terror on your hands, and I can’t ask you to handle that so I can get a handle on things here.”

“The hell you can’t. You lean on your family during the rough times. Between your mother and I we can handle Grace. We handled you and your brothers just fine, let me remind you. She won’t even miss you we’ll keep her so busy. You have to do what you have to do so you can get where you’re going. You’re packing which is a good thing, but where are you going when you leave?”

“Like you even have to ask. I’m coming home. I’ll find a place, and I’m going to open that shop I talked about a while ago. It may not work out, but it’s my new dream. Plus, I miss the country, and I’ve always wanted my kids to grow up where I did. To feel the way I felt about that place. I was never happy here,” I admitted as I kissed Grace’s soft hair.

“I was waiting for you to say that. I suspected you weren’t happy, but who was I to ask. I always want to let my kids forge their own path and not meddle. I’m happy you’re coming back, but I’m sorry this is happening. It’s bittersweet.”

Grace began to stir which caused us both to freeze. I hoped she didn’t freak when she fully woke, but more importantly I hoped she didn’t ask for her mom. She lifted her head and looked around, a small smile forming on her lips when her gaze met my dad’s figure standing in the doorway. She wiggled to get down and I let her, holding onto her until she had her balance on the floor.

She ran over to my dad and jumped into his awaiting arms.

“Pop Pop,” she giggled as he kissed her neck.

“My pumpkin,” my dad laughed back as he tickled her.

Hearing her laugh and her happiness made my heart swell and heal just a little bit from this morning’s events. Even if it was short lived, I needed to hear her laughter just as much as she needed to experience it.

“You wanna go bye-bye with Pop-Pop?” he asked Grace, making me on edge. I’d told him I didn’t know if she’d be able to handle it, when in truth I was the one who didn’t want to be away from her. I wanted to protect her, dry every tear, fight every bad dream. But in order for us to move forward, I’d have to be away from her for a few days to get everything packed here.

Grace was perched on his hip with her head laying on his chest, her thumb in her mouth, and the blanket up in her face. She looked content, but there was still worry in her eyes as she looked at me for approval. It wasn’t like her not to respond. Not to get excited to go to his and my mom’s house. This was another telltale sign that she was reacting to the situation.

“You can go with Pop-Pop if you want to, pumpkin,” I coached in a soothing voice, hoping that if she heard my approval she’d be happier to leave.

She looked over at my dad and with her thumb still in her mouth, she muttered, “Go bye-bye, Pop-Pop?”

He looked down at her adoringly, and I could see just how much that little girl held his heart.

“Yes, pumpkin. You want to go see Maw-Maw?” he questioned as he bounced her up and down on his hip.

Suddenly her head perched up and just like that, she became the two-year-old I’d been dying to see for the past few days.

“Maw-Maw,” she squealed as she fought to get out of his grasp. My dad sat her down and she ran over to me, stumbling into my legs after she tripped on the edge of her blanket.

“Woah there, pumpkin. Be careful,” I warned as I steadied her.

She grasped onto my finger and pulled with all of her little might as she demanded that I move to get her stuff.

“You want to go to Pop-Pop’s?” I asked, trying to excite her about the trip.

She turned and in typical sassy Grace fashion, put her hand on her hip and stomped her foot as she told me yes. God, I loved this kid, but I just knew the teenage years would be hell.

“Alrighty then, pumpkin. Let’s pack. I’ll race you to your room,” I cheered as I pretended to run after her. She squealed and took off in the direction of her room. My happy little girl was back for the moment, and I’d cherish all of the happy ones, so I had something to hold onto when she became sad yet again.

Minutes later, I had gone through everything that I’d packed in her duffle bag, ensuring that the blanket and bear were in tow. He’d have to come back if they weren’t because she wouldn’t sleep without them.

My dad dressed her in something warmer and put her in her coat and shoes while I packed to save time. Once I made sure it was all in there, I went and grabbed some snacks and filled up her cup with her favorite juice. It was only a forty-five-minute drive but you never knew with her.

“You ready to go, pumpkin?” I asked as I handed my dad her cup and crackers.

“Go bye-bye, Pop-Pop,” she squealed letting the whole neighborhood know that she was ready to leave.

“Yes ma’am,” he chuckled and shook his head.

“You’ve got everything for a few days in here. Can you send the trailers on Saturday? I’ll have everything packed by then and what I don’t want I’ll donate. I’ll also make the commute until my boss can find someone to replace me. I don’t want to leave them hanging just because I had something bad occur in our lives. Do you mind if me and Grace crash with you and Mom until we find a place? I don’t want to impose, but I think it’ll be best for Grace if we’re not here.”

“You know we’ve got your back, son. You can stay as long as you need to. I’ll also start looking for you so you have a head start. Focus on getting everything settled here so you don’t have to come back,” he encouraged. Just like him to know exactly how to motivate me into getting things done.

“Will do. Have fun with Pop-Pop and Maw-Maw, Grace,” I stated as I walked over to her. I picked her up and swung her around just so that I could hear the laughter that I knew would escape her.

I bundled her up and put her hat on her head as I opened the door to help them get in the truck. My dad grabbed her bag and other necessitates, shutting the door behind him.

The walk was short to his truck and I hurriedly opened the door and buckled Grace into the car seat that my dad kept in his vehicle. My father quickly followed suit as he climbed into the front seat. The wind was treacherous today, and I hadn’t stopped to put on a coat of my own. After I had made sure she was secure, I kissed her on the tip of her nose and her forehead, instantly holding back my emotions because I hated that I wouldn’t be there with her tonight. I just had to keep reminding myself it wouldn’t be for long.

“Be good for Pop-Pop, okay.”

“Bye-bye, Daddy,” she stated as she waved to me, letting me know she was ready to leave. I shut the door and hurriedly waved to my dad, then ran back into the house.

I ran my hands up and down my arms to gain friction and create some form of heat. Once I was warm enough, I leaned into the door, sliding down its frame until I sat on the floor.

The week’s frustration quickly caught up to me and every emotion poured out as I screamed into the apartment. I hated this for my daughter. That her mother didn’t love her enough to fight for her. That she didn’t love us enough to let me know how she felt so we could work out an arrangement. Instead, she just vanished into thin air, leaving me wondering how the hell I’d get past this hurt. How I’d ever trust another woman around my daughter again, I’d never know. I would die before I saw that amount of pain seep out of her again. One woman caused all of this grief. One person made me instantly never want love again if this is how it turned out. Again I was conflicted as to how I’d ever want anything other than one night with someone. Only time would tell.